Bringing it around full circle

[Phineas 808]

Thanks, Phineas. Your support means a lot to me.

Definitely, Liga! That's what brothers are for!

I'm back to Day 1 after dealing with another setback.

One thing I've been thinking about, especially in the lieu of my own struggles since June (when I started recording days again), especially between Sept 27, Oct 31, and Nov 6, that yes, I lapsed 3x, but among those 3 misteps, there was a total of 59 out of 62 days of no PMO. My point is, that 10 steps forward (so to say) and 1 step backward...

So, as you know, it's not really 'day 1' for you, because you're going forward, and you're spending less time with PMO, and that can only mean improvement, betterment, and success!

I thought this through, too, just in case my own [bad] habits kick in...

My latest relapse reached a medium level in terms of severity, but I wish I'd stopped it sooner.

I'm trying to learn that, too. That as soon as I notice my behaviors (although maybe benign in appearance) going that direction, I'll try to address the issue, or at least change my frame of mind. As you know, though we perhaps can stop at any point, if we don't catch it early enough, habit kicks in...

About the rest, it's perhaps a matter of resolve. I say this, because those smaller behaviors I notice about myself, if I just let them be without changing them, or addressing them in some way, it may tend to weaken my resolve, and then it's all too easy for me to fall into the ingrained habits...

You'll do great, brother! 

 

[Joel]

Work stress followed by holiday stress?? What a vicious cycle! Well done on getting accountable, and your plan sounds great. Let's make this one count.

There were several opportunities for me to check in and seek accountability

yeh, got to reel it in before the body takes over and the intellect still has a chance.

 

[J01]

Back to the basics and sticking with the plan-sounds like a good idea and reminder for us all.  Back to the battle-let's do this bro!

 

[workinprogressUK]

What I've learned from my latest slip is that if I ignore my plan, I do so at my own peril. There were several opportunities for me to check in and seek accountability, but I chose not to because I reasoned with myself that I was too tired and would get to it later. I also ignored a few warning bells that I should have paid more attention to.

Going forward, I need to get back to the basics of following my plan, staying accountable, and doing the daily self-care that I need to do to keep myself on track.

Seems that we can always see it coming, but it often happens all the same. Whether we're spiritualist, scientific, logical or sheer bloody minded in our approach, we see / hear / smell / sense the warning signals but go out into the darkness anyway. We all search for wisdom or inspiration but it does just seem to be a case of whether, in any specific moment when we're triggered to go back out there.... and there are many, many moments... it matters more to us to resist than to give in. Sometimes I've been worn-down and could no longer find the energy to resist. Other times I swallow-dived gratefully back into P. Did you read much about "Emotional Relapse" as the first stage, LIGA? Maybe something in that for you. The pascal / Dobber thing, I listened too as well. Matt didn't sound on the most solid ground in trying to explain it, which was unusual for him. Just struck me as "human condition" stuff; the grass is always greener. Not sure when he talks about rest he means lying down and shutting your eyes. High likelihood that I'm wrong but I think he's just sweating that argument that we're never satisfied and always think we need something else, after which point we'll be contended.

Anyway - great work on getting back up on your feet so fast, and not letting yourself nose-dive. Stay tough, mate. You're in my thoughts. 

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Phineas, Jixu, Joel, and WIP - Really appreciate you coming by and lending your support.

Phineas -

One thing I've been thinking about, especially in the lieu of my own struggles since June (when I started recording days again), especially between Sept 27, Oct 31, and Nov 6, that yes, I lapsed 3x, but among those 3 misteps, there was a total of 59 out of 62 days of no PMO. My point is, that 10 steps forward (so to say) and 1 step backward...

This is a good reminder to keep my perspective. It's usually the first thing to go when we slip! Proportionally, over the past few months, days lost to P have been microscopic compared to days without, so I'll continue to keep that in mind. Thanks!


Jixu -

Back to the battle-let's do this bro!

And this is a good reminder to keep up the fight. Let's bust some skulls, friend!.....Too much?


Joel -

Well done on getting accountable, and your plan sounds great. Let's make this one count.

Thanks! Seems like we're on the same trajectory at the moment. Wishing you well on your 7-day goal.


WIP -

Sometimes I've been worn-down and could no longer find the energy to resist. Other times I swallow-dived gratefully back into P. Did you read much about "Emotional Relapse" as the first stage, LIGA? Maybe something in that for you.

