Journal

wwalker19

Active Member
Hey all,

today is day 10.  Going very well.  I'm happy right now.  I'm not driven by fear or anxiety of relapse.  I am moving forward this time by meeting my need for power in a healthier way.  It's not enough for me to say I am strong enough, I need to show myself.  The exercise is really excellent. 

Things are looking up.  I won't get overconfident though.  I was thinking the other day about PMO, how badly I didn't want to, how I didn't like it.  Then I was like "who am I kidding!?"  Of course I like it and of course I want to.  That's what addiction is.  Recovery is growing past what I want and like when I see it isn't healthy for me.  The fact of the matter is I like it and it's fun and I can have it whenever I want.  But it doesn't serve me.  It is detrimental to my life and I am learning healthier ways of living than through PMO.  I'm never going to get to a point where I don't feel triggers, and porn is always going to seem appealing in a way.  That's just the way it is.  But I am finding a better way of living without it and that is the bottom line, no argument. 

We're in this together.
 

Kraken

Well-Known Member
Hey Walker!

Just read through the first and last page of your journal (hope to read the rest when I have more time).  I think your honesty with the people you love about your struggles with porn is really significant.  Also, getting professional help and investing energy to find habits that replace pmo urges is another great sign.  These are hard things to do but they really work.

Urges and relapse nightmares still happen with me but infrequently now.  And when they do happen I tend to move on and not think about it much.

I see you've put a lot of thought into what you will do to not use porn.  I'd encourage you to think about who you will be as a non porn user. 

This is an idea I learned from the atomic habits book.  For example, for someone trying to stop smoking. 

Someone offers a cigarette and the person replies "No thanks, I'm not a smoker."  This is different than "I'm trying to quit smoking".

Something to think about,

Keep up the great work!

squid

 

wwalker19

Active Member
THat's a really great perception shift, Squid, I like that. 

Today is day 11, but oh boy was yesterday tough.  I am writing a large paper and I just couldn't get rid of the urges yesterday.  I got away from my laptop, did other things, played guitar, exercised, but every time I came back the urges came with them.  I realized it's because since I was thirteen I so strongly associated academic writing with porn.  Long stressful process with creative blocks and 'high' academic stakes?  yeah that's a great time for you to use porn for comfort (so says my brain). 

So here's the thing.  I need to learn how to handle this trigger healthily, because it's not going away.  I can't just get away from it like I can with other triggers, the paper has got to get written.  But now being aware of it helps so much, yesterday all day I was like what the fuck is the problem!  Why won't it go away?

Well now I know.  not sure exactly what I'll do about it, but I'll have a plan in a day or two.  If anyone has suggestions, let me know!

We're in this together brothers.  Keep pushing as Chris says.
 

anubu0

Active Member
Hey will.

That's really interesting. I never knew you could be triggered by an activity that was so unrelated to p. I think most of my triggers just arise from being bored so I just try to keep busy. If its possible, maybe try to write papers and do research when you are in the presence of others?? I don't really know the best approach but Im glad you found this trigger.
 

wwalker19

Active Member
Hey Kayden,

A lot of the difficulties I have had through this process are that I use porn for a lot of unhealthy reasons, not just to get off.  It has grown to be how I handle stress in general, anxiety, feeling powerless and overwhelmed, any bad feeling whatsoever.  It's really dug in.  A lot of this process has just been realizing what triggers me and why, and what I can do to healthily replace that need.

In the line of work I am pursuing, writing is inevitable.  I will always need to do it, and so this is something I must work through.  Working around others is certainly a good idea, I am going to try to get onto campus to be in public more but it is difficult amidst the pandemic.  We'll see how it goes.
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Hey Walker, I'm glad you're still pushing.

One way to handle the urges is just to reflect... I did recently and I talked about it a lot in my journal.

First let me say I experience this a lot, like a lot. You see the urges and flashbacks coming on, you try to get positive and engage in useful activities. Maybe you read a book, exercise or just go out for a walk, but immediately you stop or even during the activities these urges still come back to hunt you. It like a series of attack, you get through the first, the next wave comes and so on and so on. Hell I've gotten these waves while I'm praying to God himself.... nothing helps and then maybe you get a break or you just relapse.

One thing I have noticed though is that, this kind of urges although not caused necessarily all the time by what I'm about to say, comes as a result of:

1. Recent middle circle activities that just comes back to hunt you
2. A silent series of triggers that you haven't met go or didn't rebuke out of your mind as soon as they came on, this could sometimes be really easy mindles triggers, vanilla stuff that seem harmless. You may not even know they are triggers, but they just lead to something else and something else and then they are all in your head and awaken a flash back or memory.

One thing I will tell you before I focus on my solution is that I just found is that

It will pass!

It may take 7 waves or less maybe even more. But the waters will eventually settle.

Now how to get through this, what works and helps.

