My Journey

EDIT: 6/9/20: This is my journey. Originally, it was a six-page rant about my addiction and life, but I've decided to remove the long post, but there are shorter progress updates down below.

The short story is that I first saw porn when I was 11, and hardcore porn when I was 12. Since then, porn has been a problem for me.
I have had two streaks of no PMO: 33 days and 51 days, as of 29 March 2021.
 

kierv

Member
Interesting reading.

Today I asked myself: why can't I stop watching porn? The answer? "Where else will I see all the beautiful girls?".
Yeah, I guess that people might use this angle to explain themselves the power of porn. I feel lonely too as I never had a real girlfriend (you can read more about me in my journal as my situation is more complex), but porn was never my escape from loneliness. I always knew it exists just to fill your desires. There are pretty girl for sure, but I think I was always searching for the lust, not the beauty. Never had that illusion and believed that I need to unload my sexual tension. Simultaneously, I wish I had led a normal private life. And that's another illusion. Over the time I realized that despite the fact I can easily eandear particular girls I cannot feel any desire towards them. And it makes me confused. I tend to explain this that there is still the one waiting for me, but more likely the ones I really like are around, but because of porn I cannot see/feel it.

The word "amateur" also implies that everybody is having sex and since having sex is normal, watching porn is normal, too.
That's tricky, I agree. Each explanation is wrong. Something similar happened to me. At first, I thought it's no such a harm to watch all that super-fake videos from Brazzers-alike as it's professional, so no one is hurt and besides you can easily notice there are lots of jokes, stupid comedian scenes etc. So it's very, very entertaining.... Then I changed my mind, because normal girls without perfect shapes and big boobs couldn't hype me up, and I went into "amateur", but you cannot avoid looking for a very specific kind of amateursif you are well-experienced in this worlds...

Saying this, I don't feel any special sympathy towards porn industry (or rather its members, actors etc...). This is not an extra factor which motivates me to abandon porn. There are people, just like us. They choose their own ways. Some have fun,some regret it. That's all.

It's very personal and conscious account. It looks like you're mentally ready to face this challange. Good luck :)

What kind of disability do you have if I may know?



 
Thanks for reading. As I mentioned in the text, this is not my first attempt at getting clean. Two years ago I had some health problems and I managed to be porn-free for a month and a half, and I don't remember having any strong urges. I've tried to get clean before that, but was not able to abstain from porn for long enough. Every time I get health problems, I promise to get clean. But this time is different, because I can see the bigger picture. [Sentence removed by owner of account]

I'll be sure to check your journal.
 
I haven't MO'd for a month, but I've watched porn. I've also watched a lot of documantaries about porn recently. It's been educative, but it's also very close to watching porn, because of the topics. I've also visited porn websites because the blocker I use to block porn requires you to block sites one by one and has a limit of 1000 sites. If you're interested in what program I use, drop me a line in the PMs, because the it's a paid software and my intention is not to advertise it. What I can say is it is very versatile and has worked well for me (besides the add-websites-by-hand-thing).

The main thing is I really want to find myself a girlfriend. Also, what do you think of this: I've decided not to have sex with my hypothetical GF, since having sex is problematic for me for health reasons other than PIED, so I've decided I'll only satisfy my girlfriend with toys (sorry for the graphic imagery). I think I'll drop by at the womens' portal and ask what they think about abstaining from sex with your girlfriend.

Well, I think this is all for now. Hope whoever is reading this is doing well, stay strong!

PS. This is going to reveal more about me than I'd like but I figured it might be important for other rebooters. Some years ago, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. But instead of being very bipolar, I mainly had manic episodes. I was admitted into treatment for a while. There, when they were checking on my progress, one question they asked was "How would you describe the level of your sexual desire and have there been any changes?". You see, when you're manic you have a very strong libido. Another thing is that you don't sleep a lot because you have a false sense of energy (when in fact you are just - without realizing it - driving yourself to stay awake and do stuff).

If you have mood swings and strong sexual desires and urges, I suggest you talk about it with your doctor. They will ask you if you have had depression and strong feelings of exhilaration and happiness (for no obvious reason) and feeling of megalomania or omnipotence among other things. This will allow them to diagnose you, if need be. Beginning a medication will reduce your urges. Ask your docotor to reduce the medication as soon as you feel better, because eating many different meds is probably not good for you. For example, I could not get an erection. At the moment, I'm on a minimal dosage of one pill and it does not affect my erection.
 
