Measured and Balanced

[BigChanges66]

Hi All,

This is my next step in trying to reboot.  I'm in my 50's and have struggled with porn since my teens.  A lot of the recent information available has been really helpful as it is easier to see porn's impact.  I can point to a lot of things in my own life and think "they are writing about me!"  It seems clear they are writing about a lot of us.  It is also clear that pulling free from porn's grasp has been so much more challenging that I expected.  So I am starting again today and looking forward to this journal as a means of accountability.  I'm also hoping I can help support others while others can help me.

Thanks,
BC66

 

[TheNorman]

Welcome to the forum BigChanges66. There's a lot of great guys on here that are very supportive. I'm relatively new myself (day 22) but I can tell you hearing about what others are fighting through is a huge help with recognizing your own triggers and just feeling like you're not alone.

 

[BigChanges66]

Thanks for the welcome Norman.  You may be relatively new here but your journal/thread is helpful as are several others.  Just knowing there are others working towards the same goal and that we can be accountable to each other is a big help.  It also helps bring a little additional connectivity into life.  I think the less I, or anyone else, feels alone, the better chance for success we have.

For me, I think about the oft-quoted idea of doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.  I can look back and see that as a theme as I moved through life.  The reason for including "BigChanges" in my ID is I can also look at my work history, among other aspects of my life, and realize that even though I had built what others viewed as a successful career, I ended up going through a continuous cycle of highs and lows that led to a dread of going to work each day.  It got to the point of being physically sick most mornings.  I may have been "good" at it but there were aspects of it that led me to bad places.  So I have left that behind and am taking some time to focus on me as my work right now.

Today has been good so far.  That's all for now.

Thanks,
BC66

 

[Andrew1973]

Welcome BC66!

I think your 2nd paragraph in your last post is spot on, and I can relate 100%. Work for me became a source of self validation which in itself causes problems. I was setting too much store in the opinions of others and my own achievements and whilst that propelled me to relative success in my career, when things go wrong, the impact on self worth can be crippling. PMO is a very convenient escape mechanism.

Look forward to learning more about you and working together towards a great goal.

PS: your point about connectivity has been hugely relevant for me. I'd been reading/re-reading, listening to podcasts, Ted talks, meditating etc for years...decades to overcome this, and it was only when I came here that I really started to experience a step change, and that was due entirely to connectivity with other, like minded guys. Supporting and being supported is a great feeling.

Take care, and good to have you here.

 

[BigChanges66]

Thanks UKGuy.  I can tell this is a good place for connectivity.  An image just came to mind of each of us being a piece of a puzzle and if you put us all together you end up with a great road map on how to work through a reboot.  We all have something to share and we are all a bit stronger when put together.

Yesterday was a good day.  It was interesting that I seemed focused on or attempting to be aware if I was feeling different.  Nothing significant but a few moments where I did feel a bit different but could not really describe it.  Also, I was trying to be aware of when those fantasy thoughts would pop up.  They were fleeting but would come up.  Now I need to be paying attention to what is triggering them.

Time for a walk ... but not going down the road to Brighton (thanks WIP).

Thanks,
BC66

 

[Joel]

welcome to the journey, BC. Look forward to hearing about your progress. Seems like you're getting educated on why P is so negative, great foundation to build recovery on, along with keeping this community strong. Poor Brighton, getting such a bad rep!

 

[workinprogressUK]

Welcome aboard. Long may you continue to have good days. This place may prove to be more valuable on the days when thigns don't feel so good. Wishing you every success.

 

[BigChanges66]

Hi All,

Just a quick update on my journey as I read up on other journals.  I really do appreciate the effort most everyone makes at sharing.  Strength in numbers is a great thing! 

I'm just getting started but almost to 1 week now.  As I think about this process, I'll use the path analogy again (but not picking on Brighton).  If part of the process is choosing not to go down the easy path that I have developed using P, I will still need to go down other paths.  I guess I am looking for examples of paths other people have chosen to get some dopamine in a good way.  The challenge for me is that some of those other things that I enjoy run counter to other changes I am trying to make.  I love to cook and have worked in aspects of the wine industry for a number of years ... but cooking for 1 and opening a bottle of wine will not help me in losing weight and getting healthier.  With more time available now, I am reading more.  I'm walking or hiking most every day as well.  But what are some other paths/activities that have helped?

Thanks,
BC66

 

[TheNorman]

I switched out staying up late and watching movies/shows/youtube/reddit/sports for reading. It's a two-pronged attack: Remove access to things that are either porn or lead to porn, and read some books, which is nice. It also helps me go to bed at a reasonable hour. Another thing I've been doing is some building projects (me and everyone else within a 100km radius it seems based on the lack of pressure-treated lumber). That is good at keeping me focused on the project, feeling accomplished and tired. I am learning to cook so that is another thing I am trying hard to make a habit (which my life will absolutely love). Anything that isn't directly related to access to the internet or porn or related to porn is a good habit to get into (other than binge-drinking/drugs etc. but you get the idea). Let us know some of the things you try and how it goes!

