The Journey continues, the Challenge goes on!

[happydude619]

Firstly, I think I better get back to chatting about P, as I understand this forum to be one that is to do with P . Well since my slip 3.5 weeks ago the period has been very much a tale of two 'halves'. For the eight days following the slip, each was perfectly clean, albeit it with one NE around the five day mark. After these eight days though the bad habits began clawing their way back in again and it wasn't long before I was watching P once more. It's like if I can be good for a couple days, then hitting a week P-free becomes easy. My libido then starts picking up, temptations return and even wholly non-explicit material becomes a huge draw; from there is quickly snowballs.

Moving onto another topic, which falls into the category of personal reflection from recent journal entries, I recently began thinking about how I view my own worth in a romantic relationship sense. I have spoken about my views on the perception of equality in my two previous relationships - how equal or unequal I felt within them - but my recent thoughts are more focussed on how I view myself against other hypothetical males. Any time probably from my mid- to late-teens onwards, I've almost always had a voice in my head saying 'why would a girl be interested in me when there are probably 1000s of other guys who are far better than me out there and who the girl could choose over me?'. I always seem to put myself in the shoes of the other person and believe that the girl would think 'I could do better [than me]'. I always just think that there is definitely a huge swathe of guys out there who are better looking than me, taller than me, have better jobs than me, have more money than me, live in a nicer place than me, have a better personality than me, are more experienced in the bedroom than me, are far more experienced with relationships than me, have a bigger social network than me, are more adventurous and exciting than me; I could go on and on but I think you get the picture. Basically I put myself down and I judge myself against hypothetical people long before even getting to the point where I'm speaking with a girl, let alone anything else. I don't really like internet dating for a variety of reasons but one is definitely that there's a $hittonne of other guys on there who are some or all of the aforementioned criteria, in particular more attractive than me.

Is this the Avoidant Personality Disorder or the Fear of Rejection at work here? Is this just a self-confidence issue, self-confidence that has been demolished by a lifetime of cruddy experiences? Or is it something completely different? Man, it really sends me down a rabbit hole once my mind gets into the swing of things with all this personal reflection and analysing. On the one hand I find it very useful and sometimes productively painful to work through all this $hit, but other times I really f*cking hate it. I hate that instead of leading a semi-normal life in which I'd had normal relationship experiences and was perhaps in a normal, medium- to long-term relationship, I'm spending hours and hours and hours and hours writing about a whole load of $hit. Is this personal reflection actually doing anything worthwhile aside from allowing me to bask in my sorrows? Seriously, what is it all doing? Is it making my any more pretty? Is it making me any taller? Is it making me better in bed? Is it doing anything AT ALL that is helping me to attractive females? The answer is a resounding "No" so what's the point of it all. Five pages of journal entries and most of it self pity for a whole bunch of $hit. It's shocking how easy it appears for everyone else to finding themselves in a relationship or at least get dates. Me, I'm just some weird aberration and the only logical thought I ever have is "Why am I bothering to continue?". For god sake there'll be swathes of teenagers half my age who will already have been in relationships for a longer period of time than my TOTAL time spent in relationships. And the last time I slept with anyone was more than 1800 days ago; in other words nearly 5 years. It's an absolute f*cking embarrassment, an utter joke. I'm genuinely not sure how much longer I can handle all this, I'm really not. The alternative is to just burst into tears and scream as loud as I can but that isn't going to achieve anything either. Five years ago it was bad enough thinking I'd be single for perhaps a few months again but when I hit the one year single, two years single, three years single and four years single marks the $hit and realisation became more and more real that my life is one gigantic turd. On the brink of surpassing five years single and without sex, I just can't do this any more.

 

[Orbiter]

Firstly, I think I better get back to chatting about P, as I understand this forum to be one that is to do with P . Well since my slip 3.5 weeks ago the period has been very much a tale of two 'halves'. For the eight days following the slip, each was perfectly clean, albeit it with one NE around the five day mark. After these eight days though the bad habits began clawing their way back in again and it wasn't long before I was watching P once more. It's like if I can be good for a couple days, then hitting a week P-free becomes easy. My libido then starts picking up, temptations return and even wholly non-explicit material becomes a huge draw; from there is quickly snowballs.

It’s kind of a neither here nor there cycle isn’t it.? The six or seven day chaser effect passes and the libido returns. Perhaps the reason it’s so easy to lapse in this cycle is because of a subconscious belief that PMO is the only outlet for our libido, the only way we can experience sexual pleasure that will be available to us anytime soon.

Something to address at some point definitely but in the meantime, make sure not to give up. When you find a way to break out of this cycle, I’m sure you’ll be thanking yourself for not giving in to the despair and bingeing.

Basically I put myself down and I judge myself against hypothetical people long before even getting to the point where I'm speaking with a girl, let alone anything else.

It’s a very powerful full stop of an internal narrative isn’t it? If we’re inferior to everyone else then there’s no point reaching out for connection because we will only be hurt anyway right? So what alternative to sexual connection with another is left?

It's PMO isn't it?

The thing is, almost everyone is self-conscious, insecure or feels threatened to some degree no matter how successful they may appear on the exterior. Re the online dating, there are many valid criticisms of the structure, ‘game-ification’ of these websites and many other things but, from my limited experience, everyone there is as self-conscious, worried and desperate to find someone and get the hell off those things as everyone else.

I am assuming you are familiar with Carl Jungs concept of projection yes?

Carl Jung And “Projection.” Lexicon - Carl Jung Depth Psychology

Projection:

carljungdepthpsychologysite.blog

Projection: An automatic process whereby contents of ones own unconscious are perceived to be in others.

Projection means the expulsion of a subjective content into an object; it is the opposite of introjection. Accordingly, it is a process of dissimilation, by which a subjective content becomes alienated from the subject and is, so to speak, embodied in the object. The subject gets rid of painful, incompatible contents by projecting them.[“Definitions,” CW 6 par. 783]

I’d encourage you to avoid using researching psychology as a way to label or categorise yourself in any way, as this will often result in reinforcing a negative self imagine. Rather see it as a way to explain some of the thoughts & feelings you may struggle with.

