One more shot at hope

Should I avoid orgasm with my GF?


  • Total voters
    9

letsreebot

Member
Hey everyone. First time here, looking for an accountability partner still. Here goes my story:

I'm 22, started watching internet porn/masturbating at I guess 10, perhaps 9 or even less. Started right away with soft internet porn (seen a playboy once before, I don't really count it) in the erotic section of some flash games site. It escalated slowly as I begun to browse Yahoo videos for some short strip tease and 'clothes on' sex videos, looking for naked girl pics in google images, that sort of thing. As I used to spent much time home alone, with access to cable TV and a computer, I started watching porn on pay per view. I think that was the first big twist, first time I watched a long and truely explicit sex scene.

From there, I eventually discovered how to download porn. At that point, I was already masturbating several times a day, at least 3 every single day by age 11/12, with no control. Of course, things just got worse as I engaged in """real porn""". Even worse when I found out I didn't need to download, just play it online. At the same time, for some reason, I begun at 13 years old browsing gorish websites, stated as "bizarre" content. In those sites there were posts about fetiches, mutilation, murder, torture, and in some rare cases I masturbated to it.

Another big twist was the day I learned "edging" would make orgasm better (I was probably 13/14). From that day on, I did multi-tabing and edging daily. Same age (14) I started taking meds for depression, same age I started drinking heavily, smoking cigarettes, tried pot, got agressive towords everyone. Not long after I was already severely desensitized. Couldn't masturbate only imagining real girls from class anymore, and became very picky to the videos I liked watcing. Hardcore porn was my one and only choice. Sadly, even zoophilia aroused me by then, or anything that was truely degrading. Soon enough I hadn't spontaneous bonners, or any at all without the aid of porn. Finally, at 19, porn just didn't make me hard anymore, nothing did. That was accually the first time I realised something was off, even though I never liked any real sexual experience before, even though I never before even felt horny making out with women.

Shortly after becoming totally dysfunctional, I discovered "the great porn experiment" Ted talk by Gary Wilson. Browsed "your brain on porn", read as much as I could. That was a game changer. I stayed 100% porn free for a year or so, but kept masturbating (much less, and only after a period of abstinence). Things were really going well, for the very first time I felt truely horny with a real woman, and had pleasure making sex (and oh boy, how much better that felt than staring a computer). This first year (2017-2018) was sort of easy becouse I wasn't any responsive to porn, was taking my meds right, exercising, stoped drinking, but was compulsevely smoking weed. Thought my brain had lost interest for it. But well, if it had worked out I wouldn't be here.

Relapses happened, and I never really succesfully stopped again. When I started dating my current girlfriend (end of 2018), I meneged to keep pornless and without masturbation for some months, sex was gradually getting better. Until this one day, in witch we made sex and it was accually the best I ever had, just as good as porn. That clicked something in me, like a switch. From that day on, I never succeeded to free myself again from this cursed chain.

Now, here  I am. Can't find having sex pleasurable once more and been having erectile issues again. I'm not doing that much exercise, thinking of suicide nonstop, keeping on facebook all day laying in bed. Decided it was time once more to take this seriously, and came here for some support. Downloaded a day counter app, will start to make this journal daily. Let's get to it, HERE IT GOES:

DAY 0

(English is not my mother language, feel encouraged to correct me) 
 
Hi letsteebot,
English isn't my native language either so i won't be correcting anything for sure :p
Our stories are not that different. You made way longer reboot than me at first but did fall like me after you got that sweet overwhelming libido back. Now it is really tough to get that old good motivation again and shut this horrible door of porn out of your life.  I am currently at day 6, not commited to hard mode but getting simply porn out of my life.  Writing your own journal while reading others as well is a great help. Keep going, it will gonna be better again.  I am facing really bad urges this time and every single trigger can decide tue outcome of my journey thats why i am really careful now. Start the meditations, they are a powerful weapon.  I am looking forward to see your progress!
 

letsreebot

Member
Mybrainneedsreboot said:
"overwhelming libido back (...) Start the meditations, they are a powerful weapon"

100% with you there, nice selection of words. Got back on meditating yesterday, I'm into it. You say you're not in hard mode this time, but think through this side of the spectrum: In the middle of a quarantine and social distancing, without a routine outside home, dopamine sources are more scarce. If we manage to push bigger Streaks now, even while masturbating, perhaps it will be easier not to once this all passes.
 

letsreebot

Member
DAY 2

I'm very motivated now, think this time I'll get a long streak again. However, there's something I learned from my alcoholic father in recovery, a saying from Alcoholics Anonymous: Just for today. I addmit, a 1,2,3 years streak or the rest of my life abstemic sounds overwhelming to me. But, when a year sounds too much, focus on that one week. If cravings are so bad that 1 week seems just unreachable, focus on that one day, and tell yourself "just for today I won't use it". I like to think we are young, and have the hole rest of our lifes to use porn if we fail or can't hold anymore, so what's a day in perspective to that? Besides, every wall is made one brick at a time. I don't see the point in worrying not being able to get through a year, or about breaking a streak by relapsing tomorrow, if there won't be any streak at all in case I relapse today.

