Questioning my sexuality. Help.

Jimmyjazz

Member
Hi my friend, I can really relate to you. I started with porn when I was young, I went through extreme genres like shemale and now I'm scared of being homosexual... welcome in the club!
I haven't certain answers but let me say to STOP porn and moreover STOP to test yourself! Believe me, if you're going through obsessive thought testing yoursel will let you go worse. As I said in my diary I think that if we go through shemale/gay porn maybe we could have some kind of predisposition/tendency (I don't know what is the best translation, sorry) but it doesn't mean that we are secretly homosexual.
When I asked to my therapist his opinion he answered: "because porn is very easy!". I think that this was just a curiosity that escalated too much.
Write me if you need and remember to forgive yourself!  :)
 

scott.84

Member
Hi everybody,

as regards sexual tastes I can add the following: I've been completely gay since I can think. Never been attracted sexually by girls/women. But my porn use escalated to straight porn since there are acts which just aren't that common in gay porn. I don't want to get into detail here because I'm on day 3 of my reboot and even slightly thinking about that stuff makes me wanna watch it.

So for me, it was never about the girls, there weren't sometimes even men which I found attractive. It has been about that stuff they were doing. So even for me as a gay men, straight porn has recently become more appealing to me than seeing "regular" gay sex acts. Fortunately, it hasn't made me question my sexuality, I guess it's because as a LGBT person you question your sexuality right when you get into puberty feeling different from everyone else. But in fact I do question my sexuality in a way, that I'm not sure I really like that stuff I watched or I am just getting aroused by it. Feeling like it somehow hijacked my mind and made me masturbate to things, that I'd never do in reality (I don't mean having sex with a woman, I mean the sex acts depicted). But sometimes I had to get that extreme stuff in my mind in order to be able to have sex, meaning that I was actually depicting weird straight sex in my mind when having sex with a man which is actually fucked up I guess...
 

Jimmyjazz

Member
Wow scott, the things you said explain a lot of things. I have found this article that I think could be interesting: https://thebrag.com/i-quit-watching-porn-and-this-is-what-happened-to-my-brain/amp/
 

Jack89

Member
scott.84 said:
Hi everybody,

as regards sexual tastes I can add the following: I've been completely gay since I can think. Never been attracted sexually by girls/women. But my porn use escalated to straight porn since there are acts which just aren't that common in gay porn. I don't want to get into detail here because I'm on day 3 of my reboot and even slightly thinking about that stuff makes me wanna watch it.

So for me, it was never about the girls, there weren't sometimes even men which I found attractive. It has been about that stuff they were doing. So even for me as a gay men, straight porn has recently become more appealing to me than seeing "regular" gay sex acts. Fortunately, it hasn't made me question my sexuality, I guess it's because as a LGBT person you question your sexuality right when you get into puberty feeling different from everyone else. But in fact I do question my sexuality in a way, that I'm not sure I really like that stuff I watched or I am just getting aroused by it. Feeling like it somehow hijacked my mind and made me masturbate to things, that I'd never do in reality (I don't mean having sex with a woman, I mean the sex acts depicted). But sometimes I had to get that extreme stuff in my mind in order to be able to have sex, meaning that I was actually depicting weird straight sex in my mind when having sex with a man which is actually fucked up I guess...

Hi Scott, interesting to hear that. I?m certainly not ruling anything out but I think my porn tastes were something similar to yours. It became more about the thrill of the taboo than anything else. When I try to fantasies just using my own thoughts (admittedly difficult with how much porn I?ve watched) I can?t seem to get aroused by men, I?m not revolted just ?meh?, it doesn?t get me going. Whereas there are girls I can easily get aroused by.

Had a few good day, I?m on day 11 now but woke up very depressed. Feel hollow and just so anxious, thinking I?m never going to be able to be intimate with anyone ever again. Like a sadness consuming me. I?m not going to give in though, I know this is my mind playing tricks saying ?just go back to porn?.
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
Great post here Scott84. You're definitely helping a lot of us out here on this forum whose tastes have changed thanks to porn addiction.
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
Jack89 said:
scott.84 said:
Hi everybody,

as regards sexual tastes I can add the following: I've been completely gay since I can think. Never been attracted sexually by girls/women. But my porn use escalated to straight porn since there are acts which just aren't that common in gay porn. I don't want to get into detail here because I'm on day 3 of my reboot and even slightly thinking about that stuff makes me wanna watch it.

