The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

harpoon

Respected Member
It's funny, after all this time images will flash in my mind for a millisecond, and I can feel a minute dopamine hit. Its not something I engage with, but it does happen. Sometimes.

They are images, of the "scene" that was worth finishing too, or an image on social media that I found stimulating.

That's the truth.

I understand that right now an image would be exciting, then maybe a video tomorrow, then maybe three videos the next day, then the door opens and back to square one for another 5 years and come back here when I'm 50....that's what happens.

But, not today Satan.
 

harpoon

Respected Member
My cravings aren't the same now. I'm not overwhelmed by them, I can walk away and they do go 😀👍

I went for a drive this afternoon and I met my woman friend. We walked, had a coffee and chatted.

She started to get in to what we are to each other or something. She said we are different with each other than we were in the Summer. I said "yeah, we're having a relationship without the intimacy, and we've progressed to be really comfortable around one another."
She agreed.

I said to her "they could write a book about us," of course, without missing a beat she said "who's writing this book?" I said "us."

...so far, so good, so what?
 

harpoon

Respected Member
I dont know why I wrote that yesterday, I guess it was on my mind. Its a shame, it really is. I spent so long hooked on porn I didn't see her right in front of me. She was willing to not get married for me, and then years later was willing to leave her marriage for me and I still wouldn't go.

Now I'm off porn with a clearer mind and getting better everyday, I can see I have missed something massive.

I told her in the early days how I felt- I thought you were so wonderful, and mysterious, and I wished that I was the one going home with you at the end of the night.

She nearly fell over.

I said "there is always one that got away." I meant that from her point of view.
 

harpoon

Respected Member
But I'll talk about how I am with porn addiction a little.

My mood a few nights ago was very low. I've learned to work through it, hold on or whatever you have to do and the last few days I have felt pretty good, and at times great.

I get morning erections every day now, and I feel alive at times. The flatline comes and goes but at the minute i'm good.

What I have found is this - obviously no porn, no nada, no tinder, no fb, no tiktok, no insta, no phone and you will have that dopamine for life.

When I get an urge now I will walk away. When an image pops in my mind I try to just let it float away.

I really truely believe that the first month was the most important. I did not waiver one bit.

I really believe you have to stand toe to toe and not be afraid of it this, just let it go, the ground will not swallow you. I promise you that.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still vulnerable but it's OK.

I think six months is an awesome challenge and i believe at that point I could be free.
 
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Beautiful1973

Active Member
Hey Paul,
I was thinking about you this afternoon.
It was a stinking hot day here 30+ degrees, so on my home from a festival I stopped at a beach stripped down to my underwear and jumped in the ocean…… see I told you I wanted to be like you when I grew up🤣…… but on a serious note, you inspire me🥰 keep pushing fella.
 

harpoon

Respected Member
Hey Paul,
I was thinking about you this afternoon.
It was a stinking hot day here 30+ degrees, so on my home from a festival I stopped at a beach stripped down to my underwear and jumped in the ocean…… see I told you I wanted to be like you when I grew up🤣…… but on a serious note, you inspire me🥰 keep pushing fella.

Hopefully it wasn't the "stinking" part than made you think of me 🤣🤣

Festival! 30 degrees 🤩 living the dream 🤟

I will always keep pushing and I'm glad to be a teeny weeny inspiration, you made my morning ☺👍
 

harpoon

Respected Member
Something has changed the last few days, I feel alive again. My head is no longer empty, I can laugh and my personality has returned.
I dont think its a coincidence that when I dropped all social media I started to feel good again.

What I have realised is that I can't go to social media and look, its the same mechanism and it keeps those neural pathways firing.

Being with someone is completely different, and being with someone you desire is another level.

Porn for me was a self soothing internalised drug addiction, nothing more.

That fact alone has changed my perspective on this for life.
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
I felt great today 🙂 I went for a great run. I made up a run from the lowest point in a park to the highest point of a mountain across the road from the park - 5km uphill! I love setting myself these challenges 😀

After the run I changed and went to a burger place, no big deal right. I sat down and was eating my burger, laid back in the chair and I realised I had no anxiety, none! I use to have so much anxiety and thoughts in my head, I just enjoyed the peace 🙂

I visited my sister and her husband and we had a good laugh talking about our Dad x 🙂

Today was good and I'll leave it at that 🙂
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
I had a great morning. I ran a local 5mile race and had fun chatting with ppl before ab after the race.

