The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

[harpoon]

"...tread softly because you tread on my dreams." W.B.Yeats

In reference to the destruction of dreams from porn addiction. If only I had known.

Imho It's not as simple as abstaining from porn, there is so much damage (I'm realising.)

Depression is a big hitter - being surrounded by ppl whom love you and feeling alone hurts and living minute to minute in hope of just some small relief.

Then you have the depersonalisation - playing out your life like a video clip.

The libido - couldn't get enough of porn, now cant get up to porn (I tried once, the stress) can get an erection easy but can't keep it.

Feeling inadequate with nothing to offer anyone and nothing left to say.

I realised now that while I was using porn and thought I was gaining something (an orgasm, a high) in reality I was giving a little piece of me away everytime.

My penance may be that once I found love, I was too broken to be Ioved.

 

[Phineas 808]

Powerful words above, brother. Yes, there's so much more than just abstaining, as important as that is.

You will find your healing, you will find yourself.

 

[harpoon]

Unfortunately a few days ago myself and the gf split. She said "I don't feel like I'm falling in love with you, and i'm sorry." I rang her and we met the next day.

We went for a walk and I said I have to tell you something because well I thought she needed to know the reasons I wasn't present. I told her I was a porn addict and I let her read my journal on here.

She cried. We walked up the beach and had a chat. I held her hand while she sat I the van, we laughed at a few things i said, and on a few occasions she wanted to kiss me on the lips, I could see that.

We went our separate ways. She text me last night to ask how I was feeling. I didn't reply until the morning. She then replied saying she was crying all night and that she can't process it, that I lied to her, she feels cheated on and was hurt.

Eventually after a few more texts she did say - now you see why I don't let anyone in. She never let me in, and I've read about avoidment attachment and imo she doesn't want to get hurt, so this big wall is up. And she pushed me away. End of story.

I felt drained in the relationship. Fighting to stay off porn is tough, but I was always wondering what mood she'd be in, or what could I say, eventually I was just tired and gave up on it, and sat in her sitting room like a lemon until bedtime.

It's funny though, all said and done we were quite happy in the bedroom. I did ask.

The sad thing is, she said it was perfect other than she felt like she wasn't falling in love.

I've tried to look at this externally - she wouldn't let me in because she's afraid of being hurt and me being deep in withdrawals from porn, well it was a cluster fuck really.

I needed to be real and let her read my journal. I wanted her to know the real me no matter how damaged I am. I'll be honest, I didnt think she would get so upset about it

Normally this type of pain would send me flying back to porn. For some reason this time I refused to budge. I'm doing so well I won't give up.

 

[harpoon]

My brother advised me to ring a counsellor about my porn addiction. I did and we've set up six sessions, the first one tonight.

I rang a helpline yesterday for mental health support, a woman rang me back at 11 last night, she was an addiction counsellor.

I asked about withdrawals and yes everything i'm going through is withdrawals, and it will take time. The headaches are horrible and the depression is unreal.

I asked about recovery and she had so many nice stories so people do recover.

 

[TakeActionNow]

Thank you for sharing.
It's so clear that we are all imperfect, and in your case, she has her problems and challenges too.

But mostly I'm super proud of you for coming clean. It really takes a man to say to another, especially a girl, and someone who matters, our darkest secrets.

I was in the same boat as you 5 long years ago. Almost want to end everything.

Today I have everything I need.
And best of all, porn is not part of anything for me. It's really amazing how much porn distorts and mess everything up.

Tomorrow will be better for you too. Believe in yourself! Don't let setbacks get you down. Tomorrow will be better!

 

[harpoon]

@TakeActionNow thank you for the kind reply

Well I still haven't watched porn do I want to? Nope

 

[harpoon]

So just a quick post. I'm still going strong and doing OK. I have a numbing headache in the front of my head fir the last few days.

I'm actually on my own I'm the house atm and normally I guess this would be where I would look at porn....for some reason now I will not. It goes against everything that I have ever stood for really but i won't.

I opened up to my sister about my porn addiction. She is my best friend and has always been there for me. I asked "what do you think of your great brother now?" She said "I'm proud of you and your doing great." ❤

I opened up to two close friends over breakfast. One of them, a woman said about porn "oh right, it robs your joy" and she's right.

I have been asked what do I get from it, and in the end i guess it may quite possibly I feel connected, at least to something.

I look back on the relationship I just had and i can see that I want a connection, I want to share life and experiences with someone, I want to give love and recieve love, i'm just love love love all joking aside, I think loneliness is part of this.

