I was actually going to post these thoughts on my thread, but your comments here just seemed like a good fit. I have been focusing on four actions in an effort to be more proactive in my life. One of them is "play" and your comments about what happened with the swim group fit this. I try to look for things to do that are like playing when I was younger. Something you just wanted to go do purely for the fun of it. It sounds like the swim group provided that at the beginning; however, the fun was lost as the group changed. You said it when noting you have so much more FUN now when swimming alone or with your brother. Keep looking for that activities that add a little fun to your day.My mood has tanked the last few days, I haven't been sleeping well do I guess thats part of it.
What I do know is that i'm not happy, or at least not happy with the direction my life has taken.
I joined a swim group last January, nice casual swim group, that has morphed into a competition every swim now and I actually prefer to go alone so i don't have to listen to the bullshit about swimming after the swim. The reason I was there in the first place has now gone. Ppl just take over I guess. These ppl at first were different I thought, I had found somewhere to be happy and chill. No. In fact the bitching, and back stabbing and delusions of grandeur have destroyed that group for me. Me me me me me ugh.
I go to the same place for a swim with my older brother or on my own and I have so much more fun. I meet ppl on the beach and chat or talk to the girls in the local coffee shop.
Running has really been my thing for a few years now, just grab my trainers and ipod and just go.
But I'm unsure now about this new life I have created, well I'm not unsure, I know I have no interest in it anymore. I'm tired physically and mentally.
My mood has just collapsed and I'm finding it difficult to even get out of bed the last few days.
I've strangled the dopamine drip. No fb, no instagram, no tiktok, and it has an affect it really does, because all of a sudden morning wood and fantasies enter my mind (if you let them.)
I'm terrified of relapse now. Absolutely terrified. It would rip my heart out and prob end my life. I know thats a horrible statement but I couldn't cope with losing what hope I have left
Signing up for an Ironman was to be this great challenge, I believe I can do that (with training obviously) but I have realised that my greatest challenge is to overcome porn addiction. Not epic training sessions that leave me tired and vulnerable.
Theres just so much going on atm it's tough
But the good news is I am 84 days free here so I will take a little strength from that.
@searching4good you have made my day, thank you@harpoon I just wanted to say that I've been following your progress these last few months and you've been such an inspiration. Whether you feel it or not, you radiate strength on these forums and are clearly, unequivocally headed in the right direction. And that's just after a few months... imagine where you'll be after a whole year!!