The Journey continues, the Challenge goes on!


Active Member
Yes, absolutely. Take the chances and try to delete anything. This will help you to don't get in touch at no point.

I'm glad you're doing fine. You will overcome this period of NE. After quitting PMO the body is still producing so much sperm and therefore it comes out at night. Normally the body adjusts quickly and the NEs fade.
Again, hopefully another shortish update today. I'm now up to 30 days clean of PMO and it's certainly been much easier to not care about porn during the last week or so. My libido is also quite dormant during the day. The porn filled dreams have fallen away, as have the NEs. One thing to report is that last night I had a dream which included someone I'd not thought about in a number of years. It was a female wrestler from when I used to watch WWF/WWE around 1999-2001. She was extremely attractive and I liked her a lot but that's about it. Anyway, this person appeared in a dream of mine last night and it was strange because I was extremely attracted to her in the dream (just like I was many years ago when watching her on TV) and there was definite sexual energy at work but it wasn't lustful, like you get with porn. In the dream I was saying how stunningly beautiful she looked and we engaged in an intimate embrace but it didn't become or feel x-rated, so to speak. Instead it just felt so nice to be close to someone you're attracted to and who likes you back, similar to the early stages of a relationship. This behaviour is how I, in real life, like a relationship; not just lust or sex focussed, more about closeness and intimacy. I care little as to the meaning of dreams but I do think that this one is one of the more positive ones, particularly as it is one that probably would have turned highly sexual a few weeks ago. I just need to find this type of relationship in real life now....

Anyway, I am now back at work, even though it may only be for a few weeks if I get made redundant. I'm glad to be working again as it feels like things are a bit more purposeful now and furloughed life quickly became monotonous. However, I do miss the webinars and CPD sessions I was regularly attending, some of which were weekly lecture series that added some structure into my otherwise unstructured weeks. What coming back to work has shown is that it is so difficult to slot extra curricular activities into you daily diary when working full time. As such, I'm glad I maxed out my webinar consumption whilst I was able to do so! But who knows, if I get made redundant I'll be back onto my webinar binge all over again...


Active Member
30 days is great and it means you now passed the days with most urge. Now it's time to sort things out.

Hey, you are just recovering from an addiction. Give yourself the time you need, but finding the right girl for you is just the perfect long term goal one can have. Like i said, no rush.

Dreams can give a nice feeling into the day and maybe it wasn't coincidence it happened now, showing you that it's worth what you're doing and what is waiting for you.
Up to 37 days PMO free and no erotic dreams to report either. There have been a couple nights though where I've woken, felt very highly charged and sexual thoughts have populated my mind and were difficult to shake. Mornings too, I often wake with a libido that's pretty lively to say the least. Re: dreams, I concur with you, imsorrynotsorry, that the recent dream I wrote about probably wasn't coincidental.

Looking back at historical progress around sobriety, i thinks it's been a while since I went over a month without PMO. 2018 had a few periods of between one and three months without PMO and although I stopped tracking my progress in 2019, I'm pretty sure there weren't many extended sober periods. It will take some work to achieve my best ever sober period of almost nine months, which was in 2014. However, that was at a time that included a significant flatline period. Now, at a time when my PA is much weaker (relatively) and my bodily equilibrium and libido are back at a more natural level, it is generally more difficult to keep free from porn and porn thoughts as I have more sexual energy knocking around. I'm not saying this as a negative or making excuses for if and when I do slip, I'm just stating a fact. My PA is weaker but my sexual energy and libido are stronger - it is what it is. This sober period certainly has allowed me to regain some control and composure of my mind and my thoughts, which is good. It's so maddening, isn't it, that being free from porn makes us aware of how much better we feel in ourselves but we're still willing to throw it all away for a quick hit of dopamine?


Active Member
Yes, we think it's just like that.

I see some similarities with my story. Had a long year streak in 2012, then some streaks, weeks, a month, for years on and off to finally make it definit in 2020.

The libido will drop again and so the urges. The brain still expects something we conditioned it for, so it rebalances now. Just hold on, give it time and sobriety.

You now must never feel comfortable to achieve more days. Everyday is a new challenge and it'm stay like this for a long time, so please be vigilant. You are doing good in every case.
Just thought it was time to check-in because it's been a couple weeks.

I suppose the first item to note is I'm up to 53 days sober. The urge to view porn has dropped off quite a bit in the last 7-10 days and my libido isn't flaring up to much either. This current sober period is almost certainly the longest I've not PMO'd for quite some time, maybe for a year I'd guess. In the grand scheme of things it's only a small achievement but a significant one nonetheless.

