Questioning my sexuality. Help.

Jack89

Member
akpal2 said:
Jack89 said:
Last week I felt secure, I was fantasising about sex with girls and having enjoyable sex. This week I?ve had quite a low mood and then this dream set me back, I ended up fantasising about the old porn again and then eventually cracked. I don?t know what to think anymore.  When I?m feeling myself I?m pretty sure I?m straight but when the porn urges come back it could be anything.

yes, it will happen every time you go back to porn. Once you leave all this behind, you will revert back to your regular sexuality. Your urges to view gay porn will subside. Then if you start watching straight porn again, you will then again progressively move towards gay porn. Unfortunately that's how this addiction works. It will move you to seek more and more shocking material. It happens to me too. I am married, two kids, but suddenly i find that i am craving gay porn because straight porn isn't doing it for me anymore. And I like "WTF.....".

So yes, we have to leave this shit behind and give our brains a long needed break.

Concentrate on recovering and not giving in to the chaser effect. You're definitely making progress.

Thanks your words of support.

Tbh I?m thinking of consulting a doctor. I think this might be some deeper in terms of my obsessive thinking, even last week when all I could think about was girls, it was obsessive, all day long etc. I was enjoying it because it felt like me but honestly, I don?t think it was a particularly healthy thought pattern. Sexuality should be something you experience and don?t obsess over.
 

akpal2

Well-Known Member
[/quote]

Thanks your words of support.

Tbh I?m thinking of consulting a doctor. I think this might be some deeper in terms of my obsessive thinking, even last week when all I could think about was girls, it was obsessive, all day long etc. I was enjoying it because it felt like me but honestly, I don?t think it was a particularly healthy thought pattern. Sexuality should be something you experience and don?t obsess over.
[/quote]

Have you read any posts about HOCD? They might be useful for you.
 

Jack89

Member

Thanks your words of support.

Tbh I?m thinking of consulting a doctor. I think this might be some deeper in terms of my obsessive thinking, even last week when all I could think about was girls, it was obsessive, all day long etc. I was enjoying it because it felt like me but honestly, I don?t think it was a particularly healthy thought pattern. Sexuality should be something you experience and don?t obsess over.
[/quote]

Have you read any posts about HOCD? They might be useful for you.
[/quote]

I have but I?m a bit wary of the term, it doesn?t seem to be a stand alone condition and you would normally have OCD more generally than just specifically HOCD. Which is the thing, because I have had other obsessions in my life. They just generally haven?t disturbed my life this has.

 

Jack89

Member
So sadly I did have a couple of days back on the sauce, so to speak but I?m back to day 3 without porn.

Porn I ended up with was more vanilla this time, hopefully a sign my brain is rengaging with my true self. I think a big part of my problem is boredom, my job is working from home at the moment and it?s very dull.
 
Sorry to yea you relapsed. I know the feeling all too well. I'm in IT so I worked on a computer 24/7 even before covid. I created a vision board, so that I can see the goals I've set for myself. I'm married and my wife and I want to start having kids. We got married in 2017 and our sex life has been weak. I thought she was the problem but Porn was the problem the whole time. One of the photos on my vision board is a couple with 2 kids. I have it on my computer screen so I can see it every day. We need as much motivation as possible. I also have a free app/software called Qustodio. It's a blocker you can put on your phone and computer. It does the job and if you get it I suggest you get someone to create the password on your account so you don't log in and disable the settings in order to watch.
 

Jack89

Member
Failed again. Will this ever end? So dark.

It started by trying to check myself by judging my reaction to google images, then came the cravings etc. It?s such an odd thing, it doesn?t feel like a natural reaction, I become aroused by actually having a porn site in my mind, not a human being etc. I don?t know if I?m ever going to recover.
 
We've all been there mentally and physically. Just the thought of me sneaking out of bed to watch porn or knowing my wife is leaving the house soon would arouse me. I just wrote on someone's post yesterday about the "check in" to see if everything works. It's a trap. You have to KNOW it will go back to normal if you give it time.
 
