Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Thanks man.Thanks for the reply @Escapeandnevercomebackwell done on your two weeks
It's not fun, but stick with it and things do get a lot easier
The tough times always pass
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
- Thread starter harpoon
- Start date
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
You know, here is the thing. PMO makes my life very empty and depressive. If no PMO makes me miserable, I suffer anyway the only difference this time (and this is very important) is that now I'm suffering with a purpose. I'm suffering while trying to head for the exit out of this addiction. With PMO, I suffer for nothing. There is no point in going back.
@Escapeandnevercomeback "suffering for a purpose." I like it 
I phoned a depression helpline today. I was talking to a lovely student counsellor named Tara. She was great, I mentioned how i felt, my Dad passing away, and being an addict.
She said "it didn't matter if the depression is caused by the addiction, she wanted to help, it's how you feel today that matters"
A few minutes in to the conversation I said "I might as well tell you what the addictions is, its porn." We continued chatting. I told her about 105 days off porn.
She said something like "just listening to you, you are very hard on yourself and you're carrying a lot of guilt." She then said "losing your Dad is a lot to deal with anyway, and you're trying to beat an addiction on your own on top of that. You should be proud of yourself." Tbh I shed a tear at this point in the conversation.
We chatted a bit more and I ended the conversation by saying "If you ever need a case study, give me a call"
Later I thought about what she said "..I should be proud of myself" I should be. Here I am. The man that couldn't go one day without porn....did.
She said "it didn't matter if the depression is caused by the addiction, she wanted to help, it's how you feel today that matters"
A few minutes in to the conversation I said "I might as well tell you what the addictions is, its porn." We continued chatting. I told her about 105 days off porn.
She said something like "just listening to you, you are very hard on yourself and you're carrying a lot of guilt." She then said "losing your Dad is a lot to deal with anyway, and you're trying to beat an addiction on your own on top of that. You should be proud of yourself." Tbh I shed a tear at this point in the conversation.
We chatted a bit more and I ended the conversation by saying "If you ever need a case study, give me a call"
Later I thought about what she said "..I should be proud of myself" I should be. Here I am. The man that couldn't go one day without porn....did.
Beautiful1973
Active Member
I love how you’re not afraid to reach out when you’re struggling Paul, it’s such a strength of yours! In the words of Brene Brown it takes courage to be vulnerable
I love how you’re not afraid to reach out when you’re struggling Paul, it’s such a strength of yours! In the words of Brene Brown it takes courage to be vulnerable
Awe thanks @Beautiful1973
I took a lot from that conversation with Tara today. It was nice to just talk things through with someone.
After the conversation ended I drove 45mins to Tramore beach to walk around the largest sand dunes in Ireland....however, when I got there it was
and because i was wearing shorts, I opted for fish & chips instead It was a nice distraction
GBS
Respected Member
It’s not a shitty post harps, it’s a fucking brilliant one. Why? Because we all identify with it. Every one of us (well most). It’s called reality and it’s fucking brilliant because without the reality of this being really hard we wouldn’t be here in the first place.
You are ready to face the shite demons now because you can see the struggle for what it is. The promised land awaits you harps my dear boy. You can deal with the really grim bits, so now you’re brain reckons you’re a chess grandmaster so it’s going to play some really cruel tricks on you.
Welcome to the world championships harps…..we’re live on TV without interviews after every round. We’ll done getting through qualifying. The true test awaits you…..but you’re a champ so my money is on you.
You are ready to face the shite demons now because you can see the struggle for what it is. The promised land awaits you harps my dear boy. You can deal with the really grim bits, so now you’re brain reckons you’re a chess grandmaster so it’s going to play some really cruel tricks on you.
Welcome to the world championships harps…..we’re live on TV without interviews after every round. We’ll done getting through qualifying. The true test awaits you…..but you’re a champ so my money is on you.
@Beautiful1973 I had to google Brene Brown tbh and when those little thumbnail images popped up I thought i was looking at Mary Poppins 
Maybe sugar is the answer
Maybe sugar is the answer I actually slept well enough
Motivation is way down and its something I have to work on.
Most days I watch a video, about anything related to porn addiction, or recovery from addiction.
Dopamine, always dopamine. Pleasure seeking, homeostasis and the Gremlins.
The Gremlins hop on the scales to balance the extra dopamine coming in, that dopamine dies off but the Gremlins, well they hang around and not only are you not in balance those little fuckers have tipped the scale to pain.
I know thats pretty basic but I really dont need to know anymore. The only way to get them of is to starve them I guess.
Anhedonic - without joy....how lovely.
Motivation is way down and its something I have to work on.
Most days I watch a video, about anything related to porn addiction, or recovery from addiction.
Dopamine, always dopamine. Pleasure seeking, homeostasis and the Gremlins.
The Gremlins hop on the scales to balance the extra dopamine coming in, that dopamine dies off but the Gremlins, well they hang around and not only are you not in balance those little fuckers have tipped the scale to pain.
