Taking it seriously

I agree with your points. When I was in middle school getting a magazine was extremely hard and expensive. Now you have whatever you want on your phone for free. Before you had to pay for it, now you have to pay for not encounter it. We have to do what we have to do, if we are serious about getting rid of this. Guard your eyes and thoughts 24/7.

Thank you for your words. You raise very good points. They are making me think deeper about many aspects of this journey. Also, William's posts are great. Very honest, straight, and talked to me in a particular way. The chameleon form that this addiction takes is a brilliant way to describe how it has chased me. It is like sooner or later, it will find the right shape to get to me. It just takes time. At some point I treated this vice as the person one William described. The one who wants to control it but not necessarily get rid of it. Having it around just in case. I know now, it was a big mistake. This needs to be cut from its deep root. I have closed my leisure social media accounts. They have been a source of entertainment but also of triggers. This was a good advice, thanks. You are right, they do not contribute me anything and yes, they take valuable time away from my family who fully deserves it.

I do have unresolved issues from the past, and it is clear that they affect the person I am today. The attention received from my dad was minimum. Even though my parents never divorced, my dad was away most of the time while growing up. I found refuge in my friends. For some reason, they thought highly of me. I always got good grades and I did not like to drink as much as they did. Maybe that is why they had that thought of me, I cannot say for sure. They made me feel good and appreciated. Then, I went away from home to study. Spending years in isolation was hard. I saw my many friends drifting away one by one. As they faded away, the feeling of being appreciated gradually decreased. Every time that I felt in that way, I knew that there was a big risk to fall back into porn. It seems that my brain yearns for the dopamine as a substitute of the appreciation feeling. That seems to be a factor. In my last relapse, a contributing factor was that I got mad at my wife. To be honest, I don't remember the reason. What I remember clearly is that I did not feel appreciated. It is interesting to understand this aspect of my past. It has always been there, I just did not connect the dots. There is certainly more baggage still to be processed.

Now, on your first point of accepting who I am. It has been a struggle, mostly because my deep desire is to move forward and transform my very self into someone without the addition. I really want to see myself as such. It is hard to accept that I am not there yet. As in every journey, there has to be a starting point. I have to come to terms with who I am now.

Thanks for reading


That's right, man. Porn addiction is tricky because of its nature to attack our sexuality and it makes you feel like this is you, this is what you prefer and then you start feeling like a freak. But it's not true. Our sexual taste has been fucked up by porn and it's even more dangerous when you start as a teenager, when you start developing your sexuality. Porn comes and hijacks this and you don't even know what you're supposed to think about sex and women anymore. I know it happened to me. I would say: "Fuck, man, I'm not normal. Look what things I prefer." The thing is, once we are done with porn, we will see who we really are. But it's a long journey, a long fight and you should never let your guard down, even after months of porn abstinence.

Here is what YBOP says: "DeltaFosB slowly degrades, and is back to normal levels about 2 months after an addict last uses. Even though DeltaFosB is no longer present, the sensitized pathways remain, perhaps for a lifetime. Remember, the purpose of DeltaFosB is to promote the rewiring of the brain, so that you will experience a bigger blast from whatever you have been overconsuming. This memory, or deeply ingrained learning, lingers long after the event. "

That's why you should never fuck with porn, no matter how long is your streak. You could easily come back to it.


Active Member
Hello recovery000,

we are here to help, therefore i'm glad you got something good and positive out of my contribution for your journey.

The father not really appreciating you could be the root cause, but no one really knows. My strategy was, if this is it what comes to mind first, it's worth being processed, even though it's leading me somewhere else.
In the end your father will most likely not change and he is like he is and your memories of the past will not change. He is just not that person who's appreciating his son in the way you needed it. From my experience one tends to think that 'it's my fault', but it isn't. It's no one's fault, it just was like that and you can process this, accept it and move on afterwards.

I'm happy to read from you again.
Somewhere I heard the phrase that the temptation to lust goes away 15 minutes after you die. You are correct, the way is always uphill and any misstep can lead you back down and hit you hard.

I understand what you say. I don't blame myself for his lack of attention, not even him that much. He was battling his own issues at that time. I just hope to be a good dad for my kids, give them what I did not have. Also a good husband to my wife. These are my main concerns and they motivate me to keep going, to improve myself. I think we all need a motivation, a goal and a plan. And the goal has to be meaningful. Otherwise, everything is absurd and we just end up leading a self-seeking pleasure type of life.

Today is day 10. I feel fine, event though there have been some work-related problems and they tend to stimulate family tensions, as well. Identifying these triggers helps me to be more aware and cautious of my emotions, thoughts, and attitudes. I have also taken additional protective measures. For example, unless I am on a work-related call, I am leaving my home office door wide open all the time regardless of the hour or level of noise outside. The computer screen is set to be always visible to anyone walking by the hall outside of the office. I've placed around my desk pictures of my family, as a constant reminder of my motivation. I am taking a tiny break every hour or so to shortly catch up with my family, so I stay connected with them.

Have a great weekend everyone


Active Member
Perfect. Build your own wall of protective measures. It will help one way or another.
Also recognizing what leads to tension in yourself is very good. If you're up to your best, the people around you will contribute from that in a positive way.

