hey imsorrynotsorry, thanks for the reply. Really appreciate the comments and thoughts.
It seems the whole situation with your friends frustrates you a lot and i can understand that so well. It's good you come here and write it down. I hope this is helping you. I must say, i know a friend who gone silent in the lockdown and no one suspected anything. After a week i called him, talked with him and later met him for talking clear. He explained me a lot of his situations, etc. what i want to say is, i turned to him to ask him about him and he didn't tell me on his own. Both sides should communicate, your friends are suspecting things i guess, have you ever told them truly how you feel? This is the only way, at least for me.
I think even if I didn't have a PA, I find writing down my thoughts in a journal really quite helpful and often therapeutic. So yes, it certainly does help. It's almost like that Pensieve thing in the Harry Potter books, I have so many memories and thoughts in my mind that it's useful to have a place to store them and free up my brain for other more important things.
In the case of my friends, only one has really messaged with any regularity (like every few weeks or so), often saying nothing more than "hello". A few days ago I finally responded to one of his messages, one in which he said I should message as I've not engaged in the group chat for 8 months now. I said very little, just that I had nothing to 'message' about - he has since replied but I don't really want to engage any more. He said I should speak up if I need to talk about anything but I'm not really up for discussing all my grievances or sharing my feelings, particularly via WhatsApp. I think if I did discuss all of my feelings right now, people would just take great offence. I suppose my list of almost rhetorical questions would be:
- "Do you know how it feels to lose all your independence after leaving your flat share (since the pandemic hit) and moving back in with your parents?"
- "Do you know how it feels to have lived in flats and house shares for the past two years where you never feel at ease, can't sleep properly and wouldn't feel comfortable bring a girl back?"
- "Do you know how it feels to still view your parents' home as your actual home because that is the only place you feel totally at ease?"
- "Do you know how it feels to still not live somewhere that you can call your own?"
- "Do you know how it feels to go on nights out as the only single person and be the only one in the group that doesn't attract female attention?"
- "Do you know how it feels on nights out when you say you'll 'wingman' me for the evening?"
- "Do you know how it feels to be unattractive?"
- "Do you know how it feels to have never lived with someone (a romantic partner)?
- "Do you know how it feels when the group organises a group getaway and it's everyone with their partners and then just you as the one singleton?"
- "Do you know how it feels to have not been on a date nor had sex in well over four years?"
- "Do you know how it feels when you could probably count the amount of times you've had sex in your life on your fingers and toes?"
- "Do you know how it feels to have never really been in a serious relationship?"
- "Do you know how it feels to have never been on any sort of weekend away or holiday with a romantic partner?"
- "Do you know how it feels to have had such a poor record when it comes to attracting girls, and with relationships in general, that now you're in your thirties you truly believe that you will be single for the rest of your life?"
- "Do you know how it feels when we're supposed to do things as a guy group and all your partners come along?"
- "Do you know how it feels to see everyone in long term relationships, married and with children and you are long-term single, still don't have a place of you're own and essentially still live at home?"
- "Do you know how it feels to be in yours thirties and have all the above feelings?"
I've kind of gone off on a slight tangent but the above list - which i have to say did get me quite emotional writing it (including angry and sad) - is pretty much what I would want to get off my chest, so to speak. And to me, the worst - literally the worst - response someone could give me to any of the above would be a sentimental or 'reassuring' platitude: "Someone will come along for you"; "You're not ugly, it's what's inside that counts". etc etc. No one can do anything about the above. It's my life and no one else's so it seems totally pointless to share these things, particularly as they are possibly quite embarrassing and are things I'd rather people not know.
I suppose to conclude, what with only one person in my group maintaining some form of communication, I am highly sceptical when he says that others are interested in what's going on with me. I may be completely wrong but it seems like the 'concern' is more from a gossipy angle and so I have no intention of sharing thoughts and feelings that could be circulated as gossip. I'm having a mentally challenging time right now to put it mildly so I think being the subject of gossip just isn't something I could handle on top of everything else. Hence, keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself is the safest option for me. And besides, I would confidently bet large quantities of money that the response from my friends to maybe 90-95% of the above list would be: "No I don't know how it feels". Maybe something will come along that makes me change my mind but right now, I don't feel comfortable or confident enough to publicly air anything in the above list.