I need to do this. (200+ days)

Chris1986

Active Member
Apologies if this is hard to follow and a bit all over the place. Hopefully with time can structure these better

My name is Chris 33 years of age and been a user or porn and dopamine abuser for my entire adult life.
.
This has recently been discovered by my fiancee who now knows I basically been living a double life of manic masturbation to porn (straight, gay,trans, sissy,hypnos), sexting, seeking/purchasing images from sex workers online, findoms and fantasizing about sex with other people even posting on reddit seeking local people to "chat to on kik, maybe more" although I had no intention of meeting them is was the rush. She is absolutely heart broken and hearing her heart snap as she cried/screamed haunts me.

This is destroying my life and thankfully my fiancee is willing to work with me trying to fix myself. I love her with all my heart and all this other stuff I viewed as seperate. I think compartmentalize.

This has been an issue in most my relationships when being a heavy user not being able to perform sexually with partners.

I have tried to stop but I would always crawl back to it.

A few months ago during lockdown I was caught with a Google drive with images. She was distraught and she gave me every opportunity to let her know if there was anything else. I lied and I felt myself watch me lie and scream at myself like what the hell are you doing!?

She had suspicions something was still going on as I she thought I was less and less interested in her sexually. I changed my work and was home hours before her and I was using heavily. When we tried to have sex i couldn't perform. I realised it was getting bad and I confessed that I been using porn and it's getting to be a problem and that I will sort it. I still didnt confess to everything else.

I have also been messaging an ex that I promised my fiancee that I would not. Nothing sexual but i think it was giving me dopamine.

It has been nearly two weeks since using porn

I encouraged my fiancee to seek counselling as she was having issues. I told her it's ok to not be ok and seek help. In the last few weeks it has gone from me being the only healthy relationship in her life to this.
She questioned me. Wanted to look through my phone . She gave me chance and chance to be honest tell her what she is going to see and I lied and lied again. .I am being honest with her now but the trust is gone. I have had an on the phone consultation with a councillor and looking at doing weekly sessions.

I want to kill this side of me I hate it. I want to work on saving this relation and create a new REAL normal.
I know I am asking the world of her but I am so thankful she is trying to help and stay.

I need to do this.
I need to save us.
I need to save me.
 

EarthWalker

Active Member
Hi, Chris.

How was your (early) childhood?

From my POV practically all of my P addiction is sourcing from my early childhood. Absent father/mother. My father had issues with alcoholism and my mother has some unconscious misandry issues. Not a happy environment and family genetics to be born into.

I am finding solace in the psychology of concentration camp, psychology of foster kids and psychology of adult children of alcoholics. I did not know ACA is a thing.

Wish you all the best on your journey.

EW
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
Hi Chris.

I understand your pain. I've been through the straight, transexual phase and then onto hypno an sissy porn, which I think represents a real low point in this addiction. So, I understand a little of what you're going through.

Congratulations on being porn free for two weeks! That is a real achievement. That might sound patronising, but when most addicts start out, two weeks is an almost impossible goal. I know this from experience. I'm sorry your partner found out, but perhaps it's for the best. Now you know the consequences of your porn addiction and that will hopefully spur you on to success.

Regarding PIED (porn induced erectile dysfunction), that will improve. I know this from experience too. I'm on my 6th reboot, and I've recovered enough during my previous reboots to have strong erections and fulfilling sex. However, here I am on my 6th attempt at beating this addiction. I hope that immediately sets alarm bells ringing in your head; '6th attempt'! Even after recovering, porn seduced me and pulled me back in, and started the whole PIED process again. This is not a program for quitting for 6 months or a year. You are an porn addict and you have to eliminate this from your life forever. Sound daunting? It is! It's a real battle, but keep checking in on the forum, read the success stories, come and pour your heart out here if you can't with your partner. Nobody will judge you here, we're all in the same boat.

How have your first two weeks been? I remember the first two weeks of my first reboot. It felt like I was crawling out of my skin.

