Taking it seriously

I experience harder cravings today. It might have to do with a job interview that appear not to have gone as expected. I feel somewhat stuck at my current job, wanting to move forward. Perhaps, that is why cravings are coming. With no social media and other barriers, I am doing my part in fighting back. Good day, everyone.
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
hang in there recov, you've come a long way in 2 months. Stay the course, in another few months you will be out of the woods.
 
Thanks akpal2. The woods are unfortunately just right next to you at all times. One click away. Patiently waiting for a down day. If we see this as a game, certainly the rules are biased against us. We have to not just win, we have to excel.

Day 0:
The frustration got me today. A bit disappointed to say the least. Life is a series of ups and downs and today is a down day. First mishap of the new year. However, it is always good to look for a positive angle. From a wider perspective, in the almost seven months I've been writing my journal, I have had streaks of 4 weeks, 4 months, and 2 months. It gives me hope for what is coming next. I am moving forward with hope. May God help us all.
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
that is definitely a lot of progress. It;s all building up to empower you, soon the last relapse will be your last relapse. Keep on fighting. We're in it to win it.
 

anubu0

Active Member
You've got this recov! Maybe open up to your wife if you haven't already and let her help you through your journey. It seems intimidating, but you guys together can beat any problem.
 

Peaceful Healing

New Member
Hey Recovery000,
I'm really hoping good things for you.
As I mentioned in a previous reply, your situation is much like my husbands and I know you can do this.
I was recently watching some stuff on neuroscience, Dr Amen. He's amazing to listen to in regards to this stuff.
Write down your why. Your reason for the goal.
And then every time you have a thought that doesn't align with that chosen goal, you ask yourself "then what?"
It really gets your judge working, that front part of your brain that acts as the breaks to these actions.
You start training yourself to be more conscience of the outcome, therefore giving yourself a better chance at steering away from whatever it is that doesn't align with what you truly want.
Hope you're doing well



 
Thanks akpal2 for taking the time to reply. Yes this is the only way. Never giving up. Hoping your are doing well.
Good point anubu0, thank you

Peaceful Healing, thanks for your input. Indeed, we need a strong and well-defined motivation to keep us going and finally overcome this (and every) addiction. Very interesting the information about the inner judge or, can we understand it as conscience? Either way, there is a need of a having a well-formed conscience. There is too much noise in the world, both offline and online, and that certainly clouds our judgement of good and evil. I appreciate your encouraging words and hope and pray you and your husband find the healing and understanding you need. My very best wishes to both of you.

Update:
It's been more than a month since my last post. It is good to say that I've remained clean. My overall wellbeing is very positive and with a strong desire to keep on improving. I believe that, even though there have been a few relapses, the length of my previous streaks have had a positive effect in my brain. It seems that they have helped me flush a lot of bad stuff off me. Because of this, I conclude that even if one falls, the progress and efforts put on previous days/weeks/..., are not wasted. Your brain is improving, slowly but every single day counts. Just keep going, it gets lighter the more clean days you are able to complete.

Now, I am more engaged in my work obligations and hoping to advance in my career. I keep on looking for a better job while giving my best in my current one. My confidence is much better, though I struggle to find the right balance and not falling into pride either. The relationship with my wife and kid is great. These lockdowns have helped us a lot to be united as a family and enjoy our time together. If ever going back to a regular office building/schedule, it is going to be very hard to do so.

Prayer and religious formation has been central for me in my process. In addition to ask God for help and forgiveness, it has been very helpful to learn about the virtues, vices, human nature/weakness, the evil one, and reading about the lives of exemplary people. Men and women who wholeheartedly embraced celibacy and chastity, something that is often mocked in our days. It requires not only guts to embrace and training to develop into virtue, but help from above. Ask and you shall receive.

Thanks for reading. May God help us all.
 