With that said, is there a possibility all this talk of having to compete with thousands of others and all that could actually be a projection of some of your own fears and well, y’know, perhaps not be entirely true?

Self defeating comparisons are for me personally, a projection that became so deeply ingrained in my identity that they were for years and indisputable truth in my mind. I confronted this through therapy.

I feel this can almost be managed in a similar fashion to a PMO urge.

1) Find a way to ‘catch yourself in the act’ stopping yourself mid-thought.
2) Ask yourself whether this though has any real basis or is just a projection of an insecurity.
3) Dismiss it like a PMO urge.

Also, have you considered actually arranging some counseling with a real psychologist? There’s only so far one can go counseling themselves before it falls apart due to our own cognitive bias and indeed our own projections & beliefs. Pro-active quality visits with a qualified psychologist could save you YEARS of this.

Is it making my any more pretty? Is it making me any taller? Is it making me better in bed? Is it doing anything AT ALL that is helping me to attractive females?

Happydude, that's the easy stuff!!

How much do you exercise? There is so much fantastic stuff on the internet for this you can look into. Start with some jumping jacks & pushups in the morning and build from there.

What’s your diet like? Look into nutrition and find ways to eat well that work for you. So so so much great stuff on the internet!

Anxiety problems? Meditation. Even 5 measly minutes a day can make such a big difference!

What’s your clothes/style like? Perhaps put some money into getting some wicked clothes & look into ways that you can basically present as the most stylish Happydude you can be.

Better in bed? Kegels, cardio, core, confidence, connection with someone who’s actually good enough for you, enjoying yourself and NO PMO.

And on and on and on...

There are many practical solutions for these things. But none of these can happen until you can look in the mirror and, as terrifying as it is, give yourself a chance. For that to happen,questioning & confronting some of these false beliefs needs to come first.

Wishing you well Happydude, keep going!

 

[happydude619]

For this entry, there's a few things to cover as it's been a month since I last posted.

Firstly, things have been extremely so-so on a recovery front. Sadly, there have a been a few PMOs; I have recorded three PMOs on my tracker but there was a lot of PM'ing mixed in which I haven't tracked. Oddly, the main idiosyncrasy I have when I PMO now is that I never aim to or want to O, with the reason for this being that I consciously know that PMO is bad for me. More often than not I'll be watching P and MB'ing but I will be avoiding O at all costs. This way I get my hit of P and 'pleasure' but keep clear of a full-blown PMO as I know that this presents the biggest risk to my recovery. Whenever I do O, however, it's almost always accidental and because I don't want to O, I don't really get any pleasure from the situation. I then feel like I've wasted a PMO because I haven't let myself embrace the 'pleasure' that a PMO would otherwise give me if I'd been really wanting to PMO. Rather than if I'd purposefully decided to watch P, MB and then O (from which I would experience some faux-pleasure), these accidental Os are extremely annoying because not only do I fully slip but I also O when I don't want or mean to.

One of the things that was driving my bad behaviour and keeping me from building up any sort of clean period was regularly fantasising about my very first girlfriend, someone I have not seen, spoken to or had any type of interaction with for almost exactly 10 years now. Some time ago I happened across some old photos and I then found myself checking out her Facebook profile in a somewhat unhealthy fashion. This is something that had been smouldering for maybe two to three months and no matter how much I told myself how stupid this behaviour was, that I should block her on Facebook and that I should delete the photos, I didn't heed anything my logical shoulder angel was telling me. That was until last Saturday when I did block her and I did delete the photos. Ironically (or not), this positive action on the Saturday came about following a PMO that occurred on the Friday immediately before; the Saturday therefore being that typical peak moment of post-PMO 'Let's-get-sober!' motivation. I won't deny that even though I felt strongly motivated to block her and delete the photos, there was still a small amount of hesitancy before [I blocked her and deleted photos] and then a pang of regret afterwards. The upshot though is that I have now gone 8 days perfectly sober.

On another subject, three weeks ago I returned to the office, albeit I am only doing two days per week. I quite like this set-up as it not only eases me back into the 'going-to-work' mindset again, it is allowing me to only spend a couple days in London. I'd spend more time there if my living situation was better than it is so until this living situation improves or we're expected to be in the office more, I will be only spending two days in London. It was actually nice to back in a location where there was a uplifting buzz and it was enjoyable to interact with my work colleagues in a '3D' fashion rather than engaging with them via a computer screen. Also, I don't think that many things can beat being in a busy city then going for a few post-work beers; the ability to also be able to sit outside with with said beer being the cherry on top. Each week I've met up with someone and it's great being back to socialising again. Admittedly I do like a quiet and relaxing pub back home but it's very difficult to compare the two. Just the thrum and tingle of being somewhere that feels alive and not in a perpetual state of hibernation is very nice indeed. The main issue now is that my transient existence continues - 2 days a week in London - meaning that I'm again 'neither here nor there'.

@Orbiter , thanks again for your insight. My psychological knowledge extends to watching Frasier so, as with everything else you've enlightened me to previously, I wasn't aware of 'Projection'. When looking at your link and then investigating further on Wikipedia, there are a whole bunch of personality disorders that I could oh so easily claim to have. Take Borderline personality disorder (BPD) for instance, there are plenty of traits associated within BPD that could apply to me, albeit in a more diluted fashion that serious sufferers.

