The Good, the Bad and the Ugly


Respected Member
.... unfortunately i have somehow ended up in an affair. Well not somehow, it did happen because I was on for it. Hand on heart, I just left the door open for her and I knew eventually she'd walk in.

Its something that doesn't sit well with me but becomes something that goes in a box in the back of my mind and that's not acknowledged until we meet or text. Its not a nice way to be, or live tbh and as tempting as it is, I wouldn't recommend it. It causes stress.

I mean my reboot is going great. My mood is great, my energy is back, this morning I had an erection for like 3hrs. I can climax with a "partner" and it feels great and everything is looking up, but I fucked up didn't I.

I just wanted a connection so much, thats all. Just to feel joy in that way.

I really am lost with this now.


Respected Member
Some days are better than others, and that's just life, I guess. Not that I feel particularly bad, I just feel a hit meh. The Japanese three faces proverb springs to mind. And the month or so I can see these three faces. The face I show the world, the face I show my close friends and family, and my face when I'm on my own (the truest version apparently.) I was trying to work out which face was mind tbh but I guess everyone is different in different situations.

Changing the subject to porn. I do unfortunately miss and want porn sometimes. But this is last chance saloon. Liquor in the front, poker in the rear 🤣

Something everyone needs to realise about quitting porn is that while this addiction may be the cause of a lot of your lifes problems, it's not the cause of them all.

I was chatting with someone about porn addiction yesterday and I said "I'm lucky that morning erections have returned so quick, and I'm alive down there again. I didn't realise that I missed feeling like this." It was something like that. I had taken that energy away through porn. I have more morning wood than I have ever had and I know that they'll only get better (that's enough knob talk for me for one day 🤣) but rebooting does work, I know that flatline, it goes.


Respected Member
....i installed an outdoor double socket for my sister today. It meant putting tools in my car, going and buying the bits for the job and going and doing the job. There was a time during this reboot when doing this would have been as appealing as drinking the leftover juice from a jar of pickles, but I now can say I do enjoy doing little jobs again and it does give me a sense of satisfaction. In fact I enjoyed it quite a lot.

Everyday I do try to fix something or get something done. Tomorrow shred some tree branches.

But c'mon, I can see a major change lately its awesome 😁


Respected Member
Last night I sat in the kitchen, put on this old 80s pop CD and tried to play along on my acoustic guitar 😀 "ohh, makes me wanna dance, ohh it's a new romance" 🤣 there was a few gems. Anyway, my point is that I have never sat in the kitchen with my guitar so content in myself, it would never even occur to me.

Am I happy?......well closer than I have every been 😀 I laugh a lot now and I'm content in myself. The difference is quite amazing.

As I've said I'm kinda with someone. It's great to have some fun, and do things but I can see traits in her that are red flags to me and I withdraw to protect myself when this happens. I know this is such a double standard but if you are willing to have an affair what kind of a person are you really?

And as porn doesn't have me by the balls anymore, I'm not obsessed with sex now either, while it's nice, it's really the connection that I'm after.

I'm still figuring myself out and figuring out what I like.

But this journey is about me. While the old me is getting weaker at holding me back, the new me pulls me forward getting stronger.

Its quite something to stand on your own two feet and say "fuck it" and truely mean it 💪
Last edited:


Respected Member
Yesterday morning I knew I would set a new parkrun pb, in fact I told ppl before the run that i would set a new pb 🤣 I did (phew) 37seconds quicker than I had ever ran.

I knew tbh, my mindset has changed lately. I believe in my ability so much. I don't know where that belief comes from, but it has always been there....i just didn't realise it was there for so long.

In the afternoon I met a friend for a walk on a beach, and after she went, I went to a hotel bar and had a few alcohol free beers and I won't lie, I wasnt even hungry but i ordered chicken wings (so fat 🤣🤣)

My point really is this - I was crippled with anxiety, sexual ocd thoughts, and depression. My personality was gone, I rarely smiled, I never genuinely laughed. I existed.

All that has gone now and I have been in the best form of my life for the last two weeks or so 🙂


Respected Member
But for anyone starting out here's what happened to me -

The first stage is withdrawal, I spent two weeks in bed, headaches, cravings and urges. I couldn't think straight. Everything was sexualized.

Anxiety left pretty quickly along with those sexual thoughts. My mood plummeted and i had no libido, 100% flatline.

