Journal

Kraken

Well-Known Member
Welcome back! Be kind to yourself. Every inch you move towards being a better person is good for the world, good for us all. It's inspiring. Progress isn't linear and it's in the restarting and trying new things that the magic happens.

Wishing you the best,

squid
 

wwalker19

Active Member
Today is day 3! Going well, feeling good. I am looking forward to no longer being a student, getting out of the house more, living an actual life. That will all help in this journey, but until then and thereafter I have to help myself. I'm feeling pretty good. I'm still busy with classes and applying to jobs which isn't fun, but hey, things could be worse. Here's to things looking up.
 

wwalker19

Active Member
Today is day 11! Obviously I have not been keeping super up to date with things on the forum, but things are good. I have very little access, but even more than that, I am feeling good in life right now. My master's program is ending in a couple of weeks, and I am going to work a random job to have some income while I shoot for a real career. I am lucky to be in a position where I am not overly concerned about money, and the pandemic seems to be moving away slowly. I have been more social, and I am about to begin rock climbing again, which I was getting into a year and a half ago before the pandemic. My relationship is so good right now.

I am feeling very happy. For whatever reason, porn has not had the same pull on me recently. I think it is primarily because I have been in a better place in general and I am not so stressed. I am hoping this continues. Fingers crossed. It's been a really long time since I have hit two weeks, so that will be cause for celebration.

Keep it up everyone!
 

wwalker19

Active Member
Today is day 17. I am looking down the barrel of a very busy and stressful week. I am alone in the house today and tomorrow, and things have been good leading up to now.

This morning I started to relapse. I'm gonna call it a half relapse, because I used my girlfriend's laptop but I just couldn't be ok with actually watching porn. I would start to search for things, then stop and close out. I did that 3 or 4 times, and then I just MO'd to old pictures of her that she had sent to me in the past. Afterwards I changed the password and sent it to my brother, informing him I'd tell her when she gets home and give her the password to change it to something I don't know.

Obviously this isn't the sort of behavior I want, seeking it out and MO'ing to images. But you know what? I think in the past I have been way too harsh on myself. The past 17 days have been good in large part because my circumstances have improved. I have been less stressed and more social, and happier. That has carried over into not wanting porn so badly. I was in a bad circumstance this morning, alone and very stressed. I acted out, but I mitigated the damage and prevented myself from doing it again. I know a few months ago I would've binged hard on tube sites and left the computer accessible to use again. So that's progress. I am going to keep working to make sure my environment is safe from porn for myself, which helps when my circumstances aren't ideal, and otherwise I am going to keep working towards improving my circumstances. That's where I see progress.

Because I am trying to be less harsh on myself this time through and because I only looked at my partner, I am going to continue with my day counter. All that matters is how I frame it, and I feel positive. I know I am feeling better and doing better. So if this sort of relapse happens again, I will reset, but this is my one gray-area pass I'll give myself here.

Now I need to actually sit down and do all the work that I'm stressed about. Bleh. Looking forward to being done.
 

wwalker19

Active Member
Today is day 2; yesterday really sucked, but I decided it would be better to call that half-relapse a relapse and just reset. It'll feel better to look at my number of days and feel like they're all genuinely clean, and I know another 17 days will pass in no time.

I was pretty down all day yesterday, which is whatever except it is very very hard to do work that requires concentration and focus when you're depressed. I'm lucky I am not chronically depressed, I cannot imagine how challenging that would be. I feel better today though.

The next few days will be busy but I'll be fine. After friday, things will be much easier. Keep it up everyone!
 

wwalker19

Active Member
I am no longer a student! Huzzah. I now have a Master's Degree which is pretty cool. I'm also on day 8 which is pretty cool.

I'm doing really well right now. A lot of my stress came from being a student and the lifestyle that accompanies it, as well as being in quarantine. Breaking out from both of those things is a big lifestyle change for me. Of course there will be more stress in the future, because that is what life is, but I am feeling capable of handling it.

Being at the edge of quarantine ending is actually turning into a positive for my recovery. With things opening up, my life is opening up as well which is making me happier. The problem is more that now I have basically no money at all having just spent it all on my degree, so there isn't much I can do. But I am starting a summer job next week which I'll be working 40 hours a week while I apply to careers, so I'll be more social and busy, as well as getting a bit of income. That'll help.

I am also getting more serious about my health and hobbies. I am using the remaining quarantine-lite as a means to cut out less healthy hobbies, namely weed and video games. I had my girlfriend put time limits on my Nintendo Switch, so now I am spending my time planning my new lifting plan, because I want to get bigger and fitter. I spend my time planning for D&D, a fun, creative and social hobby. I read, i'm planning on going rock climbing, dancing, so on and so forth.

Things are looking better. I'm feeling good and I hope you all are as well.
 
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