For me I've come to realize that it is reflection like I said in the beginning.

The first step is
Get in the forum and read success stories and what others are going through and how they are holding in and the rest. Connect to the community. In PAA,the second forum I am part of I get loads and loads of this in one thread of people posting their check-ins. It's really helpful.

I think it helps you to get your mind of what you're going though at the moment and focus on what others are passing through, their wins and hopes and fails. And the energy helps you realize the ills of Porn, how it's destroying lives, relationships and marriages, why you need to put in extra effort not to let this take over to keep striving, it really just put a break on the urges for a while.

Then the next step is to reflect on what is going on right now, in your mind by journaling yourself.

Write out what you're feeling, what you did, what you're thinking of doing,how you feel about it. Everything. Really take time to do this. Get to understand what's really going on in your mind. Why you feel the way you do. What you think could be the right steps to take, but why it's hard to do so. Your hopes and your dreams for this recovery, for your life. How you may feel if you actually decide to relapse. Would it make things better? Would you feel better? Maybe the struggles up till that point, your streak?

Just write them all out.

As you constructively think about how you feel, it deflates that urge like never before. It's good on you weakens fast and it's hard for it to make another wave and if it does so it just a weak that didn't even last and you know why this happens, it's because now you've remembered your Why, And why you started in the first place!

So that's it. I hope this helps you as much as I've realized it is helping me. I truly feel it will.

Keep pushing back Walker!
Chris
 

wwalker19

Active Member
Hey Chris, that response is really exceptional.  I can tell you've really put a lot of things together over the past week.  I think laying it out like that really will help with moving forward.  Yesterday was very difficult, not gonna lie.  But I'm here, on day 12 and proud of it.

I have decided to organize my posts a bit more to double as a bit of motivation and planning for my days. 

Today, I only need to make it until ~ 5P.M, in about 3 hours.  Not much time, I can do that easy. 

I need to write a rough draft of my policy memo.  It doesn't need to be perfect, it'll be shitty but writing is a process and I'll touch it up over the next couple of days. 
My time-stamped day plan is Write 2:45 - 5, exercise 5-6:30, dinner @7, relax with Brooke. 

I know I'll be stressed by writing, especially at the outset.  Making something from nothing feels overwhelming to me, though I've done it a million times before.  In the end even if I write what I consider a crappy paper it won't be that bad honestly so it's not a big deal.  I will also potentially be stressed by things that will happen which I cannot anticipate, and that's ok, I will take care of myself healthily in that case.

To take care of myself today, I will take a study break at 3:30 to watch 15 minutes of youtube, and then I'll get back to writing. 

If I'm struggling, I can go to my bedroom away from my electronics and play guitar.  I can meditate, or shower, or do pushups, or contact Matt, JP, Mae-Chu, Kayden, or other friends.

Urges are temporary and will pass.  They are not because I truly want to watch porn, they come from other triggers within me that I can meet in healthy ways. 
Triggers are fast and strong, and thrive in secrecy.  Once I know where they are and what they're doing, they have no power over me. 
Porn is a false promise.  It seems fun and relaxing, but is damaging, corrupting, and dehumanizing.  It is the path which leads to pain, loneliness and sorrow. 

A relapse is searching for a way around my blocks, not just seeing hardcore content.  Not just orgasming.  If I start to search, I am relapsing. 

Today I will feed the right wolf.  We're in this together everyone.
 

wwalker19

Active Member
Day 13.  Feeling pretty strong this time around.  I'm gonna keep my guard up even more than I have before. 

Yesterday was really great.  Went hiking with my girl, went to a cafe for breakfast, went shopping together, then we did a double feature of a netflix show we've been into (Queen's Gambit, check it out it's great).  We had pizza for dinner, played some board games together and then got drunk and watched Shrek.  Altogether a really awesome day, I felt so happy the whole time.  It makes me feel so good to be able to write it and remember it.  This is what I'm doing this for.

Anyway, once again addressing myself:  Today, I only need to make it until 5 or 6 pm, which is nothing.  I can do that easy, it's only a few hours. 
I need to edit my memo, which is shoddy at best.  I need to add in actual data and footnotes, which may require doing some readings.  This is the primary goal for the day.  I should skim some of my econ readings on top of that but those are axillary. 

My time-stamped day plan is:  Read up for my memo 9:30 - 11, take a break.  11:20 - 1 read for memo, take a lunch break.  1:45 - 3 read for/edit my memo, take a break.  3:20 - 5 edit memo, take a break.  5 - 6 additional work time if necessary to do other readings or if reading for my evidence took more time than expected.

I know I'll be stressed by the feeling that there's so much to do and not enough time to do it.  It's not true, I still have plenty of time if I use it wisely.  As long as I stay on track I'll be in great shape.  I will be stressed by other things I can't anticipate as well, so all I can do is be positive and take care of myself.

