The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
- Thread starter harpoon
- Start date
My mood has tanked the last few days, I haven't been sleeping well do I guess thats part of it.
What I do know is that i'm not happy, or at least not happy with the direction my life has taken.
I joined a swim group last January, nice casual swim group, that has morphed into a competition every swim now and I actually prefer to go alone so i don't have to listen to the bullshit about swimming after the swim. The reason I was there in the first place has now gone. Ppl just take over I guess. These ppl at first were different I thought, I had found somewhere to be happy and chill. No. In fact the bitching, and back stabbing and delusions of grandeur have destroyed that group for me. Me me me me me ugh.
I go to the same place for a swim with my older brother or on my own and I have so much more fun. I meet ppl on the beach and chat or talk to the girls in the local coffee shop.
Running has really been my thing for a few years now, just grab my trainers and ipod and just go.
But I'm unsure now about this new life I have created, well I'm not unsure, I know I have no interest in it anymore. I'm tired physically and mentally.
My mood has just collapsed and I'm finding it difficult to even get out of bed the last few days.
I've strangled the dopamine drip. No fb, no instagram, no tiktok, and it has an affect it really does, because all of a sudden morning wood and fantasies enter my mind (if you let them.)
I'm terrified of relapse now. Absolutely terrified. It would rip my heart out and prob end my life. I know thats a horrible statement but I couldn't cope with losing what hope I have left
Signing up for an Ironman was to be this great challenge, I believe I can do that (with training obviously) but I have realised that my greatest challenge is to overcome porn addiction. Not epic training sessions that leave me tired and vulnerable.
Theres just so much going on atm it's tough
But the good news is I am 84 days free here so I will take a little strength from that.
What I do know is that i'm not happy, or at least not happy with the direction my life has taken.
I joined a swim group last January, nice casual swim group, that has morphed into a competition every swim now and I actually prefer to go alone so i don't have to listen to the bullshit about swimming after the swim. The reason I was there in the first place has now gone. Ppl just take over I guess. These ppl at first were different I thought, I had found somewhere to be happy and chill. No. In fact the bitching, and back stabbing and delusions of grandeur have destroyed that group for me. Me me me me me ugh.
I go to the same place for a swim with my older brother or on my own and I have so much more fun. I meet ppl on the beach and chat or talk to the girls in the local coffee shop.
Running has really been my thing for a few years now, just grab my trainers and ipod and just go.
But I'm unsure now about this new life I have created, well I'm not unsure, I know I have no interest in it anymore. I'm tired physically and mentally.
My mood has just collapsed and I'm finding it difficult to even get out of bed the last few days.
I've strangled the dopamine drip. No fb, no instagram, no tiktok, and it has an affect it really does, because all of a sudden morning wood and fantasies enter my mind (if you let them.)
I'm terrified of relapse now. Absolutely terrified. It would rip my heart out and prob end my life. I know thats a horrible statement but I couldn't cope with losing what hope I have left
Signing up for an Ironman was to be this great challenge, I believe I can do that (with training obviously) but I have realised that my greatest challenge is to overcome porn addiction. Not epic training sessions that leave me tired and vulnerable.
Theres just so much going on atm it's tough
But the good news is I am 84 days free here so I will take a little strength from that.
Last edited:
BigChanges66
Member
I was actually going to post these thoughts on my thread, but your comments here just seemed like a good fit. I have been focusing on four actions in an effort to be more proactive in my life. One of them is "play" and your comments about what happened with the swim group fit this. I try to look for things to do that are like playing when I was younger. Something you just wanted to go do purely for the fun of it. It sounds like the swim group provided that at the beginning; however, the fun was lost as the group changed. You said it when noting you have so much more FUN now when swimming alone or with your brother. Keep looking for that activities that add a little fun to your day.My mood has tanked the last few days, I haven't been sleeping well do I guess thats part of it.
What I do know is that i'm not happy, or at least not happy with the direction my life has taken.
I joined a swim group last January, nice casual swim group, that has morphed into a competition every swim now and I actually prefer to go alone so i don't have to listen to the bullshit about swimming after the swim. The reason I was there in the first place has now gone. Ppl just take over I guess. These ppl at first were different I thought, I had found somewhere to be happy and chill. No. In fact the bitching, and back stabbing and delusions of grandeur have destroyed that group for me. Me me me me me ugh.
I go to the same place for a swim with my older brother or on my own and I have so much more fun. I meet ppl on the beach and chat or talk to the girls in the local coffee shop.
Running has really been my thing for a few years now, just grab my trainers and ipod and just go.
But I'm unsure now about this new life I have created, well I'm not unsure, I know I have no interest in it anymore. I'm tired physically and mentally.
My mood has just collapsed and I'm finding it difficult to even get out of bed the last few days.
I've strangled the dopamine drip. No fb, no instagram, no tiktok, and it has an affect it really does, because all of a sudden morning wood and fantasies enter my mind (if you let them.)