The second item to note is another milestone, albeit not one I'm happy with. Today marks 4 years since I last slept with someone, with this last person being my ex. When I broke up with my first girlfriend at some point in September 2011, it was over 4.5 years before I slept with anyone again, with that person being my ex. What with Covid-19, social distancing, working from home etc. I'm 100% sure that this existing 4.5 year 'record' will be broken, which is a depressing thought. There's very little I can do about this situation so it's something I need to manage mentally.

And finally, my friends seem to have now abandoned me, as I suspected that they might. I've not been contacted by any of them for some months now so it's 'nice' to know that they are keenly interested about my current situation and why I've not been all that communicative recently...


Active Member
hey happydude619,

nice to see you again.

The effort will be worthy and all you do with staying away from PMO is just for yourself. You and only you will earn the fruit of all that. I think of this as something really nice, like giving a present to oneself. Stick to it, this is a long term project. Covid will go away one day, everything changes all the time, but you being sober from PMO can be a persistent thing.

Not happy about the friends part though. Maybe just giving it time helps.


Respected Member
Hi, happydude619.

And finally, my friends seem to have now abandoned me, as I suspected that they might.

Maybe some of them are feeling the same way you are?

Wish you all the best on your reboot.
Up to 64 days PMO sober now. Libido spikes have all but disappeared but if I'm watching tv for example and see someone who's attractive (an attractive presenter / actress etc.), it doesn't take much to get aroused.  It's been quite a while since a NE as well so I think my body is reaching some sort of hormonal equilibrium. Apart from this, there is little else to report.

@EarthWalker, I am not sure. They are all active in our group chat and three of them met at the weekend to celebrate a birthday. This event was not discussed in the group chat and only referenced afterwards so they are clearly making plans outside the group chat and no longer involving me. It sounds like there's another get together this week, one that has already been organised outside of the group chat and again, without involving me. Almost no interest has been shown towards my absence, which is particularly noticeable to me considering I used to be one of the most active contributors within the chat.
No sooner had I mentioned that I'd not NE'd for some time than I experienced a NE during the night of my previous post. Oddly, it involved a P actress who I'd not thought about for some time. The dream situation wasn't particularly sexual, actually it was more romantic than anything else so I'm not too bothered it contained a P actress as the context and feeling is certainly more important. That was a few days ago and last night (or actually just before I woke this morning) I had another NE, this time involving my first girlfriend. I think my mind wanders to her on occasions so I'm not all that surprised that a sexual dream included her.

I have previously found that I experience a few NEs in quick succession and then they disappear for a few weeks or so. Therefore I imagine all will be quiet on the NE front until the end of the month. Aside from that, not much else to report.
It's been a couple weeks since my last entry so it's about time I gave an update. I'm up to over 80 days without PMO'ing. However, P thoughts and P urges remain but they are controllable. I feel like I'd like to PMO but don't feel like I NEED to do it which is good.

It's now been over 7 months since I left London and what with the work-from-home directive I don't know when this situation will alter. It's also been the same period of time since I met socially with anyone outside of my close family. And it must be 15-16 months since I kissed somebody, albeit a girl I really wasn't that attracted to and one that I only met up with just to experience any sort of feeling of closeness with another person.

Thankfully I'm back working now (as of the beginning of September) and it's incredibly busy so this is keeping me sane, otherwise lockdown and just me and my own thoughts wouldn't be a great combination.

So at the moment, it's a bit of a mixed bag. PMO situation: Good; P cravings and P urges: Less good but manageable; Work situation: Good; Social situation: Bad; The void experienced due to the complete lack of intimacy in my life: Off the scale.

The period of avoiding PMO continues and I'm very close to reaching 3 months. However, the feeling of social isolation remains. It feels very much like the norm now and my mind has essentially accepted it, but that's not to say I like it. It clearly seems like my friends (who actually live very close by) definitely have cut me out - based on the group chat they appear to be meeting regularly and not once have I heard from them nor been invited to any meet-ups at all. Clearly they have no appreciation or just couldn't care less about the difficulty of my situation. Yes, I am in a far better position than a lot of other people right now, but feeling like a child once again (due to my independence being long gone), feeling completely isolated from all that is around me, and feeling extremely lonely due to the total lack of intimate companionship is very hard to deal with at times. Just to keep my mind busy I often do work at the weekend because I have nothing else to do. I often find myself getting in bed and going to sleep before 21:30 because there is just nothing happening. Each night when I close my bedroom door and get ready for bed, I feel just like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day as everyday does feel like the same day repeated over and over. I know I'll wake-up the next day, my cat will be waiting outside my door to greet me (which, admittedly, is nice), I'll go downstairs and make a drink of tea, I'll come back upstairs and put my laptop on to do work, I'll have breakfast (which is often of little variety), I'll work through the day, I'll turn my laptop off at 19:30-20:00, and that's about it. Every single day follows this routine and weekends are not that different. And then when you find out those who you thought were your friends are giving you the cold shoulder through nothing that I have done to them, it makes me quite angry.
Rather than an update, as such, I just want to add in reminders about two subjects I want to write about in more detail in future entries.

