I dont know what I want really. Its coming up on 4 months rebooting but i know that I can still struggle at times and can feel vulnerable and with so much energy going in to staying clean I am tired.
Do I want a partner? Or do I just want sex? Do I even want sex? Do I just miss porn?
Do I just want the high? Do I want a connection with someone?
Really what I have found is yes, there is a want for that high, a little want in there somewhere wanting that high that only porn can provide. I have also found that the biggest change in me is that yes, I want a partner, but more so I want a connection.I have a massive connection with someone, and we justify meeting each other under the guise that we're friends, when in reality we have an emotional connection, with massive feelings towards one another, on top of being attracted to each other. I would have loved to write a story with her, but I ultimately chose porn and while I did always know there was a connection, I was in a place far far away...we'll call it Fantasy Island. Its brilliant, free entry, every vice you can think of, but you slowly turn in to a jackass
But I'm not the type of guy that will settle for anyone, or go out with someone just to have someone. I've learned I'm an emotional type of guy (maybe we all are, but as men we put on that face and pretend life is wonderful.) I'm very much about the connection and energy and that's something that I've figured out lately.
I'm not happy when there is no connection and I can see why so many relationships have failed. I wasn't present because I knew it wasn't for me but I tried to make things work because I was looking for a connection, if that makes sense.
But yeah I get it, porn filled that void and took away my drive to find a partner and numbed me and I couldn't feel any connection with anyone.
But rather than fill that emptiness with porn now I have learned it doesn't make things better only worse and the only way out is to feel and to be sober, like it or not, it can hurt but it's the only way out.