On the topic of interpersonal relationship, in the last three weeks during my visits to London I've met up with a number of people and talked with them about my problems; one meeting was with friend who is a work colleague and one meeting was with a long-term close friend. With my work colleague friend, I ended up chatting relationships with them by virtue of me asking how they were getting on with the person they'd told me about a few months ago. He said that this particular guy was long gone and he'd maybe met up with 15 or so other guys since then. I asked how he managed to meet so many new people because it's been five years since my last relationship and I've had virtually no dates in that time. He mentioned the dating apps that he used and asked what I was doing about pursuing meet-ups with people. I said that I was doing absolutely nothing so it's extremely unsurprising that I've not been on a date in five years. I said that my problem is that I hate the initial effort that needs to be put into a relationship - working through the pain of trying to get someone to actually go on a date with you, going on a date, persuading the other person to agree to meet you again and so on - and I hate having to face the extensive rejection that undoubtedly comes with putting myself out there. My friend mentioned about how, in China, there's a word or phrase that specifically means 'developing a thick skin'. In my case I said that I really do think that I have a fear of rejection and until I take the plunge I will remain in this perpetual Catch-22 situation. Another thing this friend asked me was what kind of relationship do I want; although I automatically think that I want a stable, serious and long-term relationship I said that it's not really possible to say what kind of relationship I want. The reason for not knowing is because I've had so little relationship experience I don't know if I want something that's short-term, medium-term or long-term and the only way I'll discover what I want is once I start engaging with dating and relationships. Until that time, I can't really say what type of relationship I want. Welcome to Catch-22 Part 2.

With my long-term close friend that I met up with, a few months ago I sent him a long letter detailing all the stuff that was swirling in my head and causing me problems so he is the one that knows best about my situation. This letter has since been sent to another friend of mine who I met last week and in person for the first time since March 2020, but I digress. When I caught up with my long-term close friend I said that since I'd sent him the letter I've started being a lot more honest about my problems and now that I've shared them, it's surprisingly easy to talk about them. It doesn't really change anything but the opportunity for people to help out becomes available because they understand the situation, which is always a positive.

Last week I'd also organised a met-up for myself a five others - all current and ex London work colleagues - and again it was so uplifting to see these people in the flesh for the first time in 18+ months. It was a great evening and inevitably the topic of relationships became part of the conversation. My situation was discussed and some constructive feedback was given by others. I still don't feel anyway near confident enough to put myself out there nor do I feel like opening myself up to a barrage of inevitable rejection, be it in-person or from behind a mobile phone screen and app. In conclusion, although it is now a lot easier to talk about issues with my friends and them being helpful and understanding, I feel no nearer finding a solution to my situation of long-term singletonitus and emotional loneliness.

 

[happydude619]

This entry shouldn't be too extensive as many themes remain similar to before. After my PMO earlier in October, I then went 11 days entirely clean. I've noticed that if I can get beyond 3-4 days without embracing the allure of stimulating material, everything then becomes much easier. My issues typically return around the two week mark where my body seems to become more susceptible to normal stimuli - noticing an attractive person on the Tube, for example. My libido seems to pick-up and I end up sneaking peaks at stimulating but non-P material again. For the past week, I'd been looking at non-P material before bed but it seemed like it was clearly some way off turning into a full blown PMO. However, a few things (in my view) conspired and resulted in a PMO taking place after a night out on Friday.

On Wednesday evening I went for a night out with work colleagues for a friend's leaving drinks. I didn't drink too much and it wasn't a hugely late evening but I'd still drank alcohol though and ended up being a bit more tired than usual. On Thursday evening I went out for post-work drinks with colleagues - I didn't stay long as I had a train to catch but by the time I got home, it was late, I was quite tired and I needed to be up early the next day so again, I became a little more tired than I otherwise would have been. Then on the Friday I went for a night out with friends. It was a really good night, I drank a reasonable amount but not masses and arrived home not too long after midnight. However, during the course of the evening a friend and I ended up chatting with a group of women, one of whom definitely took a bit of a shine to me and I to her. It was really just entertaining, flirtatious fun and nothing became of the encounter as the woman was married and had children so regardless of how flirty someone is with me and no matter how much I've had to drink, I always know where certain boundaries lie. However, there was definitely an attraction, or 'spark', between the two of us and although everything remained generally harmless, I was a little disappointed that nothing more could come of this meeting and I very much sensed that the woman felt the same. Under different circumstances, I'm quite confident things may had ended up differently. At the same time though, it was really wholesome to have highly entertaining engagement with someone, someone that could be as equally sarcastic to me as I to them together with having a bit of flirty, physical contact with someone. Anyway, we exchanged connections on social media but that was it.

When I arrived home I was quite drunk, which is usually my weakest time when I'm most likely to slip. Well, following events of the evening and thinking back the flirtatious experience with the woman, I felt very highly charged and ended up watching P and PMO'ing. This wasn't one of those 'I'm going to PM but avoid O and then get annoyed if I accidentally O and not actually enjoy it' occasions, this was one of the 'I'm going to enjoy consuming P, I'm going to PMO and I'm going to enjoy it" occasions.

One of my friends keeps harassing me (in a good way) to get some good pictures of myself, download one or two dating apps and then get busy dating. My main issue with this is that I much prefer the spontaneity of randomly chatting with people in social settings, as described above. You quickly know whether you like the person and there's no prearrangement to the encounter. To me, dating apps just seem the antithesis of this - so much up front effort is needed, you're chatting with an unknown person for an undeterminable period of time before you meet up and then if you do eventually meet up, the opportunity for spontaneity doesn't exist because you both know the reason why you're on the date. Dating apps feel just so clinical and only marginally different to prepping for, applying to and then attending job interviews. And job interviews are just so much fun, aren't they...

Anyway, aside from all the above I'm starting to feel my confidence return slightly, which is down to getting out and about more by having to travel to London a couple days a week, speaking with more people at work and in person, and just doing arguably more socialising in the last 5-6 weeks than I did in maybe the previous 18 months.

 

[happydude619]

I still find myself looking at P. Before lockdowns were relaxed and I started meeting up with more people, I found comfort through P due to being completely isolated and lacking any sort of social contact. The extended isolation and reflection time shone a blindingly-bright beam of light on my dearth of romantic relationships. The recent socialising and heading back to the office provided me with a sort of emotional 'bounce'; arguably not too dissimilar to the economic 'bounce' also felt once lockdown restrictions were lifted. And like the economic bounce which is now slowing down, the momentum behind the increase in my positive mood is also falling away. Socialising gave me a boost and distracted me from the underlying pain, a pain which is being to rise its head again now the novelty of socialising is wearing off.