To get myself busy, I took the task to translate porn addiction educational material for portuguese. Even though there are subtitles for Gary Wilson's lectures, I miss something narrated and written portuguese. It seems that in Brazil the debate around porn addiction or PIED is just not that relevant compared to the rest of the world who speaks english. There's a lot of work ahead, yesterday I worked two hours and only got 5 minutes done. But, Just for today, I will once more give it some work. Before I notice it will be done, and I'll be there to enjoy that earned squirt of dopamine.

WE CAN DO IT
 
I

Icandoit

Guest
It probably depends on you. In my case, after an orgasm, I enter a flatline period where I feel like shit. It's probably a sign that I've fucked up my brain enough and maybe I should give it a longer rest.
 

Sanders

Active Member
Hey,

The question regarding orgasm really depends. I found out for myself that I wanted every intimate act with my wife to end up in sex. If it didn't happen I could always go to porn for that. Orgasms are great but they shouldn't neccesarily be the 'goal' of sex. The goal is to become closer together, share your love, make each other feel great. Try sometimes to just let go of the orgasm, but enjoy the moment. At least that's what I'm trying now. Caused blue balls but it's worth it.

Nice that you've been working to translate content to Portuguese! All the help is welcome across the world I guess :) As long as porn is "just something harmless that all the guys do" (as quoted by a therapist who I've quit since then) nothing much will change in this world. The more knowledge the more power :)

Good luck in the coming days, with the right mindset I'm sure you can do it!
 

letsreebot

Member
Day 3

So far, so good. No urges, cravings or anything close to relapse. Think I'm entering flat line though, since today I didn't have MW and it was happening some days in a row. Biggest trigger to me is my relationship with my smartphone: I'm always in it, two clicks away from watching porn (downloaded porn blcokers, don't know if they work and won't enter porn sites to find out), always browsing facebook eventually bumping into girl pics which clicks me a bit (even though there's mostly political content on my feed). Now that I'm everyday writing about my porn issues I took the step of not taking it to the bathroom, where most of my relapses occur. Also been getting myself busy, putting it aside and focusing on reading, studying, exercising etc.

Feel specially motivated now that I made some middle term plans. I want to move no New Zealand when I finish college, and I won't be able to do so if I keep layed down all day being sory for life becouse of porn.

Sanders said:
I found out for myself that I wanted every intimate act with my wife to end up in sex. If it didn't happen I could always go to porn for that. Orgasms are great but they shouldn't neccesarily be the 'goal' of sex. The goal is to become closer together, share your love, make each other feel great. Try sometimes to just let go of the orgasm, but enjoy the moment.

Valuable piece of advice. Just this moment I was thinking about it, when me and my GF were cuddling and caressing. It felt good regardless of oragsming or even having sex in this initial moment of reboot. Enjoying the moment, as you said.
 

squid

Well-Known Member
Thanks for your journal, I was getting off track but reading a bit gave me the time I needed to make better decisions.
 

letsreebot

Member
Current streak: Day 4 (wihout PMO)

Still motivated. Didn't wake late, did some house chores, did pet my dog, everything set for some study once I finish today's journal and progressing on calesthenics, looking forward to work out today. I was happy in the morning when I woke to find one beatiful MW, guess i'm not back to square one like in 2017. At some point I wanted to masturbate, but very lightly and it passed quickly.

So, I was rolling the facebook feed and noticed something: posts on anti-porn pages are a trigger to me. That is becouse sometimes they put blured images from violent porn clips that I used to watch. More over, they post porn stars reports discribeing in detail the degrading situations they've passed through - the same I'm used to jerking off to. Therefore, even though I want to be present on the debate over how porn industry is harmful, I'm gonna unfollow this pages becouse recovery comes first.

Till tomorow.



 

letsreebot

Member
Current streak: Day 5 (wihout PMO)

Good day. Woke early, another glorious MW this morning. Feeling my libido timidly returning, but it's still less than mediocre. Today was easy becouse I was with my GF's family all day, it's her mother's birthday. No big thoughts or Insights.

