The journey continues

[Gigili]

He everyone!

This is my first journal posting.
I am a 32 y/o married man. I have been addicted to porn since I was 15 y/o, so roughly I am addicted for around 17 years. Like most men of my age, I started porn with erotic pics which soon evolved to porn videos.

Unlike most people who are struggling with ED, I have problem with premature ejaculation. I barely can have any intercourse before I finish off. I think this is because my porn watching habit is different. Although most people might watch porn for hours, edging, to keep the dopamine level high, I was always in hurry to finish off. This is probably because I was afraid someone might find out what I was doing. I was not watching porn every day, but two or three times a week, for sure!

The main reason why I am here is that I have gradually lost all my interest in having sex with my wife. We are married for three years and although she is a very pretty and sexy girl, I would rather PMO to have sex with her.

I have also had brain fog, depression, anxiety, lack of quality sleep, and low motivation during most of my adulthood. I was on anti-depressant medication for over a year and I don't think it had any particular positive effects. I was never thinking my problems might have been related to porn and I still think some of my problems might not be directly related to porn, however, I am convinced that it is very harmful and I will destroy my marriage eventually if I continue avoiding sex and preferring M to P. I'm not sure what will happen if my wife figures out but I would rather not to find out right now! When I read YBOP book about a month ago, it suddenly made sense to me why I have no interest in having sex with my wife!

Right after reading the book, I started my journey. I am on my day 20 right now. Since I was not an every day porn watcher, I did not have much problem the first two weeks. The urges started from the third week. I started to have some weird feelings, Anxiety, irritability, and mood swings. I have lost all my motivation to do anything productive. I managed to stick to my plan as I don't want to have these feelings over and over again after each relapse, but it is getting particularly difficult these days.

My main problem is this F...King Covid thing. Since March, I am working from home and it is not obvious when I will be back to workspace. My wife has a full-time job so I am alone at home most of the day. I am using merely will power to prevent myself from relapsing but my will power might wear out at some point. Staying at home for several months is stressful and depressing enough, combined with withdrawal symptoms, it has become even harder. I barely do anything productive during the day and mostly waste my time, sleep a lot and play video games. This is the reason why I started writing this journal. Maybe I find some motivation?!

The only positive thing that I do is that I bought a gym membership. I go to gym every morning which I think is helpful. I was wondering what other people do in this "stay-home" situation? I am loosing my mind and I became completely numb. I have requested to go back to my workspace since a limited number of employees are allowed to go back, but I am not sure if I will be authorized to go back. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

 

[ShadeTrenicin]

Hey Gigili, welcome to the forum and well done on admitting you have a problem. It's a very imporatant piece of the puzzle to admit to yourself that you are an addict.

no matter the issues you experience from P (premature ejaculation or PIED) you will find a lot of likeminded people on here and when you read other guys threads you will find that you are not alone in your journey.

I hope to read more on your progess on here!


Stay safe and stay strong, I am rooting for you

 

[Chris1986]

Hi and congratulations fellow new traveler. I done my first post today and hope we can get through this.

You talking about premature ejactulation made me remember I use to suffer with the same issue when I was first having sex. Rather than realising inward addicted I trained myself to last longer and edge(didnt know the term back then.) to the porn

I think it's best you talk to your wife and let her know what is going on. I was caught out and kept lying and lying fighting for survival with the addiction fully in driver seat.
You need her to find out from you being honest and let her know you are trying to fix this and that you will need support. If she knows and the anger and hurt feelings erupt she can help you through it.
I wish I confessed.

 

[recovery000]

Hey Gigili,

Welcome to the forum. It is good that you recognize the harm that porn has caused to your life and your loved ones. That is a strong motivation to start a reboot for the greater good. I understand your current situation very well. Staying home alone every single day is incredibly hard if you want to avoid porn. I was never able to master that in the past. The only method that worked for me was to create a routine *outside* of the house. You GYM membership is a good start. It seems to me that you should try more things in that direction. I used to go to a quiet place, like a library, and do my work from there, and doing my best to stay away from that lonely house.

Is there a place in you city where you can go spend the day and, at the same time, do some productive work? That would be my number one advice. If you are home alone and want to commit to a reboot, find another (less private) place to spend your days.

