The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

harpoon

Well-Known Member
I'm 4 days porn free, and as Llyod Christmas would say "suck me sideways" :) (I'm Irish, we make light of everything ;)
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
...but all joking aside, I do feel like I'm holding on to the side of a cliff my my fingertips and I feel very vulnerable to saying "fuck it," that's bring 100% honest.

My body feels like it's in a high stress mode, but I'm not going to dwell on it, if I can make a week it will be a small victory in my eyes.
 
Hi Harpoon, 
You can do this... We can do this... for one hour, or just for today.

Know this; You are not alone and this community cares about you and wants to see you succeed.
Your struggle is my struggle too...

All the best
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
  Thanks for the kind words of encouragement SerenityWisdomCourage ;)

  Tonight I put on my running gear and went outside to run my 5km route. I felt tired, or to be brutally honest fn exhausted from the last 4-days of basically no sleep. As much as I love the buzz from running I decided that I was just too tired and maybe it would be more beneficial just to walk the 5km. When I returned home I made something to eat and now I have to say I feel very relaxed. This may be a strategy going forward, evening was rather than evening runs.

  Anyway I'm still on course for a week and will try keep myself busy over the next few days.
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
I just don't get it anymore. My libido has plummeted and the only reason I would fap to porn now is to lift my mood as I feel flat as a potato pancake, or just the sheer boredom of it all.
 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
harpoon said:
I just don't get it anymore. My libido has plummeted and the only reason I would fap to porn now is to lift my mood as I feel flat as a potato pancake, or just the sheer boredom of it all.

You've been through this before, Harpoon, haven't you? We both know the shape of the early days in recovery, when the drug we've been hosing our brains with has its tap rudely and abruptly turned off. You'll feel flat as that pancake for a while. We always do. Hopefully recovery will matter to you more than getting a fix, because you will start to feel better soon if you can hold on, mate. Hoping you can make it stick!
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
Than you for the words of encouragement workinprogressuk ;)

I need a bit vent today, so read of you want but it's not good.

So as I sat at my desk, uploading songs to itunes I had a thought - "I finally know why ppl blow their fn heads off." Its not the first time i've haf this thought. Lately my thoughts have become very irradict. My mood alternates between extreme highs and extreme lows, and to be completely fn honest I feel like I'm a bystander in my own life, watching it go down the fn drain.

I don't really want to cover old ground, but I didn't realise that the high from viewing porn was an addiction until I found this website and realised then what I was actually doing and it all made sense, unfortunately I was hooked.

I know the path forward is to walk away...I know the rewards are awesome...l know I will have a better life...I know all this.

There will always be an end, may be not even your choice but I've done enough damage and I do want yo heal. I can't commit to 90-days, 7-days or whatever, I can only do one day at a time.

I can only try, even if it's just for today, that would be something.

I'm paraphrasing here, but I remember a scene from Alien 3 "how do you want it? Standing tall, or on you fn knees begging for mercy?!"

Harpoon



 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
So I completed one day. Hand on my heart I didn't view anything sexual stimulating. Sleep was terrible but I did manage a few hours and I have to say for whatever reason I felt more content and at ease with myself than I have felt in awhile. I felt more manly. More alive. More energetic. I will go for a run s shortly just to try and tire myself out.

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised that i actually feel better, I mean if anything with that kind of fapping routine you would be exhausted.

Today was good.

 

joepanic

Well-Known Member
Good morning Harpoon

      Haven't seen you in a bit  but I reread the last few weeks of your journal  and was wondering how your making out.  I'm not sure yet if I am qualified to hand out advice  but I'm going to give you a touch of insight into my own recovery.  I like you could not go  a day without either thinking about it doing it or  being miserable for trying to hold off.  In the end  I did things that  forced me to "change my pattern of use"  And I say "forced" because that's what it takes for some of us.  I actually put a porn filter on my computer and wrote a 20 number/letter password on a piece of paper. A random  password that would be impossible to remember. I put that paper in a place that I knew would be physically difficult to reach (in my case it was  in a garage of another property that I own) When I tried to access porn it took me way over an hour  before I was able to.  This happened a few times until I got sidetracked going after the password and  wound up not viewing that day  Poof.... pattern broken but I was able to think logically why porn was bad for me  and actually wound up going several days clean.  Now this didn't totally solve my addiction but it was certainly a step in the right direction at the time.  For me  breaking the cycle of addiction was about breaking some patterns  and  grabbing onto something that I could use as a tool  in the fight  Eventually you get enough tools to begin "fixing" yourself

    Cheers


    Post often it helps me it helps you
   
 

Harpoon1978

New Member
Thank you for reply Joepanic :)

I couldn't log in and reset my password so I have reregistered as Harpoon1978.