I've been doing well these days. A few temptations come and go, but still on track. I've reflecting for the past few days about how my lack of prudence has affected my recovery. Often when I hit a milestone in my recovery, the feeling of accomplishment takes over me and confuses me into thinking that this is over, the addiction is gone. This makes me decrease my level awareness and other barriers. Then some situation, like frustration, hits and I end up relapsing. I must strive to be more humble and acknowledge that this is a marathon that could last for the rest of my life. There should not be any reason to lower the bar with regards of being aware of my thoughts, emotions, and movements of my heart, and to act accordingly to prevent a fall.

Working now on not being careless, being more prudent and humble, regardless of the length of the streak. This is a monster that is patiently waiting to devour you the moment you are weak, and worst, the moment you are careless and overconfident.

Thanks for reading. Wishing you all a good week.
 
Finishing up the second month since the last mishap. Doing well and feeling strong. Still cautious, I don't want to be overconfident because that has had terrible consequences in the past. I have been very busy and stressed out with work, but fortunately I've been able to manage the frustrations associated with that on my own without wanting to escape to the high-dopamine world.

What is in my mind now is that every little win matters, each day counts, now and in the past. Even after a relapse, the days that I was able to stay clean before that, have mattered. To me, the detachment process comes from these small victories. The addiction loses power each day added to the "clean calendar". A relapse pushes you back a little bit, but the prior wins still count. I am moving forward with hope. Thanks for reading and happy Easter.
 
Day 67
Late last night, I let myself cross the red line and checked some models online. It quickly escalated to P. Did not MO'ed to that though. Still not sure to count it as a relapse. Probably not, but it is still very concerning. I can't understand why did it happen. It could be the exhaustion of the struggle. I've had some erotic thoughts and dreams some nights in the past few weeks with one wet dream. I sense a loss in my momentum towards recovery, and that concerns me. I fear my brain liked with it saw and will ask me for more soon. There is no desire to check that right now, but the urge will come back, that is for sure. The strategy now is not staying late working, even if there is a need to do so, as last night. It would be good if when it does, it finds me sleeping. The fight must go on. Thanks for reading.
 
Day 68
As expected, the night went by with strong cravings, fortunately nothing regretful to report. Probably tonight will be somewhat the same, so the strategy of going to bed early still applies. Hoping build momentum soon. Good day, everyone.
 
Day 1
The mistake was to open Pandora's box. It was very hard to kick it out of my head and the consequences did not make me wait. That is a re-learned lesson for the future. My mood is affected but not as much as in previous relapses. It seems that my system is slightly stronger against the side-effects of relapsing such as the emotional damage that often accompanies it. Perhaps, this is connected with the benefits of accumulating many clean days. That is good news and gives me hope on what is coming next. The fight must continue. Back to the arena.
 

Wolfman

Active Member
Sorry to hear about the relapse, recovery000, but you're in the right mindset: back to the arena! ("Are you not entertained!?") Learn from what went wrong and add it to your system. Rooting for you!
 
Thanks, Wolfman. I appreciate your encouraging words. Peer support adds momentum to keep oneself on the track to recovery. Wishing you all the best in your journey

Day 3
Experiencing some cravings mainly about an actress that is currently in my head. Doing my part to be in charge and not letting these thoughts dominate my actions. The week looks very stressful as things at work have turned heavier and the pressure has increased. Taking one day at a time, and crafting a plan to tackle a sequence of challenges that are coming my way. Trusting that the sense of responsibility regarding these challenges keep me on the right track this week. Wishing you all a clean week.
recov
 

King Leer

Member
I like your point about "a sense of responsibility". When I went 28 days my longest streak that was one of the things i honed in on. I am gonna try and revisit that idea and remember my responsibilities  the things I promised to do as a husband. Good post
Keep strong
 
Thanks King Leer, it is good to know that you got something helpful out from this journal. All the best in your journey.

Day 18
These past weeks have not been easy. However, I've managed to stay away from the high-dopamine world. The pressure at work has been helping me to stay focused, and very slowly building some momentum. I give it all during the day at work, so at night I go straight to bed, exhausted but satisfied at having made good use of the time. In some sense, it is like making up for the wasted time of the past. This thought helps and keeps me going. There is too much to make up for. No time to waste. One day at a time.
 
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