Chris1986
Active Member
Apologies if this is hard to follow and a bit all over the place. Hopefully with time can structure these better
My name is Chris 33 years of age and been a user or porn and dopamine abuser for my entire adult life.
.
This has recently been discovered by my fiancee who now knows I basically been living a double life of manic masturbation to porn (straight, gay,trans, sissy,hypnos), sexting, seeking/purchasing images from sex workers online, findoms and fantasizing about sex with other people even posting on reddit seeking local people to "chat to on kik, maybe more" although I had no intention of meeting them is was the rush. She is absolutely heart broken and hearing her heart snap as she cried/screamed haunts me.
This is destroying my life and thankfully my fiancee is willing to work with me trying to fix myself. I love her with all my heart and all this other stuff I viewed as seperate. I think compartmentalize.
This has been an issue in most my relationships when being a heavy user not being able to perform sexually with partners.
I have tried to stop but I would always crawl back to it.
A few months ago during lockdown I was caught with a Google drive with images. She was distraught and she gave me every opportunity to let her know if there was anything else. I lied and I felt myself watch me lie and scream at myself like what the hell are you doing!?
She had suspicions something was still going on as I she thought I was less and less interested in her sexually. I changed my work and was home hours before her and I was using heavily. When we tried to have sex i couldn't perform. I realised it was getting bad and I confessed that I been using porn and it's getting to be a problem and that I will sort it. I still didnt confess to everything else.
I have also been messaging an ex that I promised my fiancee that I would not. Nothing sexual but i think it was giving me dopamine.
It has been nearly two weeks since using porn
I encouraged my fiancee to seek counselling as she was having issues. I told her it's ok to not be ok and seek help. In the last few weeks it has gone from me being the only healthy relationship in her life to this.
She questioned me. Wanted to look through my phone . She gave me chance and chance to be honest tell her what she is going to see and I lied and lied again. .I am being honest with her now but the trust is gone. I have had an on the phone consultation with a councillor and looking at doing weekly sessions.
I want to kill this side of me I hate it. I want to work on saving this relation and create a new REAL normal.
I know I am asking the world of her but I am so thankful she is trying to help and stay.
I need to do this.
I need to save us.
I need to save me.
My name is Chris 33 years of age and been a user or porn and dopamine abuser for my entire adult life.
.
This has recently been discovered by my fiancee who now knows I basically been living a double life of manic masturbation to porn (straight, gay,trans, sissy,hypnos), sexting, seeking/purchasing images from sex workers online, findoms and fantasizing about sex with other people even posting on reddit seeking local people to "chat to on kik, maybe more" although I had no intention of meeting them is was the rush. She is absolutely heart broken and hearing her heart snap as she cried/screamed haunts me.
This is destroying my life and thankfully my fiancee is willing to work with me trying to fix myself. I love her with all my heart and all this other stuff I viewed as seperate. I think compartmentalize.
This has been an issue in most my relationships when being a heavy user not being able to perform sexually with partners.
I have tried to stop but I would always crawl back to it.
A few months ago during lockdown I was caught with a Google drive with images. She was distraught and she gave me every opportunity to let her know if there was anything else. I lied and I felt myself watch me lie and scream at myself like what the hell are you doing!?
She had suspicions something was still going on as I she thought I was less and less interested in her sexually. I changed my work and was home hours before her and I was using heavily. When we tried to have sex i couldn't perform. I realised it was getting bad and I confessed that I been using porn and it's getting to be a problem and that I will sort it. I still didnt confess to everything else.
I have also been messaging an ex that I promised my fiancee that I would not. Nothing sexual but i think it was giving me dopamine.
It has been nearly two weeks since using porn
I encouraged my fiancee to seek counselling as she was having issues. I told her it's ok to not be ok and seek help. In the last few weeks it has gone from me being the only healthy relationship in her life to this.
She questioned me. Wanted to look through my phone . She gave me chance and chance to be honest tell her what she is going to see and I lied and lied again. .I am being honest with her now but the trust is gone. I have had an on the phone consultation with a councillor and looking at doing weekly sessions.
I want to kill this side of me I hate it. I want to work on saving this relation and create a new REAL normal.
I know I am asking the world of her but I am so thankful she is trying to help and stay.
I need to do this.
I need to save us.
I need to save me.