The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

harpoon

Respected Member
Things I have noticed about myself at this point is that I take better care of myself, I wear clothes that i haven't worn in months and I have without doubt more energy.

One thing that I'm cautious of I that I'm avoiding porn the whole time, I always have to be somewhere else, doing something else, hopefully this will settle down and i can learn to relax more. I've noticed that my gf does this a lot and I do wonder can she remain content right now or must there always be a bigger, tougher challenge to replace addiction.

I spend a lot of thinking about not watching porn and I know that this has to change, I mean if u think about chocolate all day eventually you'll have chocolate.

Anyway, I'm still here fighting for another day :)
 

harpoon

Respected Member
I went for a swim at the beach. I only started swimming back in January and I love it. But I went for a swim, its so awesome, I feel like superman in the water! Not a can in the world. Then once back at the house and changed, porn thoughts return. I think what have i done to my life. I was supposed to be awesome. I was supposed to be strong. I was supposed to be happy. I chose porn, and not only did I choose porn, I embraced porn, in fact i'm in love with porn. Anything you want, 24/7 the bar is always open. It's like that scene Fom Dusk Til Dawn

If porn is just about getting high, then I love getting high, but there is a crossover, I love getting laid in a different way and its very difficult to now divide the two 😔
 

harpoon

Respected Member
What I've realised is that - no one can save your ass only yourself. No one can help. Support is great but it must come from within.

Where am i with this? I have a newish gf, she doesn't know, I can't, and don't want her to know, but fuck me, it's tough at times.

I feel like I dont know her 😔 i'm not present most of the time, I have flashes of being me, maybe like lightning but how often does lightning strike. I can only try my best right now.

I mean tbh when i look at porn I feel alive, I get that feeling when running & swimming but with porn it's just like pour as much as you want we can settle up later :)

Is this it for me? My greatest achievement in life may be to get clean.

I have conquered everything in life except porn.
 

harpoon

Respected Member
Yesterday was tough, I was wobbling tbh I went off to a swim lesson, drove home, had something to eat and had a great nights sleep. I can't remember the last time I slept so well.

What's really bugging me is my new gf and I don't know if that's because of porn withdrawal or what, but its impacting my mood.

I mean she has had a few bad experiences in relationships and seems quite reluctant to be affectionate, whereas I will always kiss her hello, goodbye and end a text with a kiss. I like doing it and it shows I'm interested in her, I hope anyway 😆

I get that every1 is different but it comes across imo as not being interested, that's how I feel tbh but the other day she was organising a trip away next week for a week, so I don't understand tbh.

Maybe atm I'm needy or clingy or something but I just don't know how I feel anymore, I have tried and find i'm just giving up slowly. I don't know if this is relationships in our 40s but quite serious I am not.

As far as I know she is happy, but I think we're beating a dead horse at this stage.

She is a strong woman and has raised a child to a grown woman on her own. She has bought and paid for her house. She has quit alcohol/drugs and is 12 years sober, but I also think that because of all that she is quite serious.

I understand too that I have a secret addiction and am quite messed up as I work my way thru all this.

I do have feelings for her but I couldn't do this for the rest of my life which to me means i'm not in love and then what is the point?

Anyway a little off topic but I needed a cent on that one.

Don't get me wrong, in bed she will kiss and hug for hours and is great but what about the day, why be so mechanical or functional, why not say goodbye with a kiss.
 

harpoon

Respected Member
Honestly I can feel like superman and bananaman in the same day.

But I do like being sober, if I could just get to the next level I could make it. Step off the ledge in the dark having faith that there is another ledge on the other side.

What's the problem saying goodbye to porn? Maybe it's safe, and will always say yes, always the same outcome - pain, maybe there's comfort in that. Maybe I don't like being uncomfortable or not in control 🤔

Maybe.
 

harpoon

Respected Member
I dont know anymore, my heart is broken, and I feel broken 💔

Maybe porn viewing was about pain, about fuck you, about feeling good because deep down I feel worthless. I lost my way somewhere along the line and with that the joy, I struggle with depression now, and since I was a teenager.

With porn I could medicate, and still be happy enough going around doing things but the reason I wanted off porn was to have sex with my gf but my dick has now tanked and I have neither. Sure we do other stuff in the bedroom and we have fun but I can't get a porn high and tbh will always feel empty shortly after we're done. We'll then hug, but I am far away in pain, while she is content and holds my hands between hers. I will always ask for a kiss goodnight and she will always give me that kiss and an extra one. Maybe I just want to be loved or feel loved but they are two different things.