I know thats pretty basic but I really dont need to know anymore. The only way to get them of is to starve them I guess.
Anhedonic - without joy....how lovely.
Last edited:
(I ran up a hill x3) I absolutely love these runs So let me tell you how my addicted brain works...
Just this minute i decided that I would purchased the new wetsuit and gloves that have been in an online basket for three weeks.
I didn't want to use my main bank card online, so I transferred €400 to my revolut account. Just at the bottom of the revolut recent transaction page I noticed an onlyfans payment declined, a couple of them actually. I had signed up to 30 or 40 accounts last year, they were free at the time but would eventually charge. I used a virtual revolut so payments would never go through.
Anyway, the wetsuit and gloves cost €364, so I could see a balance if €36. My mind instantly without missing a beat - an image of an onlyfans woman whom i had make a custom video for me. I could see her and I could see that registration button - CLICK.
Just this minute i decided that I would purchased the new wetsuit and gloves that have been in an online basket for three weeks.
I didn't want to use my main bank card online, so I transferred €400 to my revolut account. Just at the bottom of the revolut recent transaction page I noticed an onlyfans payment declined, a couple of them actually. I had signed up to 30 or 40 accounts last year, they were free at the time but would eventually charge. I used a virtual revolut so payments would never go through.
Anyway, the wetsuit and gloves cost €364, so I could see a balance if €36. My mind instantly without missing a beat - an image of an onlyfans woman whom i had make a custom video for me. I could see her and I could see that registration button - CLICK.
...but I didn't click. I try to just let those thoughts go, and I went and powerwashed my Dads greenhouse.
I called to my sister and we had a chat. I likened being an addict in withdrawal or rebooting to walking along a cliff, your destination 10miles ahead and at any point you can loose your footing, and fall off that cliff. Sometimes you fall a few feet and can struggle back on to the path and sometimes you'll fall so far you must wall back to find a way back up the cliff. That's the way I look at it anyway.
But like I said I kept walking
I called to my sister and we had a chat. I likened being an addict in withdrawal or rebooting to walking along a cliff, your destination 10miles ahead and at any point you can loose your footing, and fall off that cliff. Sometimes you fall a few feet and can struggle back on to the path and sometimes you'll fall so far you must wall back to find a way back up the cliff. That's the way I look at it anyway.
But like I said I kept walking
I wasnt on social media much yesterday. I could see a little pattern of watching videos developing, just clicking through videos of idiots doing stupid things. Anyway, last night I didn't watch anything other than Rocky 2 
I slept well and i've noticed I get that sleepy feeling in my head now (the feeling that knocks you out) something I haven't had for years .
I had morning wood for 2 hours this morning, it's great. For me its a sure sign i'm healing. I'm 44, I'm fit and healthy, this is all about the mind & brain healing ☺
And just on a side note, I thought that bad boy was gonna go past my belly button at one stage this morning and I did think to myself (ah here.)
But joking aside, stay off porn, stay off social media and the body and mind will heal.
I slept well and i've noticed I get that sleepy feeling in my head now (the feeling that knocks you out) something I haven't had for years .
I had morning wood for 2 hours this morning, it's great. For me its a sure sign i'm healing. I'm 44, I'm fit and healthy, this is all about the mind & brain healing ☺
And just on a side note, I thought that bad boy was gonna go past my belly button at one stage this morning
and I did think to myself (ah here.)But joking aside, stay off porn, stay off social media and the body and mind will heal.
....last night I made a plan for today.
Make a healthy breakfast. So I looked up protein pancakes and made those. Believe it or not they were nice
2 eggs, 1/4 oats, scoop vanilla protein and a little bit of milk w/ banana on top
The second part is to hop on the exercise bike for an hour, go for a sea swim in the afternnon and this evening run that hill again.
This is what happens when I look at Rocky
Make a healthy breakfast. So I looked up protein pancakes and made those. Believe it or not they were nice
2 eggs, 1/4 oats, scoop vanilla protein and a little bit of milk w/ banana on top The second part is to hop on the exercise bike for an hour, go for a sea swim in the afternnon and this evening run that hill again.
This is what happens when I look at Rocky
Beautiful1973
Active Member
Ohhhh thanks for sharing Paul, I might have to try these, I’ve just started weight training again and are looking for high protein recipes.Make a healthy breakfast. So I looked up protein pancakes and made those. Believe it or not they were nice
I didn't stop eating all day, it was like Yogi Bears birthday
But I did everything I said I was going to do today! I cycled for an hour this morning, dipped in the sea in the afternoon, and went for a run this evening
Just gonna chill out tomorrow.
Today was good and I'll leave it at that for today
But I did everything I said I was going to do today! I cycled for an hour this morning, dipped in the sea in the afternoon, and went for a run this evening
Just gonna chill out tomorrow.
Today was good and I'll leave it at that for today