Starting a new journey to recovery

Hello, Im not new this site. I signed up last year and decided to start a new journal to give some of my background to why I want to quit P. I started watching P when I was about 12 or 13 years old. I?m 35 now and still addicted to P. I remember watching my first P video on VHS cassette tape but before that my earliest memories of P were magazines. My big bro was my main source for P but also friends of mine. When Internet P finally arrived Id spend hours of the night to download one scene/video. I didn?t think that there was any harm being done to me from consuming P. Eventually high speed internet P became available and I was fascinated by how much content I could access. PMO became a weekly (sometimes daily) ritual for me and I thought it was harmless. My earliest memory of suffering from PIED came in my 20?s. I was sexually active and I had some very attractive women that I had the chance to sleep with. I was confused why I had some troubles getting aroused when I had a super hot female in my bed. It was embarrassing to say the least and Id use P to try and help not knowing it was likely the cause of problem. One of my steady girlfriends at the time couldn't understand why I had performance issues and I was just as clueless because I was a young lad and should be full of libido. I started using Viagra once and a while but that also made me feel a bit embarrassed because I thought to myself I should?nt be having this problem at my age. My girlfried at the time stood with me even after my issues and lucky for me she was really easy to make orgasm. Eventually years later there was a point where I was single for a while and just wanted sex so I started sleeping with prostitutes. I was never into paying for sex before because it was?nt my style, Im an attractive young man and enjoyed the challenge of trying to get a girls number. The one thing that I was insecure about was my sexual performance and I didn't feel like I had to perform good for prostitutes so there was less pressure on me and I was alright with that. Also now that I look back I think subconsciously I felt like a P star by sleeping with prostitutes and it made me feel like I was living my P fantasies. Eventually I had a close call (but thank god it was nothing) which scared the hell out of me and I never slept with a prostitute again. I said to myself that it was safer to watch P and MO then to take a risk and sleep with prostitutes. It was like throwing gas on the fire and expecting the fire to go out. P helped me to quit sleeping with prostitutes but at the same time made me more addicted to P than I think Id ever been. I discovered YBOP and this site about a year ago and started reading about PIED and suddenly it all started to make sense to me about why I was having performance issues all these years. For over a decade Ive been struggling to have a consistent reboot but the last long streak of no MO I had was when I found this forum. Overall P has brought more pain to my life than pleasure and I want to let myself heal and reboot so that I can move on from the toxicity of P once and for all which is why Im here again.
 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hey Readytoreboot,

First of all sorry for the belated welcome but; Welcome to RN! You've taken an important step in beating this dreadful addiction and that is admitting that you have a problem. You are among likeminded people here. Im looking forward to read more of you and your journey. Also, read some of the other threads on here. You will find that you are not alone, that you are not the only one with PIED and you wil lfind tips and tricks to help you fight this addiction.

Good luck!
 

stepbystep

Active Member
Hi Readytoreboot,

Welcome to this forum and thanks for sharing your story. This is a sign that you're doing the right things. One thing that has helped me in the past is having an accountability partner and recovery program. Do you have one?

sbs
 
Week 1 no PMO in the books. Feelings to watch P were strong around days 4-5 but did not watch a single second of any P. Exercise and meditation has helped as well as staying off of social media more. Reading books and listening to inspirational quotes on youtube kept me from slipping. 

By the way Sbs, Thanks for the welcome.  i dont have an accountability Partner, I think its a good idea though.
 
So Ive relapsed a few times since my last log and its took me a while to get back to 1 week no PMO hardmode. Cravings to watch P were intense yesterday. Had to keep myself busy with activity and also focus on what I want to stand for. Inner me wants to give P up once and for good and another part of me doesnt and it sucks to be so addicted to something you get shitty feelings of withdrawl but Im know this is for the better me and its worth the sacrifice in the end to go thru hell in the beginning.
 

stepbystep

Active Member
Hang in there! Cravings can get bad around 1 week but things get better soon after. Is there something you can do differently this time than last time? Can you change up your environment or set some blockers on your computer?
 
Hey Readytoreboot,

Just wanted to say that I fully understand your wish to move on and leave the toxicity of P behind! Hang in there!

Best L
 

Chris1986

Active Member
Hey I am sorry to hear that you relapsed but well done for digging your way out of the whole and not letting yourself fall deeper.
I too had history with sex workers in the past and I know that shame that comes with it. I managed to stop but fell deeper into other P activities as you did.
Remember you are not alone and we can get through this together.

