Journal

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Sanders

Active Member
What times and where are you usually relapsing? Is it in a specific location where you can be without a device to access porn? Is it at a time where some time lock can help? I don't bring my phone in the bathroom or bedroom with me, unless I'm reading some news when my wife is there too or something like that. For the rest it's in the living room. Additionally there's blocking software so it wouldn't even be possible but I think it's good practice anyways.

I've used this Fortify programme to help with the addiction and it has some really good techniques and tips. It also introduces choice points. There's always a couple of choices you make that will inevitably lead to porn and the earlier you notice this  the easier it is to stop. For example it starts with browsing the internet mindlessly, then you click on some suggestive article about something not even related to porn, you dive deeper into it by finding other information, find more suggestive content, go to some private place, open an incognito browser and back to porn. Plenty of choices that are made that could be stopped by identifying when you're entering the circle towards relapsing. I hope this way of seeing things may help you.

It sucks to dissapoint someone you care so much about, that's a strong feeling within you. Hold on to that! Do you have someone to talk to that isn't your girlfriend? Might help to talk with a professional or someone else to get some insights.
 
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wwalker19

Active Member
Thanks Sanders, I'll check out Fortify.  The problem is as a graduate student during quarantine I spend pretty much all day every day in front of my laptop alone in my apartment.  For the past two weeks I was very solid, but what triggered me this time was realizing that my blocking software was completely nonfunctional for whatever reason.  I think just knowing I have access gives me a lot of anxiety on top of the trigger itself, so if this happens again I will close my laptop and leave the room and just sit with my gf to get it ironed out.  Can't be alone in that situation.

I am now seeking help from a professional, which will hopefully help.  I am working on finding space outside of my apartment to work which will help.  I am still solid on my routines of meditation and exercise, I'm sticking to those.  I realized that being isolated has been a huge trigger for me in general these past two months, and I am going to make contact with several friends from college and just try to call people regularly.  I am also attempting to set up essentially an online groupcall with others from my program so we can chat while working online, the next best thing to working with other people.  My accountability partner Kayden has been very helpful to me, so thanks to him for that.

This is a turning point for me.  I've said it before but I won't have to say it again.  Today is the last day 1.
 
Chris Oz

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
We believe in you man.

You gotta find ways to cut off time with your laptop if you're using online.

If you must do study or research then it should be in the presence of your girlfriend or any other accountability partner
 
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wwalker19

Active Member
Today is day 2.  Day one went well, and things are surprisingly good with my gf.  It means a lot that you all are keeping up with me, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Today I was filling out an application to do work on campus amidst the shutdown (I have to apply to use the services of the university that I'm paying 70K to.  Fucking ridiculous.)  In it it asked for a clear and detailed reason why I needed to access campus and how consistently.  I was wondering whether or not to lie about this.  In the end I just wrote it, that I am in recovery from an addiction to pornography and isolation is incredibly detrimental to my wellbeing.  I don't know if I'll get it or not, but I'm glad I didn't lie or omit it.  That's the bare truth of it, and I won't be ashamed about it.  Fuck the stigma.

Anyway, things are good.  They'll be better if I can work outside of my apartment, but we'll see.  Keep it together everyone. 
 
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anubu0

Active Member
Woah! That takes a lot of guts. You opened up with your problem to complete strangers, and truly embraced it. Kudos to you, thats super impressive. Hopefully you get the workspace... I think this will help you tremendously.

Best of luck and stay STRONG!
 
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wwalker19

Active Member
Day three, things are looking great.  I'm feeling great this time.  I got the workspace just a few hours after putting in the app, so it was totally worth being honest.  That alone made my day.  I think being out of my apartment is going to make a really big difference.  I'm not going to be able to just jerk off whenever!  That's pretty handy. 

I'm on top of things this time.  I intend to keep it this way.

We're in this together!  Thank you everyone who has kept up with me and helped me through this, your support means so much to me.
 
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wwalker19

Active Member
Today is day four. It's going smoothly this time around.  I began struggling last time around here, and I'm feeling good.  I'm sticking to my routines as usual, exercising, meditating, journaling, keeping in touch with everyone who helps me through this.  I am feeling confident this time. 

Not much else to say, except that I'll be doing a lot of reading today.  hope to be productive!

We're in this together.
 
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anubu0

Active Member
I can already see the difference between this and your previous journeys. This is THE reboot for you. Happy that you are getting your life back, you got this.
 
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wwalker19

Active Member
Thanks man.  Today is day five.  I meant to go to campus today, I had gotten a foldable bike and I tried it out this morning.  Oh boy, is it hard.  The tiny wheels take so much more effort to go as far as a regular bike!  I went fifteen blocks and had to turn around, I was so exhausted.  I was soaked by the time I got home, fair to say it was a defeat.  My girlfriend thought it was the funniest thing in the world.  Safe to say next time I'll drive.