 

[Andrew1973]

Hi BC66,
It's a good question. Exercise seems to be a bit of a common theme in the forum. I've always been pretty active, so this hasn't been an area where I've been able to do more, but I am a big advocate about the benefits of exercise on mental as well as physical health, so if that's something that you could do more of, it's a great place to start with broad benefits (including offsetting some of those vino calories!)
I can concur with TheNorman on the benefits of a meaningful project. Coinciding with my own 'reboot' has been a big project that I am working on with my wife (we're setting up a business). This has been a great distraction for me and something that has given me purpose without stress. I appreciate not everyone will want or need to set up a business, but is there another type of project that you can be working towards that you could be committed to, give you a sense of purpose and fulfilment? It was interesting - in my 'near slip' this week, one of the thoughts that helped me was the fear of getting sucked back into PMO and the impact that would have on my focus and abilities with regard to my project.
The other thing that has helped me is being on here - being part of the community has not only been a distraction from PMO, but an immense help in terms of practical and emotional sharing. It's also given me a big self esteem boost - helping others, and I've felt valued by the guys to. This helps me frame abstaining from PMO (and therefore participating on here) as a VERY positive thing, rather than just focussing on what I'm missing by not PMOing - participation here has, in many ways become that alternative path to Brighton.
Good luck finding your own answers

 

[Joel]

Hope all's well Bigchange,
Like UKGuy, a passion project has worked well for me. It did actually cause me stress, and I only allowed myself 30min spurts a day, a few days a week. Now I'm at it 4h a day, most days; it's slowly replaced the P habit, so has worked really well, and has been a motivation to stay clean.
This other habits sound strange - but nofap audio is great. Since I started this streak, I discovered 'No porn radio' podcast. It is kind of a hobby; the host is affable, a great mentor to have in your ear while you're doing physical tasks or relaxing. and he often has self development exercises I need to work through.

 

[43YearsAnAddict]

Hi, BigChange66.  I wish neither of us needed to be on this message board, but it's comforting to know I'm not the only person who has been strugglng with this for decades (43 years, to be exact).  Stay strong, focus on productive and happy things ... and don't give the bad stuff any of your energy.  I'm staying tuned for great reports!

 

[Andrew1973]

How are you and how is it going BC66? Hoping you're well and either progressing or learning! Take care.

 

[BigChanges66]

Wow ... 2+ years of struggle that has not gone well. I recently came back and have been following a few threads. Seeing the question/comments from JoePanic and Guitar1968 about what happened with people that had posted previously gave me a kick in the butt to post again. Day 8 today and working on staying engaged with other activities. That really seems to help ... though it's a bit tougher now with some of my outdoor activities during winter.

I really do appreciate the other threads/posts as it reminds me that there is support out there.

 

[BigChanges66]

Day 13 for me. Sometimes it helps just to write down the thoughts running through my head.

There is definitely a different feeling this time that I mentioned on Nacho's recent thread. Being able to get rid of the biggest source of anxiety in my life has certainly provided the opportunity to make a better me. The quick version I had a lengthy career in a role I was good at but not emotionally well-suited for. Let's just say anxiety was always front and center for me including the worst days where I would physically get sick prior to going to work. While leaving that world/environment involves some sacrifices, my mental health is more than worth it.

One of the things I have noticed and appreciated in reading others' posts is seeing parts of my struggle in theirs. The idea of a "double life" really hit home. That image has helped me focus on living the one life I want to lead and have it be one where I don't feel like I have to hide anything. My ex-wife and I divorced about 7 years ago and I have had only one serious relationship since then. It seems clear that the need to hide anything in my life would keep me from having a healthy, long-term relationship in the future.

 

[guitar1968]

Wow ... 2+ years of struggle that has not gone well. I recently came back and have been following a few threads. Seeing the question/comments from JoePanic and Guitar1968 about what happened with people that had posted previously gave me a kick in the butt to post again. Day 8 today and working on staying engaged with other activities. That really seems to help ... though it's a bit tougher now with some of my outdoor activities during winter.

I really do appreciate the other threads/posts as it reminds me that there is support out there.

Glad I can be of some inspiration. The struggle is daily. I've had some long streaks but I find myself being pulled back often. I'm really trying again. It is a battle. I think if we keep trying we are winning, maybe just not as much as we like. I really want to just be done with it. Right now, Instagram is tricky for me. I have a lot of friends that post music videos, but I also see a lot of women on there and the more I look at them, the more Instagram notices and send me even more. Anyway, good luck to you. Glad you're back. I'm back and I'll try to make time each week to be here writing about my wins and loses. Hopefully the wins will start to add up.

 

[BigChanges66]

It always seems easier to dwell on the losses ... so I will start to try and make a short list of wins at the end of each day ... no matter how small. Call it creating your own inspiration book. Just keep it around as I would guess just seeing it would be a good reminder of the good things we do. And for today, I managed to successfully put together a piece of furniture which had 25 steps in the instructions ... and I didn't even hurt myself doing it! It also took me long enough that it kept me occupied for a good part of the day!

Day 14 today ... one day at a time.

 

[BigChanges66]

Thoughtful day today. Spent time thinking about my other behaviors that I realize are my other "go to's" when needing that boost of dopamine. A few are good but others are not so good. It becomes clear that in most cases, I have pursued more of each over time to get that same feeling. Lots of thoughts today about balance in life and trying to limit the cycle of needing more of something to get the same feeling. That is a losing battle.

Day 16 today ... one day at a time.

 

[BigChanges66]

Coming to the end of the weekend. Chilly but good day outside today. Feeling pretty mellow and peaceful ... taking a slow approach to most things right now. I'm on the lookout for potential flatline but do not feel like this is that. Looking forward to what tomorrow may bring.

Day 18 today ... one day at a time.

 

[BigChanges66]

I was out and about for a good part of the day today. Focus today was on genuine interactions with people. Even if it was very brief, trying to see the whole of a person and not objectify in any way. Our lives are often moving so quickly it can be hard to ... but this served as another way to slow down and be in the moment.

Taking things slowly will be a consistent theme for me. It certainly serves a purpose when triggers or urges come up. Don't run down that pathway to the easy button of quick, but fleeting, satisfaction. I think of the story of the tortoise and the hare ... definitely time to be the tortoise,

Day 20 ... one day at a time.