Thanks UK! As I went to bed I realized that a lot of you fine lads already exist in the future! Back is even better today. Really noticing the tightness in my hamstrings and calves which is good because those are workable.
The therapy session was an absolute blubber-fest. We tackled a memory that even before therapy caused me to cry whenever I remembered it. It still hurts, it's still a bit raw but after EMDR and working through a lot of it I feel like I've broken some of it's spell.
To those of you reading this, it will not sound nearly as traumatic to you as it felt for me at the time.
When I was 6 or 7 years old we lived on a street with a little park right across from where we lived. Me and my siblings would play there, unsupervised, for hours (as kids tended to do in the 80's I guess). Another boy was there and he asked if I wanted to go to his house and I did. We talked and walked and I must not have paid much attention to where we were going because after it was time to go home I had no idea where I was or how to get back home. I wandered around and finally (despite the fear of what the stranger would say or do) I went and knocked on someones door and asked them to help me. They got on the phone and called what I assume was the police and I was able to get back home. When I got there my parents were so relieved and were crying and I was crying and then as punishment for going to this kids house without asking my father put me over his knee and spanked me.
Doesn't sound like much to get worked up over does it?
Well in my session, as we went through all of this I realized that when I was lost I was terrified. It was dark, I didn't know what to do as I had wandered around trying to find my street for what felt like an eternity. That memory is etched into my memory. I can see the house clearly, and if I wanted to I might even be able to find it on Google street view, I remember it that vividly. I also don't remember how I did get home from there. Did my parents come get me? Did the police? You'd think those parts would be there too but they're not. So that's part one.
Part two is how relieved I was to get home, how much my parents were crying when I ran to them and hugged them. This part feels very vivid too but it feels more detached (like watching a movie) whereas the part where I'm lost I can see it from my own eyes.
Part three is when my dad took me over his knee and spanked me. This part is the most detached and the most traumatic. Not from being spanked, I was a rough-and-tumble kid and would have gotten over it quickly if it was something I felt was justified. What hurt me then and has continued to stay in my mind is the betrayal I felt. There I was, this little kid, who was terrified and so relieved to be home and I was being punished for something after what was the scariest moment of my young life.
I have had a lot of issues with disassociation throughout my life but when I think back I see clearly that this moment is when I felt like these people that were supposed to love and protect me and betrayed me so deeply that I could no longer trust them. A 7 year old child realizing that to protect themselves they had to make sure that those same people could never see me make a mistake because deserving of punishment or not they could not be trusted. I had this sick vision of my sad anguished face pulling on a mask and promising to myself that they would never see that face underneath again. At the time I don't think the religion stuff really was a big factor but with all that stuff as a precursor it makes sense that rather than ever rock the boat and ask questions or make mistakes I hid it, swallowed it all. I am a very positive person. I am a chatty, happy, outgoing and friendly. I always have been but after I started my reboot everything about myself has been thrown into question. If I could watch porn and keep it a secret from everyone what other things about myself weren't true? I lied constantly about every little thing to avoid that confrontation and judgement and disappointing look. What else about me was a lie?
That single moment of my childhood casted a shadow over my entire life. For me recovery isn't just about addiction. Addiction is a symptom of a much larger problem. I am working on finding out who I really am and being genuine and truthful to that person. I am learning to love and appreciate the person that I am. I am learning to deal with anything that comes my way as the strong, capable man that I know I can be. Revisiting 30+ years of memories and traumas and wins and losses and seeing them as they were: Things that happened to me that I handled the best way I knew how to at the time. I still feel embarrassed or sad or remorseful but most importantly I remind myself that I got to where I am now despite all of that.
I'm not using PMO to escape my thoughts. I'm not using fantasy to avoid dealing with things that feel like they're too hard to handle. I feel like I am really me, I am really here, I am taking care of business. I'm finding a better way to be.
You might feel like you're broken. You might feel like getting beyond porn isn't worth all the pain and effort. I'm telling you that you are not broken. You are not a lost cause. You are a person who like me, allowed something fake to replace a reality that seemed too real. Let's keep it real, knowing that the reward is so worth the effort. Thanks for reading and thanks for being here for me.
