The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

[unchained]

All I know is this - there will always be a reason for one more look but it'll will never satisfy.

So very true. I always chase the "just one more look" and hours pass.

 

[harpoon]

So very true. I always chase the "just one more look" and hours pass.

I made it two days. Uncomfortable, awkward, unsettling, but I made two-days. The only thing that I can say is that I can feel the energy within my veins. There is a difference.

 

[harpoon]

It was so easy to follow the rabbit down the hole. 100% commitment shown. I love you all, my pixellated beauties. Let's stay forever...... then snap back to reality, alone and depressed, what have I done.

As an addict I find irony in the denial. I can never admit I'm an addict when it's blatantly obvious I am.

Porn will always be alluring, it's endless, I thought it would becoming boring but it doesn't and you (or at least for myself) will never be satisfied, but I am tired of this lie.

 

[harpoon]

Porn addiction...ladies and gentlemen I give you hell on earth.

I firmly believe that everything has an equal and opposite reaction, and nothing is free.

Today there is just nothing left. I really can't think of anything worthwhile, I just want to be left alone.

 

[Carl_Smith]

You seem pretty down on yourself. If you have an hour with a clear mind, can I suggest reading https://flying-eagle-method.org/
I hope things turn around for you.

 

[harpoon]

Than you Carl_smith I have read a few chapters and seems very good so far.

I feel like I'm stuck in third person shooter mode. Watching myself. Everything is annoying me lately, I just want someone to talk with me and listen, but the irony is that I'm the person that ppl come to when they need to talk. Believe it or not i'm quite a positive person, but my secret porn addiction has me literally by the balls.

I have had some successful streaks (At the time I didn't see the progress or benefits) band now I would give anything for that time again.

I have a few days left in work then I have a few months off so i'm hopeful i can try again.

 

[Carl_Smith]

Than you Carl_smith I have read a few chapters and seems very good so far.

I feel like I'm stuck in third person shooter mode. Watching myself. Everything is annoying me lately, I just want someone to talk with me and listen, but the irony is that I'm the person that ppl come to when they need to talk. Believe it or not i'm quite a positive person, but my secret porn addiction has me literally by the balls.

I have had some successful streaks (At the time I didn't see the progress or benefits) band now I would give anything for that time again.

I have a few days left in work then I have a few months off so i'm hopeful i can try again.

Cool. So the neat thing about this book is, you don't stop PMO while you're reading it. Just do your normal usage, but read the book a few times.
Let me know what you think when you've read it twice. Take as long as you need.

 

[harpoon]

Hmmm where to start. I think it goes like this, first you like it, then you want it, and then you need it. It still seems bizarre to me that i'm addicted to porn but this is true, "i like it a lot" and possibly need it now to feel "normal."
But i dont feel normal. I'm fatigued and i have lost weight and cant stand to be around ppl anymore.
The pandemic just made some ppl i know obnoxious, in fact quite a lot of ppl. Or perhaps i have changed, maybe i just dont have time for shit anymore. Either way, i find myself at a crossroads.

 

[harpoon]

Well.....my father passed away two-weeks ago and my biggest regret is that i never managed to break free from porn and be a complete human being.

Now i'm faced with so much pain its hard to go on. Porn, or whatever you choose is the great escspe, at least for awhile.

I think about this addiction that i have, and know that it is now massive. I've made every excuse to justify using porn, but there is nothing left.

*triggers* I look back at my last sexual encounter with a friend (we've had a few previous one night things, she's married) i saw the opportunity and she came home with me (she just wants me, so its easy, too easy, one day we'll fuck up i"m sure), but i'll be honest i could not get erect. She asked what she could do, so being hammered, i said bend over and i rubbed one out on her a$$. I felt so bad and never thought i would be such an asshole. I used her, and used me, and all this just causes pain.

Her husband was once my best friend, and he came to my fathers funeral a week later and my heart sunk. He told me i was a great son to my Dad. I felt so bad, what have i become.

I've hit rock bottom without my Dad.

I need help and i need advice. I'm lost.

What do i do?

