The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

TheNorman

Active Member
Bored, horny and feel like shit are all pretty big triggers. Don't put yourself in positions to make it any harder than it needs to be! If you can get away from being online you have already taken a lot of PMO's power away. Use the energy and headspace taken up by porn and find something that you can pour it into. It will serve a duel purpose of keeping you occupied but also fulfilled.
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
So I hit rock bottom today. I feel like it's over. I can't fight forever.

Honestly until I found reboot nation I never put it all together, I just thought I had a high sex drive, but I am a porn addict.  When you take the porn addict away, I'm actually a nice guy, but porn has basically destroyed my life.

Let's be honest about it. Porn doesn't just hold you back, it destroys lives. I find it hard to smile even, I wonder what have I been doing for the past 25-years.

As I write this I have youtube on in the background playing and a video of a home booty workout, my double life. I won't watch porn, I'll watch booty workouts.

Porn is all lies. There is all this focus on ED, but it causes so much more than that. If you're an addict today, you won't be the same addict in 5-years time. The goalposts move ever so slowly.



 

TheNorman

Active Member
Hey Harpoon I hear you man. Porn has caused so much damage to my relationships with myself and others. Booty workouts would be a no-go for me but if you watch nothing but booty videos and don't go back to porn then that's something right? I think you have to do whatever you can to know that you're doing SOMETHING. Don't give up, just know we're here for you. Only place to go from the bottom is up.
 

TheNorman

Active Member
There is no "real go". You're either working or you're not. The fact that you're here means you're thinking about improving your life by rebooting and that means you're working. Don't let your lapses define you or your work. Take each one of them as a sign that there is something else to refine on your path and keep working armed with that new adjustment. Eventually you will start taking bigger steps. You can do this!
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
I remember when I rebooted for about 4-months (with one weeks relapse about two-months in.) I felt great. I was fit. I was fearless. I had an aura. Women were interested 100%, I had more luck, it was fun, morning wood and live was good.  I was unstoppable..well then what the fuck am I doing here again?!

Once I relapsed it was like meh that was ok, I can pick this up again. Next night hmmm that was good, next night, maybe a two-hour edge sesh will suffice.

Its a slow process but I know the body and mind heals.


 

Andrew1973

Active Member
Keep positive Harpoon and putting one foot in front of the other.
What are your learnings from the last slip? What does your plan look like? Is there anything you can do to strengthen it? Just the process of identifying these areas to focus on will make you feel better. Then following them in your day to day life will help move you away from the clutches of PMO.
Stay strong my friend.
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
Thanks UKGuy ;) my current plan is to give my body a break. I had plenty of energy today. I ran a 5k on the beach and went swimming! I felt great tbh.

There is a longing for porn. A donkey and a carrot springs to mind.

Porn always seems like a great idea until it's not.

 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
Let's be honest (a new concept for me at this point.) I'm struggling and just trying to hold on. I'm a fraud. I'd sooner destroy my life than give up porn, always looking for the work around, a way to keep porn but have normality in life. It can't be done. I don't even know what I'm looking for with this anymore.

At this point I think I just watch porn to feel normal for awhile. Is jacking off to porn really worth all this pain? No.

I ran 18miles yesterday. I normally do 3miles but my brother was running an ironman and o joined in for the marathon. Anyway 18miles, I felt epic, I felt part of something, I paced my brother and tried to motivate him, delighted with myself. Once the dust had settled and when I returned home, PORN, the emptiness returned.

My problem giving up porn is that within a few days I feel great and porn seems like a great idea. I used to drink myself in oblivion but when porn took hold, I would much prefer porn and would stop drinking early in a night so I could get my buzz from porn.

This post doesn't really have a point, it's just venting, it helps me live as me for a brief moment.







 

3rdprecept

Member
You're not a fraud or a failure---you are an addict like the rest of us here.  I once heard a saying that has stuck with me for years.  "No one knows loneliness like and addict in the grip of despair." 

The fact is there is power in surrender and accepting the truth and sharing that truth with others who understand.

We understand you. Stick with this to give your mind time to heal.
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
So last night I didn't pmo and I slept ok. I had a healthy breakfast and was lifting weights by 10am. Wtf!

I did watch a couple of youtube videos about fapping and testosterone, which led on to videos about androgen receptors. It interesting stuff.

I have always noticed that I bulk up and become leaner on nofap. Anyway look it up, apparently all this overstimulation will deplete androgen receptors. There is far more going on than just high/low testosterone levels.

But anyway, this isn't a science lesson. I didn't fap to porn last night, and that is pretty fn epic, and for a bonus point, I had the place to myself yesterday and chose not to look at porn.





 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
A couple of months ago I finished up at work. I was offered a position further across the country but I declined as I thought that I needed some time to get my head together, which I did. However, being out of work, well I wonder if I really didn't just orchestrate all this so I would have time alone. Is this addiction this powerful?

I've really ran myself into the ground. I do enjoy exercise, and I run maybe 30-40km per week, cycle 50km per week and lift some weights too but it seems it's all getting too much.

