Hello,
This has taken me a long time to post and I really feel as if I?m losing my mind. I just don?t know who I am anymore.
So I?m a 31 year old male, in a relationship with a woman. I began watching porn at the age of 11, so I?ve had 20 years of abuse really. When I think back to how young I was it makes me want to cry, exposed to hardcore porn at such an age has definitely had awful repercussions. I started with low grade straight stuff but quickly escalated to scat, bondage, etc and even gay porn. For a long time I thought nothing of it, I enjoyed it and didn?t question myself. I always fancied girls at school but was always quite bad at getting with them.
When I became a teenager and started going out I did ok with women but could barely ever perform sexually. Occasionally I would but it was always hard work. Still I never questioned my sexcuality really, despite sometimes watching gay porn.
I met my girlfriend 7 years ago, it took us a while but eventually we enjoyed a decent sex life. But recently I?ve been questioning myself, am I really gay? During COVID I?ve been really hammering the porn, and now I can?t go more than 2 weeks without viewing it. I hadn?t watched gay porn in a while and now I?m back on it.
I don?t want to deny something in me but I don?t feel as if I am truly gay. I?ve never seen a man I?ve felt anything sexual towards in real life at all. But what if I?m just so deeply repressed I don?t know? At 31 I feel like I?m at a crux in my life now, I want an emotional and sexually fulfilling life but I can?t stop watching porn. Depression and anxiety are consuming me as I worry about my sexuality. I miss feeling that aching lust for a woman that I used to have, and that I?ve never had a for a man but why am I watching gay porn? I?ve been trawling through every memory of mine thinking of instances where I might have showed a gay tendency? I?m looking at every male in tv thinking would I sleep with them? It?s destroying me really.
Has anyone else had this issue and recovered? I know I need to stop the porn, but it keeps pulling me back. I went 2 weeks and felt quite good, went back for a look with just pics of nude women and though ah I?m ok, then bang back to gay stuff it?s like a gateway drug. I might add I do think I?ve got some general mental health issues, maybe a touch of autism/ocd.
This has taken me a long time to post and I really feel as if I?m losing my mind. I just don?t know who I am anymore.
So I?m a 31 year old male, in a relationship with a woman. I began watching porn at the age of 11, so I?ve had 20 years of abuse really. When I think back to how young I was it makes me want to cry, exposed to hardcore porn at such an age has definitely had awful repercussions. I started with low grade straight stuff but quickly escalated to scat, bondage, etc and even gay porn. For a long time I thought nothing of it, I enjoyed it and didn?t question myself. I always fancied girls at school but was always quite bad at getting with them.
When I became a teenager and started going out I did ok with women but could barely ever perform sexually. Occasionally I would but it was always hard work. Still I never questioned my sexcuality really, despite sometimes watching gay porn.
I met my girlfriend 7 years ago, it took us a while but eventually we enjoyed a decent sex life. But recently I?ve been questioning myself, am I really gay? During COVID I?ve been really hammering the porn, and now I can?t go more than 2 weeks without viewing it. I hadn?t watched gay porn in a while and now I?m back on it.
I don?t want to deny something in me but I don?t feel as if I am truly gay. I?ve never seen a man I?ve felt anything sexual towards in real life at all. But what if I?m just so deeply repressed I don?t know? At 31 I feel like I?m at a crux in my life now, I want an emotional and sexually fulfilling life but I can?t stop watching porn. Depression and anxiety are consuming me as I worry about my sexuality. I miss feeling that aching lust for a woman that I used to have, and that I?ve never had a for a man but why am I watching gay porn? I?ve been trawling through every memory of mine thinking of instances where I might have showed a gay tendency? I?m looking at every male in tv thinking would I sleep with them? It?s destroying me really.
Has anyone else had this issue and recovered? I know I need to stop the porn, but it keeps pulling me back. I went 2 weeks and felt quite good, went back for a look with just pics of nude women and though ah I?m ok, then bang back to gay stuff it?s like a gateway drug. I might add I do think I?ve got some general mental health issues, maybe a touch of autism/ocd.