To take care of myself today, I'll eat healthy during my meals and play guitar during my breaks.  I'm getting Norah Jones' 'Don't Know Why' which is such a beautiful song.  It'll be awesome when I can play it clean. 

If I'm struggling, I can change rooms and play guitar, text my brother, friends, accountability partner, hop on the forum, go for a walk, just get away from my laptop.  So many options. 

Urges are temporary.  They come from triggers, which may not be temporary, I may have to work through a trigger and that's ok.  That is a chance to grow. 
Triggers are not so scary as they seem.  Little ones aren't so bad if I really pay attention to them, and big ones are just my brain trying to help me feel better about stress.  But it's not so bad as it thinks. 
Porn is not worth it.  A few moments of fun in exchange for lying, for shame and secrecy, for worse sex or none at all, for hurting her, for going nowhere in life, for wasting time and energy.

A relapse is looking for a way around the blocker, not orgasming, not just seeing hardcore content.  I have free will and can exercise it before I engage in middle circle activities. 

Feed the right wolf.  We're in this together. 

 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Can I say I feel it too, lol( the relapse trying to find a way in). But don't let it, out out your own energy and lock the doors.

We've got to break this cycle somehow... And I feel as we keep trying and upgrading our methods and plans, we would find a way that works.( I'm speaking directly at myself also, lol)

Keep pushing back
Chris
 

wwalker19

Active Member
Hi all,

today is 14 days.  Two weeks! This is the longest I've gone in literally months.  Which is happy and also a little disappointing honestly.  If I make it another week that'll be the longest I've ever gone since I started watching porn 12 years ago.  But i'm in this good moment now and I will appreciate it.  It doesn't mean the rest of the day will be good, I have to do that myself.

Yesterday I was very productive, read and wrote all day without so much as an urge.  It seems to me like the stress of writing gets me at the outset, when I have not written anything yet and it just seems like such a big creative hurdle.  The addiction just worms its way into my head and tries to say I can't do it, and I want to act out so badly.  But yesterday, I already had a rough draft and it was no problem to touch it up.  So it seems like the first step is the biggest for me. 

Anyway, today is day 14.  I only need to make it until about 1:30, when I'll work out, then I'll do my group call, and then relax with my girl (and maybe do some history readings).  I can get to 1:30!  that's just a few hours away.

Today I need to exercise, attend my group call, and read for my class tomorrow.  Not exceptionally challenging, but I will be busy.

My timestamped day plan is:  10-11:15:  Class,  11:30-1:30 Class, 1:45 - 3:15 exercise, 3:45-5 group call, 5-6 read, dinner & relax after. 

I know I'll be stressed by the amount of reading for tomorrow.  But I can skim it, and I have most of the day tomorrow too.  I'll be stressed by things I cannot anticipate too.

To take care of myself today I will exercise and join my group call. 

If I am struggling I can go to my room to play guitar or meditate, text any of my friends who know what I am going through and support me, text me brother, tak to Brooke, go for a walk or take a shower. 

Urges are my mind trying to calm me down the only way it knows how.  he only way out of this is to show it a better way. 
Triggers are not going away; life is stressful and unpredictable.  But triggers are also what will let me learn about myself and grow to be healthier. 
Porn is a drug.  A very powerful drug that drains you of your love and intimacy and energy and leaves you lonely, lying, and unsatisfied.  Porn makes sex worse!  Porn is a fantasy land, not the real world, and I am making a commitment to living in realty.

A relapse is looking for a way around my blocks, not just MO'ing to nudity.  Softcore non-explicit content is still porn if I use it to get off. 

Feed the right wolf today.  We're in this together.
 

Kraken

Well-Known Member
Feed the right wolf!  Love that story.  Make sure you're giving yourself enough time to recharge.  Reading your to do list was giving me slight anxiety.  Busy is good and but so is rest and self care.  Mediation sounds like a great plan.  Also baths, hikes in nature, and naps work for me too.

squid
 

wwalker19

Active Member
Today is day 18.  I'm nearing my personal best.  during week two I had some serious struggles, but I had been going back through your brain on porn and it really revitalized me, it helped me see why I had started all of this to begin with.  I realized where I fall is I always rationalize a little peek, and honestly I'm really good at just keeping the line there, but I can still spend over an hour masturbating to softcore content.  It had gotten to the point where I might be masturbating for an hour looking for softcore stuff, and then as soon as I found anything hardcore I would shut it off and move as if that were the relapse, not what I had been doing.  I know it sounds obvious, but to a rationalizing brain it isn't. 

It's the seeking and searching behavior for sure.  That's the addiction.  I think adding the blocker may have just made it more exciting honestly, because it became varied interval rewards, like gambling.  And in the same way an alcoholic can't have just one sip of beer, I can't have a peek.  no seeking and searching, it always goes downhill.  Why it took so long for me to understand I don't know.  I knew I was fucking up but it felt like an ok way to fuck up, I guess is how I would describe it. 