I guess I thought it was a "cheat," perhaps a way to keep porn in my life.... I'll just train a lot, I mean if I look good, maybe I can have it all. Not so.

There is no substitute for one-day clean. "Nothing compares to you." One-day, in that day, in that moment there is only one-day. You can rack up as many days as you want but it's all about today and what you do. (Just a little note to myself.)

If your here, I guess your an addict like me. I was going to write about my porn consumption but this isn't a competition. It doesn't matter how much porn we watch or how long our porn binges are, we need to give it ALL up.

Last week I went two-days with no porn...but once i tripped my brain made up for those two lost days, I now feel nothing. I know this passes.

The remorse of a porn junkie.
 

Cosmo

Active Member
However, being out of work, well I wonder if I really didn't just orchestrate all this so I would have time alone. Is this addiction this powerful?

Harpoon-Yes, through the power of rationalization, we can convince ourselves of just about anything to keep P in our lives. Whether or not that was actually your intention when you passed on the job, it's clear that having more alone time is not doing you any favors. Or wearing yourself out with exercise.  Lean in to those thoughts and ask yourself if there's something you can do differently that will yield better results.

Recovery is all about experimentation. It's about trying new things until you find the formula that works best for you. So, now that you know these things aren't working for you, try something different. Something that gets you out of your routine and closes those "back doors" you've kept open in your mind.

No need for remorse -  or name calling, my junkie friend. Just keep trying and don't give up, no matter what happens.
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
harpoon said:
The remorse of a porn junkie.

I've fallen over enough times not to get on a soap box and we all know it's difficult to stay clean. But attaching so many negative words, like "junkie" to yourself will only perpetuate a negative mindset and self-image, and the outcome will most likely be negative. You have the power to choose. We all have that power. Because of the ways we've focused our brains in the past, guys like you and me have a bit less power and we find it more difficult to make the healthy choice, and our brain layout and chemistry now pushes us to take unhealthy actions, and kid ourselves that we're doing the right thing. But please try to look for the positives in the world and most importantly in yourself. Focus on those. It's taken mental and moral strength to come here and try to divert yourself from harmful behaviour and every time you do that instead of choosing P, you heal yourself a little more. You're trying to take the right course and the right decisions. Like you say - it's all about the decisions you take today. I really hope you can see the positivity and courage in yourself and make today's decisions healthy ones. Wishing you strength!
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
I feel disconnected from myself lately. Fapping every night and getting feck all sleep. In the morning i can generally get my sh^t together (after coffee or course) and go for a run or cycle (sometimes both,) and to be honest I normally feel pretty good.

Night time comes around again and the desire to fap returns. Now good or bad, I can fap to a sexy newsreader, or tv presenter, or if that doesn't work I have a list of fav actresses and their scenes which will get the job done. Ready for another day....

Slowly I hit rock bottom. I remember being off this and the difference is day and night.

I don't know why I'm here tbh. I wish I hadn't ever wandered down this path.



 

Cosmo

Active Member
I feel disconnected from myself lately. Fapping every night and getting feck all sleep. In the morning i can generally get my sh^t together (after coffee or course) and go for a run or cycle (sometimes both,) and to be honest I normally feel pretty good.

Night time comes around again and the desire to fap returns. Now good or bad, I can fap to a sexy newsreader, or tv presenter, or if that doesn't work I have a list of fav actresses and their scenes which will get the job done. Ready for another day....

Slowly I hit rock bottom. I remember being off this and the difference is day and night.

I'm sorry to hear that, Harpoon. I know that feeling of being disconnected and out of control. It's not a good feeling.

I heard the Dobber (of Porn-Free Radio) say something this morning that really struck a chord with me; maybe it will with you, too. He said - and I'm paraphrasing big time here - that the emotional pain that most PAs struggle with can't be resolved only with exercise and the stuff we do on our own to make ourselves feel better. It's relational pain that comes from a lack of connection and not getting our needs met in a healthy way. When we don't have that connection and aren't getting our needs met, that's when we get ourselves into trouble and act out with P.

So, it sounds like you've got the exercise part down, and it's helping you to feel good about yourself. Great! What are you doing for the part of you that feels "disconnected"? I know this all sounds like a lot of new agey BS, but if you're falling into the same trap every night and plunging towards bottom, there's definitely a part of you that isn't getting what it needs from your daily self-care routine of coffee, exercise, and whatever else.

I don't know why I'm here tbh. I wish I hadn't ever wandered down this path.

The fact that you're there but also here on this forum... I believe that speaks to who you really are. It's clearly not okay with you that you're fapping every night, or otherwise you wouldn't be here trying to figure your way out of this situation. Maybe the way forward is to come here more. Instead of feeling disconnected and fapping the night away, consider coming here to connect with other people who are dealing with the same kind of issues. People who can help you work through this, who you can be accountable to, and who can probably use your help just as much as you can use theirs.

I hope things start to get better for you. I really do. Take care, friend.
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
Thank you so much for your reply ;)

It's true about the exercise though, i run and it makes me feel great but it has never replaced porn...that is something else.

But y'know it all starts with a decision to try. Let's give today a go.



 
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