Good luck. Everybody here is willing you to succeed.
 

ShadeTrenicin

Well-Known Member
Hi Chris,

First of all welcome on here! It's an important step to take since you have now admitted to yourself that you are addicted.
I recognize a lot of what you wrote about the lying to your partner and the need to message other people just for dopamine.

I want to offer you with some unasked for advice;

- While you said to your fiancee to go for help, might i suggest that you seek help together? All in all this affects you as a couple. Also, there is also a partner section on here where she can post.
- Fully disclose everything to your fiancee. If this is to work you need to lay everything out on the table. This will be rough as fuck for both of you but it's necessary. Also, do not expect the feelings of distrust from her to go away quickly. It will take months, maybe even years. I'm not saying that you need to out every juicy detail but just the outlines.
- Involve her in your journey towards a porn free life. Let her know what you are doing to beat it, talk about your feelings. Don't hide parts of this journey from your fiancee. Involve her in it.
- Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk! with each other. The addiction is your issue, but it has an effect on your relationship.
- Post on here, but also read on here a lot. There's a ton of information in the threads of us other addicts. You will find tips and tricks from experience but also recognition. You will feel less alone!

So about your 20 days clean, that is well done. What steps have you undertaken to prevent any future relapses? Urges will come at a certain point.


Good luck my friend, I am rooting for you
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
I just wanted to add something to Shade's comments.

I agree with all the points, getting help together is the right thing to do. You're a couple.

However, I wouldn't disclose everything! I don't know if she knows about your sissy hypnosis porn, or the gay porn, but I imagine the pain she's feeling right now is intense. I don't see the point in twisting the knife. She knows you have a porn habit, if not a full blown addiction. That's difficult enough to deal with. If you abstain from porn the sissy/gay/transexual fetish will just fade away. This is how it happened for me. Once you've cleaned the sissy/gay/transexual fetish out of your system it's inconsequential. You've been open enough. I imagine the bond holding your relationship has been weakened. I wouldn't test to see if it breaks by revealing the full depth of your addiction.

Just my 2 cents worth.
 

Chris1986

Active Member
EW.
My early child was good. Parents still together and I actually still work with my father. Have an older sister who is part of my same social circle sharing many friends so i dint think this stems from anything from them.

I have been porn free for 2 weeks before but since it wasn't out in the open I slipped back into it.. I am worried but trying g a porn blocker on my phone and keeping my fiancee up to date with what I am doing, what I am research and what I am trying.
I did a hypno from I think your brain on porn the other week. I felt that helped.

The PIED  issue I also have had on/off throughout my life depending on how deep I was using at the time.

We are going to have couples therapy but she wants me to do some work on myself first.

Sadly I feel I have already twisted the knife. I told her about a Taiwanese guy who I sent videos too. Would call me daddy and get off to fact I fucked my fiancee who I called my wife.

She asked have I told her everything and I honestly couldn't be sure as she found stuff I can't even remember doing.
 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
Hello Chris,

i will be a bit direct now.
You've been discovered, you feel deep shame and you blame yourself for everything. Partly true and there are dangers waiting.

An addict doesn't act right. He acts to satisfy the need. Your fetishes are a form of that and they have nothing to do with you. This is not your fault, its an outcome of addiction. Don't blame yourself for that.

The fiancee knowing all the details doesn't help. She will most likely twist them up in weird ideas and theories. Tell her about the addiction, self education on ybop, rn, etc. and tell her how you are working on it. Details don't matter from my experience.

I understand you are in some kind of red alert mode. This is a big motivator for you, but be aware of the stress that induces and feel deep inside yourself if stress is contributing to your usage of PMO.

You probably had a good image of yourself your whole life, like a lot of us. The image of the addict who is seeking out absurd fetishes on the internet and is chatting with weirdos doesn't fit, right? Think about who you are, what were you thinking of yourself that it's ok to PMO for so long? You knew that something wasn't right with PIED in your relationship, yet still you holded on to PMO.
I regard myself a different person now and i view my GF with different eyes. She knew nothing for years and i had pathetic excuses for not 'working' right and still she loved me.

