happydude619
Member
Firstly, I think I better get back to chatting about P, as I understand this forum to be one that is to do with P
. Well since my slip 3.5 weeks ago the period has been very much a tale of two 'halves'. For the eight days following the slip, each was perfectly clean, albeit it with one NE around the five day mark. After these eight days though the bad habits began clawing their way back in again and it wasn't long before I was watching P once more. It's like if I can be good for a couple days, then hitting a week P-free becomes easy. My libido then starts picking up, temptations return and even wholly non-explicit material becomes a huge draw; from there is quickly snowballs.
Moving onto another topic, which falls into the category of personal reflection from recent journal entries, I recently began thinking about how I view my own worth in a romantic relationship sense. I have spoken about my views on the perception of equality in my two previous relationships - how equal or unequal I felt within them - but my recent thoughts are more focussed on how I view myself against other hypothetical males. Any time probably from my mid- to late-teens onwards, I've almost always had a voice in my head saying 'why would a girl be interested in me when there are probably 1000s of other guys who are far better than me out there and who the girl could choose over me?'. I always seem to put myself in the shoes of the other person and believe that the girl would think 'I could do better [than me]'. I always just think that there is definitely a huge swathe of guys out there who are better looking than me, taller than me, have better jobs than me, have more money than me, live in a nicer place than me, have a better personality than me, are more experienced in the bedroom than me, are far more experienced with relationships than me, have a bigger social network than me, are more adventurous and exciting than me; I could go on and on but I think you get the picture. Basically I put myself down and I judge myself against hypothetical people long before even getting to the point where I'm speaking with a girl, let alone anything else. I don't really like internet dating for a variety of reasons but one is definitely that there's a $hittonne of other guys on there who are some or all of the aforementioned criteria, in particular more attractive than me.
Is this the Avoidant Personality Disorder or the Fear of Rejection at work here? Is this just a self-confidence issue, self-confidence that has been demolished by a lifetime of cruddy experiences? Or is it something completely different? Man, it really sends me down a rabbit hole once my mind gets into the swing of things with all this personal reflection and analysing. On the one hand I find it very useful and sometimes productively painful to work through all this $hit, but other times I really f*cking hate it. I hate that instead of leading a semi-normal life in which I'd had normal relationship experiences and was perhaps in a normal, medium- to long-term relationship, I'm spending hours and hours and hours and hours writing about a whole load of $hit. Is this personal reflection actually doing anything worthwhile aside from allowing me to bask in my sorrows? Seriously, what is it all doing? Is it making my any more pretty? Is it making me any taller? Is it making me better in bed? Is it doing anything AT ALL that is helping me to attractive females? The answer is a resounding "No" so what's the point of it all. Five pages of journal entries and most of it self pity for a whole bunch of $hit. It's shocking how easy it appears for everyone else to finding themselves in a relationship or at least get dates. Me, I'm just some weird aberration and the only logical thought I ever have is "Why am I bothering to continue?". For god sake there'll be swathes of teenagers half my age who will already have been in relationships for a longer period of time than my TOTAL time spent in relationships. And the last time I slept with anyone was more than 1800 days ago; in other words nearly 5 years. It's an absolute f*cking embarrassment, an utter joke. I'm genuinely not sure how much longer I can handle all this, I'm really not. The alternative is to just burst into tears and scream as loud as I can but that isn't going to achieve anything either. Five years ago it was bad enough thinking I'd be single for perhaps a few months again but when I hit the one year single, two years single, three years single and four years single marks the $hit and realisation became more and more real that my life is one gigantic turd. On the brink of surpassing five years single and without sex, I just can't do this any more.
Moving onto another topic, which falls into the category of personal reflection from recent journal entries, I recently began thinking about how I view my own worth in a romantic relationship sense. I have spoken about my views on the perception of equality in my two previous relationships - how equal or unequal I felt within them - but my recent thoughts are more focussed on how I view myself against other hypothetical males. Any time probably from my mid- to late-teens onwards, I've almost always had a voice in my head saying 'why would a girl be interested in me when there are probably 1000s of other guys who are far better than me out there and who the girl could choose over me?'. I always seem to put myself in the shoes of the other person and believe that the girl would think 'I could do better [than me]'. I always just think that there is definitely a huge swathe of guys out there who are better looking than me, taller than me, have better jobs than me, have more money than me, live in a nicer place than me, have a better personality than me, are more experienced in the bedroom than me, are far more experienced with relationships than me, have a bigger social network than me, are more adventurous and exciting than me; I could go on and on but I think you get the picture. Basically I put myself down and I judge myself against hypothetical people long before even getting to the point where I'm speaking with a girl, let alone anything else. I don't really like internet dating for a variety of reasons but one is definitely that there's a $hittonne of other guys on there who are some or all of the aforementioned criteria, in particular more attractive than me.
Is this the Avoidant Personality Disorder or the Fear of Rejection at work here? Is this just a self-confidence issue, self-confidence that has been demolished by a lifetime of cruddy experiences? Or is it something completely different? Man, it really sends me down a rabbit hole once my mind gets into the swing of things with all this personal reflection and analysing. On the one hand I find it very useful and sometimes productively painful to work through all this $hit, but other times I really f*cking hate it. I hate that instead of leading a semi-normal life in which I'd had normal relationship experiences and was perhaps in a normal, medium- to long-term relationship, I'm spending hours and hours and hours and hours writing about a whole load of $hit. Is this personal reflection actually doing anything worthwhile aside from allowing me to bask in my sorrows? Seriously, what is it all doing? Is it making my any more pretty? Is it making me any taller? Is it making me better in bed? Is it doing anything AT ALL that is helping me to attractive females? The answer is a resounding "No" so what's the point of it all. Five pages of journal entries and most of it self pity for a whole bunch of $hit. It's shocking how easy it appears for everyone else to finding themselves in a relationship or at least get dates. Me, I'm just some weird aberration and the only logical thought I ever have is "Why am I bothering to continue?". For god sake there'll be swathes of teenagers half my age who will already have been in relationships for a longer period of time than my TOTAL time spent in relationships. And the last time I slept with anyone was more than 1800 days ago; in other words nearly 5 years. It's an absolute f*cking embarrassment, an utter joke. I'm genuinely not sure how much longer I can handle all this, I'm really not. The alternative is to just burst into tears and scream as loud as I can but that isn't going to achieve anything either. Five years ago it was bad enough thinking I'd be single for perhaps a few months again but when I hit the one year single, two years single, three years single and four years single marks the $hit and realisation became more and more real that my life is one gigantic turd. On the brink of surpassing five years single and without sex, I just can't do this any more.