Any help appreciated even the hard stuff

 

[DontPanic]

I have read your journal entries. I recognise the anxiety, mental anguish and despair that underlies them. My heart goes out to you my friend. There are many people on this forum who are well placed to offer advice, support and encouragement: it is a good place to be when trying to deal with a difficult addiction. However, first things first. If you feel that you are at a moment of crisis then you need to take some immediate, straightforward measures. Take time off work and go and stay with someone you trust and who cares for you, a close friend, a relative, somebody who does not require too much explanation. A week..10 days. You can cope with grief and you can overcome addiction but first you need to steady yourself. Being alone with trauma when you already feel like things are out of control is a non starter.

 

[GrateClips]

Well.....my father passed away two-weeks ago and my biggest regret is that i never managed to break free from porn and be a complete human being.

Now i'm faced with so much pain its hard to go on. Porn, or whatever you choose is the great escspe, at least for awhile.

I think about this addiction that i have, and know that it is now massive. I've made every excuse to justify using porn, but there is nothing left.

*triggers* I look back at my last sexual encounter with a friend (we've had a few previous one night things, she's married) i saw the opportunity and she came home with me (she just wants me, so its easy, too easy, one day we'll fuck up i"m sure), but i'll be honest i could not get erect. She asked what she could do, so being hammered, i said bend over and i rubbed one out on her a$$. I felt so bad and never thought i would be such an asshole. I used her, and used me, and all this just causes pain.

Her husband was once my best friend, and he came to my fathers funeral a week later and my heart sunk. He told me i was a great son to my Dad. I felt so bad, what have i become.

I've hit rock bottom without my Dad.

I need help and i need advice. I'm lost.

What do i do?

Any help appreciated even the hard stuff

personally, having found a counselor that specializes in sexual/porn issues has been a good start for me. As opposed to regular counselors for general stress/depression etc.

even if you don't live in a big city you can probably find one online and start there.

support groups may help too you sound like you are really struggling.

at the end of the day it helps a lot more to talk to someone who understands this issue

 

[harpoon]

I honestly have never really admitted to myself that i am a porn addict. I've acknowledged the fact that i watched to much and that i absolutely fn love it, and there is always a part of me that thought i could control this. Its a funny one, because, in my case anyway, after a few hours of regret for the latest relapse, i will always pick myself up and think i'm the cat that got the cream.

The "absolutely fn love porn" statement...well i will admit thats true and thats why i do it, and that has to be a fact because why else use porn every day? It makes me feel good and i've got a to a point where i couldnt care if i die as long as i can have my porn.

But i'm no fool either and i know thats my addict brain talking. But i have two very different sides. I'm actually a nice guy, quite smart, great with numbers, can fix anything, good job, fit as a fiddle (i run, i swim, i'm training for a triathlon,) from the outside you would think i have it made. But its not like that, i want it all, i'm a greedy self indulgent pig too

I sometimes quit for say a week or so but that 7 day itch of that craving comes and it always seems like a great idea to pmo.

Do I absolutely love porn? Yeah, but i also absolutely fn hate it.

The only shining light is that every day can be, if you want, a fresh start. Sometimes one day clean is just enough for the moment.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

I honestly have never really admitted to myself that i am a porn addict. I've acknowledged the fact that i watched to much and that i absolutely fn love it, and there is always a part of me that thought i could control this. Its a funny one, because, in my case anyway, after a few hours of regret for the latest relapse, i will always pick myself up and think i'm the cat that got the cream.

The "absolutely fn love porn" statement...well i will admit thats true and thats why i do it, and that has to be a fact because why else use porn every day? It makes me feel good and i've got a to a point where i couldnt care if i die as long as i can have my porn.

But i'm no fool either and i know thats my addict brain talking. But i have two very different sides. I'm actually a nice guy, quite smart, great with numbers, can fix anything, good job, fit as a fiddle (i run, i swim, i'm training for a triathlon,) from the outside you would think i have it made. But its not like that, i want it all, i'm a greedy self indulgent pig too

I sometimes quit for say a week or so but that 7 day itch of that craving comes and it always seems like a great idea to pmo.

Do I absolutely love porn? Yeah, but i also absolutely fn hate it.

