I need to do this. (200+ days)

Chris1986

Active Member
Yesterday I was still not feeling amazing. Not in as much pain and I was calmer.

My fiancee had her counselling and she was very quiet afterwards. I held her and spoke to her and spoke more about the addiction. She asked me more questions I answered. One of the questions she asked was was I masturbating in secret while she was home. She has asked this a few times (not sure how many times) in the last few weeks. I admitted that I did.
We went to bed and before we went to sleep she reminded me that I have still been lying. This obviously played on her mind cause I woke up this morning and she was gone. She was on the sofa.
We spoke briefly before I went to work. Text's that were exchanged before I started work made it clear she wasn't happy. I phoned her when I had the chance. She was angry, she told me how lying is still leaving the door open to addiction. How I was still choosing it. She told me how it has set back a lot of the good work that I have done. She explained how me saying sorry means nothing. I said i know my words meant nothing and I had to show her I was sorry and I really wanted to work on getting my self better.
She told me I was going to have to tell her something that she doesn't have to pry out of me. She is fucked off with having to ask me things multiple times in multiple ways till she asks it just the right way to get the answers she is looking for.
I thought hard. It was triggering. I had flashes of many memories.
On the way home I was full on brain fog. Felt trapped in a bubble. My brain was in full on panic mode.
When i got home I gave the rats some grapes then went upstairs. She was working from home on this day. I asked if she could speak. I told her that I didn't stop seeing sex workers in my mid twenties but I went from Asian woman to Asian Transgender (then just transgender) sex workers (and 1 white guy) who I got to have sex with me. The last one I saw I think was about 4 months before I met my partner. I have no seen any since but I have browsed the listings on birchplace.

We spoke some more and I confessed to her that the friend she was worried about that I hid the scale of the friendship I had a stage of being obsessed with her years ago after being pushed away.

My urges and cravings have been strong today. I have had many flashes of porn and past experiences. I still have not used though.

I had my 3rd counselling session. I was hard but good. My counsellor felt like it was our best session so far. I cried a few times. I feel like as we get deeper this is really going to help.

I don't feel good right now. My fiancee is out and I don't know if I will be sleeping here the next few nights. We will discuss that when she gets back.
We are renewing our tenancy on the house tomorrow. I know things are rocky but we still need this house as home base if we are going to survive. I told her if I end up having to move out for good I would still make sure rent is paid.

I need to get better. I need to be honest.

Going to start ranking how I am feeling at the end of these as well.

Day 21 no P.
Feeling right now 2/5. Not full on despair right now but deep shame and brain fog. Right arm has shooting pains and numbness in hand.

I think this is the longest I have ever gone without P

 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
Hey chris,

i respect your honesty and i sense true commitment to this. I won't talk much about the honesty part, you know my position on this.

Like you said, it's rocky. All the talking brings back memories and someone who hasn't been an addict, your fiancee, will never really understand what that means and what it makes with us. Therefore i plea to look more in the future and less in the past. All the details about who you have when seen, what does it contribute to you getting better?
Negative emotions and thoughts multiply and there must be a point where the past in detail doesn't matter anymore. Maybe like today, i think i can understand how you feel and i think the often you both talk about the negative aspects of the past, the more often you both feel negative.

From addiction perspective we get more vulnerable in these states of being. It's easier to hold on to the reboot when there are positive moods around.

Your streak is good, hold on to it.
 

Chris1986

Active Member
@imsorrynotsorry

Thanks for replying and I am holding onto this streak.
I know things have been bad right now but that is due to the fact that I was still being dishonest. I disclosed more stuff that did bring up pain and the past but I had to be done to try and rebuild this bridge.
I need to train my brain to stop being able to look her in the eye and lie.

UPDATE

I have slept at my parents the last few nights. Me and my partner have still been spending time together on the evenings so we can speak and have food.
Not sharing a bed with her is horrible. I think I must of been searching for her during the first night as I nearly fell out of the single bed a couple of times. I did not have a great nights first sleep.
The second night I slept solidly. I was exhausted and I still feel it. Think I have a cold starting.