Been completely porn-free for six days now. I've been reminding myself that every day that I don't watch porn means I'm in control. I've also asked myself: "Do I want to make myself horny? Because from there it's going to only be a downward spiral. And I don't want that, do I?". I've also noticed the extent to which I'm hooked to instant gratification, porn being that gratification for me. I've been studying hard these 6 days and I've had to remind myself that 1) I will get my reward in the end and 2) I should be grateful for the opportunity to study, not everyone gets that chance.

I have two big goals: to finish my studies and to get a girlfriend. So that's what I'm working toward. Keeping my eyes on the prize.

Over and out.
 
Time for an update.

Right after writing my last post, I relapsed. Or should I say I chose to relapse. Perhaps it was both - accidental and done on purpose. Anyhow, I began again. Yesterday saw the completion of day 14 of me not having viewed porn. I have been MO free for 2.5 months and do not find it difficult. When it comes to vieweing porn, yesterday I understood that I have shown enough determination to make it so if I wanted to view porn, I couldn't call it accidental any more. I know the reason why I have not succumbed to watching porn these 14 days is because I've been busy. I also do not have a mobile broadband subscription, so that is one tempation less. I also turn off wifi every time I go to bed so that's one more safeguard. When the time comes that I will be blessed (in a completely unreligious meaning of the word) with a girlfriend, I will also begin using Accountable2You, which is a phone app. It will alert the other person every time you look up "suspicious content", in our case, porn.

I've also been saying to myself: "Every time I say no to porn means I'm in control" and "Every day I do not watch porn, I will become less and less dependant of it". The first of these sentences is especially empowering. No, wait, there's another thing: I look in the mirror and smile at me, knowing I'm clean. Before I couldn't smile at myself, because I felt like a miserable, wanking loser. Some person Reboot Nation wrote that he had the courage to approach girls after being free from porn for about two weeks. Maybe I'm experiencing something of that sort. Be as that may, it feels great.

Over and out.
 
I'm writing again because I'm currently alone and I'm having some urges.

The urges are strong. Or if not strong than they are persistent. Yeah, that's more descriptive. The want is there and I can't negotiate with it. The urge wants to have its way. So the only way of dealing with it is thinking what it is that I want and that's what I've done. The thing I want is sex, obviously. But the urge is telling me to look at a screen. That doesn't make any sense at all!

I read on this forum some years ago that watching porn is like wanting a hamburger. You look at the hamburger, instead of going out and getting it and eating it. And it's a very good analogy. Here's mine, based on it: you're hungry. Instead of going to the fridge, you go on the internet, and look up images and videos of food. You feel the urge to eat, but instead of doing that, you binge on images and videos. Eventually, perhaps, you die of malnourishment. Now it's obvious that looking up videos of food and cooking is crazy when in reality you are hungry! But that's what we, or at least I, am doing. I want sex but instead of having it, the urge is telling me to stare at a screen! But then comes the counterargument: I won't get the chance to have sex! Let's look at that.

I've come to realize that I watch porn because I have a low self-esteem, which means I'm intimidated by a real relationship. And I don't know what it means to be a friend to someone. But I've realized that that can be learned. Another more important point is that I've come to realize that if I want to have a realationship, I've got to be worth it. I don't mean that I'm worthless, what I mean is that I've got to grow as a human being. By growing I meant that I got to get my university degree and have to study hard. I've never studied very hard but now that it's time to get my degree, I've started to study harder, I've begun working for what I want to achieve. And that means I'm on my way I guess.

And this "working for what I want to achieve" is something that I must do to get myself a relationship. It won't be easy, particularly as I've gotten used to an easy life. But the reality is that life is not meant to be easy. Not that it has to be hard, but everyone must work for their goals and this is something that I've come to realize only recently. Better late than never, I guess.