I'm terrified of relapse now. Absolutely terrified. It would rip my heart out and prob end my life. I know thats a horrible statement but I couldn't cope with losing what hope I have left
Signing up for an Ironman was to be this great challenge, I believe I can do that (with training obviously) but I have realised that my greatest challenge is to overcome porn addiction. Not epic training sessions that leave me tired and vulnerable.
Theres just so much going on atm it's tough
But the good news is I am 84 days free here so I will take a little strength from that.
84 days is great! You can definitely take more than a little strength from that.
PS - the other 3 actions for me are Create, Engage and Let Go. Will explain more on my thread later today on my thread as I hit 30 days. This is a really difficult task we are trying to complete. I read a lot here to help stay focused. Thanks for posting!
@BigChanges66 Thank you, thank you so much.
I like the part about 'play'
I never lost that with running as I mostly run alone listening to tunes which is awesome.
I've realised that I have to do what makes me happy (I don't know why it took so long) but I have to enjoy what I do and tbh I have had enough of some activities and some ppl. Unfortunately one of those ppl is my brother.
I'm tapping out and doing my own thing for awhile. Now i love to train, but it's the ppl and the bullshit that I can't stand.
I like the part about 'play'
I never lost that with running as I mostly run alone listening to tunes which is awesome. I've realised that I have to do what makes me happy (I don't know why it took so long) but I have to enjoy what I do and tbh I have had enough of some activities and some ppl. Unfortunately one of those ppl is my brother.
I'm tapping out and doing my own thing for awhile. Now i love to train, but it's the ppl and the bullshit that I can't stand.
@BigChanges66 ...and congrats on the 30 days btw 
So i'm a little happier now I've made a decision to take a step back and do my own thing. I'm just not a pack runner, it's as simple as that.
My focus is this addiction. I am doing so well here - 85 days I am proud of myself. I want to reboot more than anything.
Despite the heartache of losing my Dad in May, it being the first Christmas without him, buckling with depression and stress, losing my job, disastrous relationships, being the guy in an affair and all that in the last six months, I still have managed to go nearly 3 months porn free and from that lot I do take strength.
My focus is this addiction. I am doing so well here - 85 days
I am proud of myself. I want to reboot more than anything.Despite the heartache of losing my Dad in May, it being the first Christmas without him, buckling with depression and stress, losing my job, disastrous relationships, being the guy in an affair and all that in the last six months, I still have managed to go nearly 3 months porn free
and from that lot I do take strength.
Beautiful1973
Active Member
Merry Christmas Paul, your doing great.
Thank you for all the support
Merry Christmas to you too and thank you for all the support over the last three months.
I will post one more time before maybe lifting weights.
I visited my father's grave today and I cried. When i got home I felt alone and down and I had a thought about porn, like an image to go and pmo.
I realised right then what I used porn for...to self soothe.
Tomorrow will be difficult for me, but I wish you all a merry Christmas and hope everyone enjoys the day
I visited my father's grave today and I cried. When i got home I felt alone and down and I had a thought about porn, like an image to go and pmo.
I realised right then what I used porn for...to self soothe.
Tomorrow will be difficult for me, but I wish you all a merry Christmas and hope everyone enjoys the day
searching4good
Active Member
@harpoon I just wanted to say that I've been following your progress these last few months and you've been such an inspiration. Whether you feel it or not, you radiate strength on these forums and are clearly, unequivocally headed in the right direction. And that's just after a few months... imagine where you'll be after a whole year!!
Even though it's Christmas Eve, I need to journal here just for uno momento. I might watch The Martian then
Does Ridley Scott make a bad movie?
Anyway, I was just reflecting on where I am and where I was. I was in the caravan by the beach today on my own, I didn't even bring my phone into the caravan. This was a place where I would go to view porn. I'd grab a coffee in McDonald's (it's always grab a coffee
) the caravan is about a 20min drive and i'd be so excited. I remember I stopped at the side of the road once and started to download three porn vids...the excitement, which video would I watch first? I remember who it was too, I thought she was gorgeous.
I went in to the caravan today and while I hear a little whisper within me it is a very faint whisper, like the rustle of a leaf in the wind (haha I'm only joking there, but it is very faint.)
Anyway it's good to reflect, it keeps me frosty
Does Ridley Scott make a bad movie? Anyway, I was just reflecting on where I am and where I was. I was in the caravan by the beach today on my own, I didn't even bring my phone into the caravan. This was a place where I would go to view porn. I'd grab a coffee in McDonald's (it's always grab a coffee
) the caravan is about a 20min drive and i'd be so excited. I remember I stopped at the side of the road once and started to download three porn vids...the excitement, which video would I watch first? I remember who it was too, I thought she was gorgeous.I went in to the caravan today and while I hear a little whisper within me it is a very faint whisper, like the rustle of a leaf in the wind (haha I'm only joking there, but it is very faint.)
Anyway it's good to reflect, it keeps me frosty