Do the right thing and stay with us, contribute whenever you feel like. Quitting PMO will give you new time slots. Fill them with self education, positive events, come to RN. From my experience this helps.

Imsor
 

Chris1986

Active Member
My partner use to work in drug services so she understands about addiction but never had any experience of porn/sex addiction. She had been been so supportive getting me links to find counsellors, articles and videos about porn addiction and dopamine ect.
We have had really good talk today. She say she is starting to understands that my actions were the addiction talking but is still finding it hard to separate me and the addiction.

I am feeling high stress and got a constant headache at the moment but not sure if the headache is withdrawal?

My Image of myself is shattered right now but i want to be the man that she fell in love with. Just him and not the addiction.

I been getting paranoid and dopamine. I am a creative type making and recording my own music but i am worried about even listening to too much right cause worried too much dopamine from that might trigger a need for the PMO dopamine high?
 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
She say she is starting to understands that my actions were the addiction talking but is still finding it hard to separate me and the addiction.

This i know very well. If you believe in yourself and your recovery she will feel that and will learn to seperate the two. It needs time. Be upright and honest.

Dopamin is something we can when we are excited about something we feel happy with. Wiring your dopamin level to normal balance is just the right method to go with. It's impossible to not get dopamin. Understand that the dopamin shots we get from endless P novelty is sky rocketing (super normal stimulus) for which our brains not made for, it's unnatural. Everything else is natural, so enjoy yourself. My advice, stay away from O for a determined period.
 

EarthWalker

Active Member
Hi, Chris.

Just to finish off my P is a coping mechanism theme. I am very happy to hear that your childhood and parents are good. This is extremely important. For me P is a coping mechanism for some unprocessed abuse, shock, trauma and devastation to use some more heavy handed terms. In your case. If this is something you just picked up along the way and not as a coping mechanism. In that case you are on a fast track to recovery.

I'd try to minimise stress. A lot easier said than done. About the fetishes. I share some. I think some of it is just what you randomly stumble upon + the novelty factor + go from there. One fetish I relapse the most to, it started from the very first F video I stumbled upon that produced a lot of novelty and shock. In my view there is no deeper meaning to be head from explaining the details of F to either yourself or others.

EW
 

Chris1986

Active Member
I think after discussing with my fiancee I always try to keep busy. Like I have so many hobbies and use to have more. I know I use to be very unhappy in my early teenage years. Why I could not understand. I spent lots of evenings on AOL chat rooms, msn and seeking porn. I dunno if it helped numb it.
For many years I could only express my feelings when I was drunk. I was a very heavy drinker for a while. Would be having minimum of 10 pints a night at one point. I still drink now but like 2 times a week.
I dunno if that is related to this but it's that I use to think if I had a problem with anything it would of been drink.

My first counselling session is booked in for Thursday.
 

Chris1986

Active Member
I am nervous about my first counselling session but i know it's the right thing to do.

So far the only people that know about this our myself, my fiancee, my sister +partner and one of my friends.

Telling my parents was super hard but they are being supportive.

Today me and my fiancee have been talking a lot. I am working on being more honest with her but there was once point where i was asked if i ever messaged anyone while she was in the house. At first i lied but after chat a bit more i confessed. She didn't get angry but she did point out that lied again at first. I need to take time before answering difficult questions that i don't really want to answer rather than letting the addiction just start survival mode and spitting out lies instantly.

We were chatting about sex. We said we don't think it will be happening anytime soon but also thought it would be good not to put an outright ban on it either. Talking about it actually seemed to got me in the mood which I told her. We ended up having Sex and it felt very raw and real. I been having a pounding headache for the last few days and when i finished i thought my head was going to explode.
We both know this hasn't magically fixed everything  and I am still working hard on improving myself and getting well.

