Questioning my sexuality. Help.

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
In my view. It is for the most part the novelty factor.

+1 on calling bullshit on porn uncovering our true selves.

What porn does in my experience is just uncovers the potential of deviant self. By fragmenting/disconnecting the soul. With porn we are moving away from our true self.

EW
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
EarthWalker said:
In my view. It is for the most part the novelty factor.

+1 on calling bullshit on porn uncovering our true selves.

What porn does in my experience is just uncovers the potential of deviant self. By fragmenting/disconnecting the soul. With porn we are moving away from our true self.

EW

This, this & this.
 

Jack89

Member
On day 5. Just had a strong urge to pmo, was aroused by a fantasy that derived from previous porn viewing. I even got as far as looking at an image but weirdly I lost my attraction. Hopefully this doesn?t count as a relapse because I did manage to resist and actually feel better now.
 

Jack89

Member
So I?m on day 9. I?ve been pretty low past few days, my mind is just constantly whirring and trying to get me to think sexually. I feel a bit better today, I have moments of positivity where I know I?m on the right track and that?s keeping me going. Tv and the Internet are a bit of a problem, nearly everyone I see my mind immediately tries to see if I can get aroused by them..you?ve got to laugh I suppose. It will go.

Patience is the key I feel. Sometimes I get exasperated and just want to be a normal human being but I know if I keep going I will get there.
 

Jack89

Member
So day 11, this is where I broke last time. I feel good though, I think the mistake I made last time was rushing back to sex because I felt pretty good, thinking the worst was over. Then the sex wasn?t great, depression came and then back to porn. I?m going to give a while before I try anything sexual. I think I?m in a bit of a flatline but tbh I?m going to try and enjoy it. Not thinking about sex all the time is quite a relief, my mind needs the break.
 

Jack89

Member
Definitely in a flatline now. This is quite scary, feel like I?m never going to be better and should just go back to porn. Trying to stay strong.
 

Jack89

Member
Day 13. Came close to a relapse after some porn dreams. The maddest thing was that the dreams weren?t about a person or per se, in then I was actually browsing the website, typing in search word etc. It shows ho me much my mind has become warped by porn. I resisted anyway. Still going strong.
 

Orbiter

Well-Known Member
Jack89 said:
Day 13. Came close to a relapse after some porn dreams. The maddest thing was that the dreams weren?t about a person or per se, in then I was actually browsing the website, typing in search word etc. It shows ho me much my mind has become warped by porn. I resisted anyway. Still going strong.

Definitely be vigilant on days like these! the urges usually pass by the end of the day if we're aware but I have personally found days where I wake up from dreams like these are danger days for relapse.

Keep going strong Jack, you got this!
 

Jack89

Member
So I?ve been as a low as I?ve been, last night had a proper panic attack and felt like the world was closing in. Contrasting today, I feel a bit better. Largely because I stumbled across some lesbian porn which aroused me no end. I think I?ve got a top one my identity now but just need to get rid of porn. I?m really struggling with this COVID thing, I?m sat at home all day...it?s the worst environment to try and kick porn but I must do it.
 

EarthWalker

Well-Known Member
Hi, Jack89. Just wanted to say I can relate to the panic attack. I had a few of those as well. It sucks big time.

If you can try to find the silver lining in this cv stuff as hard as that is. I find it helpful to have something looking forward to. For now this is a new episode of a tv show on Friday.

Wish you well
EW
 

Jack89

Member
So im going again but trying a different tactic. I?m not definitely ruling out masturbation, just porn and porn fantasies. I think actually getting used to arousal without porn will be a good thing.
 

Jack89

Member
Finally some good news. Managed to have satisfying sex with my girlfriend the other night. For a while I was elated but I?ve still had some depression and porn cravings since then. I know that it?s not over but a good sign that I am salvageable.
 

Jack89

Member
A week without porn. Feeling good especially with what happened above. I have still had porn thoughts though, although some of the porn seems quite disgusting now. I also keep getting buzzes off excitement about what life might be like when I?ve got rid of porn for good.
 

Jack89

Member
Feeling deflated. Attempted to initiate something and nothing happened down there. I think I got a over confident because of one success. Just trying to stave off the negative thoughts now because that can lead to relapses. I?m assuming this might be the flatline.
 
I think you are correct. The flatline can affect you emotionally. Try to find a strong motivation to carry on. This is the path we are all in, you are not alone. Wishing you all the best and a very merry Christmas.
 

Jack89

Member
Started the new year ok but had insane cravings today, literally 2 hours of my brain being flooded with porn images. I got semi aroused but didn?t give in
 

TheHeartacheKid

Active Member
Hi Jack,

Reading through your journal really resonated with me, so first, thank you for sharing.  I feel you in your struggle in questioning what your sexual preference is.  My mind also doing something similar to me, making me question so many memories, but it is just the addiction fighting back.  And it's fighting back with bullshit, because the addiction has nothing to truly hit us with other than shame.  And the mind can even confabulate shame.  I try to laugh the thoughts away, or even hit it with logic.  Attraction is something we generally know.  Even those who try to suppress it, they catch themselves throughout the day feeling an attraction.  I'm sure it's no coincidence that you're having these thoughts as you're quitting an addiction.

I also really empathize with your struggle with being stuck because of covid.  I too feel this.  Stuck in the house, limited options to go out.  I try to plan things as best I can.  Play a game, go for a drive, go for a walk, call a friend, focus on work if I can.  It does offer a little reprieve.  Watching movies and TV may also work, but it hasn't worked for me, as my mind isn't occupied enough, but could work for you.

But you've made some pretty nice stretches, so you're making progress regardless.  Your posts indicate it.  We're all just trying to feel our way through this thing.  You're doing the right things for yourself!  Stay stong!
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
Jack89 said:
Started the new year ok but had insane cravings today, literally 2 hours of my brain being flooded with porn images. I got semi aroused but didn?t give in

Hey buddy, I have the exact same problem as you. Escalating porn led me to gay porn and currently it seems like that is the only porn I want to watch to get my dopamine fix. I have recovered from this once before relapsing so I can tell you that as you stay more and more sober, your desire for men goes down and it starts getting back to normal. I have even fooled around with men and found pleasure there but in my mind i don't think I am truly gay. This is because the desire to fool around with men starts to go down as soon as I have a few clean weeks behind me and the attraction for women starts going up slowly. So don't worry about this, but it can play with your mind (I can attest to that) because you start wondering what your real sexual identity is and if you've been wrong about yourself all your life.
 

Jack89

Member
Ok, so I?m now on day 9 of my latest reboot. I feel a lot better, my constant intrusive thoughts and cravings have been noticeably lesser this time. Likewise I seem to be experiencing a proper flatline now, sexual thoughts just don?t do anything for me at all. I can?t get aroused by anything.

I?m assuming this is good news and a sign my brain is taking time out now the porn is gone. Feeling confident I can make it this time.
 
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