The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

[TakeActionNow]

@harpoon almost 10 yrs ago I lost my father too. I was depressed for 6 months and the following years were rather blurry. Believe me I empathize what you are going through.
Fortunately time does heal.
He still lives on within me.
Just a few weeks ago, I dreamt of him as if he was very much alive and we were just having a regular time together. These rare moments made me very happy.

The father and son relationship is a unique one that only you two will share. It is not important what experience or afterthought other's have with your father.
Only your's matters.

Take care of yourself.

 

[harpoon]

@TakeActionNow Thank you for your thoughtful words Its a privilege to be my Dads son and I'll always miss him terribly.

 

[harpoon]

When I have a good day I like to acknowledge it. Today was going. I won't lie, it was a slow start I only got out of bed at 10:30am.

I had a cup of tea, and some breakfast. I'm off work for a few months so I can do whatever I want atm normally my back up plan is to exercise.

I went down your for awhile, did a few things and had a chat with a few pll (I don't have horrible social anxiety anymore and will start conversations now which is something i'm still getting use to.)

I had a coffee then and dropped to my sisters to collect the tyre from my nieces car. I had that repaired, brought it back and fitted the tyre on the car. My sister made me lunch and we had a chat.

I then dropped my sister to a supermarket and waiting and dropped her home.

I then want for a 5k run and watched the world Cup match with some food.

I like to fix things and I enjoy working in cars tbh

The guy from the SLAA was supposed to phone earlier and tbh i'm glad he didn't. I was in a good place and didn't feel like talking about addiction.

But I will say this about rebooting/recovery the longer I have went without porn the less hold it has on me, it gets easier. I never thought at 75 days I would be saying that, but I'm nowhere near as compulsive now and it would take a massive u turn to to back.

I'm not gonna pat myself on the back, but I am delighted that I have come this far

I can't wait to hit 90 days on new years eve and go for a celebration run

But as always - today is today, tomorrow is tomorrow.

 

[Simon2]

That sounds like a really good day! Amazing!

 

[TakeActionNow]

@harpoon yes, this is the ideal journal entry of activities and recognition. I would be a very *happy person too if I had a day like your's.

I am reminded that significant grief have symptoms alike chronic injury or sickness, where the mind and body does not feel well. If you are still mourning for your loss, please treat it like such and take the time and activities to heal gently. Be kind to yourself. In time you'll feel better and your world will feel better too.

Take care.

 

[GBS]

Harps, good post, man. Keep doing what’s right. You know. Don’t let anyone deviate you from the right thing.

I used to work for a company, and the slogan bandied about (I hate slogans btw) all the time, was “DO THE RIGHT THING”. It’s so Bang on.

 

[harpoon]

Thanks @GBS

I wont lie, today has been tough, I have a kind of a want feeling the last few days and have had a few urges today. I dropped everything and went for a walk, and btw I felt great out for that walk as if i had diverted the energy into something good.

I came home last night after a swim and noticed the TV was still on YouTube, the next video to play was the 92 Royal Rumble! I grew up on this era of the WWF so I watched it, then the 93 Rumble (Shawn Michaels was my favorite and spoiler well 'only one foot touched the ground!')

But they're big strong guys and I said to myself 'I have to get strong again.' So here I am.

So I run, I swim, I now bike on a turbo trainer and now to life weights again and eat healthy.

I do realise tho that for a guy that has struggled with mental health and addictions, that I must have an inner strength to keep going, I must. A never give up attitude. I know I can bitch and offload but I have dug deep to be here and I do recognise that quality within me.

So kick some ass it is

 

[harpoon]

....but like someone said before "tough won't kill you"

 

[harpoon]

Today I called to my brother and we cycled for an hour on these turbo trainers (I'm starting out cycling) but we listened to tunes on YouTube and had a coffee afterwards.

I then dropped into my sisters (she wasn't there) but went for a coffee with my niece, for the first time ever and we had a cool chat.

I then went home cut a few logs and thats when I had a few urges so had to drop things and go for a walk, but I like walking and listening to music, so that's ok.

When I got home I lifted weights for an hour (feeling good at this point) then cooked a steak dinner and currently watching a movie.

But you know another good day

Anyway nothing on this planet will stop me getting to 90 days, it's a milestone I've never hit and want so much. I don't hope for it either. I will make it happen day by day.

77 days ago on my knees crying and now I am here and

 

[harpoon]

It's like this, I am so tempted to open a tab on my phone and watch some porn. That is being totally honest. I don't need to search to hard for the reasons why either, and that is what stops me. The primary reason is pain, discomfort, hurt, loss etc like Trish Leigh said 'self soothing.' I understand.

What good is it to self sooth? I can guarantee I would feel worse after and that hell is what keeps me sober.