Going back to the headaches. Did anyone else feel like your brain was trying to almost tear itself apart at times? With stabbing pains in the temples?

 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
There can be all sorts of strange withdrawal effect. I never suffered from severe headaches, but I remember reading some people do. They will pass.
 

Chris1986

Active Member
Confession. I was messaging and sent an image on kik on Monday and was still messaging the ex up to the day of discovery (Wednesday). This would would make today day 4 of no P.
I am sorry cause still lied even on here. I am going to keep working on being honest.

We went through my phone again today and deleted various accounts to things like kik, paypal and other possible triggers.  We found more things on there like a dropbox that I cant remember using for images. While she was on my Kik and that dropbox I was pacing around the room. my heart and head was pounding and I swear my skin was itching. It was horrid.
Also setting up web watcher app on my phone which one of my oldest friends has taken on the role of parent in monitoring that. I wanted my fianc? to have the app but felt it was too much and that ?she wants to remain my partner, not my parent.?

We also had sex again last night and this morning. We still don?t know if this is the right thing to be doing but she wanted to feel close to me and god I felt so close to her. It felt so raw and real. I feel like I am noticing her more. I can smell her (in a nice way) more. I always Loved her and can?t imagine my life without her but I feel like I am falling deeper in love with her. I want to view her as my saviour but I know that is not her job. I keep saying out loud things like ?I know this doesn?t fix things?, ?I know things are not fixed.? more of a reminder to myself that I need to keep working hard on improving myself.

There was a point yesterday while talking she asked if I wanted her just to forget all about it and did we want to carry on as we were. I told her no as it would be unfair as it has been so utterly unfair on her our entire relationship. I still feeling deep shame and hatred towards myself right now.

Today I am going to start reading the Porn Trap. Has anyone else read this?

Anyway if you are reading this I hope you are keeping well and I am cheering you on.

More updates soon. Merry Sunday.
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
Well don't on being honest. That's a huge step in the right direction. Sometimes when we lie to people enough times we start to believe the lie ourselves. It's important that you acknowledge the scale of the problem, then you can resolve it.

Regarding sex with your partner, everyone is different. If it feels right for you both then I think it's OK.

Good luck!
 

Chris1986

Active Member
@MouseMat yeah i am really working hard at the honesty. Like I think I wrote before I am trying to take my time answering the difficult hard questions about my addiction and what it entails.

Right now as i write this I feel like I am crashing after a bit of manic energy earlier where i vacuumed the house and sorted the kitchen. Since Wednesday house work has not been a priority but with trying to get better have to start living better. I listened to two Biffy Clyro albums ( Puzzles and The Vertigo of Bliss) and i dunno if it was the manic energy but the music seemed to take hold of me more. Music is my main passion in life. I play in bands (sadly not really right now due to covid) and written and recorded 3 albums. Be interesting how being sober from P and all things that stemmed from P will affect my creative output.

Yesterday me and my partner were struggling to sort out a blocker on my phone. We had one of my oldest friends helping on his end and being my accountability partner but sadly the app didn't do what I needed it to. We sorted it out now but more on that later.

I am not sure what day it was. Could of been yesterday or day before days are blurring into each other currently. Anyways we were going through the paypal payments I have made for pics and discovered I bout pics on valentines day and the day after her birthday. The already huge shame and guilt rose higher in my. I grabbed my phone and threw it across the room (sorry landlord) while probably saying something insulting to myself while my brain wanted to tear it apart. I need to kill this sickness.
 