Regardless, I am going strong now.  Good luck to everyone else out there.
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Yeah, you hit the nail on the head. Peeks always lead to relapses no matter how much we rationalize it. It's just our brain trying to get a breath of fresh air/doze of dopamine.

Nice on on your progress walker... 2 to 20
 

wwalker19

Active Member
Thanks for the good thoughts Chris.  Relapsed today, been having a bad stretch lately.  Took some time away from the forum to try to figure stuff out.  Things are not working still, I'm still in this.  Working from home alone on a laptop all day just will never work.  I need a better system.  I'm thinking about using an online call system called gathertown with people on this forum who are in a similar boat.  In the same way being in a public workspace would mitigate the danger of working alone on my laptop, being on a call while I am working could do the same.  Gathertown works like a video game interface, where you can walk up to people and away from them, and you're in a call with them while you're nearby.  Simply being nearby others would help in this, I think.  I might put this together and see if others would be interested.
 

Chris Oz

Well-Known Member
Hey, sorry about your relapse. You did great in your last run. You'd do even better, just keep your head up.

I don't know about the gather town. It seems like it'd consume a lot of data...which I don't really have mostly.

But sure, getting away from the laptop and doing other stuff once in a while helps. Try getting gadget free hours in the day in and out of work.

I work and also stay at home all the time and it's hard. But one key thing is to always be focused on set goals you've set before hand to o accomplish. Also monitor your stress levels and mindset so you don't get distracted and start doing stuff online without thinking or descretion.

Keep pushing man.
 

anubu0

Active Member
Hey Will.

I feel the great need to apologize to you. I left you on this journey which was really selfish and not right of me to do. I hope you are doing well even if you aren't seeing too much progress with your recovery. Best wishes.
 

wwalker19

Active Member
I've been away from the forum for quite a while now, about four or five months I think. It haas had its ups and downs, but obviously I am still not clear yet considering I am returning.

I had been clean for about a month, which was the longest I had gone. There were some stretches when I would relapse every 3 or 4 days after that, and for a while I seemed to just lose motivation, like why bother anymore. That mindset will never help, but you'll never be able to live your whole life without getting low at times, so I cannot rely on motivation alone.

For a long time I relied on creating more elaborate blocks to keep myself clean. It doesn't hurt, I see it as just like not buying junk food at the grocery store. But I can always get something if I try, and so the key is I need to try, which I haven't been.

In the year I have been trying to reboot, I have learned a lot, I think. I have learned that it is easiest to reboot when I am happy, when I have a social life and I am working and when I am not under extreme stress. When I take care of myself, when I am doing the right things for my life and in a good place it is easier. The problem in that is living in isolation during quarantine.

So, today is day 1 for me, again. I've had a lot of day 1's, for a while I lived on day 0 again and again. I'm not really interested in that because I know it gets me nowhere, but the problem is the me typing now is not the same me who makes that decision. Learning to reconcile the two is crucial.

I'm back, and I am ready to try again. I don't want to lie anymore, I don't want to feel gross or ashamed or waste my time or be appalled at the nasty stuff I am watching. I don't want to contribute to an industry that is predatory to both its employees and consumers. I want intimacy.

Hope all is well with everyone.
 

Kraken

Well-Known Member
I've been away from the forum for quite a while now, about four or five months I think. It haas had its ups and downs, but obviously I am still not clear yet considering I am returning.

I had been clean for about a month, which was the longest I had gone. There were some stretches when I would relapse every 3 or 4 days after that, and for a while I seemed to just lose motivation, like why bother anymore. That mindset will never help, but you'll never be able to live your whole life without getting low at times, so I cannot rely on motivation alone.

For a long time I relied on creating more elaborate blocks to keep myself clean. It doesn't hurt, I see it as just like not buying junk food at the grocery store. But I can always get something if I try, and so the key is I need to try, which I haven't been.

In the year I have been trying to reboot, I have learned a lot, I think. I have learned that it is easiest to reboot when I am happy, when I have a social life and I am working and when I am not under extreme stress. When I take care of myself, when I am doing the right things for my life and in a good place it is easier. The problem in that is living in isolation during quarantine.

So, today is day 1 for me, again. I've had a lot of day 1's, for a while I lived on day 0 again and again. I'm not really interested in that because I know it gets me nowhere, but the problem is the me typing now is not the same me who makes that decision. Learning to reconcile the two is crucial.

I'm back, and I am ready to try again. I don't want to lie anymore, I don't want to feel gross or ashamed or waste my time or be appalled at the nasty stuff I am watching. I don't want to contribute to an industry that is predatory to both its employees and consumers. I want intimacy.

Hope all is well with everyone.
 
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