Anyway today's task is to remain sober, that's all that matters.

 

[harpoon]

I really wish i had a magic wand, I'm sorry I destroyed myself and wasted the best years of my life when I should of been happy and started a family.

This addiction is deep, and while I abstain and don't think about porn much, its engrained in my mind and the same old images flash up from time to time which tells me fuck all has changed.

I only have two choices really...continue on this journey or relapse.

 

[harpoon]

I need to vent, and this is my outlet so pls just take it all with a pinch of salt because I know I will bounce back.

Obviously it's getting near Christmas and my Dad passed away in May. Its quite a big family, seven children whom are all in our 40s or 30s now. Five boys, two girls.

I'm close to most of my bros and sisters, but I am very close to my younger sister, she is always there for me. I'm there for her too, but I'd say its mostly to fix things lights, cars, do errands stuff light that but that I can do and I like to help out and I'm a good listener and am quite positive with my outlook when around others.

She has three young children and as far as I can see she is doing great and I told her that yesterday. I said "we're still here and we're still OK so we have to have an inner strength."

Iife is tough atm

 

[harpoon]

I remember asking people on here before "did I have a massive addiction?" or something like that. I didn't really get an answer.

I've realised over the last few days that it is massive and I am not well.

So, I guessing time to knuckle down even further.

 

[harpoon]

"If you can't get out of it, might as well get in to it!" A quote from the new Avatar movie, doesn't apply to porn addiction tho (anyway that's my sense of humor!)

I like Trish Leigh and I watched this earlier

from 18mins onwards she had my attention She sums it up in two minutes, you lose everything and ultimately all you have left is porn.

But in that video she mentions the "dry drunk" the guy that abstains from alcohol but still thinks about it, that resonated w/ me. I feel like that to an extent. I have abstained and been doing a lot of great stuff too but the thoughts are still there (granted no way near as bad) but I still have them.

 

[TakeActionNow]

@harpoon
We are all dry drunks when we start.
But how long we stay that way really depends on how we live and view our life outside of that state.
I read your earlier posts about the time you spent with family and it's better than I can expect from myself.
The time it takes to diminish the clutches of addiction can be just as much as the time it takes to become connected with the positives of life.

Have no worry, you are on the right track.
Be patient and stay focused on your path and to do's.
In time this will all be like the faded memory of an ex.

 

[harpoon]

"Captain America's been torn apart, now he's a court jester with a broken heart. He said -turn me around and take me back to the start..."

So I met my "friend" we walk, we talk, we flirt. I feel good when I hug her. I just do. I joked we were having an emotional affair...she smiled "I think we're well past that."

I also know its wrong. I shouldn't ask her to go walking. I understand I'm hurting and looking to fill the gaps in my life.

Ultimately it leaves me a little empty, just like porn.

But yeah I mean I'm aroused by her and tbh I just wanted to feel normal for awhile.

Anyway, I told her that I know it will be me that will have to walk away from this someday. But fir now we're both happy to pretend we're just friends.

 

[harpoon]

So I have 82 days behind me. They weren't perfect days but I'm giving it one helluva a go.

 

[harpoon]

So I opened my phone this morning and I clicked on a video something about a potato, I swiped up and there was a video of a woman on a swing in a thong, swinging back and forth, I just closed the video.

But my thoughts are that this stuff is just everywhere now and there is more novelty than I ever thought possible...its infinite. That's probably a thing too - babes on swings in thongs.

And I was hooked on the novelty aspect of porn, in fact that became my thing.

It's like I uncovered a lie here the last few months, I was being fed this crap at a trough, happily eating and destroying my life. And I have no problem saying that...porn will destroy you. Because how do thos hacks go "If you know, you know."

When I tell ppl, well close friends and family about this addiction i always say "ask me anything" only one person ever did. Obviously that was "my friend" and maybe she just gets me. (And we underneath everything are great friends but dopes too.)

So if I take anything from that brief accidental glimpse of a clip it's this - it doesn't matter what you're in to, it's what you're in to. Its not porn, but the brain doesn't know that.

Anyway I can only fight my own battle, but I think that young ppl now will have a different version of this addiction albeit the same.

 

[harpoon]

....I have realised that porn is not the solution anymore and while life is difficult at times I am now willing to try and be a better man. I have no more to say.

 

[harpoon]

I met with my friend today, and it seems we are having some sort of emotional affair at this point (I didn't know it was a thing until someone pointed it out to me.) This may sound selfish but it helps me talking with her.

We were chatting and eventually we talked about me. She said when we met about two months ago (around being 30 days off porn) I was in a bad way. She was worried about me. I remember that day. I was walking in circles on the beach with urges.

She said that today was the happiest she has seen me in years which was great to hear