So for me, it was never about the girls, there weren't sometimes even men which I found attractive. It has been about that stuff they were doing. So even for me as a gay men, straight porn has recently become more appealing to me than seeing "regular" gay sex acts. Fortunately, it hasn't made me question my sexuality, I guess it's because as a LGBT person you question your sexuality right when you get into puberty feeling different from everyone else. But in fact I do question my sexuality in a way, that I'm not sure I really like that stuff I watched or I am just getting aroused by it. Feeling like it somehow hijacked my mind and made me masturbate to things, that I'd never do in reality (I don't mean having sex with a woman, I mean the sex acts depicted). But sometimes I had to get that extreme stuff in my mind in order to be able to have sex, meaning that I was actually depicting weird straight sex in my mind when having sex with a man which is actually fucked up I guess...

Hi Scott, interesting to hear that. I?m certainly not ruling anything out but I think my porn tastes were something similar to yours. It became more about the thrill of the taboo than anything else. When I try to fantasies just using my own thoughts (admittedly difficult with how much porn I?ve watched) I can?t seem to get aroused by men, I?m not revolted just ?meh?, it doesn?t get me going. Whereas there are girls I can easily get aroused by.

Had a few good day, I?m on day 11 now but woke up very depressed. Feel hollow and just so anxious, thinking I?m never going to be able to be intimate with anyone ever again. Like a sadness consuming me. I?m not going to give in though, I know this is my mind playing tricks saying ?just go back to porn?.

I actually got to a point where I experimented with men. I didn't like it at all the first few times but started liking it later. I am guessing it has to do with how malleable our brains might be to seeking pleasure.

Interestingly enough the urge to have sex with men goes away as soon as I abstain from porn for any significant length of time (2 weeks or more). I then start craving women and looking at images of women and then my brain craves something more extreme and I jump immediately to gay porn. I think it's what my brain now needs to get its dopamine highs.
 

Jack89

Member
So I?m on day 15 of my reboot and I feel like a new person. Over the weekend I?ve had successful sex several times and my cravings for porn have gone. I just want to have real sex with women.

I don?t want to get ahead myself I know temptation will be there but I?m amazed at how good I feel and that I appear to be functioning normally again after just 2 weeks. Perhaps I wasn?t as addicted as I thought?
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
Jack89 said:
So I?m on day 15 of my reboot and I feel like a new person. Over the weekend I?ve had successful sex several times and my cravings for porn have gone. I just want to have real sex with women.

I don?t want to get ahead myself I know temptation will be there but I?m amazed at how good I feel and that I appear to be functioning normally again after just 2 weeks. Perhaps I wasn?t as addicted as I thought?

That's great to hear and it could very well be that you weren't as addicted as you thought.

But as my relapse can tell you, it is just better to stay away from artificial stimulation.
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
Jack89 said:
So I?m on day 15 of my reboot and I feel like a new person. Over the weekend I?ve had successful sex several times and my cravings for porn have gone. I just want to have real sex with women.

I don?t want to get ahead myself I know temptation will be there but I?m amazed at how good I feel and that I appear to be functioning normally again after just 2 weeks. Perhaps I wasn?t as addicted as I thought?

That's great to hear and it could very well be that you weren't as addicted as you thought.

But as my relapse can tell you, it is just better to stay away from artificial stimulation.
 

scott.84

Member
Jack89 said:
So I?m on day 15 of my reboot and I feel like a new person. Over the weekend I?ve had successful sex several times and my cravings for porn have gone. I just want to have real sex with women.

I don?t want to get ahead myself I know temptation will be there but I?m amazed at how good I feel and that I appear to be functioning normally again after just 2 weeks. Perhaps I wasn?t as addicted as I thought?

