The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

harpoon

Well-Known Member
I can see why guys do a u turn and revert back to porn use...this can be brutal. There is so many variables. I've found underlying mental health issues, which imho is a double whammer with cheese. I don't just feel down, I can want to die at times.

I will say this - if I where to view porn now I would feel great, I do know that. From a horny point if view that would take care of that but from a mental health pov I would feel great for awhile and it would ease pain.

So my thoughts are these - have I always medicated mental health with porn use? I would say looking back now - yes.

Removing porn will never be enough.

But in a way that revelation is good. I can now deal with that. I haven't drank in six months (well a few bottles here and there) so its not that.

So it's either a chemical imbalance situation or a caffeine allergy.

But I've decided enough is enough and I've made an appointment with my GP and hopefully go somewhere from there.
 

Escapeandnevercomeback

Respected Member
I can see why guys do a u turn and revert back to porn use...this can be brutal. There is so many variables. I've found underlying mental health issues, which imho is a double whammer with cheese. I don't just feel down, I can want to die at times.

I will say this - if I where to view porn now I would feel great, I do know that. From a horny point if view that would take care of that but from a mental health pov I would feel great for awhile and it would ease pain.

So my thoughts are these - have I always medicated mental health with porn use? I would say looking back now - yes.

Removing porn will never be enough.

But in a way that revelation is good. I can now deal with that. I haven't drank in six months (well a few bottles here and there) so its not that.

So it's either a chemical imbalance situation or a caffeine allergy.

But I've decided enough is enough and I've made an appointment with my GP and hopefully go somewhere from there.
Often, addictions are a way to self-medicate suffering, childhood trauma etc. You numb yourself abusing an addictive substance or behavior and it masks the suffering that, when you go abstinent, it comes to bite you really bad. I know exactly what you are talking about from my experience. I am your stereotypical addict, self-medicating myself with porn and alcohol. I have the same problem: When I stop them, I am literally buried alive. I suffer like a dog with depression until I enventually return to them. But like this you can't stay abstinent. A transformation might be needed for this to succeed. If someone uses porn, alcohol, drugs whatever to numb suffering, if the cause of the suffering is not addressed, the recovery won't work. That's why I like to call it "recovery", I am not just quitting porn and alcohol, what I want is to "recover", to recover my real self that I've never known.
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
Often, addictions are a way to self-medicate suffering, childhood trauma etc. You numb yourself abusing an addictive substance or behavior and it masks the suffering that, when you go abstinent, it comes to bite you really bad. I know exactly what you are talking about from my experience. I am your stereotypical addict, self-medicating myself with porn and alcohol. I have the same problem: When I stop them, I am literally buried alive. I suffer like a dog with depression until I enventually return to them. But like this you can't stay abstinent. A transformation might be needed for this to succeed. If someone uses porn, alcohol, drugs whatever to numb suffering, if the cause of the suffering is not addressed, the recovery won't work. That's why I like to call it "recovery", I am not just quitting porn and alcohol, what I want is to "recover", to recover my real self that I've never known.
Thank you so much for sharing 👍i agree with everything you've said, especially "literally buried alive" swallowed by the ground most days.

I have come to the conclusion that a return to porn will be inevitable if i don't address the depression, or whatever fun variant it is.

But there is hope now, there is another avenue to explore, and as shit as it atm there is on the horizon a glimmer of light and I will never give up hope.
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
I just need to vent so here it is - the stress, the depression and being totally honest i'm afraid. I feel helpless.

I feel like everybody is out to hurt me 😔 i feel alone and at times I feel like a burden on ppl whom I know care about me but it doesn't register with me anymore.

I walk alone, at night, in the rain, just for some small relief or at least when i'm moving i'm not in the same place. I hate the thoughts I have, they're negative and seem to want to inflict as much pain on my soul as possible.

I look around and i see stress everywhere, ppl trying to out do each other 😔

I have a big heart.

I had it all but I threw it away and have ended up an empty shell alone 😔 At every opportunity i chose porn over real ppl. Everytime.
 

Dungalef

Active Member
Hang in there my friend...I know things are dark right now, but you have so much to be proud of yourself for, and if you can just hang in there I really think you're on the path to brighter days, brighter even than the ones you lost, now that you're digging deep and doing the hard work dealing with stuff.
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
@Beautiful1973 I think you're right 😔 My Dad was truely a gentleman whom loved his family (7 kids, 14 or so grandchildren) He was always happy, and never complained after 10 years of chemo, hospitals and doing so well he picked up covid and spent 38 days on a ventilator sedated 😔

We all loved him so much, he was my best friend in the world and while everyone is heartbroken, my world has been shattered.

I never understood heartbreak until that day last May.

The only thing I can do is to be a better man for my Dad and its the most difficult and longest path I have ever walked, but one thing I learned from my Dad is that you never give up, and you keep going.

He was a strong man and he is my hero .
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
I actually had an argument with my GP today about porn addiction. He knows what he knows from a book or whatever but I have him on experience and I have educated myself in the field 😆

Luckily I was wearing a mask so he didn't see me smerking.