In the evening we decided to have Chinese as we didn't end up doing out usual weekly food shop on Saturday. We were watching black mirror (possibly not the happiest option to be watching right now.) My Fiancee went quiet and went up stairs. I will not go into full details but I had to console and hold her down for a while. It was not a good night for her. We went to bed with her being really upset, I Tried consoling her and telling that I was gonna keep working hard on getting myself well. She did not get any sleep that night. I woke up a couple of times with her sat up on her phone. At around 2ish i think she woke me up and confronted me about dating websites i was getting emails from. We went through each and everyone so she could see the profiles and any messages. 2 of time were deactivated so had to activate them so she could see and then go through the steps to fully delete the account. One of them wasn't actually real is was just spam. Their were no messages and the profiles bare besides required profile pics which non were of me but sadly one of the profile pics was a picture of my parents cat. That she took and sent me. These apps were from a little a phase I think but I called myself out on it and abandoned them in a failed attempt of quitting my sickness. We deleted all these apps and spoke for a while. She was really upset and I tried to console her. I convinced her to get up for a bit so we could go see the rats.

Something I forgot to mention that during all this we ended up accidentally adopting two pet rats. They belonged to a old work colleague  of mine and his partner. They admitted before that with the other pets they have and her daughter having adhd they didn't really have times for the rats. We fell in love with them and decided we wanted to keep them before I was found out and had to accept I have an addiction. We went to pet store I can't remember if it was yesterday or before but I bought them a bigger cage as their old was too small for them. They seem to love it and they are adding a layer of happiness during these emotional rollercoaster times.

My Fiancee was still Upset this morning. She said she wasn't sure if she could do this. She said either i got to go to my parents or she will have to leave and if i wanted to get better I should be able to do it on my own.
I told her I didn't want to be without her but in the end she said the choice was mine who went. I said it would of been unfair for her to have to go and i would have to leave. I got out of bed and slammed my fist into the wall as i got up. Went to the bathroom and had a cry. I packed a bag of clothes stopping every now and then to have a little breakdown. I went back into our bedroom to grab more things where she told me she didn't want me to go. We led down and spoke calmly and honestly. It was a really good chat and I feel it helped us both a lot. I am to some realisations like Reddit for me was like a downward spiral into a black hole. How there was times at work where i would be in a cycle hiding at working of looking at porn on reddit, find people on kik and messaging them and then more porn rinse and repeat. She confessed that she understood the allure of reddit as she herself found herself following someone on there but managed to call herself out on it before it got too bad.
We spoke about how I have tried to quit by myself in secret before and how now being out as an addict and talking about it with her and other people is taking away power from the sickness.

So yeah I am still sat here with the energy level crash trying to kick in but i am battling it with a large cafetiere full of coffee and cream while listening to the Cure typing this out.
I have felt writing this Journal has been helpful but today seems to be the most therapeutic.

I am sure there is more I could write about but I can't think of it right now.

I am reading other peoples journals and do hope to be a bit more active posting on other peoples stuff.

Anyway remember if you are reading this I am cheering you on. YOU CAN DO THIS.

DAY 5 no P.
 

mousemat1

Well-Known Member
You're in a real dark place at the moment. You just have to accept your girlfriend's feelings on this and try to stay calm. The fact that you're putting so much effort into this shows how much it means to you. You can beat this addiction.

Now probably isn't the time to mention this to your girlfriend, but very few addicts succeed on their first attempt. Not just porn addicts, all addicts. While it's important to stay positive and as strong as possible, the chances are you're going to relapse. Your girlfriend needs to know this at some point. The most important thing is you tell her how much you love her and how much she means to you. If you relapse (and I hope you don't) it's not because you don't love her. This is a powerful addiction.

Your partner must be in a lot of pain right now. I admire your honesty, but this is why I sometimes suggest that full disclosure might not be the best policy. But please, if you relapse, catch it early and move on. Don't go into a spiral of binging on porn.

Good luck!
 

Gigili

Member
Hello Chris,

I think you should be thankful to have such a supportive fiancee. But I don't understand why you involved her in each and every detail of your porn habits as I don't thing it will necessarily help. I don't say not to be honest, but checking each and every detail together will destroy her and I don't thing it will help either of you. Stop digging into details since whatever you did has been in the past and you are bound to quit. It is good that you both are seeking professional help of a counselor. I thing right now she might needs it even more. I wish you success in your journey. This is rock bottom; and every addict experiences it somehow.
Keep up the good work!
 
Top