I wish you the very best

 

[Gigili]

Thanks ShadeTrenicin,  Chris1986, and recovery000. Thank you for your advises. I appreciate it and it means a lot to me.

Yesterday I talked to my wife about the situation although I did not go into details. At least at this point I don't think it is necessary for her to know all the details. I have recently entered the flat line. Although sometimes I feel some degree of libido, most of the time I fell nothing, It is mostly the lack of attraction to my partner mentally since I had no physical problem getting erected (Although it wouldn't last a long and I would finish off very quickly). I still have MW these days.

I am on my day 24 now. As I read on one of the threads in this forum, I am trying to make the mindset that "Porn is not an option anymore". I don't want to experience this shit again, so I am moving forward without looking back. My mood these days is not that bad considering this "stay home" situation. It is like a wave, sometimes I feel good with some episodes of totally down.

The main challenge for me is still this Covid situation. Thanks recovery000 for your advice; I am trying to find somewhere out of the house to spend my days but with no success yet. The weather is getting cold here and spending time outside is not an option. Although the economic centers are open, most public places such as libraries are still closed which makes it difficult to find some place to go.

Other than that, I am still doing fine. It is my day 24 of no PMO.

Does anybody know when will be the peak of urges and withdrawal symptoms before they start to fade away? I have read a couple of threads here but did not find a conclusive time (maybe there is no such a thing!). I don't know what I should expect to see in the near future. Is it going to get better or worse?!

 

[Chris1986]

hey man nice to see you back. congrats on day 24!

How did your wife take the news?

are there any hobbies you have or been interesting to start that you could do at home? Maybe something creative?
I understand what you mean about wave. I have gone from awful to super amazingly buzzing to awful today.

I might be getting my facts wrong but i think i read something like the first 7/14 days is when your brain is basically screaming at you cause it thinks it needs it for survival.

Anyways man know that I am cheering you on. YOU CAN DO THIS

 

[Gigili]

Day 28 of no PMO.

Thanks Chris1986 for your comments. As I said, I did not go into the details with my wife as I don't think it will necessarily help in this situation. What I told her is that I am in some sort of emotional/mood crisis period right now and need some support.

I requested to go back to my workplace a couple of weeks ago. Talking to my supervisor, it is likely that I get access to my workplace sooner or later and it is a good news for me! Coping with the Covid and "stay home" stuff is stressful enough; combined with withdrawal symptoms it becomes a bit intimidating. I have an small workshop in my apartment and I spend some of my time there and it helps to get distracted. With the weather getting colder, my outdoor hobbies will become limited (biking, swimming, paddle boarding, hiking, ...).

When reading the YBOP book, sometimes I was thinking why didn't I seek such information before?! Why didn't I suspect that P could be the source of the problems?! I always knew that P is not good but I was always thinking I will deal with the depression, lack of exercise, my relationship, etc first and then I will take care of P. I was blind to the fact that P could be the source of many problems and maybe I should address it first!

But it is never late! I have read the story of others in this forum and sometimes I feel grateful that at least I found the information before the situation getting out of control. I was a mild/moderate P user. Never edged to P, didn't go to strange/shocking/aggressive P, and was PMO'ing occasionally. I think this is the reason why my withdrawals are somehow milder than what I read in other people's threads.

With that said, it is still an addiction and I don't want to underestimate it. I have done it for 17 years and had tried to quit and failed several times probably because I did not have an strong reason/logic to quit. But with all the things I learned during the past couple of weeks, I am now done with P. I am determined to end this addiction.

I still go to gym everyday and I think it is very helpful. My feelings are still like waves, sometimes I am high, minutes later I can be way down.

 

[Chris1986]

Hey man thats fair enough you haven't gone into the details but my personal view is addictions love secrecy. They feed off it. I feel being more open about it now means it cannot hide. I have my partner and friends knowing I have it so now their is no hiding it or just trying to push it down and hoping it goes away.

Hope you can get back to work soon man.

What indoor hobbies do you have?

I did check out YBOP site a few times in the past and checked out no fap before being outed but never took the leap cause I felt like i could it on my own. Now i know for 100% I cannot.

