Hey Harpoon,
It is great to get things off your chest. Let it all out. Nobody is perfect and this community knows that just as good as anyone. You're not alone. Many of us here have experienced suicidal ideation, me included.
What if I never decided to make that first YouTube vid, or start this site? What if I never had that first conversation with a buddy opening up about my struggle that changed my life forever?. As long as you have breath in your lungs you have something to give to this world. Even if it is this very post, that caught my attention at a coffee shop because I, too, have been in a very bad place mentally this past month, and made me focused on doing something positive today.
Life is never about where we are, but about where we desire to be and where we're heading. Trajectory. You're learning, journaling, trying to reach a goal... you're already successful. You've gained insight, wisdom, life experience that can benefit others with each and every journal post or conversation you have in real life. Life is messy, but there is beauty in the mess.
Know that I'm rooting for you today my man. I believe in you. And I know it sucks, and feels impossible at times. But, there is always hope. Just take it one small thing at a time. One day at a time.
You got this. Hope the best for you today. Much love.