Anyway l'lI work my way through another day

 

[harpoon]

For the last hour or so I have had an unrelenting craving to watch porn and mo. My head is pounding. Withdrawals are soul crushing at times and painful, but I am determined to not fail one day at least time, s choosing right now to go for a walk I the wind and rain.

 

[Blondie]

Stay strong and give it the middle finger!

 

[harpoon]

Stay strong and give it the middle finger!

Thanks @Blondie I did

 

[Blondie]

 

[harpoon]

I am determined more than ever in my life to beat this addiction.

I will say that the headache is relentless and pounding however, I'm starting to enjoy it

I rang an addiction centre whom offer a 5 week inpatient program. I mentioned I was nearly a month clean and he seemed very surprised.

The only other thing I have decided is that I must be completely sober this time. Alcohol isn't important to me anymore.

For those interested:
Withdrawals -
Headache (nothing like I've ever felt, front of my head aching for relief)
Urges - most of the time ok, but then the hindenburg floats in (just go for a walk, it will pass)
Urination - I've just noticed less frequent urination
Stomach - isn't bloated anymore
Insomnia - this is brutal if you figure out a solution let me know

 

[TakeActionNow]

Insomnia is a tricky one, mostly due to overthinking and anxiety, or sleeping in the day.
The best bet is still through exercise in the day. Perhaps set a 5k everyday for 30 days routine? Good for so many reasons.
Equally important: no coffee or tea at all. Caffeine has a big impact. Takes a few days to clear the system.

Some other tricks
1. Leave the light on (simulate daytime nap)
2. Cold shower before bed
3. Hot soup before sleep
4. No screen time after 10
5. On podcast in bed (bore you to bits)
6. Make your room cool or cold

We're with you!

 

[harpoon]

Insomnia is a tricky one, mostly due to overthinking and anxiety, or sleeping in the day.
The best bet is still through exercise in the day. Perhaps set a 5k everyday for 30 days routine? Good for so many reasons.
Equally important: no coffee or tea at all. Caffeine has a big impact. Takes a few days to clear the system.

Some other tricks
1. Leave the light on (simulate daytime nap)
2. Cold shower before bed
3. Hot soup before sleep
4. No screen time after 10
5. On podcast in bed (bore you to bits)
6. Make your room cool or cold

We're with you!

@TakeActionNow thanks for the helpful info

 

[harpoon]

I just take everyday as it comes now, what the point of thinking of tomorrow if you fail today.

But with the headaches and depression I try to think of it as my body healing. I try to think of it as damage that's been done that I want repaired. I want my life back and this is the only way forward.

I will never be happy or complete with porn in my life. End of story.

My destiny is in my own hands (literally.)

I know the dark moments pass, the urges subside and sometimes smiling is easy.

I don't think it's a coincidence that my Father passed away in May and I am here today. I realised that day that nobody is forever not even me.

 

[TakeActionNow]

I'm sorry to hear of your father's passing. I loved my father dearly and mourned for many months. Religion completely left me the moment he passed. That's what death looks like... Absolute.
It's been almost 10 yrs now. He continues to live in loving memory.

If you don't mind, I'd like to encourage you to do 2 things:
1. Have a daily goal to accomplish. Read a chapter , do crossword. Anything that you'd spend maybe 30mins each day.
Do it and recognize yourself every day.

2. Achievement account.
Start accounting all your daily achievements, every little one of them, even the small and seemingly insignificant ones like doing laundry and buying groceries.

Achievement accounting helped me feel alot better. I hope it can help you too.
Also, go to bed reflecting on your good achievements.

Direct your mind towards the good, always.

 

[harpoon]

@TakeActionNow thank you so much for taking the time, you're encouragement and advise have been so helpful!

 

[harpoon]

I talked to a counsellor on the phone the other night. I told her I was 27 days free and will be 30 tomorrow when I run a marathon. She said to phone in and to ask whomever answers the phone to pass on the message if I was 30 days clean. I will be. Just for today she is my inspiration

 

[harpoon]

Today my brain is saying that I don't have a porn problem I know it's a double cross and I'm trying to be strong.

I woke up with morning wood, and the withdrawal headache seemed a lot less intense, however as bad as withdrawals are they do suppress your sexual energy making it easier not to view porn but now I am faced with being randy I suppose.

It's a strange addiction.

But I cant go back, I just can't and if quitting porn and being sober is to be the greatest achievement of my life so be it.

 

[Rain2000]

Hi Harpoon, I have just read a bunch of your posts on the last couple of pages on this thread and I just wanted to say that I have total and utter respect for you. It sounds like you've been through a lot, but hats off to you for being so brave and honest with those around you. Reading your posts and seeing how strong you have been, gives me hope and belief. Keep going!