finallyfree
New Member
Hi, I don't really know how to make a proper post here so please feel free to tell me if I'm doing something wrong (being too explicit or something of the sort, be careful reading this, I assume there may be some words which may come across as triggers, specifically what I watch).
I'm 23 years old and have been watching pornography since I was 10. My friends showed it to me and this was around the time I was hitting puberty and was curious about things so I was instantly hooked. By 11, I couldn't go to sleep unless I had MO'd, P was not yet crucial for me to falling asleep. Growing up, I had always fantasized about what I now know as femdom and by age 14, finding it online catapulted my habit into what I would consider a full blown addiction. I couldn't go without PMO for more than a few days at max and slowly had to start finding increasingly extreme stuff to satisfy my fantasies.
By 18, I stumbled upon cuckold porn. I had come across this before but found it disturbing, but at 18, nothing I came across was arousing me so I decided to give it a chance. It invoked deep feelings on anxiety, jealousy and shame but also the strongest arousal I can remember in years. This is where I think things started really going downhill. This was the only thing that would arouse me and it ended up ruining my first serious relationship with an amazing girl because I would always fantasize this and project it onto her (I always assumed she was doing something behind my back or liked other guys more than me when this was clearly not the case). This was also when I started developing PIED.
Currently, not even cuckold porn arouses me anymore, rarely anything does, aside from forced bi hypno. I have had PIED for 5 years now, multiple failed relationships as I feel no attraction or connection to anyone and I don't remember what a genuine erection or orgasm feels like. However, I still force myself to PMO with what little I can. I have only turned 23 recently and I no longer want my life to be controlled by this thing I have been fighting for 13 years. All aspects of my life are effected. I lack motivation, discipline, initiative, I am severely depressed and anxious and the worst part is I feel like there is no one to blame but myself.
Regardless, I am currently on day 6 of hard mode and I felt the need to make this journal to update daily as I have decided that this is it, I will overcome this. I read the words "finally free" on a social media post today and it resonated with me a lot. I want to be able to say those words. Wish me luck guys. The urge to relapse today is strong, but being on day 6 feels great. If anyone has read this far, thank you so much and best of luck on your journey.
I'm 23 years old and have been watching pornography since I was 10. My friends showed it to me and this was around the time I was hitting puberty and was curious about things so I was instantly hooked. By 11, I couldn't go to sleep unless I had MO'd, P was not yet crucial for me to falling asleep. Growing up, I had always fantasized about what I now know as femdom and by age 14, finding it online catapulted my habit into what I would consider a full blown addiction. I couldn't go without PMO for more than a few days at max and slowly had to start finding increasingly extreme stuff to satisfy my fantasies.
By 18, I stumbled upon cuckold porn. I had come across this before but found it disturbing, but at 18, nothing I came across was arousing me so I decided to give it a chance. It invoked deep feelings on anxiety, jealousy and shame but also the strongest arousal I can remember in years. This is where I think things started really going downhill. This was the only thing that would arouse me and it ended up ruining my first serious relationship with an amazing girl because I would always fantasize this and project it onto her (I always assumed she was doing something behind my back or liked other guys more than me when this was clearly not the case). This was also when I started developing PIED.
Currently, not even cuckold porn arouses me anymore, rarely anything does, aside from forced bi hypno. I have had PIED for 5 years now, multiple failed relationships as I feel no attraction or connection to anyone and I don't remember what a genuine erection or orgasm feels like. However, I still force myself to PMO with what little I can. I have only turned 23 recently and I no longer want my life to be controlled by this thing I have been fighting for 13 years. All aspects of my life are effected. I lack motivation, discipline, initiative, I am severely depressed and anxious and the worst part is I feel like there is no one to blame but myself.
Regardless, I am currently on day 6 of hard mode and I felt the need to make this journal to update daily as I have decided that this is it, I will overcome this. I read the words "finally free" on a social media post today and it resonated with me a lot. I want to be able to say those words. Wish me luck guys. The urge to relapse today is strong, but being on day 6 feels great. If anyone has read this far, thank you so much and best of luck on your journey.