After the initial mental flirtation with trying online dating, as recommended by a friend, upon further reflection I just don't know how I could go through with this. Online dating is far more about looks than encounters in real life and being someone not at all blessed in the looks department, online dating would simply be a fruitless, humiliating and confidence crushing experience. Why on earth would I want to open myself up to even more rejection that I already experience? Only a sadist or psychopath would proactively look to make themselves feel even more despised than they already do so online dating receives a big, fat "No" from me. And the more I chat with people, the more and more I just see that everyone is in a relationship, everyone is moving in with their partner, everyone is getting engaged etc. Then there's me... I cannot face online dating where, I'm sure, most just view it as a purely transactional hobby and as 'just something to do'. There is no seriousness or maturity to it, it is a forced encounter with more chance of winning the lottery than it actually turning into anything more.

There is a reason people like me are single: we're just freaks, pure and simple. We're not meant for or destined to be with anyone else. No matter how decent a person we are, it is all just a waste of time and effort. No one cares about personality; that's why attractive but horrible people find relationships easy and people like me just don't. If people I interact with (in real life) don't find me physically attractive, why the hell would a random person on the other end of a phone screen think any other? On the other hand you have P; P doesn't judge, P doesn't reject, P doesn't start dating you then say "Oh by the way, you didn't respond to my messages quick enough so I decided to date someone else". So let's check out the options, shall we. On the one hand, I could work hard to quit P, give P the good ol' heave ho and then live my life until I die without physical intimacy or a romantic relationship. Or, I could not worry about quitting P, enjoy it and still live my life until I die without physical intimacy or a romantic relationship. For some quitting P may be beneficial but for people like me, the cons of quitting P far outweigh the benefits.

I really don't know why I bother avoiding P, I really don't. 10 years of knowing about my PA and working on recovery has simply taught me that regardless of P I'm pretty much destined to live my life and then die alone. Really, someone please tell me how improving PIED is of any FUCKING benefit if one never has a physical relationship anyway. Quitting P is a complete waste of my time and effort and brings minimal benefits; in fact it prevents me from getting some sexual pleasure. For someone like me, quitting P is a pointless endeavour. The main reason I quit in the first place was to counteract the terrible PIED I experienced 10 years ago but if I'm never going to be in a physically-intimate situation (or relationship) again, what's the point in quitting P? The answer is "There is no point".

In other news, exercise is going quite well.

 

[happydude619]

History continues to repeat itself. I slip / PMO, I make it clean for a few days, watching P then seeps back into my daily pre-sleep routine, then a week to two weeks later I end up PMO'ing and the cycle starts all over again. One of the changes recently is that I have been meeting up with friends more and more and going for nights out. Returning home, drunk to a greater or lesser extent, I then get an overwhelming feeling of loneliness coupled with a spike of my libido. The result: P, P, P and then PMO. For the most temporary of moments, the PMO scratches an itch and then, almost instantly, the 'pleasure' peak vanishes, only to be replaced by a cold, blunt feeling of emptiness. Friday night was an especially good example of this and even in my drunken state, I was painfully aware of how ultimately unfulfilling P, the P person and the PMO was. It was pure, 100% dopamine for the briefest of moments and nothing more. There was no endorphin release, something that does happen when being physically intimate with a real person, with or without PMO.

I'm just getting more and more frustrated and fed-up with this situation, if that is even at all possible. It's almost 1900 days since I spent close, intimate time with someone I was physically attracted to (as well as being in a relationship with that person). I've completely forgotten what it is to feel genuine and natural attraction to another person. I can't remember what it feels like to kiss someone that I'm attracted to. And the memory of just lying next to someone I like is all but gone. I simply cannot carry on with this situation. I am emotionally unfulfilled and leading a barren husk of an existence. My soul remains empty and unnourished.

 

[happydude619]

I've not been formally tracking my day-to-day progress over the last 2-3 weeks but the last thing I marked on my tracker was a PMO on 13 Dec. 21. Since then my general behaviour (from memory) has actually been better than the last few months because I haven't PMO'd again and only on a few occasions have I looked at stimulating / triggering material. Even though the last few weeks haven't been perfect or as good as I would have liked, they are a marked improvement compared to much of Q3 2021. Aside from that, not a lot else to report

 

[happydude619]

I could probably copy and paste much of the previous entry regarding how well I've done over the last week. The summary would be: It was OK, it could have been better, it could have been worse.

The one thing that is challenging right now is 'maintenance' my general physical health. It will soon be a year since I started doing light exercise (i.e. more walking) to counteract the effects of sitting down for much of 2020 (from March 2020 onwards) due to working from home. My fitness never really gets too bad but the area that is taking a really long time to improve, or simply strengthen, is my joints, tendons and ligaments. They are slowly getting stronger but it has taking such a long time with numerous setbacks - having to stop doing exercise for 2-3 weeks, sometimes longer - due to my feet hurting, or my knees or my ankles. To deal with these frustrations I've recently started doing stretching which I am hoping will keep my joints supple. I think that although I was doing the right thing by doing more walking and being more active, the lack of stretching contributing to my ligaments and tendons possibly tightening after doing exercise and in turn, causing knock-on issues. I'm praying that my new regime of incorporating stretching into my exercise routine will mitigate any joint-related issues I suffer. In addition, I will be adding yoga to my repertoire as another low impact exercise that has a focus on stretching.

 

[Orbiter]

I could probably copy and paste much of the previous entry regarding how well I've done over the last week. The summary would be: It was OK, it could have been better, it could have been worse.