Today is just a bad fn day. I'll try to move forward and not relapse. I wish I had someone that would just give me a little hug and say that it will be alright 😔 just a little hug would mean the world 😔 is it too much to ask for a hug on this planet!?

I know I have to work at me, why can't ppl be nice, why can't ppl care, why can't ppl show emotions, why are we (or at least me) afraid to cry and be real. I feel like I'm being strangling from the inside out, and no porn is worth this fn hell on earth.

So many have failed, I have failed, but it won't be today that's that's promise.
 
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Simon2

Well-Known Member
The first few weeks are the hardest. Everything you're feeling is normal. I don't think the rewards of quitting become obvious for many for at least a month or two. That's why this is so hard to quit. We all remember the high porn gave us. We tend to forget the lows... Don't give up.

I am sending you a virtual hug! 🤗
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
I wish I had someone that would just give me a little hug and say that it will be alright 😔 just a little hug would mean the world 😔 is it too much to ask for a hug on this planet!?
Sending you a virtual hug @harpoon, with regards to your Lady, maybe you have different Love Languages......I know mine are Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation and Quality Time......actually I can do all of them to be honest, but I need ALOT of affection, so I often feel like I'm "Too Much". This just popped into my head when you said about your Lady being excited about booking a trip away, maybe her Love Language might be more "Acts of Service" and 'Quality Time".......I might be completely off the mark, but just wanted to share.
 

harpoon

Respected Member
The first few weeks are the hardest. Everything you're feeling is normal. I don't think the rewards of quitting become obvious for many for at least a month or two. That's why this is so hard to quit. We all remember the high porn gave us. We tend to forget the lows... Don't give up.

I am sending you a virtual hug! 🤗
Thank you SimonM :)
 
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Phineas 808

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I know the feeling, bro- you're not alone in that. The longing for love and affection has been deeply rooted in my own childhood, and the cruelty and disinterest of this world was almost unbearable, especailly as a teenager.

But sending virtual hugs, brother!
 

harpoon

Respected Member
Sending you a virtual hug @harpoon, with regards to your Lady, maybe you have different Love Languages......I know mine are Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation and Quality Time......actually I can do all of them to be honest, but I need ALOT of affection, so I often feel like I'm "Too Much". This just popped into my head when you said about your Lady being excited about booking a trip away, maybe her Love Language might be more "Acts of Service" and 'Quality Time".......I might be completely off the mark, but just wanted to share.
Thanks Beautiful1973 ;) I'll be honest I didn't know about different love types. I googled it, did a quick online test and obviously I am a physical touch kind of a guy. Which I knew as I lookfor a kisses from her on several occasions and when she is in the kitchen I will walk up behind her and hug her. I also get that the lack of presence is damaging to me as I can feel that, to me if you're interested in someone you see them often. I have always been like this.

She is very much Acts of Service. She cooks a lot of dinners for me, makes over night oats for me and plans trips away, but i'm thinking "why the fuck are we going away? Does she even like me?" because the lack of time spent togerher and affection shown to me is damaging.

I actually said to my brother "some guy would be happy being fed like this, but I want more," and maybe that's what I need.

Especially with porn withdrawal I feel very little, and a hug and a kiss would make my life a little easier.

Anyway nap time, all this fighting urges is hard work.
 

harpoon

Respected Member
I'll hold my hands up and say this isn't easy. I know it'll be the biggest obstacle that I will ever have to overcome.

What's the outcome, what do I want to achieve? Maybe it's as simple as a clear mind. Just to be comfortable in my own skin. Just to have fulfilling sex with someone I care for (I know right, give me a bucket.)

So just for fun let me tell you about my daily routine -

Woke up about 8:30am, I knew high tide is at 10am (I learned a new swim technique the other night and wanted to practice) so try and get to the beach by 10.

I put the kettle on , then went outside and got my swim gear. Made a cup of tea (being Irish we nearly drink tea b4 water!) and ate my overnight oats (deadly if u make them right btw.) Check my phone....no work emails, and no text from gf, fair enough.

Grab the keys and my swim gear and out the door. Gear in the car boot and flying down the road listening to Guns N Roses! Swing in to McDonald's for a coffee and feeling good.

Get to the caravan at the beach, take gear out of boot and unlock caravan door. I go inside...hey, I could watch porn now...nah just get ur shit on and go for a swim. Check phone again, no text from gf...she obviously doesn't give a fuck, fuck her. Put on wetsuit and head to beach.

