The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

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harpoon

Respected Member
I'm still here and still fighting but I do feel very lost atm.

I'm not ready for this big dose of commitment that is heading my way. Sure I loke her alot and we have fun together but I don't feel like I thought being in love would feel.

Is it enough to fancy someone and enough their company? Is there more?

I seemed to get fed up once the novelty wears off. I know that comes from porn and no one could ever compare to that.
 
Androg

Androg

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Admin
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Biology really jerks us around for its own ends. It's hard to sort out underlying feelings. Sorry for what you're both going through.
 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
It seems like we are sprinting towards my Fathers first anniversary. My life changed forever that day.

I tried to break free from porn that day and lasted 9 stinking days.

Months of pain.

I have fallen out with my brother about this. He brought covid to my Father's home, unknowingly in his defence but staying two days after testing positive for covid I will never understand.

My Father had cancer and was so vulnerable.

I've fell out with a few I'm the family at this stage and I am at peace with most of it to be honest. You have to look after yourself in this life, that's all I know.

I walked away from my job.

I have lost and gained so much on this journey.

It's like the ppl I loved before my Father's passing away I love more now and the ppl that were in my life that I didn't really care for can now such my ass.

Besides my two sisters I have withdrawn from the family, I no longer care, its every man for themselves.

They all ran and hid and left myself and my Mam for dust. They can say what they want, it was quite pathetic.

Clean slates can be good and I like where I am I life right now.

With my "girlfriend" we'll see. It's fun but complicated.

With porn, well keep fighting.
 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
Androg said:
Sorry for what you've been through. It's a tough planet.
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Its life and I realize that every1 has something going on but I'm not woe is me, it's just what I'm going through.

The biggest problem I find is that I can manage my own feelings about things, it's ok. Its other ppl, their stress that affects me. It's a vibe and an energy that changes my mood.

Anyway I need to focus on porn and this reboot i can feel my mood slipping and thats not good.
 
G

guitar1968

Well-Known Member
harpoon said:
Its life and I realize that every1 has something going on but I'm not woe is me, it's just what I'm going through.

The biggest problem I find is that I can manage my own feelings about things, it's ok. Its other ppl, their stress that affects me. It's a vibe and an energy that changes my mood.

Anyway I need to focus on porn and this reboot i can feel my mood slipping and thats not good.
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Hang in there harpoon. Life is not easy for sure. I let all of the stresses in my life trigger my porn addiction for sure. I've been realizing that more than ever lately. I don't know why I didn't notice it in the past, but when work stresses me out, reach for porn, when I'm fighting with my wife, reach for porn, when the bills stack up and money is tight, reach for porn. I guess I just thought it was a straight up addiction. Needing that release. But that release was just numbing me from dealing with all the shit life has to offer.

Good luck. Hope you find better ways to deal with your challenges.
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
In general, I'm pretty good these days. My mood is good and life is good. I have come a long way on this journey.

Believe me and have faith that this addiction does actually get easier to manage and sometimes its not there at all and life can be awesome.

I wouldn't advise taking my route and hooking up with a woman in the middle of a separation but you don't know what's around the corner and that's life.

I actually completed a duathlon today with my brother. He's cool to be fair, he doesn't talk about other ppls business and takes a very logical approach with everythin. He's a great athlete and a good brother and he is a person whom I do have great respect for.

I did tell him about my porn addiction and he was great about it.

I do sometimes struggle when I'm on my own, or when I'm stressed or like now, after the high of the duathlon I'm tired and depleted and the high has gone. I struggle with boredom.

With my new "gf" I realize there is quite a lot of lust on my behalf, but I don't know if that translates to love.

What is love? And I guess if I ask that question I don't know. I really don't know what I want anymore and always fee like I'm holding back to protect myself.

