Started Friday July 3rd

[Andrew1973]

I'm working on a project for work where I normally would have reached out constantly for guidance/opinions because of the fear of fucking it up or looking like I was incompetent or weak (like I said, I watched Brene Brown).

I can relate to this! Will give Brene Brown a watch - thanks. I can recommend 'Feel the Fear and do it anyway' by Susan Jeffers which really helped me, as did the following quote:

?I?ve missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I?ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times, I?ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I?ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.?
Michael Jordan

As for tomorrow (today now, I guess?)- good luck . As you've correctly identified you can't lose - you either win now or learn (win later). Well done for putting yourself out there! Let us know how it goes.

 

[TheNorman]

Well, I finished the project I was talking about. In the past I would have not only not really put myself out there on something like that, but even the parts that I would have had more of a stake in, I would have played it off like it didn't really matter if people didn't like it. Then I'd also be crushed, even though I knew I could have put more effort into it. Well, with this project, I took a lot of chances, tried a lot of new things, basically went for it, and...

It went so well I am still basking in it. My whole team loved it. I had members outside of the team working on it comment on how amazed they were, one in particular reached out through chat and asked how I was able to do it all, this is my (slightly edited in bold to remove names/details) response:
1. The work didn't take as long as it could have in the past as I get more comfortable with the software.

2. Coworker jumped in and basically did all of the second big part of the other large job that I had set time aside to do so I was able to spend time during the day on it
(This alone is huge because in the past I wouldn't have been able to get my shit together to even be in a position to get help from someone else)

3. I am at the beginning of a personal journey that includes therapy as well as limiting stuff like Reddit, Youtube etc so that's given me a lot more time
(He was incredibly supportive and happy for me to know I was working on improving my mental health)

In the two weeks since I've been on this journey, I'm so much better at my job it's unreal. Helps when you're not zoning out and surfing the web mindlessly half the day. I not only did that project that everyone loved (myself included. It's nice to be excited about something like that and then proud of how it turned out), I got all my other work done including stuff that's not due until next week. That's just during the day, at night I'm ploughing through books instead of more mindless internet surfing that always ended up at PMO eventually. Fighting PMO has had so many positive effects. I'm incredibly grateful for my awesome coworkers, I'm grateful for all of you on here who help me talk through this stuff, I'm grateful to my partner who has been amazingly understanding as much as all of this also hurts like hell and most of all I'm grateful to have this chance to change my life for the better. See you all tomorrow. It's another great day for fighting.

 

[Andrew1973]

What a great outcome TheNorman. Celebrating with you! Well done.

 

[TheNorman]

Today started out rough. Obviously through all this my relationship with my SO needs a lot of work, communication being the biggest thing, and instead of talking about some plans to get some stuff done I just kind of left it and that left my SO worried that I was regressing back into old patterns. It didn't help that I told her that a woman we both know had triggered some searches in the past for PMO because of certain aspects of her body. That's the thing about porn, you look at someone who has some physical attribute that you're attracted to and they cease to become a human being, just T & A or whatever else. That stuff is incredibly hard for her to hear and increasingly strange to me to know that's how I used to think of people. Porn was such a false reality for me and it really affected how I looked at women. I'm avoiding people right now because I just don't know how I will handle it, and when I can't avoid people it's a lot of mindfulness exercises of "She is a person, with real person problems and concerns" and asking myself questions like "Where is she going? What kind of job does she have" etc. There is so much work to be done, but like I've said, I would rather work hard at something good and be tired from that, rather than being tired from working hard at hiding stuff that's bad.

 

[TheNorman]

What a great weekend this turned out to be. Started on Friday when I submitted a project that turned out great, Saturday started rough but I worked through it with my SO and the rest of the day was amazing. Played outside with the kids, had a beer on the porch with the SO, read more of my book. Today hit the hardware store and got a bunch of lumber for a restoration project, passed a few women out for a jog and didn't look over or get any thoughts in my head other than "That's smart running early like that when it's so humid today". Had a great time outside racing around with the kids. Got some stuff done around the house. No flashes or urges today although I do have to say my testicles feel a little sore today (I did do a bunch of squats and bag work the other day though for the first time in a while so it could be that too).

Just really feeling good. Making good decisions, focusing on continuing to improve myself. Thanks again for being here for me. I appreciate having you all in my corner. Going to go into this week ready to kick some ass!

 

[TheNorman]

Another positive day. A little different too. Waiting on two large projects to get handed off so in a holding pattern without much work today. In the past that would have meant hours of mindless internet surfing with some porn mixed in. Instead, I finished some coworker assessments, organized a bunch of files, updated a bunch of software...just did the kind of stuff I should do on slower days but never get around to.

As for you UK lads: I don't know what any of the terms or teams you're referring to means. "Scouser" MCFC etc. I'm just catching on to "PMO" "SO" etc. Where's the glossary for that soccer stuff?