Have you had many mood swings? I have been all over the place. Today is a good day though!

 

[Gigili]

Days of no PMO: 40

My personality is more towards and introverted, so I read/listen a lot and speak/write a little. This is why I don't update the journal often.
The journey still continues and I am still going strong. The good news is that my request to go back to my workplace has been accepted and I go to work during the day. This is very helpful. At least I don't have to struggle at home alone during the days.

All in all, I feel fine. I still go to the gym everyday which I think is very helpful. I memorized all the details of the floor tiles in the gym though because as soon as I look up, there are hot spandexed girls everywhere  So I prefer to look down at the floor 

My mood is not bad these days and it is getting better with going back to work.

@Chris
Living in a foreign country, I don't have the support of my family or friends. Neither does my wife. This is the reason why I don't think it will necessarily help to open up the issue to her at this point.
About the mood swings, my mood was all over the place in the first couple of weeks. Really bad. I feel I am getting better now. I am trying to make positive changes in other aspects of my life as well. I am listening to positive podcasts, uninstalled the useless apps from my phone and installed some useful ones, try to eat healthier etc.

I do my best to stay guarded all the time as I know sometimes only one moment of weakness is enough to relapse. Specially when we think we are done with P. Although I feel progress, I know I am far from done with this the addiction that has been with me for 17 years.

 

[stepbystep]

Congrats on 40 days. I feel I?m very similar to you in terms of your story. On day 5 now so I?m going to try to follow your footsteps. Keep up the great work

 

[Gigili]

Days of no PMO: 49

@stepbystep
Thank you for your encouraging response. I hope you are doing well in your journey as well.

Tomorrow it will be day 50 of no PMO. During the past week, I had sex with my wife twice and it was quite nice. I was able to "feel" the joy and passion during sex. It was a missing feeling for a long time. Before starting my journey, having sex for me was some sort of obligation, I never really wanted it. Although I was able to reach orgasm, it was never a strong one like the ones I had while watching porn. So for me PMO was always preferable to real sex. But I can feel that having sex is getting more enjoyable. It is not yet perfect but it feels a lot better. Fortunately I did not have much chaser affect afterwards.

During this 50 days, I was trying to eliminate as much as virtual stimuli as I can. There I realized how sexualized everything is! It is really hard to eliminate it because it is everywhere. Being bored, I started watching "the boys" tv series a couple of days ago since I really like this science-fiction super hero genre of movies. After a couple of episodes, I thought O' man, this is awful, it is almost porn! It is full of violence and sexual content. I stopped watching the series.
I was thinking If I want to eliminate all the non-real stimuli, I probably have to quit watching movies since most of them have at least some sort of sexual content in them.

Otherwise, I am still fine, moving forward slowly. I still workout a couple of days a week which I think is really helpful. I still have a shitty mood sometimes and I still don't have much motivation to be productive but I always tell to myself, no matter how stressed or depressed I feel, "porn is not an option anymore".

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

'not an option anymore' - perfect quote.

I had sex with my wife twice and it was quite nice. I was able to "feel" the joy and passion during sex. It was a missing feeling for a long time. Before starting my journey, having sex for me was some sort of obligation, I never really wanted it.

It was the exact same with me. Maybe you've read it in my journal. Today i enjoy intimacy with the GF again and i like it. But, there is a problem with PMO. PMO gives us a supernormal stimulus. This stimulus is so extreme, the brain won't forget how it felt. This lead me to think, i will enjoy my time with the GF but i can't compare it to what PMO felt like. The whole PMO feeling is unnormal, not real and in the end unhealthy.

Congratulations to your 49 days or tomorrow 50 days. Be proud of yourselfe, never feel comfort in addiction, there is none. Keep on walking, calm and steady. The symptoms will fade sooner or later.

Imsor

 

[EarthWalker]

+1.

It is only after 40 days (some number I got from a NoFap YT video) that the brain starts to slowly dismantle the addiction machinery in the brains.

Keep on walking. Wish you all the best on the reboot.

EW

 

[Gigili]

Thanks EarchWalker and Imsorry. Your contribution to my journal means a lot to me. It gives me a sense of belonging here. In my whole life I was feeling I was out of the circle but being here, writing in this journal, and seeing all these amazing guys commenting and contributing feels really good.

