The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

harpoon

Well-Known Member
Well I completed one day. That was one of  the longest nights of my life, I think I finally got to sleep around 4am but still as crap as I feel, it was worth it.
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
So this morning I went for a cycle, nothing unusual as every second day or so I will generally cycle, but here's the thing, I had way more ENERGY, my heart rate was lower than usual and I could breathe with ease. Normally the hills require more effort but it was so easy today.

In the afternoon I did a few hours work and then decided to go for a run to ke rep myself busy. Halfway around my normal 5km route there is a pretty steep incline, I normally run the top half of the hill but I ran to the bottom of the hill tonight to turn around and run the full length of the hill! 

I guess my body is so ran down from porn even a brief respise from pmo has done my body some good.

It was good to feel great for awhile, it reminded me of how it can and should feel to  be alive ;)



 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
"I want it all, and I want it now." This is true. I have urges right now. Manageable? But rather than sit here and wonder if I can not watch porn, I know I can go for a walk. Simple.
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
So I went back to porn. I won't call it a relapse 2/3 days porno free is just a little break in my eyes.

Anyway I want to get some things off my chest...

I can't sugar coat this...suicide has entered my mind the last week. I have been depressed on and off for years now (porno induced I'm sure) but this seems different. The irony is that it seems the only thing that makes it anyway more bearable is porn.

This is hard to say but I remember in my distant past a "priest." This "priest" was later convicted of paedophilia. Anyway I remember an incident where this priest was seeing students for their first holly communion. We (my classmates and i) were all in church with out parents/guardians. One by one in front of everyone in the church the student would go up and sit on the priests knee, y'know big fat priest trying to be like a father Christmas figure, anyway I remember this dude was basically rubbing his penis off of our hips while we each took a turn to sit on his lap.

This guy was notorious in my town but thankfully as he cased my parents house, my mother knew he was "wrong" and wouldn't leave any of us alone with him.

I don't know why I had to say that, I just did.

Anyway that's just something I remember. I never felt abused, I just knew as a child that was wrong.

I'm not making excuses for my porn addiction either,  but I think that maybe I started mo as a way of coping with anxiety.





 

Gabe Deem

Administrator
Staff member
Admin
Moderator
Hey Harpoon,

It is great to get things off your chest. Let it all out. Nobody is perfect and this community knows that just as good as anyone. You're not alone. Many of us here have experienced suicidal ideation, me included.

What if I never decided to make that first YouTube vid, or start this site? What if I never had that first conversation with a buddy opening up about my struggle that changed my life forever?. As long as you have breath in your lungs you have something to give to this world. Even if it is this very post, that caught my attention at a coffee shop because I, too, have been in a very bad place mentally this past month, and made me focused on doing something positive today.

Life is never about where we are, but about where we desire to be and where we're heading. Trajectory. You're learning, journaling, trying to reach a goal... you're already successful. You've gained insight, wisdom, life experience that can benefit others with each and every journal post or conversation you have in real life. Life is messy, but there is beauty in the mess.

Know that I'm rooting for you today my man. I believe in you. And I know it sucks, and feels impossible at times. But, there is always hope. Just take it one small thing at a time. One day at a time.

You got this. Hope the best for you today. Much love.
 

Joel

Active Member
I've felt that low too, Harpoon. For me, porn took away my ability to feel joy for anything (else). I could feel the joy receptors in my brain just fizzled out. And after too much porn, even that didn't work anymore. Abstaining from porn wasn't the total answer - I had to start replacing that old 'friend' will something good. I feel I have, but still struggle.

They say the opposite to addiction is connection - is there anyone you can connect to and talk to? Paid listeners included - it's a process that can really help.
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
Thank you Gabe and thank you Joel ;) your words of encouragement will help me through today.

  Just a quick note -  last night I watched a movie. Now I've watched 1000s of movies but last night I put my phone down and I immersed myself in this movie (rather than viewing Facebook photos pretending I'm watching y'know) but anyhow, it was the original BLADERUNNER which I've "watched" before but didnt understand but now after paying attention i can confirm Deckard is a replicant :D

But all messing aside, you're not really here if you are somewhere else. I'm going to put my phone down more often and be in the present.