Haha! "I swallow-dived gratefully back into P." What a visual! I wasn't familiar with the term "Emotional Relapse" before you brought it to my attention, but now that I am, I can finally put a name on something I've observed about myself - that I often feel stressed right before a relapse. Thanks!

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Day 3. I experienced some work stress today - at its worst, I'd say it was about a solid 6. I can't say that I handled it well, though. I didn't turn to P, but based on my behaviors around objectification, I appear to be headed in a bad direction.

Per my plan, if I ogle excessively while in public, which is what I was doing, I must immediately come clean and seek accountability for that behavior. Next step is to follow my action plan with an emphasis on self care. I'll aim to keep checking in regularly until this passes.

Be well, everyone.

 

[Phineas 808]

Congrats on day 3, brother!

Stress is one thing, urges are another. And this stress may have been your cue to 'act out' in public in terms of objectifying women. But, is it truly that? I know the lines can seem to blur between admiration of beauty and lust, but know yourself. Another way to ask, are you truly objectifying (and you very well may be), or are you being unduly hard on yourself?

Regardless, take this ogling non-judgmentally. True, the stress created an environment for the urge to look or lust, as one seeks a dopamine hit to alleviate the uncomfortable stress. Just be aware of this tendency, and observe it when possible, without responding to it. Maintain your breathing, focus on your breathing, and notice if you relax a little, if these urges to ogle subside...

I wish to counter the notion, that stress necessarily leads to uncontrollable behaviors- or, that we're at the mercy of these cues. I know you probably don't think that, but that kind of thinking, as you know, is pervasive in recoverism.

But it's good to know oneself, what are our particular cues, and what are 'high risk' situations for us.

Bottom line, you'll find other ways to deal with stress as an aside. But our victory doesn't depend on figuring this out. The main thing is that, if and when urges arise, we can non-judgmentally and mindfully dismiss them.

You got this, brother!

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Stress is one thing, urges are another. And this stress may have been your cue to 'act out' in public in terms of objectifying women. But, is it truly that? I know the lines can seem to blur between admiration of beauty and lust, but know yourself. Another way to ask, are you truly objectifying (and you very well may be), or are you being unduly hard on yourself?

Yeah, you're right. Sometimes it's hard to know when you've overstepped the line or for that matter where the line is with objectifying in public. In my case, it's part of an unhealthy ritual that begins with allowing myself to look lustfully, then loosening the boundaries around looking to the point where I start to feel triggered, then going home and beating it to P because, ah what the hell, I've already violated a boundary or two; why not another? It doesn't always turn out that way.  Sometimes I can pull myself back and regain control, sometimes I can't. But it's best not to cross the looking/lusting boundary at all.

Regardless, take this ogling non-judgmentally. True, the stress created an environment for the urge to look or lust, as one seeks a dopamine hit to alleviate the uncomfortable stress. Just be aware of this tendency, and observe it when possible, without responding to it. Maintain your breathing, focus on your breathing, and notice if you relax a little, if these urges to ogle subside...

Mindfulness is always a good practice in these situations, and I appreciate the reminder to observe the thoughts to look and to lust without responding to them. Especially nowadays because I feel like I leave my senses behind when I'm out in public. A simple trip to a grocery store can result in a sensory overload after being cooped up working at home all day. I must remember to utilize this as a tool in the future.

I wish to counter the notion, that stress necessarily leads to uncontrollable behaviors- or, that we're at the mercy of these cues.

I agree with you, friend. None of my acting out behaviors are uncontrollable. I always have a choice.

Bottom line, you'll find other ways to deal with stress as an aside.

That's where I'm at now having realized that I'm not doing myself any favors by just riding out the stress and ignoring self care. Still working on making stress reduction a habit.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Day 4. Today went much better than yesterday. Meditated, went for a jog, and had a fairly chill day at work. I hope this trend will continue, but for now, I'm just taking it one day at a time. Be well, all!

 

[Phineas 808]

Glad that today was much better than yesterday,

Mindfulness is always a good practice in these situations, and I appreciate the reminder to observe the thoughts to look and to lust without responding to them. Especially nowadays because I feel like I leave my senses behind when I'm out in public. A simple trip to a grocery store can result in a sensory overload after being cooped up working at home all day. I must remember to utilize this as a tool in the future.