The one thing that is challenging right now is 'maintenance' my general physical health. It will soon be a year since I started doing light exercise (i.e. more walking) to counteract the effects of sitting down for much of 2020 (from March 2020 onwards) due to working from home. My fitness never really gets too bad but the area that is taking a really long time to improve, or simply strengthen, is my joints, tendons and ligaments. They are slowly getting stronger but it has taking such a long time with numerous setbacks - having to stop doing exercise for 2-3 weeks, sometimes longer - due to my feet hurting, or my knees or my ankles. To deal with these frustrations I've recently started doing stretching which I am hoping will keep my joints supple. I think that although I was doing the right thing by doing more walking and being more active, the lack of stretching contributing to my ligaments and tendons possibly tightening after doing exercise and in turn, causing knock-on issues. I'm praying that my new regime of incorporating stretching into my exercise routine will mitigate any joint-related issues I suffer. In addition, I will be adding yoga to my repertoire as another low impact exercise that has a focus on stretching.

Hi Happydude,

I've found myself in a similar position in the past and it's something that is definitely the hardest to manage at the beginning. Pain will plateau and the hurting will go away after time as your body adjusts. I think the walking, stretching & yoga is a good way to look after your body while at the same time continuing to consistently do something physical.

Just remember above all to be gentle & patient with yourself. This, the abstinence from PMO & everything else are all part of a bigger, gradual transformation that's happening for you step by step every day.

Keep up the great work!

Orbiter

 

[happydude619]

Urgh!! Nearly three months since I added to my journal... Which begs the question of "Why update it now?". Well honestly, I'm not too sure other than I just feel like 'downloading' a few thoughts.

Life continues to be a silent, mental maelstrom. On the surface everything about my life probably looks extremely normal, 'middle-of-the-road' perhaps. Scratch away the top layer, however, and underneath you'll find someone who is just so unbelievably stressed about how his life is unfolding. I have written in length about the almost complete dearth of intimate relationships throughout my life and the emptiness this brings to my soul. It only seems a few weeks ago I was writing that it was 5 years since my last relationship; 5 years since I slept with somebody... Well another half year has gone by since I 'achieved' this previous milestone, now taking my period unwanted celibacy to over 2000 days. I sometimes come close to having a mental breakdown when I think about this situation with the emotional and mental anguish feeling that it could start seeping out of every pore on my body. Firstly, it is a problem that is nigh on impossible to sort out, and my brain does not deal well with situations where there is no solution. Intimate relationships now seem so utterly alien to me I don't even know where I'd start with one - it makes me feel nauseous just thinking about how I'd make any sort of initial engagement. And then the almost-total lack of any 'being-in-a-relationship' experience would make any relationship an utter car-crash; I wouldn't know what to do, and the other person would have significant reservations about being with someone like me. Then there's my lifestyle and living situation which do nothing to help out either. I live in London for three days whilst I'm working in the office and then spend four days in another city at my parental home. I can't do anything spontaneous because my weekly diary is planned out 3-4 weeks in advance (due to the price of train tickets and the financial savings of booking early). I can't build up any sort of social capital anywhere and instead feel like I'm gliding through life in some sort of repetitive, meandering, dreamlike purgatory.

Then there's the thought of engaging in online / app-based dating, which scares the $hit out of me. Platforms where physical appearance is everything do nothing other that emphasise my main weakness of being extremely ugly. Added into the mix is the transactional nature of this type of dating, the knowledge that you could be the third of fourth person the other person has met that week, the competition with tens of thousands of other people, the underlying pressure knowing that you're both there with the ulterior motive of searching for romance.... HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT!!!!!

And then there's porn.... And then. There. Is. Porn... The last few months haven't been great as most evenings, when I'm in bed and before I go to sleep, I'll watch P. I rarely PMO, if at all, but instead spend maybe 20-30 minutes (sometimes longer) just watching P. I appreciate that there will always be the underlying addiction the drives a portion of my behaviour but overall, my consumption of P just feels like I am trying to fill the void of an intimate relationship with 'someone'. Attractive women with a friendly smile who do not reject me; why would I turn away from that? Aside from two all-too-short relationships in my life - one 5.5 years ago, the other 10.5 years ago - my romantic relationship situation has just been one blank page after another. How did my life turn out like this? I feel very close to a tipping point, for want of a better term, in that I'm not sure I can carry on with my situation as it currently stands. I cannot deal with the hopelessness that my life exists within right now, a hopelessness which is creating turmoil in my mind. For the briefest of brief moments P pacifies the emptiness of my existence but all too quickly I feel more lonely than before; terrified about remaining single and equally terrified about trying to change things through trying out online dating. A vicious cycle, a self fulfilling prophecy, a catch-22 situation - whatever you want to call it, I am in it. And it is really getting to me, more so recently than ever before. Whatever was remaining of my emotional resolve is decaying far faster now and it is all linked to my age and those around me. Friends are getting married, friends are having children, friends are moving in with each other.... And then there's me. I lie awake most nights in deep contemplation and with feelings of disgust and emotional terror about how my life is unfolding. At times I hate myself for how things have turned out, other times I actually want to cry, and occasionally I could scream and rip my hair out through the anguish of being alone. What I hate most about all this is that I know I am a fun, friendly, and likeable person, and knowing this makes me feel even more $hit and depressed. What more could I possibly do? What is the point in me maintaining my friendly, sociable and outgoing attitude to life and with those around me when it brings fuck all benefits?

 

[Orbiter]

It's good to see you here again Happydude, even if the circumstances are far from ideal.

I won't lumber your journal down with advice or suggestions as I don't think that's what you need right now. Just know that everything you need to find someone who is good enough for you and make it work is already in you. I believe when you're ready to conquer your fears, things will fall in place in ways you wouldn't imagine.

Stay strong, wishing you well Happydude

 

[happydude619]

Talk about 'dusting off' my journal; it's been 9 months since I last posted. My oh my, how time can seem to fly by whilst also feeling as if it is remaining utterly static.

Skim-reading my previous entries, a simple copy-and-paste exercise would be sufficient for this current entry because although many months have passed by [since my last entry], nothing has materially changed in my life. So I'm not really sure what to write that will be new or different to all those many areas and topics which I've discussed previously.