No cravings. My current concern is a potential work frustration and its ability to take from my recovery. I've invested a lot of time and effort to a project at work. It looked promising. As time goes by, I am seeing that its potential was not as high as expected. My employer might get disappointed and as a consequence, my growth in my current job may be compromised. My hope is that this situation won't transform into pressure to relapse as a way to escape from the frustration.

Be well, everyone.


Well-Known Member
Hey recovery00,

Sucks that you've got stress at work. But will the outcome of the project, albeit somewhat less fruitful, really determine your careerpath on a single instance? Or is it that you perceive it like that?

In any case, do you have any control over the potential of the project anymore? If not, would you be able to accept the outcome, no matter what it is?

I wish you good luck in dealing with this. With respect to PMO; do you foresee any extra difficulties in triggers / urges due to this stress and have you thought of counter measures?

Good luck my friend, I am rooting for you
Thanks for your comments. Every project is a brick on my career path. As songs for an artist, some can be hit records while other pass unnoticed. Too many unnoticed projects aren't good for your career future. I am exploring how to redirect the real fruits of my current project to better benefit from it. It might not be as bad as initially thought, but working on the change is somewhat draining. But it is what it is, that is just part of the job.

It seems that considering this work situation as a potential trigger, gave me the extra awareness that made it not being one. I don't feel urges to escape into P or something else because of this. I think of this is good news. However, my protective wall is not less high. Triggers can be in the most unexpected places. For example, just a few hours ago, a pretty woman passed next me in a parking lot. She was evidently not wearing a bra under her shirt. Once I noticed that, it was hard not to look again.

Keep you wall high, everyone.
About to enter week 3. No cravings. Morning erections have been present for a while now, but libido is very low. A few flashbacks of watched scenes pop in my head like twice a day with no major reaction in me. I don't let them stay in my head for long though. Putting my head somewhere else instead. Still thoughtful about work and what could come next. I wish you a good week, all. End of the update.
Thanks Orbiter, I hope your are having a great week.

Today I feel good. However, as I enter my fourth week, I am starting to experience some mild controllable cravings. This is in line with my normal behavioral cycle. My wall is still high and I am keeping myself busy. I have a couple of deadlines at work and cannot afford failing them. This, and the desire of continuing adding more days to my streak, for my sake and my family's, keep me going. All is good, it's part of the race.
It was a busy but good weekend. Now getting ready for a busy week. Having a lot in my head has been a good way to use my time productively. There is little room for leisure. I am starting to feel a drive to keep going, to work hard, to be more present in the real world. This sensation is good and keeps me motivated. There's a drop in brain fog. The level of awareness and self-monitoring is not less strict. I still have some flashbacks when trying to fall sleep, almost every night. I expect it to last for some time while my mind flushes and probably after. Pressing on!


Well-Known Member
Great stuff! Positive momentum like this will continue to build and ultimately give you strength & purpose to deal with the hard times and make the most of the good.

Onwards and upwards!
One month on hard mode, checked!

I feel changes in my perception of reality. I am more aware of things, my mind has gained some clarity. Flashbacks still come to my head a couple of times a day, especially when I am doing something monotonous, like driving, it places my mind in autopilot. Also, I am still working on controlling my eyes when walking next to good looking women in the street. These are works in progress. I feel very good with the advancements. Now, on to month number two!

I wish you a great weekend, everyone. Stay strong, productively busy, and in full control of your thoughts and emotions.


Active Member
Hello recovery000,

How are you dealing with the flashbacks? Do you cross them away and force yourself to do something else? This helps me most of the time.

Anyway, great news from your end. The process and your strategy is working right now. Always check if something has changed for you and if you want to adjust your strategy. Staying vigilante is necessary and keep disciplined.

Hi Imsor,
Yes, precisely because the flashbacks come when my mind is in autopilot, I have to put some energy to regain control. It is like gravity, if you stop pushing, it will send you back down. For example, during long drives, I have to put my mind on something useful, like a an audiobook, a podcast, etc. Otherwise, inertia does its thing. I experience, however, that the effect of those flashbacks on me have gradually decreased. The appeal is lower than before, which is good. I hope keep going in this track. I am fully aware that giving in, even if it is a single cm, can be critical. I am also more aware of the importance of sleeping. The more well rested you are, the more energy you have to be and remain in control.

Thanks for checking in, I appreciate it


Active Member
You're welcome.

There are few things the increase overall energy, like you named already.
For me sleep and running for 45 min are the biggest factors. Both increase my overall energy. If i drink alcohol, i sleep bad and i'm not able to do sports, so, my protection wall is weak the day after drinking.
It's also with stuff i have to do, like answering or processing letters, household work, stuff like that. If i do them instantly when popping off, i feel way better with no tasks left on my conscious. For me, it's then way easier to chill out.

For the flashbacks i like to think of them as a muscle. Don't train them and they will decrease, but will never go away completely. Just never hold on to them.
I imagine that drinking, as well as things that reduce your level of awareness, produce a negative effect while rebooting. You have to be on top of things, otherwise, the lower self (lazy, lustful, etc.) takes over. It is similar with emotions like anger or frustration. Everything that moves you away from you being in control, can be critical.

I don't drink and try to eat healthy food, most of the time. Exercise is perhaps two or three times a week. Now with covid, working out is very different but can have some positive aspects. Commit to a reboot while exercising in a packed gym next to good looking women in tight clothes, is a recipe for disaster.