Yes..., I don?t wish to sound like I?m preaching from an ivory tower or something. But many times when I?m in public, if I don?t have a very purposeful (albeit non-judgmental) focus, I?m very, what I call, woman-conscious. I do try to ?bounce? my eyes, follow a two-second max, or say some prayer or affirmation, because I know that what I?m truly thirsty for is spiritual and higher than what's physical.

Carry on, lol...!

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Phineas - The thought never crossed my mind that you are trying to do anything other than be of help. I really appreciate your thoughts on recognizing the root of the behavior. I have a rather long explanation about the root of the behavior as I see it because it's very personal, but I'm debating with myself whether it's really something I ought to share. Will have to give that some more thought.

Meanwhile, it's Day 6 and I'm pleased to have another day free from PMO behind me. Take care!

 

[Phineas 808]

Good job on day 6!

Only share if you're absolutely comfortable. Last time I had a journal here, I shared a deep trauma- and, despite the anonymity, it still didn't feel comfortable that I shared it...

Regardless, I don't doubt that we both have very personal reasons for seeking that particular comfort in public.

Take care, also!

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Thanks, Phineas!

It's Day 7, and today I am thinking about self-acceptance. Not many days go by where I don't think about this sticky subject, but the thoughts are especially strong today. Mostly I've been thinking about what motivates me to be on this forum.

The reasons for being here seem pretty straightforward, right? We're all here to help one another and ourselves. I believe that was my main motivation for joining this community a few months ago, and also the reason why I started posting for a brief time 6+ years ago.  But now that I am several months into this, I'm discovering that there is another very familiar and less healthy motivation for me to be here: A NEED FOR APPROVAL AND ACCEPTANCE. I think there is probably some element of that need in any kind of social interaction, particularly social media where a person can feel validated by the number of "likes" they receive or the number of followers who support them. But since I don't have any social media accounts and few close friends, I seem to largely derive the approval and acceptance I desire from my work, my immediate family, a professional club I belong to, and well,... being on this forum.

So, I've been asking myself lately: Why is the approval of others so important to me? The answer is simple, really. Because I don't approve of and accept myself. And because I don't want to feel rejected by others.

When I came to this forum the first time many years ago, I was determined to be liked. I decided I would be the clown, the good-time guy. The guy who was quick with the jokes but just serious enough about recovery to be taken seriously. When I look back at my old posts, I can see that now. I can see what I wasn't seeing then. And it makes a certain amount of sense. Humor provides instant validation. When I crack a joke, even if it's at my expense, I get a positive reaction in return. "Hey that person liked my joke," I think to myself. "They must really LIKE ME."

I didn't want to be that guy this time around, and I feel I've mostly stayed true to that path. But now other things - judgmental thoughts mostly - are creeping into my posts that I find just as worrisome. So, I'm having to ask myself again: Why? Why am I being judgmental? What am I really seeking from that behavior? And the answer as before is clear: I'm looking for approval and acceptance.

Even as I write this post, the thought has crossed my mind: What is my motive here? This isn't my private journal. Is telling others that I don't accept myself just a plea for acceptance? I don't know. It's pretty hard to unravel what my motives are, except to say that these are my genuine unfiltered thoughts, for better or worse.

All I know is that self-acceptance/needing acceptance from others is a problem. And I'm not even sure why it's a problem because my wife and daughter should be enough for me. They love me, and I know I'm loved. But even with that, the cup never feels quite full. There's an emptiness there; a longing for approval that I'm still not getting. And if I'm seeking it but not getting it or seeking it in the wrong ways, it eventually leads to me filling the emptiness with something far less healthy but predictable. P is one of those things.

If I'm really being honest with myself, I know I'm not seeking or getting validation in the right ways. Which is why going forward, I need to have more mindfulness around this approval/acceptance-seeking behavior when I'm posting on this forum.

From now on, before I post something, I'm going to ask myself the following questions:

(1) Why am I posting today and (2) what am I seeking from it?

If I'm posting to help others and/or myself without seeking approval and acceptance, then my motives are pure and I will proceed.

If I'm not, then I will pause and reflect before posting.

Geez, I've written a novel. Think I'll end it here, folks. Be well!

 

[Phineas 808]

I get and understand those dilemmas as to what can cause us to question our motives when posting in this forum...