Possibly porn has fucked that.
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
Ya know I struggled with this hole "affair" thing for awhile but their marriage was finished and she is free to do what she wants. We all have the same friends is the issue that's putting every1s nose out of joint. In her husbands eyes I am the only reason his marriage failed but In reality it's because he has a depressive outlook on life, no get up and go, and while his wife struggled with depression and money was tight after their second child he still wouldn't get off his ass and get a job. In 2018 when she tried to leave him, he said I'll kill myself and headed off to the beach to drown himself. That event broke her heart and she stayed with him because she was terrified. The fact is, he took his wife for granted and she got bored of his bullshit.

The final blow was she noticed that her children were becoming very negative like their Father and that was the end.

She's separated and I'm single so we can just be happy and have fun now surely? Why is everything so serious, the dishes still get done if you know what I mean.
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
You would think that I have it made.... a new girlfriend whom pretty much does anything sexual to please me.

The problem is that eventually you look to your emotions and I have started to look at mine. I really care for her but I just don't think i'm in love with her.

We have so much in common and such a good time but I don't look a her and think i'd love to spend the rest of my life with you, but does anyone?

Maybe a part of me grew up the last 6 months. Porn, sex or whatever can only mask your feelings for so long, eventually you must face them.

Anyway I'm very good at staying away from porn these days, it rarely enters my mind. The thrill now is renting hotel rooms once or twice a week and pretending we are a couple with no responsibilities.

I just don't know what I want anymore 😕
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
.....however I am free from porn, and that at the end of the day is why I am here.

Also it's coming up on my Dads first anniversary and the family (especially the women) are stressed out moreso than usual.

It's been quite a year really. My Dad passed away last May. I vowed to never watch porn again and lasted 9 days. Then in June I had two women wanting to date me 🤣 I went with option B and had a great two weeks which then turned into a 4 month nightmare. I was obviously suffering from PTS at this point and can't remember much. I fell out with two of my brothers, which looks terminal. Then decided to quit porn last October because well....I had nothing left. Three weeks of porn my then gf dumped me but I stayed strong and kept going while accomplishing some goals (Dublin City Marathon PB by 17mins!!)

Then I started meeting option A 😆 for coffee once a week. Then twice a week. Then 3 times a week, then all the time...then eventually a hotel room.

I'm no angel and have watched porn once or twice along the way but for 99% of the time I have been so good. I did that. I have changed but while most of the time I'm good, the emotions I have been ruining from are still there.

I'm quite an emotional guy really. I do wear my heart on my sleeve and if I love you I will do everything I can to make you happy. If I'm hurt by you I become an absolute cunt.

With my new gf I am in protective mode which is in between. Sometimes I adore here and sometimes i'm like what a fn pain in my ass this is. I don't want to live my life like that.

And thats the problem. I don't know what I want so I'm stuck in protective mode while trying to be like yeah this is cool.
 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
So I haven't been with my gf in a couple of days and yesterday I started to give urges again. Today is worse.

I do prefer being with her over porn but when we can't ne together, eventually I will have cravings and obviously my go to would be porn.

I actually love kissing her and being with her and its easy but somewhere in there I realise that if I wasn't having sex I would be having more urges for porn.
 
H

harpoon

Respected Member
It's been awhile and I guess i need to start journalling again because things aren't going as planned.

My gf, and it's all fairly new, loves me and loves having sex with me. Sounds great doesn't it, the dream. The reality is its a nightmare. I feel like i'm in a porn video and the underlying feeling i have is like the feeling I had when watching porn, empty. Porn thoughts enter my mind while with her and stress enters my body and its horrible.

It's all leaves me feeling empty and with cravings, just like porn.

She has been great with me, really making sex fun, but as time went by I again just wanted that high everyday and while I'm OK atm I need to knuckle down.

Any advice appreciated 🙏
 
Androg

Androg

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It sounds like you are both on a treadmill of trying to please each other with hot sex. In fact, exhausting your sexual desire for each other may not be the best way to contentment. Daily affection is extremely important, but porn-like sex just leaves you hungry or depleted.
 
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