Firstly, earlier this week I began reflecting on a certain irony in relation the world were are currently living in and porn. Right now, for those like me who are able to work from home, everything is virtual so lots of virtual meetings where you see you team but they are still just a face on a screen. Also, lots of socialising is done via Zoom and similar applications so once again, it's just a person at the other end of a screen. I don't know why I noticed the similarity to P only this week, in that P also is just a person at the other end of a screen. There's no physical interaction, no 3D world in which to operate, just you and another person behind a screen. Although I am happy that my team has lots of meetings and we see each other regularly, it is no substitute for in-person socialising or engagement. Basically, no wonder P makes you feel bad, it encourages isolation (by its very nature) and I think in the currently worldly situation, it has shown how difficult it is for people when isolated, even when just communicating via things like Zoom.

The other item that requires a lot more thought from me was inspired by another person's journal entry. This time the topic relates to how I view others, predominantly the opposite sex, and how I often see myself as inferior. I acknowledge I'm not that good looking but I automatically see myself as inferior if there's a girl I find attractive. I assume I am not good enough to be with that girl and then don't do anything about it. And then, in my previous relationships (which have so far been very few and far between) I don't think I've ever viewed myself as equal to the girl. As someone who is very accepting of others and is very non-judgemental I don't know why that when in a romantic setting I never feel equal. Why.....?
On a recovery note, I'm nearing 100 days without PMO. It seems slightly anti-climatic because whether it's 100 days, 300 days or 1000 days, I should be keeping away from P regardless. Also, 100 days in this current year seems different to 100 days at any other time because all days just seem to blend into one another right now. Groundhog Year....

Anyway, moving on to one of the items I mentioned in my previous post: superiority and inferiority. Although it was something I did think about and actively notice that I was thinking about it (during the time of romantic encounters / relationships), I never reflected on why I often had thoughts around superiority and inferiority in the context of romantic relationships.

When at high-school all the way to 18, I remember from 16 onwards that I always felt inferior and had confidence issues around girls. I know I will have been regularly MO'ing and PMO'ing at this time so I suspect this didn't help. Being less attractive than others, I lost ever more confidence when I regularly made friends with girls and then began experiencing romantic feelings towards them but was then always completely overlooked by them. Being the recipient of a number of callous quips (in relation to my appearance compared to my wider friendship group) didn't help matters. I always felt that if a girl was to go out with me, it'd be because I was 'punching well above my weight', so to speak. There was arguably a considerable amount of truth to this considering I attracted virtually no female attention from maybe 14 onwards. As such, I felt inferior to those around me.

Moving forwards four years to when I began going out with my very first girlfriend, I received quite a significant confidence boost by virtue of a girl ACTUALLY liking me. However, superiority and inferiority quickly entered into the mix for a number of reasons. The girl in question was far more experienced than I was in a relationship and bedroom context and I felt inferior due to believing I would not live up to expectations. Strangely though, I actually felt like the more superior person in the relationship based on my own thoughts and unfounded perceptions around social hierarchy. The girl came from a lesser background that I did and her life and career aspirations were a lot different to those of mine. In my mind I wrongly believed that she would be glad to go out with me (and for many years, I thought) because I was 'above her' (socially) and therefore she was 'punching above her weight'. I don't think there was any point where I ever felt her equal. As detailed in previous journal entries, my girlfriend ended the relationship after four months.

A few years later I met up with a girl three times and on the final occasion when I went to see her, spend the day with her and stop over I remember thinking that I was better than her. Again, this was based on her background versus mine, her job and aspirations versus mine, and a few other things too. As with my first girlfriend my mind was telling me that I was better than this girl and she was doing well to be being with someone like me. Well after that third meet-up I never saw her again through her decision to not continue seeing each other.