I kind of dealt with that elsewhere here today, what my thoughts were coming on as if I'm some 'know-it-all'. But we have to know ourselves, and if we have something of value- or are seeking something of value- to help ourselves and others on this journey.

I appreciate your novel here, Liga.

We came to this forum originally to deal with a problem. The social aspect (how meager it is anyway) is a natural aspect of that, and can be quite beneficial if we get the support we need in the moment- or can offer the same.

We also come to know each other to some degree, despite the anonymity. The years ago I was on here, I picked up a couple of friends- or our acquaintance extended a little beyond Reboot Nation. Though one guy was emailing me obsessively, when I was trying to put this stuff out of my mind.

I'll be honest, I do plan to come back and be helpful, but when my current goals are done, I'll hold on to this place loosley. But that will be true of this subject in general, as I don't wish to be identified with this thing forever.

Be well, as well.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

I get and understand those dilemmas as to what can cause us to question our motives when posting in this forum...

I kind of dealt with that elsewhere here today, what my thoughts were coming on as if I'm some 'know-it-all'. But we have to know ourselves, and if we have something of value- or are seeking something of value- to help ourselves and others on this journey.

Phineas - I'm glad you can see where I'm coming from, but you don't come across as a "know-it-all" to me. From where I sit, your posts and responses to other peoples' posts are helpful and valuable. The resources you've generously shared with the community here are especially helpful.

We came to this forum originally to deal with a problem. The social aspect (how meager it is anyway) is a natural aspect of that, and can be quite beneficial if we get the support we need in the moment- or can offer the same.

Yes, and the basic fundamental truth we have all faced in our struggles with this addiction is that going it alone is a flawed strategy.  I know I came here the first and second time because I recognized that I needed to be part of a community, that I wasn't thriving on my own and was in a sense my own worst enemy when I had no accountability and no motivation to quit.

As you say, the social aspect can be quite beneficial, but what I know about myself is that my basic need to be accepted/approved/loved cannot be met by this community alone. The fact that I've tried to make it into something it's not tells me just how poorly integrated I am socially in other areas of my life. I am, and will continue to be, grateful for the support I get from you and the other brothers here - don't get me wrong. I shudder to think where I would be without that. Still, as mentioned in my previous post, even with the support of the brotherhood, the loving support of my immediate family, and the modest support networks I've established with the outside world, a deep longing for approval and acceptance still remains.

From that I can only conclude that there is a need that is still not being met with my current limited approach to being part of a community. Solving this puzzle requires action on my part, uncomfortable out-of-the-box action to extend the parts of myself that want to remain stuck, hidden, and isolated. To that end, I'm starting to think about 12-step groups or other recovery groups that meet in person (or via video chat in the COVID era) and are more socially dynamic in their approach. I've also been thinking about local hobby/personal interest-oriented groups I could join and through which I could develop relationships with others organically, without the stimulus of addiction recovery - the common thread that brings us all together here.

I've already taken some minor steps towards "looking into" these things, but I need to go a step further and actually do something. As of today, I'm making it a goal to take the necessary actionable steps to be part of such a group (or groups) before the end of the year and will report back on any progress.

8 Days in the books. Day 9 in progress. So far, all is well.

 

[Phineas 808]

Phineas - I'm glad you can see where I'm coming from, but you don't come across as a "know-it-all" to me. From where I sit, your posts and responses to other peoples' posts are helpful and valuable. The resources you've generously shared with the community here are especially helpful.

Thank you, Liga... that means the world.

Yes, and the basic fundamental truth we have all faced in our struggles with this addiction is that going it alone is a flawed strategy.  I know I came here the first and second time because I recognized that I needed to be part of a community, that I wasn't thriving on my own and was in a sense my own worst enemy when I had no accountability and no motivation to quit.

As you may know, my approach is not orthodox, outside of what's commonly accepted within the 'recovery community'. So, one of my challenges is indeed to be able to make it on my own, without depending on an outside group- or on anything or anyone outside myself.

That said, we can help each other. And my rejoining Reboot Nation was to simply give myself that little extra-edge I needed in my current efforts.

I do keep a hard journal, and seek to be accountable to myself in it. But this community is a way for me to be a little public, a little accountable to others (at least anonymously), and be able to help others along the way.