My goal is to be O free for at least for 7 months, after which time I will get my first degree. After I've got my degree I've promised myself to start looking for a girlfriend. Of course I mean to stay PM free for the rest of my life. I know that in theory relapses are possible since I'm on day 15. I think the two biggest reasons for relapsing for me would be that I crave instant gratification and because I feel lonely. The instant gratification loop can be broken and I know I won't stay lonely, no matter how long finding a girlfriend will take. Talking about a girlfriend and being lonely, I've come to realize that I don't necessarily want sex, at this point, being alone, I just want to cuddle. Sex is just something that can follow that. Of course there could be days when I only wanted sex, too. But I don't think myself a sex maniac, even though I'm a recovering porn addict.

Well, I think this is all for now.
 
Yesterday marked day 31 of no porn. I have been MO free for 4 months soon. Nothing else to report, really. Another update to follow in a month. Maybe.

EDIT: I've had very few urges during these days, possibly because I've kept busy. I've also seen some provocative pictures, that is, the viewing has been unintentional, and I have not had any urges. No, wait, I tell a lie: I was using my tablet and saw I had favorited a porn site on the tablet's pre-installed, little-used browser. It was the site of a porn star. I remember that I had to make a conscious decision that I will not open the website. Other than that, I have seen provocative content, as I said above, but I it has been only for a few seconds and it has not turned me on. What's more, I don't get that feeling of losing control that I used to get when I still watched porn. Even the slightest sexual hint would lead to me turning to hard-core porn. Not always, but most of the times. So this feeling that I'm not easily provoked into watching porn feels great. Something which has helped me reach this point is the fact that I do not have a mobile broadband subscription. This is crucial to my succeeding, and turning off my wifi router every night I go to sleep has become a ritual of sorts. Because I know that once I press the button to turn off the router, I'm safe.

I initially thought this would be a short update, but there you go.
 

zander13

Well-Known Member
starting over takes a lot of courage. don't disappear from this journal. it's a huge tool that will keep you accountable to yourself. it's good to expunge your thoughts and feelings so that they don't infect your mind for too long.

i've started over hundreds of times, and that's the point, i guess. not giving up, because there really isn't another option. most people are here, at this website, because they realized that life isn't manageable with porn in it. it (life) will never be what it could be when porn is in the picture.

sometimes shit has to get real bad before things are taken as seriously as they should. this is one of those things that needs to be taken very, very seriously.
 
Thanks for the encouragement, zander.

33 days is the longest I've been without porn. And in addition to that, I was MO free for over 3 months. I had some health problems that masturbation made worse, but since it resolved I sort of thought "Why not masturbate, it won't hurt". From there it went to watching porn. And I also deviated from my habit of turning off my wifi router just once, which again lead to watching porn. My phone also has an app to disable all functions for two hours. I could have used that, but I didn't. But it's a good panic button when the urges get strong. Someone's motto on this forum was "It's not giving up porn that is hard. What's hard is accepting that you have given it up for good" or something along those lines. It really hit home, because when you quit it, you just can't go back. Porn has been the only joy of my life. It's the only thing that's always been there for me. I know I need to grow as a person, become more self-confident but sometimes it feels like it's taking an eternity. When I was PMO free, I did have that small boost of confidence, I could look myself in the eye without thinking "You miserable wanker". I want that feeling back.

My goals:

- Morning wood
- Being able to get and maintain an erection without porn 
 
Progress so far

longest streak of no PMO: 7 days
shortest streak of no PMO: 2 days
now: will soon reach day 2

Random quote from a song that fits my (and I think all of our) situation well: 

I've been looking so long at these pictures of you
That I almost believe that they're real
I've been living so long with my pictures of you
That I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel
 
Today is day 15 of no porn. During some of these days, I have looked at porn but have not masturbated. So things are going rather great. I think the hardest part is getting past three days, but I've managed to do that and everything's looking good. Next update will be day 20, then day 30. I've got a 33 day streak to beat, but I'm positive that I will beat my record.
 
This is technically day 19, but not much anymore until 20.

Things have gone rather smoothly. To be completely honest, this is day 20 of no orgasm. Yes, I have been looking at porn, but this is my reboot, so I'll let it slide. I know it's a slippery slope, but so far I have not slid off the track and I do intend to completely ditch porn. I'm not telling you to half-ass your reboots, I'm just being hoest.