The only shining light is that every day can be, if you want, a fresh start. Sometimes one day clean is just enough for the moment.

Absolutely, a momentum can be built and it needs to be built in order to make things going with porn recovery. As much as I hate the "one day at a time" thing that a lot of people say (and that's only because I struggle with the idea of one day at a time, I think too much about the future), it happens to be true: We can be porn free forever, one day at a time.

The craving will not go away soon, it will go away later and we need to endure it, there is no other way, we can't jump back to porn after a week because of the craving. In quitting porn there is suffering. Yes, I love porn too. I love the high that it gives me. Ultimately, I've become a slave of pleasure. I would deliberately wait days to build urges so I could have an extreme euphoric moment. I know that in my case it goes deeper than this, the pleasure being how I've been trying to fill the hole in my soul, but at least on the surface, without looking deeper, it's pleasure of porn I crave. But one needs to go: A better life or porn. You can't be a true definition of "badass" and binging porn at the same time. We all know by now, porn "sucks" energy from people ( no pun). It's the ultimate energy vampire.

In my opinion, there are three steps we need to start with:

1) Admit there are problems: A porn problem, addictions, unhappy life (if this is the case) etc. Everything that is not alright with you and your life. There is no problem here, be brutally honest about it, look yourself in the mirror and say: "Okay, man, this is what's wrong with me and I hate this very much".
2) Believe that the problems can be made to go away and our lives can improve;
3) Seek and accept help.

For me it went like this: I admitted all the problems with my life but I refused to believe my life could get better and I refused to seek help. The result? I was still at the bottom of the pit. It's our duty to improve what doesn't go well with us, we actually don't have to stay there forever.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Where I "come from", I've developed a resistance to looking for help and accepting help. In order for someone to help me, they need to know wtf is going on with me. And this was the problem: I considered talking about it as being weak. "Man don't bitch about this, we have to be strong and solve our problems ourselves". But, the idea is, if in all those years I couldn't fix myself alone, I'm pretty positive I don't know how to do it and I need other perspectives, advice, knowledge etc. from other people. There is a good thing in finding help.

 

[harpoon]

Thank you for reply Escapeandnevercomeback i'm tryimg to turn this around and what you are saying makes so much sense.

I need to get this off my chest. I've never paid for porn, it was always the free stuff that was good enough. Two years ago, i think it was phub that gave away a free trial and thats when i ran down the rabbit hole.

Last week i joined one of those porn fan sites and long story short i contacted an old favorite of mine and she made a custom video for me. I had to wait 7 days for the vid and didnt fap in thst time as i wanted the ultimate high and in my mind this was the end of porn and a way to say goodbye......how wrong was I. I found more of my favourite actresses, text them and asked what they would charge to wear this and do that etc i felt so down after my father passed away, i just thought wtf i just want to feel something for a minute, just something.

But i stopped that as i had spent $300 in two days and knew that if i kept at this my house deposit would be gone in months. I worked some overtime on Sunday to make the money back.

My experience of it all is this - its a business transaction - their using you and you're using them. Its fake as fuck and both parties are damaged imo

 

[harpoon]

I wont lie, i have made some very bad decisions lately. No porn in a week, but i have fucked up. I fn lost atm.

 

[harpoon]

I went off with a married woman (this is not our first time either) and i think i may be in some sort of relationship with her.

 

[harpoon]

I have somehow managed a week free pf porn...a lot of the time struggling with cravings but i've kept busy and anyway about a week free

 

[Aeodh Dan]

I have somehow managed a week free pf porn...a lot of the time struggling with cravings but i've kept busy and anyway about a week free

Good, celebrate it in your own unique way and treat yourself with something, whatever that may be....
Perhaps set another goal for an additional week?

 

[harpoon]

So i met a girl about 7 weeks ago and we have been going out for about 3 weeks.

I'm pretty much porn free for that length of time too. But I do struggle, and I'm finding things difficult atm.

I know it's porn withdrawal, low mood, sleep is terrible, flashbacks, everything seems to be sexualised. My mood has basically hit rock bottom and i'm very meh about everything. The stress and being annoyed at every little thing is brutal.