It's kind of strange this time around, maybe because I have that experience and the lessons learned back in 2014-16, that I don't have that 'big brother' user coming on and giving me support- other than, Gabe Deem himself coming by my journal (before anyone else did, other than yourself)! That was a major boost to my efforts. So, there's something to be said for coming out of isolation- but we also need to know how to do this if and when no one else were around...

Still, as mentioned in my previous post, even with the support of the brotherhood, the loving support of my immediate family, and the modest support networks I've established with the outside world, a deep longing for approval and acceptance still remains.

Yes, getting to the bottom of this will be important in your personal journey. But lucky for you (and me), figuring all this inner-work stuff is not first necessary for us to successfully dismiss urges, and hence ending our addiction.

Have you looked into spirituality or religion?

I've already taken some minor steps towards "looking into" these things, but I need to go a step further and actually do something. As of today, I'm making it a goal to take the necessary actionable steps to be part of such a group (or groups) before the end of the year and will report back on any progress.

I know this is so challenging in our 'COVID world' we find ourselves in, but I hope you can find a support group, or social outlet for these feelings.

If you do join a support group, a recovery group of some kind, make sure they're the kind that empowers you as a person, and not disempowers you- as if you were hopelessly addicted, diseased or inherently flawed. Choose wisely in this regard.

Wishing you well.

 

[Joel]

From that I can only conclude that there is a need that is still not being met with my current limited approach to being part of a community. Solving this puzzle requires action on my part, uncomfortable out-of-the-box action to extend the parts of myself that want to remain stuck, hidden, and isolated.

Really interesting stuff, Liga. Great awareness to pick up on your needs. Can you guess what I?m going to say?? ...Dobber?s last podcast was on this and it was a really good one. haha. But... his suggestion and working out how to get this need met are 2 different things.

I feel a similar loneliness but I?m glad to be made aware of it by giving up the sheen/ crutch of P. I?ve rejected so many people because I didnt realise how lonely I was, and that P was covering up real human need for other people. As we get older, friends are trickier to come by (in bygone days, it was like ? do you like beer? Me too! Let?s have one!). and I?ve never shown this vulnerable side to any of my friends ? I wonder how they?d take it.

And anyway... all this talk about this, and we?re in a time of Covid - but there's a light at the end of this tunnel now. Hopefully we'll never take others for granted again. I guess sharing our thoughts here and getting to know each other the best we can is an important thing. As you say ? it makes a huge difference. Good work on the progress.

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Thanks, guys. Always appreciate your thoughtful and supportive posts!

Phineas -

there's something to be said for coming out of isolation- but we also need to know how to do this if and when no one else were around..

I agree with you here. We need to learn how to hold ourselves accountable and make the right choices when others are not around. I've become better at this over the years because I've drawn some hard boundaries around behaviors that have historically gotten me into trouble. Not saying I've mastered it by any means. It's me who's guarding the proverbial henhouse after all, so things still happen on my watch. But I'm getting better at calling BS on suspect behavior when I?m on my own and taking action when I need to.

It's kind of strange this time around, maybe because I have that experience and the lessons learned back in 2014-16, that I don't have that 'big brother' user coming on and giving me support

Seems to me you have enough proven experience under your belt that you don't need that type of guidance this time around. In my case, after giving it the old college try for about three years, I retreated back into old habits from January 2017 until August of this year. I didn't go off the rails exactly, but I stopped doing the active work of recovery. Now that I've thrown myself into recovery for a second time, it feels like a fresh start but also feels like old hat at the same time - if that makes any sense.

Yes, getting to the bottom of this will be important in your personal journey. But lucky for you (and me), figuring all this inner-work stuff is not first necessary for us to successfully dismiss urges, and hence ending our addiction.

I do understand that it?s important to master the mechanics of rebooting and learn to dismiss urges, but isn't some of this inner-work stuff important in the sense that it helps us to understand how we became addicted and gives us the tools to shift our perspective and go after what we really want in life?

Have you looked into spirituality or religion?

I have, but I wasn't raised in a religious household, so it's hard for me to embrace many religious and spiritual concepts.

I know this is so challenging in our 'COVID world' we find ourselves in, but I hope you can find a support group, or social outlet for these feelings.

Kind of you to say that. Thank you. I hope so, too.


Joel -

Really interesting stuff, Liga. Great awareness to pick up on your needs. Can you guess what I?m going to say?? ...Dobber?s last podcast was on this and it was a really good one. haha. But... his suggestion and working out how to get this need met are 2 different things.