I watched the video by Gabe and he told that the main mistake we make is just fight the addiction, without actually building the life that we want to have. And it's in this department that I've been kind of slacking off. I'm doing school stuff, and the assignments seem endless, but in fact I am not far from achieving an important mid-goal. Just gotta keep chipping at it and all that.

I have been thinking that I need to put my life in order. I don't mean porn, I mean my actual life. And I've recognized that there are many things that aren't the way they should be, I'm talking about my emotional well-being. The way I interact with other people. The thoughts I think. I've come to realize that I tend to go to porn when life gets difficult. But recently I've been journaling, and I hope it helps. I've been thinking about starting to go to therapy. There is no one else for me to talk about my life plus I do not want to burden my near and dear ones. In theory, I should be able to figure out all the stuff on my own, and maybe I will. Therapists are not God-sent, they are human beings. But maybe they could help, I don't know. There's the thing that I don't want people to find out I'm going to therapy and my life is such that they inevitably will find out.

I've also been thinking about what it is that I should achieve after a successful reboot. Most of the answers are that you should become a sex machine with the ability to have sex literally all night, and having unbelieveable "stamina". I find this interesting, to say the least. Me, I personally just wish to be able to achieve an erection with a normal flesh and blood female, without having to feel that I need to be able to have sex until we both hurt. Well, okay, I exaggerated a lot; these are just some thoughts going through my head.

Over and out. Talk to you on day 30.
 
Couldn't help writing. Day 25 is done, this one will be day 26.

I also have good news. I wanted to try if I was able to achieve an erection just by thought. And I was. I had a solid, strong erection without even touching. I pulled up my foreskin, and and I think that kind of acted as a cock ring (my foreskin is not tight or anything like that) and made the erection stronger. Sorry for the details. But I haven't had such a strong erection before. Let's get one thing right, however. I was standing up. Now Gabe has claimed that those with PIED lose the erection while they stand up. But that's not entirely true. When you stand up, you have a stronger erection, because blood is pulled into your penis by the gravity. At least that is the case for me. My penis doesn't curve upward, when I have an erection, it's pointing down. Maybe that's why. But the erection was strong, stronger than any I've had before.

Okay, now it's time to leave you alone with all those mental images. You're welcome.  ;D

 
This is day 31.

I tried whether I can get an erection - I could. I was sitting in my chair and I've noticed that when I sit in a chair, I have a particularly strong erection. I'm sure it has to do with my body pushing blood into my cock. I went into my bed and tried getting an erection - all it took was to imagine things of sexual nature and boom, there it was. The erection wasn't as strong, but it was still pretty strong. I stood up and voila, in comes gravity and my cock is full of blood to the point I feel like bursting. So I know that whenever the day comes that I'm going to have sex, it's going to be standing up.

But my point is that I could get an erection without touching myself. That's rather good, I think. And I'm on day 31. Can't wait to see the results when I'm on day 60. Besides, having these strong erections has really done wonders to my sexual self-esteem. I've also started to shave my pubic hair, because I think it looks nicer. I haven't shaved off everything, that doesn't look good. The reason I'm doing it is it makes me feel more confident in myself - I want to look good below the belt when the day comes for me to have sex. And that has helped my self-esteem as well - I know I don't look like some dirty, unkempt old man.

See you on day 35. (I've decided to write a journal entry every fifth day)
 
Guys, I have good news: today is day 36. Which means that I have beat my old streak of 33 days. Woohoo!
I'm not going to analyse my current situation, I have already said everything I wanted to. I don't want to jinx it by blabbering.

See you on day 40. Best of luck to you all!
 
Good news, everyone! (Get it?) Today is day 40!

It doesn't feel that special, in fact it doesn't feel special at all. It means I have survived another five days. To be honest, I watched some porn (a few minutes) on Monday and yesterday, on Thursday. Yesterday I almost relapsed (almost masturbated). But I was able to stop myself. I don't want to lose the streak. At this point, my streak is asserting pressure on me: I don't want to go back to day 1. So it is just as much about clocking more days than it's about not relapsing.

I don't know what else to say. I thought I had something else important to say, but I can't think of anything. Oh yeah, right. Although I have looked at porn, I don't have continuous craving any more. I can go to sleep without looking at porn on my phone.

Okay...see you on day 45. Stay strong, everyone! You can do it!
 
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