The water looks cold, but it's calm and where is that seal that was here last week? Looks like he's gone! Great, I won't have to protect my face and balls while i'm in the water 🤣

Get in the water, this is fn freezing but in fairness I love it, its so refreshing. I try my new swim technique...hmmm this is awkward. I set my watch and start to swim. I struggle to breathe, this technique feels awkward but I can see from the beach that I am quicker, I'm quicker right? I get in a groove and swim neatly 900m (I only started in January, and I enjoy ever swim!)

I get back to the caravan and resch for my phone, I upload the data to strava and look at my time....hmmm 2min/100m WHOA that's 30s per 100m faster than I have ever swam, so 😊

I have my shower and get in my run gear. I msje a cup of tea to warm myself up. I pace up and down the caravan...I could watch por, watch porn....I resist the urge. I check my phone again, no text from gf, Jesus christ, a good morning would make my day, she obviously doesn't give a flying fuck.

I head off on my run. I'll do 5k, no the 8k loop, no ur running a marathon in a few weeks do 10k (I ran 42k last weekend:)) I get in to the run. I feel doom. I feel hurt. Keep going man ffs. I have the tunes rocking but think it's over, I can't do this, she doesn't care, I can't do this anymore. I finish my run, 50mins and get a text from the gf - hey hun, how are you today? for a moment I'm the happiest man alive. We text back and forth, eventually I screen shot my swimming times on strava and say that isn't that a great time, I'm delighted. She says something like, well ur swimming straighter. I take that as an insult, no mention of my time being 30s better, why can't ppl just be nice...fuck that I think. After a barrage of texts about the swim lesson I had the other night i head home.
 

harpoon

Respected Member
I get home and cook some chicken with garlic and olive oil on the George foreman grill, bung a rice pouch in the microwave and I have a pretty nice dinner. I struggle to eat it. I feel sick. I feel doom again. I eat it and go for shower number two.

There's no one at home and I feel vulnerable so I just go for a drive. I text the girlfriend, hey wanna do something later? I'm doing a class with my cousin tonight, u can hike with me and my pals tomorrow? Hmm fuck that I wasn't part of the hike plans I think. Ah u enjoy hun, catch u later.

I'm pissed off driving around in the rain at this stage and just go home and write in my journal on reboot nation. Cool I notice a few replies, hmm what's this different love types? I Google this and take a test...Wow I'm a physical touch lover (she's defo act of service) explains a lot.

I lie in bed, maybe she does care but not in the way I need. I don't know 😔
 

Beautiful1973

Active Member
@harpoon sounds like a blissful day.
I could recognise quite a bit of myself in your writing….. I used to do that thing with checking texts and getting annoyed….. then you get the text and everything is right in the world for a moment. You might find you need alot of affirmation as well, like the bit you wrote about her not mentioning you being 30 seconds quicker.

Something else I’ve learnt about over the last little while is attachment style, I’m naturally an anxious insecure attachment and have to work really hard to move into a secure attachment style…… I have to learn to fill my own cup, which sounds like your Lady might be able to do herself.

Anyway, just thoughts and things for you to look into if you want, or not.
 

harpoon

Respected Member
@Beautiful1973 Most my days are pretty blissful 😍 Swim, run, walk, cycle, weights, I just love to exercise and be outside!

I dropped my gf up an antigen test about an hour ago, she tested positive for covid and I couldnt stay, but we had a chat.

She was so disappointed our trip is off 😔

The problems (if any) in the relationship are pretty much all mine. I can see that. I'm great on my own but struggle in a relationship. But I've never looked at what I want from a relationship or how I am in a relationship so today has been an eye-opener. Mr Touchy meets @yourservice 🤣🤣

It was funny with the swim time tho, I'll return the favor one day 🤣
 

harpoon

Respected Member
My new signature - just do it for the boners 🙂
But all joking aside, I nearly love being sober as much as I loved porn. Remember the film Tombstone? "You tell 'em I'm coming and I'm bringing hell with me, ya hear HELLS COMING WITH ME!!"

This time reboot seems different. I want to be free, it can be awesome and painful but in the end its the way forward, I do know that.
 
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Phineas 808

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I love that quote from Tombstone! As stated earlier, I've been aware of your struggle for literally years now- and I know you've been more off than on during that time, but YES ---> I can testify that your reboot and the mental state behind it are far different!

Go for it, brother! You deserve nothing less than absolute freedom!
 
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