Shortly after, when I was in a relationship with my last girlfriend, for a while I felt equal to her. Soon this dynamic changed when I learnt more about her, learnt about her friends, her job, her past relationships and what she'd done in her life. I rapidly felt more and more inferior to her. I just didn't feel like I was good enough to meet her standards. Regardless of what I thought or felt, my ex ended things with me after four months. In the early stages of the relationship, these were the most fun times and I don't believe I thought about superiority or inferiority at all. We were just two people going out and that was it - I lived in the moment and had fun when I was with and that was about it. It was only after knowing her for a couple months that I began thinking I was 'punching well above my weight'.

Moving to the summer of 2019 when I was seeing a girl for maybe a month, slightly longer, I don't remember thinking all that much about superiority and inferiority. This was slightly odd considering the situation and what my mind usually 'judged' female companions on; this girl came from clearly a very well-off family.  Normally, I would typically think that I wasn't good enough for this girl but based on not having all that much in common and me just not fancying her, I was the one to end this casual and intimate, albeit non-sexual, relationship. I think during this 'relationship' I was in a place in my life where I was very comfortable with myself and my social life. For this reason I was able to judge the relationship on its merits (i.e. commonality, compatibility and if I was attracted to this person) rather than having any thoughts on superiority or inferiority.

Anyway, I don't know why in previous relationships I have regularly thought about superiority and inferiority, almost always based on purely arbitrary criteria that my brain decides to focus on. What is my problem? In day-to-day life I pride myself on trying to be as unjudgemental as possible and tend not to think of myself as superior or inferior to others. I came to the realisation a long time ago that there are likely to be millions of people who are in a worse financial situation, career situation, safety situation, health situation etc. when compared to me but who are far happier than I am. Do I think too much? Is my underlying self-confidence at such a low-level even though my superficial confidence level can come across as quite high? What is my problem? Why do I almost always put myself down?  I think in answer to the final question harks back to my own attractiveness and the difficulty I have in attracting girls (contrary to what the above paragraphs my lead you to believe). At high-school my close male friendship group all regularly attracted female attention with me always being the singleton, and it's a similar situation with my current (if there are still my friends) friendship group. All are in long-term relationship but even when we used to go for nights out, all the others would always be the ones acquiring attention from girls - not once on a night out did I ever get any female attention. Not only did this not help my self-confidence but I suspect it ingrained the perspective of me being inferior to all other girls.


Respected Member
Hi, happydude619.

Did your parents spend enough time with you when you were a child? Maybe look up psychology. It has improved since the old days.

edit: to clarify, the bulk of my issues are coming from the fact my parents were absent until I was 10 or something. Before that I was raised by my grandma. Grandma is a great person but a child needs a mother and a father. No substitutes. Messed me up more than I could imagine. Plus father being an alcoholic. A jackpot of an upbringing. But psychology helps a lot. I attribute my current streak to my interest in psychology.

Wish you well
Hello EW,

I think it could be said that the opposite is true in that I probably spent too much time at home during my adolescent period, in the comfort of my own home, and didn't spend enough time out of the house doing things with friends. Too much Playstation time into my early / mid teens. Then during my later teens I went to a school that was far away from where I lived so it was difficult to socialise with my friends outside of school hours. Upon completing school I didn't go to university straight away and instead took a job near to where I lived and remained living at home. This went on for five years and when I finally did go to university, it was to a local university so once again, I remained living at home. It wasn't until I went on placement and moved to London did I find myself living away from home for the first time in my life. I felt almost emancipated and my self-confidence sky-rocketed. I still had confidence issues with girls but less than I had before. It was also during this year away from home that I experienced what I would call my first (and so far last) proper relationship with a girl.

One of the biggest issues I have is that I will never initiate showing romantic interest towards a girl. In the case of the few girls I have been romantically engaged with (be it seriously or casually) I did not make the initial 'move'. Each time it was the girl that initiated things with me - ALL of them under the influence of alcohol, I've just realised. One problem I have is that my underlying self confidence in relation to girls is really low that I can't face the embarrassment of rejection so to avoid rejection I never take any sort of risk. I suppose this fear isn't entirely unwarranted considering the various rejections and putdowns I've had (directly and indirectly) over the years. The fact that I tend to attract very little female attention (compared to those around me) in the social situations I used to find myself in makes (and made) me feel even less inclined to take a chance and approach someone.
Well 100 days PMO went by without much incident. In bed on the night of achieving 100 days free from PMO, I did have a NE. I don't believe it was accompanied by a P-themed dream but it did wake me up. Due to cutting out PMO, the consequences of an O (as in the case of a NE) are actually really noticeable. Immediately after the NE, my mind just wouldn't shut down and allow me to go back to sleep. My brain felt extremely restless and I was grinding / chattering my teeth like some form of nervous twitch. It took about an hour before my mind sufficiently calmed down and I was able to get back to sleep.