Today I'm on my second day off (lets just call it off, I'm along from from clean it free.) So two-days of no porn. The stupidity is real. I thought I would miraculous feel great and sleep like a baby *facepalm*

I have brief moments if clarity and when I realise what I have become. Did i really watch all the porn?? Yes.

All I know is this -  there will always be a reason for one more look but it'll will never satisfy.

I don't know where I go from here but not fapping tonight is a start.


 

workinprogressUK

Well-Known Member
Doubt you're any more stupid an a$$hole than I am. Sorry to read that you feel bad. Hope you can find a way to be kind to yourself and recognise a positive path forward.
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
So.....i guess a decision must be made. Left or right, up or down, good or bad. My body can't take much more punishment.

So let's have another shot. Forget porn and move on. One night is a small goal for today so that's my focus for tonight, and I'll take it from there.

Just a couple of reasons to keep myself motivated - no morning wood, muscle loss/abdominal fat, feel weak and tired, brain fog.

Note to self - porn withdrawal isn't as bad as using porn makes me feel.

It's time for a reboot
 

Nick Simons

Active Member
Hey Harpoon - I feel your pain dude. I have felt a thousand times the exact same way as you feel - frustration, fucking anger, hopelessness!

Sometimes I felt like I was living the old saying about insanity - the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome. And yet ... I did keep trying (not sure why ... maybe the same thing that keeps you trying). And sure enough, somehow I managed to hit a tipping point ... and things seemed to unlock ... and change actually did take place. I know that may seem like a far away thought but it can happen to you. Keep trying and try and stay strong brother.
 

harpoon

Well-Known Member
Hey Harpoon - I feel your pain dude. I have felt a thousand times the exact same way as you feel - frustration, fucking anger, hopelessness!

Sometimes I felt like I was living the old saying about insanity - the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome. And yet ... I did keep trying (not sure why ... maybe the same thing that keeps you trying). And sure enough, somehow I managed to hit a tipping point ... and things seemed to unlock ... and change actually did take place. I know that may seem like a far away thought but it can happen to you. Keep trying and try and stay strong brother.
Thank you Nick ;)
 

guitar1968

Active Member
So.....i guess a decision must be made. Left or right, up or down, good or bad. My body can't take much more punishment.

So let's have another shot. Forget porn and move on. One night is a small goal for today so that's my focus for tonight, and I'll take it from there.

Just a couple of reasons to keep myself motivated - no morning wood, muscle loss/abdominal fat, feel weak and tired, brain fog.

Note to self - porn withdrawal isn't as bad as using porn makes me feel.

It's time for a reboot
Quite a roller coaster ride reading your entire journal. It probably has more struggle than any other that I have read so far. This was me for a long time and I had so many similar feelings. So many things you said sounded just like me. Especially the looking in the mirror and wondering the f**k I am. I have no idea why, but 35 days ago I had enough. I mean, just truly enough. I felt so bad and shameful that I didn't know what to do. I was on these boards about two years ago. Didn't post, just read. Did a lot of reading on Your Brain On Porn. I walked away for about 4 months and felt remarkably better. Of course, I started with I can just do it once a month. That became once a week, then once a day and then right back to having porn open on my computer for most of the day.

So, that takes me to this time. It feels different. Not sure why. Maybe I just finally got really tired of it. It wasn't enjoyable any longer at all. I also read the Easy Peasy Method, which is great, a little too long if you ask me, but it had one point that really resonated. It was that I'm giving up anything, I'm gaining so much by not watching porn. What you are giving up is the shame, the time, the physical and mental effects... What you are gaining is time back in your life, focus on other more worthy pursuits, better health, better relationships, the whole package. Maybe it was the book that has made this time so much easier. Hard to say. Maybe the book and feeling like I hit the final straw. But I'm going through so much easier than I was the last time.

Anyway, I'm not here to preach. I'm only 35 days in this time. But when I think of the thousands of other times I was going to quit it was just like your journal. Everything from feeling like why should I bother living to who am I.

I truly hope you can turn it around this time. I want to read your happy ending some day and I hope it's the same happy ending that I have. Never looking at porn again. Never having the desire to look at it again and never feel like I don't know who I am or that life isn't worth living.

Have a great and hopefully porn free day. Please just keep coming back here through your ups and downs. It's better to ope this site up and write what you're going through than opening a porn site.
 
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