I suppose to keep this entry simple, I'll focus on P. From a recovery perspective, I'd rate myself as a 2 or 3 out of 10, and that's being generous. Full-on PMO continues to be quite infrequent but PM is something that is all too regular. On average, most nights before bed involve PM'ing to a greater or lesser degree; it's almost a pre-sleep ritual. I've been well aware of this behaviour for the longest time and it's this particular time of day that at least 99% of my P-consumption takes place. Many methods have been tried in an attempt to stop this but none have had any sort of permanency. I think I need to face the fact that rather that trying different things (to stop using P before bed), it needs to be a 100% mental effort in discipline and self-control rather than 'flying by the seat of my pants' and simply hoping for the best. Pro-active and strict mental management is required; the problem is I don't know if I actually have the mental resolve...

 

[happydude619]

So far January has been a bit of a mixed bag with old cycles raising their head. I'll have 4-6 days of remaining in control and keeping wholly clean but then, over the course of 2-3 days, I'll escalate from mildly sexual material, which isn't P, to a full blown PMO. The most recent of these PMOs occurred after getting home quite late after an event and being quite drunk. Being drunk is a huge weakness for me when it comes to being incapable of resisting a PMO.

Not to dwell on the negatives, the main positive for me is that January is, so far, concluding well with me being solidly over a week P free. I've not made any major changes to my lifestyle with the only one really being that I've been trying to read a book before I go to bed. The reason for this is to get away from looking at a screen for a reasonable period of time before going to sleep, which I understand can be beneficial towards having better quality sleep. And as my usual time for looking at P is in bed, just before I go to sleep, doing something that gets me off my phone is an added bonus. Reading a book before bed isn't the ultimate solution to freeing myself of PMO, of course, but now that I've built of a bit of a habit, I'm going to try to stick with it.

 

[Androg]

Regular exercise might be a good move. Also, you're not the first to notice that alcohol slows recovery.

 

[happydude619]

It makes a change to have a post that contains some good news. It's been over two weeks since my last PMO 'event' and my commitment to keeping away from P has been much better than it has been for many months. During the night I've noticed that whilst keeping away from P my brain activity is a lot calmer. And even if I do have things on my mind, the thoughts are comprehensible and orderly. If I've used 'P' quite heavily before bed, more often than not my brain becomes fantastically restless during the night. It's hard to really describe what happens to my brain activity and specifically my thoughts. My brain becomes awash with thousands of disconnected thoughts and they all seem to be moving at a million miles an hour, each in a different direction and all at the same time. I attempt to focus on each thought but this is utterly fruitless, just like if you were to try to play 60 games of table tennis simultaneously. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going crazy or if somehow I have an angry swarm of bees in my head! In all seriousness though, it does beg the question of why I persist with P consumption when I know that it will cause all of the aforementioned problems...

My main issues at the moment are musculoskeletal - Problems with my right knee and then a neck pain which comes and goes with little consistency as to what is causing it. The knee pain is the most frustrating as it's stopping me making progress with my running. I was making really good progress up to November 2022 then I've had nothing but issues for the last two months and it's beginning to drive me crazy. I think I'm going to have to utilise my private healthcare as even after 3 weeks of not going running, the pain after today's jog is as bad a ever. Wanting to scream is an understatement...

 

[Readytoreboot]

It makes a change to have a post that contains some good news. It's been over two weeks since my last PMO 'event' and my commitment to keeping away from P has been much better than it has been for many months. During the night I've noticed that whilst keeping away from P my brain activity is a lot calmer. And even if I do have things on my mind, the thoughts are comprehensible and orderly. If I've used 'P' quite heavily before bed, more often than not my brain becomes fantastically restless during the night. It's hard to really describe what happens to my brain activity and specifically my thoughts. My brain becomes awash with thousands of disconnected thoughts and they all seem to be moving at a million miles an hour, each in a different direction and all at the same time. I attempt to focus on each thought but this is utterly fruitless, just like if you were to try to play 60 games of table tennis simultaneously. Sometimes I wonder if I'm going crazy or if somehow I have an angry swarm of bees in my head! In all seriousness though, it does beg the question of why I persist with P consumption when I know that it will cause all of the aforementioned problems...

My main issues at the moment are musculoskeletal - Problems with my right knee and then a neck pain which comes and goes with little consistency as to what is causing it. The knee pain is the most frustrating as it's stopping me making progress with my running. I was making really good progress up to November 2022 then I've had nothing but issues for the last two months and it's beginning to drive me crazy. I think I'm going to have to utilise my private healthcare as even after 3 weeks of not going running, the pain after today's jog is as bad a ever. Wanting to scream is an understatement...

Great job! Keep going on your no PMO journey

 

[Androg]

That's a profound insight about how porn affects your concentration.

Hope your knee and neck feel better soon. Maybe you need some other strengthening, or postural alignment, exercises first?

 

[happydude619]

It's now three weeks since my last PMO. General P cravings have cooled and it's all been pretty positive. There have still been moments of consuming sexualised, but not explicit, material so I need to work on cutting out this behaviour. It's so easy for things to 'snowball', as I have learnt many times before, so I just need to maintain my good habits and look to avoid the mentality of 'in for a penny, in for a pound', which I'm sure we can all relate to in any moments of weakness. My willpower currently remains strong and keeping clean isn't too difficult right now so staying focussed and alert is the aim of the game right now.

Do I still yearn for P? From time to time, yes. Will those yearnings ever disappear? I'm certain that they won't and that I will never be truly free because my PA was just so strong. However, I've accepted this, and this is something that isn't a pessimistic outlook, it's a realistic outlook.

 

[happydude619]

My goodness - Eight months since I last updated my journal. On the one hand, it only seems a few weeks since the month of February but on the other, I barely recall making journal entries at the beginning of this year and if I'd been asked to guess the last time I posted I would have said around one year ago. The passage and experience of time certainly are relative!