Hey Jack89,

This is just my uneducated and unprofessional opinion, but I don't get the impression you're gay when I read your first post. To me, it sounds more like pornography taking hold of you and your brain. It sounds like you got bored of the regular stuff and sought out novelty and taboo, at least taboo in the sense that it went against what you truly believe and feel. We are exposed to so much different material that it's disorienting.

For myself, I fell into fetish material and found myself on that exclusively before I decided to take action. I got bored of the regular stuff and needed something different and exciting, forbidden and against what I truly believe and feel. I was, and still am, addicted to the novelty, not even the material I was watching; just the novelty and excitement was what I wanted. Of course, this is my own unprofessional diagnosis, so take what I say lightly.

If you think there is something deeper going on, then definitely reach out to someone professional who might be able to sort out your dilemma.
 

Jack89

Member
Day 4. Feeling good. The intrusive thoughts that have plagued me for months are nowhere near as intense. This means I?m able to think about other things easily and I?m not not constantly on edge, meaning I?m less likely to realapse.

I?ve not been interested in sex at all but I?m pleased by this, my brain needs a break.
 

Jack89

Member
1 week done. Not counting any chickens but feeling confident. Had a sex dream last night but haven?t had the usual urges, I?m able to catch myself when fantasies occur and switch off, which previously I found very difficult.

Enjoying not being obsessed with sexual thoughts, that was always a major road to relapse when it feels as if you?re constantly fighting.
 
Jack,

Keep up the hard work! One week is a great accomplishment. You made it through 7 days; now see if you can do 8. Take baby steps. Have you watched the Gary Wilson Ted tlk "the great porn experiment" here on Reboot Nation? Right around the 14-15 minute area, he touches very, very briefly on your issue of sexual orientation. I'll paste the link below to make it easier for ya.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU
 

Jack89

Member
Mikeyp8619 said:
Jack,

Keep up the hard work! One week is a great accomplishment. You made it through 7 days; now see if you can do 8. Take baby steps. Have you watched the Gary Wilson Ted tlk "the great porn experiment" here on Reboot Nation? Right around the 14-15 minute area, he touches very, very briefly on your issue of sexual orientation. I'll paste the link below to make it easier for ya.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU

Thanks for that, certainly something I recognise.

Had two further intense dreams last night, first one was just about normal sex with a woman, fine. Second one was actually about searching for porn and finding it etc, I woke up and thought I?d realapsed the dream was so realistic. Thankfully it wasn?t a wet dream and think was just my brain having a tantrum.
 

Jack89

Member
Managed sex last night. Mad cravings today, must be the chaser. I know I?m fortunate to not have total PIED but I know my sex life can be a lot better when porn is a distant memory.
 

Jack89

Member
Had a real wobble this evening. Usual thing, thought I?d test and got aroused instantly, then spent nearly half an hour thinking about giving into porn, I almost felt like I was high? I?m guessing this might be the dopamine. I didn?t give in thank god.
 
Jack,

Don't panic. I told myself not to masturbate for Lent, and I did yesterday, but I was happy because it was the first time I made it a week without masturbating in a long time, so I accomplished a lot. I'm going to start again and shoot for 8 days and try 9 after that. You went 2 weeks, and that is a massive accomplishment. Don't be too hard on yourself.

About your phone, if you're serious about it, you can do two things: get Covenant Eyes, or, if you have an iPhone, go to "screen time" and select "content restrictions and privacy settings" and block out websites that trigger or distract you. Then have someone else set a passcode so that you cannot reverse the settings. Delete the YouTube app from your phone. It's a pain to have to download again, and by that time, you will have caught yourself and snapped out of it.

For me, I have Covenant Eyes. Through "screen time," I have blocked Safari and all websites that might trigger me. I have blocked YouTube as well. I use the Covenant Eyes app to search the web.

If you're confused, then let me know. Watch this short 4 minute video below and it will show you what I mean.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTKhmY4zuFU

 

Jack89

Member
Thanks I will try it. Feel terrible, it was the usual just testing thing my brain always starts bullying me and persuading me it won?t harm. Today the same images don?t arouse me at all.
 

Jack89

Member
It appears I may have burnt out. I was all prepared to another porn session but nothing is working, flicked through all different genres but can?t get aroused. Hopefully a good sign.
 
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