 

J01

Active Member
Glad you enjoyed the movie-I still haven't seen that one yet!  I know what you mean about being in the present-that is hard for me sometimes as I tend to create future scenarios in my mind that never even happen, and thus miss out on what I could have enjoyed at the time.  Stay in touch and keep at it-take care! 
 

Cosmo

Active Member
Harp - Putting down the phone and being more present sounds like solid plan to me. We're so used to distracting ourselves and not being in the moment. It can be very telling when we allow ourselves to be fully absorbed in something and realize how much joy we're getting from it.  I'm glad you were able to be in the moment with this movie. Wishing you many more such moments in the future.
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
Thank you guys ;)

I read posts on here and really get an outside perspective of my own situation. I've wrote the - why do  I feel like shit post, the why do I have no energy post, the I can't get an erection with my girlfriend post. I get it, I've tried everything to keep porn in my life, much improved diet and plenty of exercise but I think that if I just gave up porn it would probably be more beneficial.

So why do I watch porn?.. hmmm at the beginning I was just a horny teenager, then I guess it just took over, it felt good. I've learned to use porn to regulate my mood. Hungover - watch porn. Can't sleep - watch porn. Lonely - watch porn. Feel good - watch porn. Bored - watch porn. But at a certain point in time I didn't want to pmo I just couldn't stop.  I feel like shit after pmo and say to myself never again, never again.

With lockdown things changed. I walked away from work, I knew I was fucked, I was exhausted from porn and I needed to regroup, but in this instance regrouping meant something  different. Instead of one pmo every night, I upped the ante and could fap to porno three times a day, maybe fifteen gaps per week (why am I exhausted eh?)

For me at least, fapping to porn like this has detrimental affects on my mental health, my mood plummets and I fold like origami. I tell myself that I'll go back to one per day but c'mon two days later and I'm back to my old tricks.

What if I just gave up? What would I be missing? The daily dose of this is great but it's actually just a shit lie.

Anyway these are just my thoughts tonight ;)







 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
By the time I realized porn was causing issues in my life, I  realize now I was way past being hooked on it. It took a long time to admit the addiction, still sometimes I pretend I can have a little bit, but I can't.

I'm mr binge. One or two days off porn and I feel great, but I always have that look that triggers days of bingeing.

I feel broken, I feel like shit, and it's from porn.

The joy is gone, the laughter is gone, being real is gone, being me is gone. Plugging along trying to survive is getting more difficult. It seems easy to turn to porn for some relief.

  I remember being referred to a psychologist when I was around 20 years old. I was depressed. I was basically drinking and smoking to much but porn had also started to take hold. I was asked all this questions but I do remember mentioning that I thought I had a bad porn habit. I remember the psychologist totally brushing this comment aside, like I had just told a joke and after that I didn't give it much either.

My point... I guess deep down I did know, but Gollum, my precious and all that, 22 years later still feel like shit.

  I'm trying to get back to work asap. There's just too much time and temptation for me at the moment, I need some structure to my life.

  Anyway just some thoughts for the day. Peace.

 

Cosmo

Active Member
I'm mr binge. One or two days off porn and I feel great, but I always have that look that triggers days of bingeing.

Harp - Many people fall into the trap of thinking that they are uniquely defective, untreatable, destined for failure in overcoming this habit.... I get it. I've been there myself. We start to identify with this part of ourselves that remains stuck, and we call ourselves names. What we end up doing, though, is convincing ourselves that we are alone in this, which is simply not true. There are a 1,000 Mr. Binges in this community! You are not alone in that regard.  And out there in the great big world beyond this community there are tens of thousands more. Sadly, some of those people are resigned to being a Mr. Binge forever and will never do anything about it. But that's not you, is it? You're here reaching out for help and understanding, which you're getting from other Mr. Binges who are stuck and trying to move forward just like you are.

My suggestion, for what it's worth, is to cut yourself some slack and untether your identify from this habit you are neither alone in fighting nor cursed to live with forever. Many people here started as Mr. Binge but have made significant progress in their recoveries. Take heart in that, and believe that could be your future, too.