 

[Andrew1973]

Especially for you TheNorman....

Scouser - someone from Liverpool who supports either Everton or Liverpool (I was wrong about UKWIP, he is Everton)
Geordie - a Newcastle fan
MCFC - my team, Manchester City. The equivalent of Scouser/Geordie for me is 'Manc' short for Mancunian, which also applies to Manchester United fans.

'Scousers' and 'Mancs' as a generalisation have what could be described as a fierce rivalry for a range of historical reasons. Liverpool and Manchester United have a particularly hostile relationship. Also local rivalries are evident - Man City and Man Utd don't like each other, and although a little less fraught, Liverpool and Everton are also not best of friends.

Unfortunately Liverpool took the Premiership title away from Manchester City this season (first time they have won it in 30 years), so I suspect that both WIPUK and I have similar feelings about that one, and therefore a temporary sense of unity!

If all of that doesn't completely put you off, we can suggest a team for you if you'd like based on favourite colour/area/fan stereotype/whether you like the underdog etc!!! The only danger is that if you get too absorbed by it, team losses can lead to depressive episodes and PMO triggers!!

 

[TheNorman]

I'm a big hockey guy and my team is pretty piss-pour these days, although thanks to COVID they qualified for the play-in round when in reality they wouldn't have had a sniff at the playoffs.

Although I am quiet curious about all the slang and terms involved in English Premier, there is little to no chance I will watch it. It's not the game itself because I enjoy playing it the odd times that it's going on, and the fans enthusiasm adds to the experience. It's the diving. Seeing guys thrashing around every time someone grazes their shin pad, trying to get a free-kick or a card against the "assailant" just makes it unwatchable for me. That sort of thing happens in hockey, but the league calls them out and fines them for it, the punishment to the "assailant" that caused them to dive is less severe and the chances of a player repeatedly diving becomes much less when the game itself allows someone to grab that "diver" during the next faceoff and punch the ever-loving-shit out of them.
Radical honesty time: I have embellished contact in hockey on multiple occasions. That's probably why I dislike it so much. It holds a mirror up to part of me that I can't stand!

All that being said if I cheered for a team it would probably be whoever is closest to Oxford (where some of my family traces back to).

 

[Andrew1973]

Oxford United it is TheNorman! They are in League 1 (3rd tier, but just missed out on promotion).
The diving is a lot better than it used to be in the Premier League since they introduced a video referee, but I know what you mean.
I went to see a local ice hockey game a couple of years ago - quite enjoyed it but it is very much a peripheral sport in the UK.
Hope the week is going well for you.

 

[TheNorman]

Oxford United! I didn't know about video referees being part of the game now, that is good to hear. I have had "world cup fever" in the past. Who knows? Maybe part of my growth and acceptance of myself means letting go of things that would have me feeling "above" sports or books or whatever. My daughter is reading Harry Potter and it was one of those things I turned my nose up at just because it was so popular, but I recognized that was some kind of "hipster-too-cool-for-school" negativity that doesn't help me.

As for where I'm at: I'm feeling really good. My balls still ache a little but I haven't PMO'd since July 2nd and MO'd since July 4th so this is the longest I have gone without either since I MO'd at 14 years old. I'm much more present with my family, I'm much more focused in my work, other than my balls I feel quite good health-wise even though I haven't been as active as I like. COVID and working on the mental/emotional side has taken priority.

And as for hockey: I can definitely see that it's very much a third-tier sport in the UK. I'm Canadian, where it's #1 (and probably #2,3,4...) We do love basketball and baseball and football and soccer but hockey is a very omnipresent cultural presence. Live hockey games are by far the best way to watch the game. The speed, intensity and roughness are all lost a little on TV.

Thanks again for your support UKGuy. I appreciate having you on my side of the pitch! (That's a thing right?!)

 

[TheNorman]

A death in the family and some online arguments with my dad; in the past both could easily have been triggers to allow myself to wallow in some self-pity. Instead both were handled with acknowledging the emotion, but applying logic to not let the emotion overcome me. (In case you can't tell, I had another therapy session!)

My therapist and I are going to part ways as I move onto the next step which is EMDR. I both dread and look forward to it. I'm feeling really good though, and want improvement to be my new dopamine high. I got a run in tonight too which felt good as I have been neglecting the physical a bit too much lately.

 

[TheNorman]

Very busy day which helps with the mind staying focused. Was frustrated with some coworkers not getting back to me about stuff that prevented me from getting some work done but vented to my SO and moved on to other work and it was fine. Balls feel better in case anyone was wondering so was either just in my head or was indeed from doing squats after not doing them for a long time. I've scheduled an appointment with my new therapist; the one that EMDR may happen with. As my current therapist calls it: Levelling up.

Feel rock solid at the moment. Enjoying reading Harry Potter, thinking about getting into "football" and haven't PMO'd in 20 days. Three things I wouldn't have imagined 21 days ago.