It just goes to show how powerful an effect an O has on you, due to all the chemicals etc. that are released. And the true effect is only really noticeable when you cut out PMO, completely reset your body and brain and go back to 'factory settings', so to speak.


Respected Member
Hi, happydude619.

I probably spent too much time at home during my adolescent period, in the comfort of my own home, and didn't spend enough time out of the house doing things with friends.

I just wanted to say I relate all too well with this. Maybe it is for the best. To allow us to do some real proper self-inquiry in our 30s.

Congratulations on triple digits!

Thanks EW. It's certainly been some time since I racked up 100+ days free from PMO. The added benefit of a solid period of being free from PMO is that when I do do the self-enquiry (as you describe), I know that the thoughts I have are genuine and honest thoughts rather than ones affected by P. My thoughts during non-sober periods are often very negative and unfocussed so making self-reflections whilst sober is definitely a good thing.

And this leads me on to thoughts I've had recently. I've been wondering if during the past year that's been affected by lockdowns, social distancing, social lives put on hold, job losses and staying at home, whether others have been reflecting on their lives and how things have panned / are panning out...  I know I am reflecting heavily. The biggest thing I think about is how my 'single' situation will ever change. I suspect there will be probably be another year of lockdowns being turned on and off, mask wearing remaining prevalent, social-distancing remaining in place. I've retreated into my bubble and outside of work meetings, I have almost no social contact with anyone. Since March 2020 I can probably count on two hands the number of times I've ventured from my house. My personal development has sped backwards and my strong social skills have dissipated.

Life has become this big, matte grey existence, like the Heat Death of the Universe has come already - time has no meaning and everything is unchanging. I find that there's very little that makes me happy right now, and I mean happy in the sense of a deep and meaningful emotion, not just feeling happy when you're watching a tv show that makes you laugh. I just 'exist' right now, I have no one to share feelings of thoughts with, I've heard nothing from my friends in months and had barely a whisper from them since Lockdown 1 to inquire about my whereabouts due to not engaging in our group chat. Outside of my job, I have nothing to stimulate or challenge me. Sometimes I want to cry but all my emotions have been eroded since lockdown commenced that I feel very little and wouldn't have the ability to cry anyway. I feel like a caged animal, albeit one that has a full-time job. And I regularly ask myself "What's the point?", not in a suicidal sense but more in a general or possibly existential sense. There seems very little point to anything right now, I often wish I was some form of hibernating animal that could sleep through the next 9-12 months and wake up once there is something to stimulate my brain and my life.
It's been a while since I updated. There's not too much to report. I still haven't PMOd which is good, although I did find myself watching P a few nights ago. I think this corresponded with a period of heightened libido and just a general urge to look at attractive women. I've since had a few nights of NEs so I suspect this is my libido coming to a head and everything is likely to calm down now.

Just on another topic, it's now been almost 11 months since I had any human contact outside of my family. Somewhat surprisingly in my 'friends' group chat they had all arranged to go for a walk; one friend did ask if I wanted to come along. As per previous friend meet-ups, almost immediately the topic came up about people bringing their wives / girlfriends... It must be April since I spoke with my friends, or at least engaged in the group chat. I can't remember the last time any of them asked me how I was, considering I used to be so vocal and active in the group chat. And I can't be bothered to engage anyone as none of them would be able to relate to or understand how difficult it is to be so isolated. Aside from maybe a one month period during late summer 2019 where I did have physical and somewhat intimate contact with someone - and it was very short lived and not all that intimate really - I've been single since Sept. 2016. I have not been on any sort of date since then and only during the summer period mentioned above have I ever messaged a girl in a romantic(ish) context.

How would my friends understand this situation when they are all in long term relationships (all 5+ years), two are married and both have children, one is engaged and all of them are living with their partners? On nights out (pre-Covid) they would all be the ones attracting female attention and the kicker was they'd always drop the, "I'll be your wingman tonight" comment to me as if they were being helpful instead of just emphasising the fact that I am unattractive. This is why it's totally pointless raising these frustrations with any of my friends as they do not have any frame of reference for my issues. This is another ongoing frustration I have as I have no one to talk to about these things. Under normal circumstances, I would have my work friends to chat with about my gripes about my personal friends but right now i have no one to talk to about anything. My brain and mind just fester.