Haha. Well, I'd be lying if I said that all of these thoughts about having a more personal connection with others were not in some way inspired by his podcast. In my defense, though, I have been thinking for a very long time about the need to foster deeper social connections. That's my story, and I'm sticking to it!

I feel a similar loneliness but I?m glad to be made aware of it by giving up the sheen/ crutch of P. I?ve rejected so many people because I didnt realise how lonely I was, and that P was covering up real human need for other people. As we get older, friends are trickier to come by (in bygone days, it was like ? do you like beer? Me too! Let?s have one!). and I?ve never shown this vulnerable side to any of my friends ? I wonder how they?d take it.

It's nice to hear some of my own thoughts echoed by someone else. Appreciate that, Joel! I wouldn't be surprised if feelings of loneliness and disconnection from our fellow humans are far more common than many PAs let on.

I?ve never shown this vulnerable side to any of my friends ? I wonder how they?d take it.

Yeah, me neither. Every time I entertain the notion of opening up to a close friend, the thought of being rejected for "who I really am" seems to outweigh the benefit of being better understood. I think it's hard in general for most guys to open up about their feelings, but even harder to show any kind of weakness or vulnerability for fear of losing respect. At least, that's been my experience anyway.

And anyway... all this talk about this, and we?re in a time of Covid - but there's a light at the end of this tunnel now. Hopefully we'll never take others for granted again.

Sounds like a classic "Scrooge on Christmas morning"-style redemption! I truly hope like you do that there are better times ahead, my friend. Let's make it happen!


12 days in the books. Be well, everyone!

 

[LetItGoAlready]

Day 13. I've noticed that I've been pushing up against some of my boundaries around objectification lately, and if I'm being honest, it's left me feeling a little unsettled. For the past couple of weeks, I've been pretty consistent with self-care, have been reasonably good at practicing mindfulness around urges, and have made decent choices around my use of internet-enabled devices at night. But I can't deny that the urges are there and have been chipping away at my resolve.

What's been getting me through it thus far is the idea of breaking an old record, and that's still a strong motivator for me. Guess I'll keep aiming my sights high and hope that the motivation coupled with my current set of tools will keep me from doing anything stupid.

 

[Phineas 808]

Seems to me you have enough proven experience under your belt that you don't need that type of guidance this time around. In my case, after giving it the old college try for about three years, I retreated back into old habits from January 2017 until August of this year. I didn't go off the rails exactly, but I stopped doing the active work of recovery. Now that I've thrown myself into recovery for a second time, it feels like a fresh start but also feels like old hat at the same time - if that makes any sense.

It totally makes sense, and that's kind of where I'm at, too. I had quit counting days (as per my plan), but I was playing 'loosey goosey' with social media. It had been almost a year since I had been to any kind of site, but my undisciplined approach toward social media and some emotional turmoil in my personal life (not to mention losing my job over an injury as well as the pandemic) all began to play a part in reintroducing my old habits...

But I agree, this time around, I know what to do. I could even have kept at it without RN, but felt that I needed that extra edge on my approach.

I do understand that it?s important to master the mechanics of rebooting and learn to dismiss urges, but isn't some of this inner-work stuff important in the sense that it helps us to understand how we became addicted and gives us the tools to shift our perspective and go after what we really want in life?

Yes definitely! This is why I carefully said, 'not first necessary...' We should continue in parallel with our ending the habit, as well as afterwards, learning more about ourselves, our stories, and finding inner healing where needed.

I have, but I wasn't raised in a religious household, so it's hard for me to embrace many religious and spiritual concepts.

Sure. Me neither, about being raised in a religious household. 

Christianity was something I converted to as a teenager, but opening myself up to spirituality has been very helpful and meaningful in my journey. Thought spirituality may be something to explore as an answer to those feelings you expressed.

But I can't deny that the urges are there and have been chipping away at my resolve.

What's been getting me through it thus far is the idea of breaking an old record, and that's still a strong motivator for me. Guess I'll keep aiming my sights high and hope that the motivation coupled with my current set of tools will keep me from doing anything stupid.

Yes, urges can seem relentless at times, even 'life-or-death' in their demands, and this may feel uncomfortable.
 
That's a good motivator! Rooting for your success as you let these urges pass on by!