I suppose such a long duration between entries requires that a summary of events be provided, if nothing else. I won't present things in a chronological fashion as the year has been a bit messy and an orderly description isn't important.

Firstly, in early September I was made redundant after five very interesting years. I dodged the 'redundancy' bullet in 2020 during the height of the pandemic but this time I, together with around 90 other people, got 'the chop'. Going through a redundancy consultation in 2020 gave me knowledge of what to expect this time around so I knew the best approach was to not worry about the whys and wherefores or get hung up about if the business was making the correct decision to get rid of so many people. Instead, knowing that nothing I could say or do would change the business's decision to get rid of me (and others) I didn't waste any mental or emotional energy on trying to save my job. Rather I just focussed on making sure we received a fair deal from the business in the case of the severance package. Due to being with the business for five years my severance package was quite good so I departed whilst making very little 'noise'. In fact, it was only back in maybe February or March this year that I came extremely close tendering my resignation (due to being very unhappy in my job because of the crazy workload), so close that I had written, printed off and signed my letter of notice to my manager. In the end I didn't issue the letter so I didn't resign, and additional resource was brought in to assist me. The result being that I ended up in a much happier place so it was highly fortuitous that I didn't resign earlier this year because the 'payout' would have been miniscule compared to the redundancy severance package.

Overall, I have been very lucky with how events transpired and although I was sad to leave the company, my role and my project, and the many amazing people I enjoyed interacting with on a day-to-day basis, I was relieved to leave. From the moment Covid hit in 2020, the company changed beyond all recognition to what it was before. Regular business update events, team events, group training, general post-work socialising - all the things that kept work interesting and enabled you to meet up with those in the business you otherwise wouldn't - came to a grinding halt. Much of the camaraderie and fun stuff evaporated and didn't return. The 'vibe' had completely changed; so many great people (and personalities) left in 2020, and the resource 'churn' since had become a little out of control. As such, I wasn't too sad to leave the company. Most of the best memories were in the first 18 months before the pandemic hit and after that, things became a bit too much like simply 'doing a job', which I don't like.

Regarding non-work events and activities over the last eight months, there hasn't been anything ground shaking or major to note. I managed to attend quite a few rugby matches this season, the final one being the last home game of the season, which ended with all fans (home and away) being allowed onto the pitch. Numerous players were autographing and it was just such an amazing thing to do, letting supporters onto the pitch to mingle and chat with the players.

Sticking with other fun things, although I'm contradicting the beginning of the previous paragraph [re: non-work) and going against some of the things I've stated further above, one fabulous activity was a work team event, albeit an extremely rare one. The reason I mention it here is because it was a game of football, and it was such an emotional experience for me, I'd rather discuss it in that vein rather than focus on it being something specifically work-related. From the ages of 9(ish) to 18 I played a lot of football: for school teams, Sunday league teams and other exhibition matches, and also in a lot of my free time (lunch times, outside school with friends etc.) - it was a huge part of my life. I stopped playing at 18 because the fun had very much gone, not least because playing in adult leagues you'd encounter too many blokes who were more bothered about kicking each other off the park than playing football. A few years later I was then diagnosed with a back issue that the consultant advised me that I shouldn't do high-impact activities, which included playing football. By this time I'd stopped playing football anyway but it was still slightly sad to know I'd never play again. Well, onto the recent work football match. I decided to play because it wasn't going to be particularly competitive - more folks than not hadn't played football before and it was a mixture of sexes and ages - and it was designed to be purely a fun event. I'm quite proud to say that I pretty much stole the show with my somewhat rusty, but still present, skills and ability. It took me maybe 15-20 minutes to get my first touch back to a reasonable level, and my fitness certainly is nothing like it used to be, but my awareness, timing and footballing brain were as if I still played football regularly. You never forget to ride a bike, so to speak. It was just fantastic being back on a football pitch, on the grass, after more than 15 years, and still being able to play the game quite well. I ached quite a bit for the following few days and my back issue was mildly painful (but nothing major), but that was to be expected. However, for the 3-4 nights after the game, I'd be in bed at night just thinking about the game, playing football and feeling extremely happy - the match had left such an emotional impression upon me that it was as if I was on some sort of feel-good drug! It was a powerful and personal experience that it deserved its own extended journal entry.

Now, moving onto the subject for which we're all here, P, it's been a very poor eight months. I've regularly consumed stimulating material, PMOs have been pretty frequent - perhaps once a week to ten days. There have been short periods of total sobriety but never for more than a week. Tracking of my sobriety has been sporadic throughout 2023 but there is far too much red and amber when compared to green - it's probably been the worst period for a very long time. I won't labour over a subject I've discussed at length previously but being single, lonely and without intimacy has really driven me back into the clutches of P. The yearn for physical contact, an emotional connection, something that makes me feel just a hint of humanity all continue to gnaw away at my sanity. Only through P am I able to embrace the female form and it's so self-defeating because for the briefest of moments, PMO makes me feel happy but then the realisation hits that I'll likely never have physical intimacy with a woman again. It's for this reason I've been quite nonchalant towards recovery; why force myself into complete celibacy when I can at least experience some pleasure, albeit with virtual women?

 

[happydude619]

Journal entry: Part 1 of 2

Something I didn't mention in journal entries last year or this year do concern a very brief relationship that I had with someone. I didn't discuss it at the time because I just wasn't ready to discuss it.

In late June 2022 there was a work event - a music concert - where I got chatting with someone I'd previously only chatted with extremely briefly at work. In my usual manner of 'poking fun' with new people I meet to determine what type of sense of humour they have, I attempted this with the girl and she reciprocated. Nothing else happened during the evening and the following week I sent her a jokey IM and from that we chatted for a few days, nothing serious and just light-hearted. Eventually I gave her my personal mobile number, and we chatted for a week or two before I asked if she wanted to meet up. She agreed and we went on a date the following week. It was my first proper date in six years and although it went ok-ish, it was quite awkward considering we'd enjoyed a concert together a few weeks previous. As we were each heading home, I apologised for the awkwardness, admitting it had been quite a while since I'd been on a date. How it then happened, I don't know, but we kissed and I immediately relaxed - this is a typical insecurity of mine right there; worrying profusely and not feeling confident about a situation until there is rock solid affirmation from the girl that she likes me. In this case agreeing to a date wasn't enough, I needed to be kissed to calm my insecurity...