Wishing you well, friend.
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
Thank you LetitGoAlready;)

I actually went 1-day without porn. I felt great tbh full of energy. I did my Christmas shopping, went for a coffee, and did a few roof repairs in the lashing rain (i actually like the rain lol) then I lifted weights and ordered a take-away.

Today was good.

 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
So there has to be a reason to quit porn. What are mine? Is it vanity? I have a swollen stomach and I'm convinced it's from pmo. Hormonal I guess. But that's not enough of a reason. What about missing out on life, not bring present and not bring the best version of myself that I can be hmmm that'll do it.

I did pmo yesterday. After two days of no porn, I pmo. At least I gave my body a brief rest. That's a positive.

I made the mistake of drinking a lot of alcohol the second night and the next day with a hangover I seemed very compulsive and tbh I didn't give a sh*t.

So I'll go again, but this time no alcohol.
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
I'm gonna make this quick as I want to lift some weights.

Now, as there is no doubt I'm a porn addict, I don't need to cover 'my hopeless devotion' to do it.

I'm going to talk my side effects.
- INSOMNIA
- Anxiety
- OCD thoughts
- muscle loss and fat gain (especially belly area)
- no morning wood ever

They are the top 5 (sounds great , counting down the top 5.) The reason I know that they are my side effects is that when I quit pmo they all but went away, although the insomnia wasn't as bad it was still present.

I gained muscle easily and lost fat as less stress, more testosterone.

And it all makes sense to me.

But I just wanted to post and to try and get back on the right path. It's tough to get those first few days on the board but I want to get back up.






 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
harpoon said:
I'm going to talk my side effects.
- INSOMNIA
- Anxiety
- OCD thoughts
- muscle loss and fat gain (especially belly area)
- no morning wood ever

I'm ticking a lot of boxes when I read those, Harpoon. Most of them resonate. I lost muscle but also lost a lot of bodyfat when in PMO mode. Describing the reasons behind that might be a bit "triggery" for some guys, so I won't share. Insomnia - because my head was stewing with "brain porn" and unable to settle. Anxiety because I felt guilty and I lived in constant fear of being caught-out. OCD thoughts because I had a one-track mind on P. Lots of reasons in that list not to go back out there, right? Life is so much more productive for me when I'm off P. Hope it stays that way for you, and you see gainz in every facet of your non-P life.
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
Thanks for reply WIPUK ;) I knew these side effects were from porn but having some1 else identify with them makes it seem a stronger connection.

  Well I went a night without pmo. It was ok, I did at times wonder why I wasn't fapping at watching porn but I held tough and did not give in.

Today tbh I have strong urges and I feel in a kind of a haze.

In my mind I was going to wake up from a great nights sleep , feel awesome and go somewhere and be great :)' alas I can't say I feel like shit, but I can't say I feel like a god, it's a kind of meh feeling, which is ok.

I realize tonight will be tough. I can feel the chaser feeling, an urge,  a tempting draw to return but that horrible downer feeling once pmo is complete and a distended stomach isn't where I want to be anymore.

I never put pressure on myself to rack up days porn free, I just try to give it a go and won't be too hard on myself if I fail.

Anyway time for a run ;)
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
So last night I went for a run. After two-nights without porn I could finally breathe. My hometown  is basically on a hill so halfway thru my run I ran downhill  to the lowest point in town, turned around and ran uphill to the highest point I could find, which was 1,3km uphill. I had so much energy, it felt great tbh.
After my shower, i washed my face and as i looked in the mirror i saw a brief twinkle come from my eye. For awhile after my run I felt completely content within myself. Eventually urges returned and I spent the night tossing and turning and felt like crap in the morning.

  In the back of my mind I thought I could offset the side effects of my porn addiction with a healthy diet and an active lifestyle but I was fooling myself trying everything I could to keep porn in my life.

I have been exhausted after edging for 3hours but I could always still muster the energy for the third pmo of the night. The next day I would have avocado toast and a poached egg thinking I had beat the system. Aren't I great.

3hrs edging, seven days per week, why am I tired? Why can't I sleep? Why? Why? Why?

But I am three days clean and if nothing else it is a rest for my body and mind, so I will take the little positives rather than look at the larger picture right now.


 
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