After that I headed over to my friends house, they're a husband and wife best friend combo 🤣 luckily they were about to have a late irish breakfast so I was fed 😀

I had a long chat with them, about addiction and how well I am doing. They really are great friends.

Fast forward to the night...I have urges. After a great run and an awesome buzz, there is a drop in mood and thats where the urges come in....I think.

But I know what I do today will affect tomorrow, and I want a better tomorrow.
 

harpoon

Respected Member
I dont know what I want really. Its coming up on 4 months rebooting but i know that I can still struggle at times and can feel vulnerable and with so much energy going in to staying clean I am tired.

Do I want a partner? Or do I just want sex? Do I even want sex? Do I just miss porn?
Do I just want the high? Do I want a connection with someone?

Really what I have found is yes, there is a want for that high, a little want in there somewhere wanting that high that only porn can provide. I have also found that the biggest change in me is that yes, I want a partner, but more so I want a connection.I have a massive connection with someone, and we justify meeting each other under the guise that we're friends, when in reality we have an emotional connection, with massive feelings towards one another, on top of being attracted to each other. I would have loved to write a story with her, but I ultimately chose porn and while I did always know there was a connection, I was in a place far far away...we'll call it Fantasy Island. Its brilliant, free entry, every vice you can think of, but you slowly turn in to a jackass 🤣

But I'm not the type of guy that will settle for anyone, or go out with someone just to have someone. I've learned I'm an emotional type of guy (maybe we all are, but as men we put on that face and pretend life is wonderful.) I'm very much about the connection and energy and that's something that I've figured out lately.

I'm not happy when there is no connection and I can see why so many relationships have failed. I wasn't present because I knew it wasn't for me but I tried to make things work because I was looking for a connection, if that makes sense.

But yeah I get it, porn filled that void and took away my drive to find a partner and numbed me and I couldn't feel any connection with anyone.

But rather than fill that emptiness with porn now I have learned it doesn't make things better only worse and the only way out is to feel and to be sober, like it or not, it can hurt but it's the only way out.
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
Today is one of those days. This emptiness feeling is horrible, and this constant craving is well making me uneasy.

I had a meeting this morning, fixed my sisters tumble dryer (belt was ripped) in the afternoon, then drove to the beach and cleaned the inside of my car. I lifted weights, ordered a take out, and will watch a movie. Sounds pretty good...well not today 😔
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
Another thing I have learned is that while it may not feel like those cravings and thoughts will pass, i now know they do and sometimes you have no choice but to just hold on.

What I can see is that when I get a flashback of porn (there are not too many to be honest and they are weak) but when I do, most of the time they will be of the last scenes, or woman than I was watching.

I can be triggered at a certain place to a certain scene, for example, at the mobile home yesterday I went to the bathroom, and a specific scene and actress popped in to my mind as I was taking a leak because I went there many times to watch that one scene.

Maybe I should have left the mobile home but I stayed and cleaned my car outside while feeling uneasy but I did know that I wouldn't give in.

On a different note. I was at home last night looking for some glue, I tried my Dads chest of drawers 😔 the drawer was full of his belongings, which I didn't know. His old cap, his favorite gardening snips, scout medals and amongst all that his childhood Teddy bear 🧸 (I won't lie, after looking in that drawer what cravings I had dropped off the face of this planet) I put the teddy bear on my Dads bed and left.

But I have realised that I have never let my Dad passing away be a reason to watch porn, to self soothe and mask that pain. I guess that pain is in a way love and apart from the memories and photos, that's I all have left of him, how I feel.
 
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harpoon

Respected Member
Here's the thing... I am a very different pereon off porn. Over the last week despite cravings, despite ups and downs, I have been reacquainted with an old friend, my personality.

My basic understanding of rebooting from Trish leigh is this -

Stage 1 - give up 90 days

Stage 2 - Rewiring, and so many benefits Requires 100% commitment to get to Stage 3

Stage 3 - 1 -3 years to completely recover Hello True Self (well as much as you can)

However, Stage 2 can last a lifetime and you will never get to Stage 3 unless 100% commitment. I am at the end of Stage 2. I have fleeting moments of my true self, more and more lately, however to be that version of me the old must go completely and that my friends is the hardest part.

I'd sooner have a sparkle in my eye.

"Her eyes they shone like diamonds 💎 💎
 
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