Feeling more confident, we continued to exchange messages and arranged another date (mini golf) a week later. One thing to note at this time was that our messages were quite short, usually a sentence or two max. I take my cue from the other person around length of my message but I always do try to avoid simple, brief messages that can stop a conversation dead. This girl's messages were always very short, although her response time was usually quite quick. Anyway, the second date was much better as I felt more at ease and my underlying confidence was much better because I knew that the girl must like me for agreeing to a second date. We then met up just a few days later at the weekend for an afternoon picnic then a brief trip to the pub after which I went back to the girl's flat, at her request. We fooled around a little but for me, after previous relationships that rushed into sex, I had nothing like this on my mind and hadn't come 'prepared'. Additionally, I have found it takes a little while for me to get comfortable around a girl (for sex) so although they have never really presented themselves to me, one night stands have never been something I could have done even had the opportunity arisen. The girl eventually asked me if I had protection to which I replied "No, because that would have been extremely presumptuous of me". She said something along the lines of "that makes me like you even more" and said that I could go to a nearby shop to get protection if I wanted to. She certainly was wanting to have sex but as mentioned above, I didn't feel comfortable (as we'd only been on a couple dates), and also because I knew the sex would have been bad. My sexual experience is very limited (as I discuss later) and I have struggled with PE quite a lot so as it had been such a long time since having sex, the last thing I wanted was for there to be a very disappointing time for the girl. Instead we fooled around a little more but we didn't have sex. As it was then quite late at night I left to go home.

The following week we met on a Thursday evening after work. We went to a small outdoor exhibition - nothing special - and then looked for somewhere for dinner and drinks but I think due to the lovely summer weather, everywhere we went was unfortunately booked so we decided to head to a more central location. Again, we struggled to find somewhere and eventually just called at lunch-timey takeaway place. The evening was pretty anticlimactic and a bit of a damp squib, and eventually we both just headed home. It was all quite frustrating because I'd altered my train ticket plans for that week as I'd been due to head home home on the Thursday evening but because the girl said she was free and wanted to do something, I amended my ticket to Friday evening, which did cost me to change. However, the girl didn't really seem that engaged during the Thursday so I felt it was a waste of my time. Then, late afternoon on the Friday I received a message from the girl asking if I wanted to meet up with her at her flat before I caught my train home home to which I said "Yes". When we met up she mentioned that the previous evening was one to forget, and then things readily turned physical, which made me feel very nervous re: potentially turning down sex for a second time. Therefore, I complied with her advances and suffice it to say the experience was extremely disappointing because I did feel a lot of pressure to perform, something I failed miserably at... I apologised and admitted to the girl it had been quite a while since I'd been with anyone. She seemed quite nonchalant about this and we didn't discuss what I had said, which did frustrate me a little. I was being open and honest (and pretty vulnerable) with her about what could be described as quite an embarrassing subject and not once did she say anything like "Don't worry about it" or "Let's take it steady then and go from there"; just something to boost my confidence, put me at ease, support me at an intimate moment etc.

It would be three weeks (mid-August) until we met up again and I never really got the feeling the girl was enthused about our relationship because it was always me asking if she'd like to meet up and checking when she was free. We went our for dinner and it was very nice, and in person she seemed very 'into' me, quite touchy-feely and when she got off the tube at her stop, she kissed me, which she really didn't have to do.

After that we never met up again. I suggested dates and availability, and certainly wasn't pushy, but her responses were always "No I'm busy", "Let me get back to you" (which she never did) or for those dates she may have been free she then had something else booked when I checked closer to the time. After maybe 3-4 weeks of exchanging sporadic messages like this I just said something light hearted like "Looks like we're not having much luck coordinating diaries. Best that I leave it with you to let me know when you're free if you did want to meet up". She apologised about the situation but I didn't respond further and we didn't exchange messages again. I had actually typed out a message that I never sent to her, something like "Please just let me know if you're not interested in meeting up again. I'd rather know than second guessing or things remaining a bit ambiguous". I'd written this out well before our final message exchange but decided against sending it in case it seemed too pushy.

I then bumped into this girl at the work Christmas party and we spoke very briefly although I can't remember what about as I was pretty drunk at the time. Somehow I managed to message her on the night bus on the journey home - something I have zero recollection of - asking her if she wanted to meet up. She said she was out of the country until late January 2023. When February arrived I sent a message asking if she was free at any time but she said she was heading back out the country for a couple weeks but maybe meet up when she was back. To note, this later message exchange was quite cordial with smiley emojis exchanged. Well a week or so after so came back I messaged her asking if a couple dates were available but she never replied. I never sent her another message.

It was such a weird relationship. We met a few times quite rapidly, she seemed interested and actually said the words "that makes me like you even more", as if she liked me quite a bit already, but then things just seemed to completely fall away. I don't really think that she was particularly interested in me, and words (like those above) are cheap, and she was just looking for sex. I mean I could be wrong but on reflection I think I'm probably right. I just wish that she'd said "Sorry, I'm not really interested in anything particularly serious right now".

The parting 'gift' of this experience was that I managed to contract an STI from this girl from receiving oral sex. Me being a very naive person around sex, I didn't even realise this was possible so not only was the relationship barely a relationship, the physically intimate aspects were disappointing, and I managed to get an STI... Numerous trips to my GP, numerous nurses and medical students looking at my penis, and finally a competent doctor at the sexual health eventually diagnosed me and prescribed some antibiotics so in the end I managed to get sorted. But this will be my definining memory, a slightly flakey girl, another bad sexual experience and an STI... Just fantastic!