The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Phineas 808

Phineas 808

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Now you have a standard of yourself to set against yourself. You got a glimpse of a 'better you', a more perfect or higher ideal version of yourself. I don't think you can honestly or peacefully go back and 'settle' for this. You owe it to yourself and everyone else involved to move on, to move the needle back to your true aspirations, where your true peace is.

Believing in you, harpoon!
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
Ok so here's the thing, myself and herself went away for a few nights. She had a conference during the day but in the evening we fooled around in the bed and went out for a meal and drinks etc we had a great time and there is a great connection between us in the bedroom. We talk on the phone and laugh a lot together. So i don't know anymore, I just live a double life on that one.

Cravings have come back, once you get a little bit in real life it seems to have made me want to get that rush.
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
I thought falling in love would be magical tbh but in a way i guess I did fall I love....with porn that is. I don't know if I can ever love another.

In my current situation, I have a woman whom adores me, and her husband has had enough of her not being present in their marriage and has basically ended that marriage today.

Of course he gave her what she wanted.

However I'm not the replacement and have my own dreams.
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
Two things are certain - The wheels on the bus go round and round 🤣

Just thought a bit of light humor my lift my mood. Life seems very serious lately for a lot of ppl in my life. Operations, grief, break - ups, financial struggles, judgement 😢

In the end all I know is that you must mind yourself and help the one's you love, there isn't really a lot more.
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
I'm finding everything very difficult at the moment. I was great off porn and life was mostly good. While my mood I still pretty good, I feel at times drawn to porn to just feel better than good.

Whats rocking me is this relationship. We basically fancy the arse off each other and have this bond which I have never felt, its great, dont get me wrong but y'know it has kicked off something in my mind which I had suppressed, I actually get a chaser effect.
Its a challenge that i wasn't expecting tbh

Anyway I guess its part of this journey. But if anyone has advice on this I would greatly appreciate it.
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
Androg said:
If it's a new relationship, keep in mind that you're dealing with some very powerful "honeymoon neurochemistry." Tell her about the chaser, and ask if you could try just spending some time together with clothing on, or just engaging in affectionate touch.
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Thanks for the advice Androg ;) appreciate it 👍
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
I feel a little derailed lately and am trying my best to basically hold everything together at the moment.

I need to reevaluate what I'm actually doing and where I am going because I don't know and that's a problem as I feel quite lost
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
I had been single for about ten-years before I had a "relationship" with a woman last year... it lasted about four-months.

It wasn't really a relationship as I felt railroaded by her (she had been on her own for a long time too, and while strong, she seemed quite closed) and as it went on I just withdrew and eventually said nothing. She ended it.

It was everthing but a relationship really. I was in a bad place (with grief and addiction) and in the end I felt like a horrible prick for being addicted to porn while in a relationship because it wasn't just me I was hurting, I was now hurting someone else (44 year old man becomes mature....eventually.)

But now I'm in a "new" relationship and we do all that relationship stuff but I find dealing with my emotions quite difficult.

I just see red flags all over this relationship and I have this anxiety and stress about the whole thing.

And stress is not good, not good at all.
 
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Simon2

Simon2

Well-Known Member
As hard as it is, try to open up to her about it all. Just tell her about the red flags, your struggles, your anxiety. If it's meant to be then having these things in the open will help. If it's not meant to be, well then you don't have to stress about having the relationship break down because of too much information released by you.

A relationship is the natural next step for you (as you've tamed the porn monster). I am guessing that feeling like something is out of your control is very hard. This may not be "the one" but it is in a relationship that the next level of beauty in your life can come from.
 
Androg

Androg

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In your relationship, can you focus on what you're grateful for? And let her know? It might be a way to bring out the best in both of you.
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
Simon2 said:
As hard as it is, try to open up to her about it all. Just tell her about the red flags, your struggles, your anxiety. If it's meant to be then having these things in the open will help. If it's not meant to be, well then you don't have to stress about having the relationship break down because of too much information released by you.

A relationship is the natural next step for you (as you've tamed the porn monster). I am guessing that feeling like something is out of your control is very hard. This may not be "the one" but it is in a relationship that the next level of beauty in your life can come from.
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Thank you 😊
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
I haven't been on here in a few days, tbh I just forgot to write in my journal. I've gotten very good at being busy and time seems to fly these days.

It's strange not to "need" porn anymore. Dont get me wrong, sometimes I want it, but it's not the same, i'm not overwhelmed by thoughts and cravings and I'm OK with it tbh.

I have a partner now and we do stuff 🤣 and tbh we have great fun in the bed. Of course i suggested strip poker 😀 she went for it 🤣

She recently has said she adores me, and now she says she loves me. I really do like her so much but I'm a little hesitant to open my heart completely right now. But there is massive chemistry between us.

Getting off porn and healing my brain (and believe me, its night and day) I'm now very much my own person. I stand on my own two feet and have become very independent. It needed to happen.

I can now see why so many relationships failed in my life. I hadnt grown up.

But being grown up doesn't mean getting out the Sunday paper and the tea pot. It just means take responsibility for your life. I have had more fun in the last two months than I had in the last two years!
 
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harpoon

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I can see that to truely reboot and be free the decision must not only be to not use porn or its sexually stimulating buddies, but to get to a place where you don't want them anymore.

I'll be honest and say I have looked at certain shows on TV to see what I could see, but as milli vanilli as that may seem, i can feel that door being opened.

Anyway I feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life.

I would of liked another few months on my own, it's easier to fight this addiction without a partner (at least for me.)
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
Here's what I know....it would be quite easy to become a sex addict, or maybe just an addict. I have great fun and great orgasms in the bedroom atm however I always want more, see the problem 🥲 and it is a problem bc anxiety and stress is returning.

The other thing I know is that I will always have to work at this and at times it seems like a mammoth task.

Any advice on this? How do I have a fulfilling sex life and not let that feed the addictive side of me?



Thank you
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
Today I said to the woman that I'm seeing that I would step aside if there was any chance that she and her husband could salvage their marriage. She said "Do you honestly think that I want that?" I said no. She then said "I love you Paul." Which was the first time she had ever said that.

I dont have all the answers to this situation but I do know I want to be sober for me but also I feel like I want to be sober for her.
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
I've been letting go of an old Paul for a very long time. It's not a bad thing though. I was an incomplete version of myself and someone that I dont want to be anymore.

I realise now that I have created over the last 20 years a very empty and lonely life. I really don't know how to repair all the damage.

I can't love is my biggest issue 😔

I'd imagine this is a problem for porn addicts? Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't think so.

I put on a brave face and say I have no regrets, that what's in the past is in the past but I do have regrets...so many.

I have someone whom loves me. Shes separating from her husband for me. She has three kids and is willing to work all that out to be with me and i dont know.

The novelty of a relationship generally wears off for me after a month or so. It's because porn I guess, new novelty the whole time.

Maybe I'm just having a bad day. I actually feel like my libido has been cut.
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
Somewhere a long the line I took this reboot for granted. It doesn't work like that. One by one little habits started to drift bsvk and to my life. It has become a balancing act now. I've had a few looks to many.

A few bottles of beer have made there way back in too, plenty of sugar has returned and while my drive is there I get tired a lot.

When I am on my own, I am hungry. When I'm with someone I get sloppy.

The problem I've found was being with someone and having all these orgasms. We have great fun in the bed and i'm trying so hard now to not let that destroy where I sm with porn addiction.

Monk mode was easier
 
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