Till tomorow
 

Sanders

Active Member
Hey man,

Being busy and distracted away from porn is great. You notice that other things might be more powerful and meaningful than jacking off in front of a screen. Some days feel like you haven't gained much of an insight or anyhting but realise that every day away from porn is a good day. The more time away from porn, the more the connections and urges in your brains will weaken.

Stay strong!
 

letsreebot

Member
Current streak: Day 6 (wihout PMO)

6 days being energized and motivated, and not only towords quitting porn. Don't remember last time I felt this way for so long, in fact one day before starting this journal I was talking to my GF about breaking up. Reason? I didn't want her to find me hanging by the neck around the house some morning. In my head, I thought it was a gesture of bravery, thought this way it would be less painful to her once I died, and even if it was not to happen, I told her she could find a happy person to share life. Pretty good exemple of my emotional illness. Now I have so many plans that I've got to be coutious, can't do everything at the same time and can't do everything period. Gotta take a step where my foot can reach, I'm in a recovery process, can't afford to feel frustrated about something that is secondary. So, focusing on main goals is key, and in the moment those for me are:

  • First things first: keeping away from porn, which includes coming here and writing my journal.
  • Waking up early: gives me a sense of routine, and if I convince myself o get off bed is becouse there's something I want to acheive outside of it
  • Keep exercising: some good dose of daily dopamine and opioids.

Those are my number one priorities right now. Of course, I want to eat better, write a book, study 4 hours a day, play video games, read all unread books on the shelf, watch the news, watch series, stop smoking cigarettes, make art, create a youtube channel... But it's newtons first law: an object will remain at rest unless compelled to change. I was at rest, and by trying to make it all at the same time and so fast I will brun out all my "fuel" seeking full speed. Not only I won't acheive it, but also feel frustrated for not completing anything. And that's what mostly sets me back.

Good day anyway, as anyday pornless is already a better one than what could have been.
 

letsreebot

Member
Current streak: Day 7 (wihout PMO)

First week done ? no real challange, the hardest phases are yet to come.

Stay strong away from porn.
 

letsreebot

Member
Current streak: Day 8 (wihout PM)
Day 1 without orgasm

Had sex yesterday night with my girlfriend. Wasn't expecting anything, just chilling. After sometime making out, got aroused and we had sex. No fireworks, but it was accually pretty good. Guess It would be better to avoid orgasming, but Its rewiring after all and I'm still away from porn.

Till tomorow
 

letsreebot

Member
Current streak: Day 9 (wihout PM)
Day 2 without orgasm

Things were kinda slow today. Didn't set an alarm to wake up early, didn't read anything, haven't exercised... Worked a bit in the translation project, but kept on netflix the rest of the day. Anyway, feel a little down, but with hope that tomorrow will be better.

Till tomorrow.
 

letsreebot

Member
Current streak: Day 10 (wihout PM)
Day 3 without orgasming

Another slow day, but not a bad one. Advanced a bit in the translation poject, Worked out just now, walked the dog (we climb 3 or 4 times this big set of stairs in some hill near my house) and now that I've bathed I feel good. Truely like this sensation of being tired from the exercise and clean, ready to sleep and start another day. I think the exercise is the biggest aid at the moment.

Sometimes I get myself thinking that I want other women that not my GF, that in the future I'll cheat on her or pay prostitutes. But in reallity, if there was a naked woman in front of me right now I probably would not enjoy having sex. Guess this thought is not an original idea, but a symptom from addiction. And my brain thinks he wants other parterns, but he accually "learned" with porn that I used to have many sex mates and he wants it back. This will fade along the reboot, as has occurred before when I felt 100% satisfacted just with her.

Till tomorow
 
I

Icandoit

Guest
Yes, of course, porn means seeing a lot of different girls and the novelty kicks in, that's probably why you're thinking you want other girls. I don't think I would be able to feel anything with a girl right now either. I need more time.
 

letsreebot

Member
Current Streak: Day 11 (without PM)
Day 0 without orgasm

Had sex again, and it was really good. My erection wasn't the ideal yet, but we could enjoy each other and that's what counts. Perhaps for ED it would be better to stay a longer streak without orgasm, but I'm not in a hurry anyway. Good day I had today. Woke 6 AM, read a chapter of a book, studied, worked on that translation project, walked the dog... But most important: [size=12pt]Kept away from my phone the hole day.[/size] Turned it off and hid it in a drawer. Intend to do this tomorrow and the day after that.

Icandoit said:
I don't think I would be able to feel anything with a girl right now either. I need more time.

The only medication for our problem is time indeed. But even though it seems too long now, recovery will seem ephemeral once we get better. Stay stong.
 
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