Something I been looking thanks to a course I am doing on pathformen.com is working out your recovery Capital.
I am not sure if you are familiar with the term but basically everything/one you have in place to aid your recovery. Be that accountability partner, counselling, friends, hobbies, meetings, journals, Sites such as this and anything else that helps. Imagine each one of those as a brick. The more bricks you got the higher the wall you can build to block the addiction from breaking through/over.
Saying that though remember not to only focus on outward change. We are all addicted for a reason. Be it a lack of needs met, trauma or what ever the reason we need to look within ourselves to try and make positive changes within us.
Maybe try some mindfulness meditation to quite your mind and not worry about past or future but focus on the moment you are in during the mindfulness.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Hi, Readytoreboot.

Overall P has brought more pain to my life than pleasure and I want to let myself heal and reboot so that I can move on from the toxicity of P once and for all which is why Im here again.

Glad you see it this way. This is huge realization. When triggered try to remember it. Why you are doing this. Remember the pain P has brought you. Maybe seeing this clearly will help you in staying on the path.

Wish you all the best on your journey.
EW
 
Well... Im on here again after not posting for a few months. I've relapsed plenty of times since then and Im feeling a bit down about not being strong enough to withhold from viewing any P, even for a few days time. Ive been out of work for several months now due to the pandemic and have not been fortunate to meet/date anyone for a while which has really been hard for me to cope with and Ive noticed my P addiction has become more of a struggle to deal with. I know I can get thru this and posting on here has helped me to hold myself accountable in the past. I also enjoy reading success stories because it gives me hope and helps me remember how good it felt the last time I was PMO free for over a month. My goal is to go the whole month of December PMO free and post on here everyday.I figure its better to finish the year in good standing and begin the New year with a head start on my self transformation and development. Here we go....
 
Day 1- Im feeling strong urges to look at P this morning but I've decided to post on here instead. Im not usually a morning P viewer but the urge is a sign of the challenges that await me on this no fap journey. I dont even want to look at a peep of P because I know it will inevitably lead to viewing more P, then to MO and feeling disappointed in myself. Its in really stressful moments or moments of boredom when I find myself most vulnerable to drift off onto a P site. I have lots of triggers which doesnt help but at least Im aware of some of them and I know I can overcome the really strong urges from possible triggers. Im going to start my day now with reading something positive and some exercise later. If I feel like Im gonna slip Ill read some of the success story forums or post again on here If I have to.
 

SebUK

Active Member
Hey mate.

From my own experience of rebooting (about 2 months so far) I have found it much easier to get and maintain an erection when having sex, and even when MO. I also used to use Viagra but I don't need it now. My erection is even a bit harder than with viagra I reckon. Hopefully that provides some assurance for you.
 
Day 3- Early morning started with some cravings, Im not really even horny, no morning wood. Its defo my brain craving that dopamine hit. I had to get out of my apt. i sat  in the sun and did some nature viewing while listening to the stoic quotes. I feel more reset and ready to take on the rest of the day.

Thanks for the inspo SebNZ, Im excited to see how my results will be at the end of the month. Gonna take it day by day to get there.
 
Day 4- Started the day with slight cravings but went into writing some pages in one of my personal projects. I went for a run yesterday to get out of the house and Im glad I did because It was a confidence booster and kept my mind strong. I can feel today that I have more energy, Im more creative and I feel more balanced without PMO.

Thanks for the support batman99, same to you friend.
 
Day 6- Feeling good about the strength Im gaining everyday by kicking this addiction. Although the desire to watch P is still there in the back of my mind Im reinforcing the new ideals I want to live by. P is not something I want in my life anymore. Its brought me to low points in life and sometimes reminding myself of that pain helps me to remember that I dont want to feel like that again. I believe its essential for my reboot to constantly remind myself of what I really want and what I want to stand for, everyday.


Stoic quote of the day:
Every night before going to sleep we must ask ourselves: What weakness did i overcome today? What virtue did I acquire?
 
Day 7- Had a rough day and really had to put effort into keeping myself away from P. Withdrawls were bad and worst Ive felt the passed few days. Im happy to say I hung in there and will be making it passed 1 week.
 
Day 8- I didn't sleep so well last night and in the back of my mind there was a thought lingering that PMO would help me go back to sleep, lol.While I didnt give in I did notice that the energy had to go somewhere so I looked at a bit of social media. Ive been off of the socials for a week and I know that its defo helping me with my reboot. Socials are also dopamine sucking tools and I tend to take weekly breaks from them time to time.
 
Top