Go Yellows! (Thanks to the Oxford United wikipedia page for the nickname reference)

 

[workinprogressUK]

I thought their nickname was "The U's", TheNorman, but it's a noble cause. Much more credible to support a lower-league side than a preening bunch of multi-millionaires from The Premier League. Gotta love hockey, though; a sport where punching a dude repeatedly in the face is only a mild misdemeanour.

Sounds like you're really embracing some changes, throwing yourself into it, and finding some real strength to achieve your objectives despite work and family headaches. Great work. Hope you have a solid weekend!

 

[Joel]

Blimme, Oxford Utd, that takes me back; think they had a good cup run in the 80s?

Glad to hear about the progress. Onward!

 

[TheNorman]

The "Yellows" seemed a bit odd but at least "chant-able." Go "U's" will take some getting used to I guess.

Had another good day but maybe not as present as I can be. Sports starting up is both a welcomed and dreaded distraction as I worry I will swing too much over to it as way to fill the void. I had a large volume of work this week that I finished...early. Felt odd but when I look back at how much I used to surf around on the web or walk around talking to coworkers it makes sense.

Noticed a few guys haven't been around for a bit on here. Hope they're doing ok, and if not hope to see them back so we can help support them and they can let us in on the challenges they've faced. Maybe it's sports coming back online but I definitely feel like we're a team here.

 

[TheNorman]

Bit of a different day today. I could have easily let my mind and eyes wander which in the past would have been a huge trigger. We went on a social distance visit/walk with some family at a park. Lots of women around, swimming or walking their dogs. Thanks to the great conversation I was having and my focus on not objectifying women, I wasn't phased or looking at any of them. It felt good, like I was very much in control of my thoughts and actions. Not something I could say only a short while ago. On the walk I was talking with my cousins partner who I get along with great. I told him some of my stuff about therapy and what I am working on. (Again nothing about porn as it's still very much a family issue in that it does affect my SO, but the time will come where I can be open about that too.) He was so supportive and we had some nice discussions about toxic masculinity and how men are really conditioned to not deal with emotions properly. That's three men (outside of this forum) that I've opened up to a bit about my struggles and all three have been amazing. Having those guys react so positively really reaffirms that I'm not alone in my journey.

Here's to a good Sunday to go along with today!

 

[TheNorman]

I'm not sure I wrote about this before, but part of my coping with feelings of inadequacy and shame, I would lie to avoid confrontation or conflict. I racked up quite a bit of credit card debt from just not paying attention to how much was on the card as well as some impulse buying. Rather than just talk to my SO about it, I hid it from her and took out a lower interest loan to try and make it go away. Well, when my house of cards came tumbling down and I confessed about how much porn had become an issue I also let her know about this money that I owed. She has been incredibly understanding and patient and that has helped me get it down to almost nothing. It will be paid off by the end of this month. Living without secrets and lies has made my quality of life just so much better in every way imaginable. I wouldn't say it's easier by any means. It takes a lot of work, but it's so much more fulfilling.

Hope you all had a great weekend!

 

[Andrew1973]

It seems as if you are going through a real period of personal growth TheNorman and in doing so, discovering the real authentic you. It's great to see. I agree with your comments around the forum being a bit quiet at the moment. Perhaps its reflective of people's spirits generally - covid fatigue and all? I think there's also a natural ebb and flow of enthusiasm and engagement as with all things in life. I'm feeling a bit of that at the moment I suppose. I make sure I log in every day as I think that's a good practice that keeps my journey front of mind, and it's always great to read how you and others are doing even if I don't reply on that particular day. Have a great week and keep up the inspiring good work my friend!

 

[workinprogressUK]

Sounds like a solid weekend, TheNorman. Nice one! Glad to read that "Living without secrets and lies" has made such a positive impact for you. I think life's less stressful that way.... in the end. No more needing to cover the tracks and worry about being found out. Have a good week. Up the U's!!!

 

[TheNorman]

Pretty good day, thoughts were good, work was slow but I was able to fill the time productively instead of using it as an excuse to surf around and find trouble.
The weekend was great, had some quality time with my SO.

*Trigger warning/question*.
I have MO'd and PMO'd 6/7 days on average since I was 14. The longest streak of not doing either was probably a week at best. Since July 3rd I have MO'd twice, both after spending some "quality time" with my SO and then using that as my fuel for MO (she was aware that I would be doing so as well). Both times I was completely present in my thoughts about her and my desire to be with her. I do worry that at some point I will MO and my thoughts will flash to porn which would feel like a step back but like I said, the two times were entirely about my SO in my mind and I felt no remorse after either time. My SO and I haven't had sex since this started either because I can't guarantee that my mind won't wander to porn. Is MO and or sex something that you guys have avoided for those reasons and if so when did you feel like you could without it being an issue?

Interested to hear any insights you guys may have.