Today it wad day of 64 and I am still going. I know that I should be vigilant and not to lose my focus. I have been struggling with this addiction for 17 years and it will take way more than this until I can say I am done with it. With that said, I feel pretty good these days. I still go to the gym a couple of days per week. I think my life is changing for better.

I recently joined a hiking team in our city and went out with them twice on different hikes. The people in the group are awesome and I feel great being in the nature with these people. I think I have started to get my "feelings" back. The feelings that had been numbed by PMO. I see these activities as parts of the rewiring process. We should substitute the unnatural excitement of PMO with reel joy found in real activities.

About a week ago I started watching a series called "World's Toughest Race: Eco-Challenge Fiji" on Amazon Prime. It was an amazing show. It was very inspirational. Looking these tough people pushing their boundaries for several days in a row was admirable. I think it is really important to be tough mentally and physically. It helps us to be able to endure much more pain and accomplish things which seems impossible to many people. I am happy that quitting PMO has caused my a chain of good events and experiences in my life. I wish to be able to keep up this pace and get improved. I am really positive right now and I feel after many many years I can have motivation and enthusiasm to get things done.

 

[SebUK]

Hi! Sounds like you're doing great. Keep it up!

Reading through your journal, it sounds like you lost your motivation in the third week maybe because your brain was readjusting to the lack of porn (i.e. it was wondering where all the dopamine hits had gone), but now your brain sounds like it's returning to normal. Great news!

I definitely agree that getting outside and doing exercise is so important to beating this. FOr people like me (introverts and gamers!), this is much easier said than done. But it still needs to be done!

Keep up the good work.

 

[Deleted member 17609]

Keep going, mate! 2 months is a great start. I hope things continue to go well for you. Keep it up.

 

[Gigili]

Days of no PMO: 82

Thanks Bilbo Baggins and SebNZ for your encouraging replies. It means a lot to me. SebNZ, I am also an introvert and a some sort of nerd. It is still hard for me to go out,  communicate and blend in specially because I am in a foreign country and English is not my first language.

It has been a while since I updated my journal the last time but I was still holding on to my journey. During the past couple of weeks I had both good days and bad days. Sometimes I had some urges (some strong ones) after having sex with my wife which was Chaser I think. The interesting thing is that I had no Chaser in the first two months.

Unfortunately my mood is not good these days. I am down and depressed most of the time and my sleep is horrible. I have no motivation whatsoever to get out of bed these days. I sleep till noon and my productivity is plunged at work. I am a bit lost and I don't know what to do to increase my motivation and lower my depression. I still manage to go to gym a couple of days per week.

This shows to me that quitting PMO is not a magic bullet that can end depression, anxiety and bad moods suddenly. While reading the book "Your brain on porn" there were some quotes from people who had magical outcomes by abstaining form porn and I was a bit suspicious about those stories. At least I can say it has not been true for me. I don't want to be discouraging as I think the harms of watching P far outweigh its benefits (if any). What I am saying is one should have reasonable expectations from this process. All the mental problems would not evaporate just by eliminating P.

I hope my mood gets better and I gain some motivation. Otherwise, I am doing "not bad" and planning to stay on this journey strong. I have just one week to complete the 90 days checkpoint. 

 

[Gigili]

I relapsed.

It has been 10 months since my last post in this forum. I made it to 90 days milestone but long days of staying at home alone due to Covid finally took its toll. I got depressed and couldn't resist anymore. I was struggling with depression for quite some time. My physician was insisting me to go on antidepressants but I didn't agree. My sessions with my psychologist was quite helpful though. I am feeling relatively better these days.

I am still quite afraid of winter. I have had seasonal depression in the past couple of years during winter. I have tried "happy lamps" but not consistently so I don't know if they actually work. I know exercise helps but some days I have no energy whatsoever and I have to push myself to do anything.

Anyways, this is day 20 of no PMO. I started on August 15. I was in travel for two weeks and I was busy so the first two weeks wasn't that difficult. These days however, I have urges. I am doing my best to resist. Lets see what happens.