I was there for depression or whatever I'm hoping thru, he seemed to be pushing mood swings. I agreed to an extent that I'm having mood swings, but there is more to it.

His three options - An assessment for Bipolar, Meds, or Counselling.

In the end I said if I could sleep my life would be a lot easier so he went with a medication that's an antidepressants and helps you sleep.

Of course I will always get back up when the encore begins to play and will try a few different avenues before I take meds again.

I know too many ppl on meds and from what I can see none of them are happy.

I do have really bad days but i also have very good days so as horrible as the bad days can be, those good days are worth their weight in gold and I fear losing that feeling to meds.
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
medication that's an antidepressants and helps you sleep.
What drug did he prescribe Paul? The problem I find with anti-depressants, is they take MONTHS to build up in your system and then can often cause over side affects. I took them for 2+ years at the end of my marriage, I put on loads of weight, and my blood pressure ended up through the roof......

At times I have taken a short dose of sleeping tablets to get me back into regular sleep patterns. When I go through emotional episodes I don't sleep properly, then feel tired the next day, then struggle to regulate my emotions, then don't sleep......and end up in a spiral!!!!!
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
What drug did he prescribe Paul? The problem I find with anti-depressants, is they take MONTHS to build up in your system and then can often cause over side affects. I took them for 2+ years at the end of my marriage, I put on loads of weight, and my blood pressure ended up through the roof......

At times I have taken a short dose of sleeping tablets to get me back into regular sleep patterns. When I go through emotional episodes I don't sleep properly, then feel tired the next day, then struggle to regulate my emotions, then don't sleep......and end up in a spiral!!!!!
@Beautiful1973 I don't know the name of the tablets, I have no interest in collecting the prescription or taking those meds.

I've been down that road and kniw about the weight gain and blood pressure, if the Dr was more convincing maybe but he has prescribed antidepressants to half my family at this stage (after my father passed away) there has to be a better way, I just believe there's a better way than than.
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
....another thing I'm sick of is this narrative about porn. Every fn day blah blah blah I won't give in so we're having a Mexican stand off in my head.

It's like this, I want to live my life in reality, and if that includes pain so ve it, at least its real.

I can see porn for what it is now, a big empty lie. There is no more to it.

"..i'm tired of the frustration of living within side of you lies." - Shotgun Blues, Guns N Roses (1991)
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
...I won't lie about this addiction. The withdrawals are so real. This disconcerting feeling can rock you to the core, but they always pass and eventually you feel good.

At the moment my biggest issue is urges. I understand now why they say any sexually stimulating images. It's the same mechanisms. For example, I find a TV presenter attractive on a particular show but if i watch that it kicks off a release of dopamine, my brain doesn't know its not porn.

My mother knows about my addiction and a few weeks aho she said "if you relapse, you have no one to blame but yourself" I was taken back a bit but do realise that statement is true, and on my bedstand on a notepad I wrote - No one is coming to save your ass. It's up to you Paul (I've read if you refer to yourself by name its more beneficial) so when I think, I think no one is coming to save your ass Paul. I find it helps.

But I'm 59 days today. I never take for granted that I'll make the next day but i will be do happy tomorrow 🙂 and I would love so much to be 90 days clean on new years eve. So 59 today.

I never did the zoom meetings, the group meetings but I did make a contact through my initial approach to SLAA and it helps to have a 20min chat once a week with a guy whom has been there and done that.

And if he can be clean so can I.
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
I talked to my SLAA contact tonight ;) I like chatting with him, as I said he's been there and done that.

I said that I had all these positive events planned, that I needed more structure in my life and something good to focus on. I signed up for an ironman. Is a big ask, however that is the whole point.

He said that I was basically in recovery mode and what I was doing was inventing my own recovery plan and what I am at is called toplining. (Replacing bad habits with good habits.) I don't use the word chuffed that often but I did feel a little chuffed when he said that 🤣

I knew it would never be enough to just stop porn. I always knew that.

But all I know is that you must believe. If you don't believe it doesn't happen.

I ran my first marathon a few years ago and I 100% believed, I never once doubted that I would finish. That belief has now spilled over into this battle.

I won't give up 🙂👍
 
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Jlied

Active Member
Dude an Ironman is quite an endurance test, that’s awesome you’ve committed to it. I was in a work trip last month and the city where I was staying was hosting the event and part of the marathon course was right outside my hotel, quite a few participants were staying there. Those people were wore out, but they were all so happy to have competed and finished the event. I’m excited for you!
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
Dude an Ironman is quite an endurance test, that’s awesome you’ve committed to it. I was in a work trip last month and the city where I was staying was hosting the event and part of the marathon course was right outside my hotel, quite a few participants were staying there. Those people were wore out, but they were all so happy to have competed and finished the event. I’m excited for you!
It was the biggest challenge I could think of 🤣👍but I've supported my brother at an event in Tendby a few years ago and it was awesome, so I'm looking forward to being in it and honestly i love to exercise so I'll give I a shot!
 
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