Things are going well this time.  I'm feeling good about this reboot, things are going well.  Been exercising a lot lately, it feels good.  I'm going to keep it up, because now I'm investing in my best self!

 
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Newman28

Member
wwalker19 said:
Thanks man.  Today is day five.  I meant to go to campus today, I had gotten a foldable bike and I tried it out this morning.  Oh boy, is it hard.  The tiny wheels take so much more effort to go as far as a regular bike!  I went fifteen blocks and had to turn around, I was so exhausted.  I was soaked by the time I got home, fair to say it was a defeat.  My girlfriend thought it was the funniest thing in the world.  Safe to say next time I'll drive.

Things are going well this time.  I'm feeling good about this reboot, things are going well.  Been exercising a lot lately, it feels good.  I'm going to keep it up, because now I'm investing in my best self!
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HEY WWAlker!

So i have gotten back on here to see your progress and check what is going on cause I remember how much you were struggling in the beginning. This is my opinion why you keep messing up and relapsing. I am basically TELLING you to download "Covenant Eyes" it is 16/month and I HIGHLY RECOMMEND you to put your GF and whoever else as your accountability partner and they would have the passwords and get blurred screenshots of what you look at EVERY DAY. Without Covenant Eyes I would have not made it to almost day 80. With Covenant Eyes you need someone on your account that if you looked at Porn and they got the report that you looked at sexual material that you would feel ashamed and embarrassed. It doesnt block the websites it just tracks them so you can look at P if you want to but all your accountability partners will be notified immediately and regardless and you will have to explain to them. I have 4 friends connected to my account so if I choose to look I will have to explain 4 times what happened and I dont consider that act worth it. AT ALL.

This is just my opinion! I will also recommend journaling too and doing push ups when you get the urge. I am not lying sometimes I will hop out of be ever so randomly because I will get a flashback or hear or get very violent urges. It helps me concentrate on something else.
 
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wwalker19

Active Member
Hey Newman!  Thanks for checking in.  I appreciate it.  I like covenant eyes, but I am currently using Qustodio instead for a couple of reasons.  It also functions as a blocker but sends screen reports to my accountability partner, so I am held accountable.  Covenant eyes is also a bit expensive, though perhaps it would be worth it anyway if it would make a difference. 

Regardless, I am on day six currently.  I have begun exercising an hour and a half every day for six days a week which is helping.  Putting my energy into something productive and demanding helps a lot.  The past six days have been pretty easy too, whereas previous times when I even made it a few days in I struggled. 

My current coaching program is helpful too.  I paid a lot to do it but honestly it helps keep me dedicated to it.  Feeling good this time. 
 
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wwalker19

Active Member
Day seven!  One week feels good.  It has not been hard like the previous attempts.  Ive been exercising a lot lately which I definitely think has helped.  I've been maintaining better boundaries too, where I don't bring technology into my bedroom where I can close the door.  And I''ve been getting more aware of my thoughts in general.  I'm still wary, and there have been a couple of instances where I have had pretty strong urges, but things are good right now honestly, and I intend to keep them that way.

Weirdly though, I have been having a lot of unpleasant dreams.  Many that I relapsed, many in which I was hurt.  Some where my family was hurt.  It's been odd.  Other than that things are good.

We're in this together!
 
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anubu0

Active Member
Relapse nightmares suck! I had one a few days back and they are miserable. Keep going will you got this!
 
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wwalker19

Active Member
Today is day nine!  Feeling good this time.  A higher level of exercise makes a big difference.  I think it's helping in a lot of ways. 

I think I have realized that porn has served me in a lot of ways to help me feel powerful.  When I am stressed or feel overwhelmed, I find comfort in being able to get away, being able to see a woman objectified in whatever way I want.  It makes me feel powerful so see intense BDSM, gives me a feeling of control when I don't feel in control. 

So I want my own power.  Power to move away from porn, and for me I think exercising a lot is the way.  I am proud of myself every day when I exercise.  When I look at myself in the mirror I like what I see, which is not something I always experience.  I feel stable and happy and it keeps my eyes on the prize. 

My best friend suffered from alcoholism, and began exercising 12 hours a week, and now is an actual bodybuilder.  He's recovered now for over a year.  So I am going to take a page out of his book.  Routines and systems are great, but ultimately I need to pursue one thing with more intensity than I watched porn, and exercise is it.  Plus if I get jacked that's  pretty dope bonus.

We're in this together.  Thanks all.
 
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