StrongAndFree
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Yeah, I guess that people might use this angle to explain themselves the power of porn. I feel lonely too as I never had a real girlfriend (you can read more about me in my journal as my situation is more complex), but porn was never my escape from loneliness. I always knew it exists just to fill your desires. There are pretty girl for sure, but I think I was always searching for the lust, not the beauty. Never had that illusion and believed that I need to unload my sexual tension. Simultaneously, I wish I had led a normal private life. And that's another illusion. Over the time I realized that despite the fact I can easily eandear particular girls I cannot feel any desire towards them. And it makes me confused. I tend to explain this that there is still the one waiting for me, but more likely the ones I really like are around, but because of porn I cannot see/feel it.Today I asked myself: why can't I stop watching porn? The answer? "Where else will I see all the beautiful girls?".
That's tricky, I agree. Each explanation is wrong. Something similar happened to me. At first, I thought it's no such a harm to watch all that super-fake videos from Brazzers-alike as it's professional, so no one is hurt and besides you can easily notice there are lots of jokes, stupid comedian scenes etc. So it's very, very entertaining.... Then I changed my mind, because normal girls without perfect shapes and big boobs couldn't hype me up, and I went into "amateur", but you cannot avoid looking for a very specific kind of amateursif you are well-experienced in this worlds...The word "amateur" also implies that everybody is having sex and since having sex is normal, watching porn is normal, too.
Hey dude,Thanks for reading! I have been quite productive for these couple of days, I got to-do list app and now I know what I'm supposed to do every day and every hour. That has given me some self confidence and belief in me that my life is in my own hands. Porn addiction is just one part of my problems and I'm glad I'm on the way to solving some other problems that I've had. So yeah, I should probably take a holistic approach to things. Porn addiction is just a symptom of a s*itty life, but it's in my power to change things.
When it comes to finding a girlfriend, I think I should approach that question as a project as well. I should improve myself, try creating value for my future girlfriend. It sounds weird, I know, but the other way of putting this is: become an interesting person that other people and girls want to hang around with. I'm already learning a new language so that is one of my USPs (Unique Selling Points), LOL. But yeah, that's how I'm hoping to 'lure love in'.
PS
By the way, I'm going on day 9, so I would have made a journal entry tomorrow anyway. You're doing very well yourself, half a year is amazing! Keep going, you can do it. It'll be worth it. By the way, how are your erections, do you have morning wood? When I was on day 51, I had reasonably hard erections without watching porn or touching my penis, but no MW. Because I started masturbating to porn at the age of 11-12, I've actually never experienced morning wood (that's kind of sad).
Yesterday was day 30, but tomorrow will be day 1 (yes, day one and not day 0 because I didn't O to porn).
The reason I'm resetting is I edged to porn today, and I can't let it slide. But I don't really have any strategies for avoiding another relapse, though. I'm home alone and working on the computer, so the only thing I can think of is sheer fricking willpower. Frick this crap...I wanted to complete this reboot before (or rather if) I try to find a person to share my (boring) life with, I don't want to burned anyone with my porn usage and PIED. On the other hand, when you have a girlfriend, you are accountable to her.
I don't know why I want to watch porn. I observed myself. I start shaking all over my body and my breathing grows shallow. Sounds like how an addict would behave, doesn't it? I'm waiting to get the fix and I'm thinking to myself 'This time it will be different, it will be great and better and the orgasm will be awesome.' And five minutes later I will be wiping myself off (gross) and I'll still be just as alone as I started off. With a limp dick.
I'm lost, truth be told. At least it's good that I don't MO so much, I will try to abstain at least from MOing. I don't know about watching porn.
I've been thinking about making my life more interesting and more fulfilling, but all the nice things are in the future. No instant fix, no banana for the instant gratification monkey.
Things I could do to make my life more enjoyable;
1. Join the gym to see if I can do cardio on a machine (better cardio health means a healthier D, right?)
2. Go to the movies once a month
3. Help a person reach their life goals (I'll learn to be less self-centered)
4. Read out loud to develop a more pleasant voice
5. Develop a friendship
That's about it. Of course there are plenty of other things to do and try, but at the moment, these are all that come to mind.
Talk to you in a week (next Thursday)