That's very good to hear. It really gives me hope and motivates me to reach that point, too. I guess that's why we're all on this journey :)
I just want to add one thing: Addiction is an asshole. I used to smoke and had several times when I was smoke-free for a week or maybe two and a little voice in my head would whisper: "What's just one more cigarette? You're over it, you won't like it. Just go ahead and try for yourself!". And I tried. Ending up in smoking again like before. Feeling very powerless towards smoking.
I doesn't have to happen to you, but just know that it can and be aware of that. Despite that: Go for it and be a lucky man 8)
 

Jack89

Member
Thanks, yeah I?m not going to say I?m free of this yet or anything. I still get niggling intrusive thoughts at times but I?m finding it easier to dismiss I them. I know there will be tests to come, say if I?m in a bad mood or sad then it will come back but at least I know when I?m mentally ok I can enjoy intimacy again.

Hope you guys get some respite soon, it will come, there is light at end of tunnel.
 

Jack89

Member
Been really difficult today. Almost as if my brain is trying to tell me that what happened this week wasn?t the ?real me?, testing me to go back. I need to deal with the obsessive thoughts now, I?ve replaced the porn thoughts with just normal sexual ones which is good but it?s all the time, not so good.
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
Hang in there jack.. if possible try to avoid all sexual thoughts. Act sexual (as in the act of sex with real partner) but avoid thoughts if possible.
 

Jack89

Member
Well yesterday was probably the hardest I?ve had since rebooting, mad how I could feel so good and then so bad again. Shows this is not over. Thankfully I managed to push away the urges to watch porn, mainly because I kept remembering how I had felt, even though it felt like another life time. Feel a little better today. Hopefully brain is rebalancingz
 

Jack89

Member
Mad how quickly things change. This time last week I felt like a king, now I feel terrible. Had a dream specifically about searching for porn last night, cravings have been unbearable today. Going to keep going though. At times I could feel arousal, even some dampness round my penis, I hope that isn?t a relapse. I didn?t get erect, look at porn or masturbate.

It?s hard to describe the feeling, it feels like it?s more something in my head than a real desire for sex.
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
Jack89 said:
Mad how quickly things change. This time last week I felt like a king, now I feel terrible. Had a dream specifically about searching for porn last night, cravings have been unbearable today. Going to keep going though. At times I could feel arousal, even some dampness round my penis, I hope that isn?t a relapse. I didn?t get erect, look at porn or masturbate.

It?s hard to describe the feeling, it feels like it?s more something in my head than a real desire for sex.

Classic porn withdrawal symptoms. You're doing well to fight them. Keep fighting, they will get better. And you're absolutely right, it's all in your brain, this is a craving for your dopamine fix that you had starved your brain about.

I have rebooted before and had these issues. This time in my reboot a couple of days ago i started putting in meditation. Try it, it might be helpful to you as well.
 

Jack89

Member
I realapsed. Gutted. 23 days isn?t bad but feels like lost all that ground. So hard when your just sat at home with nothing to do all day.
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
I am sorry about that man. The progress will still be there, just don't give in to the chaser effect. The chaser effect can set you back.

Also did you notice that you probably felt less insecure about your sexuality after putting in 20 days?
 

Jack89

Member
Last week I felt secure, I was fantasising about sex with girls and having enjoyable sex. This week I?ve had quite a low mood and then this dream set me back, I ended up fantasising about the old porn again and then eventually cracked. I don?t know what to think anymore.  When I?m feeling myself I?m pretty sure I?m straight but when the porn urges come back it could be anything.
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
Jack89 said:
Last week I felt secure, I was fantasising about sex with girls and having enjoyable sex. This week I?ve had quite a low mood and then this dream set me back, I ended up fantasising about the old porn again and then eventually cracked. I don?t know what to think anymore.  When I?m feeling myself I?m pretty sure I?m straight but when the porn urges come back it could be anything.

yes, it will happen every time you go back to porn. Once you leave all this behind, you will revert back to your regular sexuality. Your urges to view gay porn will subside. Then if you start watching straight porn again, you will then again progressively move towards gay porn. Unfortunately that's how this addiction works. It will move you to seek more and more shocking material. It happens to me too. I am married, two kids, but suddenly i find that i am craving gay porn because straight porn isn't doing it for me anymore. And I like "WTF.....".

So yes, we have to leave this shit behind and give our brains a long needed break.

Concentrate on recovering and not giving in to the chaser effect. You're definitely making progress.
 
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