I kept busy exercising and tried to do something small everyday. It doesn't matter what it is, it's not the point.

The cravings became more of a want, but the odd time I was hit with a massive urge and would have to walk out the door and go for a stroll.

At this point I could feel my brain repairing, it was quite amazing. The only way I can describe it is its like a minute pin prick sensation behind my forehead. It felt like healing and I was becoming way less compulsive.

My mood was up and down. Some days I'd have morning wood, some days I wouldn't. In the days I didn't I tended to feel terrible.

At this point the beast had changed. I wasn't constantly fighting urges or cravings. There was a want in me and there still is. I had to learn to live with that. I had to learn to live porn free. It was so difficult to let go, I felt vulnerable tbh.

After 100 days my mood was getting better every day and I basically have had morning wood every day since.

But as I said the beast that your fighting changes, you need to know this. It changes into something else but you will need those coping skills down the line. At the start, at least for me it was pure willpower because I didn't really know what I was doing.

As time went by I've learned to let urges pass and to take it day by day. But when I do doubt this journey that I am on, I will say to myself - what would tomorrow be like if I stay sober? It could be great but you need to stay sober to find out.

I did tell a few ppl in the family that I had a porn problem. They were all very supportive but obviously can truely understand. Sometimes you'll just need someone to listen.

I was struggling one day and I told my mother, she said "well if you relapse you have no one to blame but yourself."

At that moment I realised this was all me.
Last edited:


Respected Member
I won't lie, yesterday I watched some porn. The only reason I stopped was because I have come so far and I just can't go back to where I was 4 months ago.

I have some cravings today too.

Why watch a little porn? Well I have a cold and I had a really crappy nights sleep and was feeling a little down.

There's also the fact I am seeing someone and i get aroused when with her and sometimes I'm left horny and on my way home and I'm like what do I do now?

Anyway I'm alright and feeling good but I do realise I need to fully commit and knuckle down because I was starting to think I was cured.

I dont want to flip flop here at the end of stage 3 forever.

Anyway I'm back to walking


Respected Member
Thankfully I got my head together today. I had a part to fit on my car so i went and did that and I enjoyed working on my car.

I dropped some food to my sister (she's not eating well and she seems to eat if I drop her in food 🤣)

And I ran a 5km night run and nailed it taking one minute off my time. I've taken two minutes off my best this week and now my pb is 20mins and 30seconds for 5k!

I reached out to a guy in SLAA that I have chatted with a few times, I haven't talked to anyone in awhile about porn addiction, and I need to get focused again.

But I've had a good day and I'm in great form and I dont want to lose that.


Respected Member
I know if i dont keep journalling I will eventually relapse so i'll keep journalling. I'll just write what's in my head and maybe it's make sense to someone 🤔

Life can be sooo great at times, I feel on top of the world. I've new friends, I do new activities, I laugh, I joke and I've gotten really fit and ppl actually think I'm a good athlete and it is humbling to talk to ppl and hear the lovely comments.

You'd think it would be enough wouldn't you?

But there is a part of me that still wants more 😔

As I mentioned I'm with someone now....well in the sense that its under the radar. Its not ideal, especially in recovery, its exciting if you understand me.

I dont think I was ready for where i find myself, and ideally I think I would have benefitted from another few months of sobriety.
Last edited:


Respected Member
Quitting porn won't make your dreams come true, for those you must work like everbody else.

When my Dad x had cancer, one day he said sarcastically "my little friend that wants to live with me" and in a way that's how I feel about porn. Its there with you always. It might be buried deep, maybe for a long time, but make no mistake it's there.

So because I'm with someone and long story short maybe once a week we're together in that way and I'll have a great orgasm but I do want more now, I feel the chaser knockin' at the door. For me it doesn't seem normal to only orgasm once a week, I am a little messed up still.


Respected Member
I find myself lost once again 😔 with work, with life, with love, but mostly with myself.
Now the rabbit hole presents itself.


Respected Member
What happened?

I've been in really good form lately and it's one of the longest periods I've ever had when I've just felt good within myself.

I'm with a woman thats married. It's affecting me because I find i now have a secret life again and thats something that I had given up.

We really get on great and love being with each other but I know its wrong too and that is starting to get to me.

I'm starting to look at myself again