Had a strange couple of hours yesterday. I popped to my parents and we found an injured Fox on their lawn. It was horrible. Half their face was missing and was filled with flies. I phoned the RSPCA and had to go through a load of options before I spoke to someone. I spoke to someone and after going through the details said I would be put onto the dispatch team. It was about hour and a half till dispatch team phoned me and said they were about half an hour away. during all this I kept an eye on the fox. Followed them round the garden and tried to give them water. They ended up hiding under the van. I thought they died so i tapped something on the floor gently to see if they reacted. They did. I spoke softly to them to try and reassure them.
When they guy from dispatch team came he caught the fox. He observed it and said he didn't want to transport the fox to somewhere else just for them to be put down. He wanted to end their suffering as quickly and as humanely as possible. The fox died before he could. I had a cry.
I thought if I stayed with the fox and watched over them I could save it. I felt this was a chance at redemption. Silly I know.

Today was a weird day at work. We started later and was flat out all day. It was manic. I had a few messages from my partner that i quickly glanced over but didn't have time to reply to. Ended up having more messages and I made her really worried. I tried to call her when I had the chance as wanted not to text as wanted her to hear my tone.
She ended up calling back after awhile and we spoke.
I was worried about how things would be when we were together back at home but it's been really nice.

I feel like there is more but my mind is struggling.

DAY 23 NO P

Feeling Brain foggy and ill but happy with how me and my partner are interacting with my partner.
3/5. be a 4 if not feeling ill.

 

Chris1986

Active Member
Apologies if offends but need to get this off my chest and out my brain.

So SOMEONE posted on my partners post on this forum. We have each others usernames and permission to read each others posts as trying to be 100% open and honest. My partner has said she would understand if I didn't want her to read my journal and change my username and what not but I want to let her in and not push her away.

This post has really played on my partners mind and put her in a dark place. She told me about as she held me tight. She has also received a private message from another member saying to basically ignore this post but I am finding it hard to do so.

"It looks to me like your partner is only quitting porn because he is afraid you will find out and be angry at him. Until he decides that porn is bad for him he will not quit."

Yes I admit my guilt and shame at being caught rather than confessing but I have tried to quit many many times over the years by myself and failed which would fuel me with more shame and feed the need to use P.
I know porn is bad for me. I know it has rewired my brain to seek these dopamine loops. I know it has made me go within myself and not truly open up to people. I know it was and has affected my ability to perform over the years. Starting with Premature ejactulation till I trained myself to last longer to porn so I either had PIED or could not O during sex. The best most successful sex I have ever had is with my partner. I know that my brain has trained me to lie, lie and lie to protect my addiction.
I want to get better. I want to be fully connected and no longer live a double life no longer compartmentalise aspects of my life.

"I am free from porn now for 7 months and 18 days. I am single, no partner. I read the book "Your Brain on Porn" and I know now how bad porn is for me."

Congratulations on continuing your Narcissism during your recovery.

"Until your partner realises porn is bad for him he will not quit; he will simply find better ways to hide it. I would suggest leaving him and finding a better partner."

You don't know me and you don't know how I have been dealing with the urges and the P stuff. I have been working my ass off. Yes I slipped up with the honesty but I am working my ass off on that as well. I have confessed things to my partner I thought I would NEVER have to talk about.
If you are self loathing and want to sabotage things sabotage yourself don't try and destroy my life that I am fighting to save with every bit of energy I have.
I have been trying to keep my head clean. Haven't drank any alcohol at all during any of this. Keeping away from vices.
Also I am having counselling and will be having session 4 in the coming week.

UPDATE

I slept at home last night after a nice evening of chinese food, netflix and having the ratties run all over us. I slept on the sofa but this morning she woke me up so we could cuddle in bed. We were intimate and I Oed. First time this week.

We are going to watch more videos together on porn addiction recovery and read another chapter of love you hate porn again together.

We have a table booked at a lovely mezze we enjoy going to for our date night.

DAY 24 NO P

Feeling agitated, annoyed but happy communication is good with my partner and myself.
2.5/5.





 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
This post is simply unacceptable and i would suggest to report it to a moderator to look it through. In your reboot and overcoming this with your partner, i also suggest to point your concentration on this that contribute and are positive. It's good you made your point anyway. And i add, i can absolutely understand you and how you now realised what the addiction has caused for you. This is one way and i believe, from what i've read, you're are doing good and you do the right thing.

Oing with the partner is perfect. I had some chaser effect adterwards, so please be aware, horniness could peak.

Wish you all the best and nice evenings with your partner
 

Chris1986

Active Member
@sorryimnotsorry

The post has been reported. Yeah we try and focus on the postive posts but that obviously rubbed us both the wrong way. I am still very very annoyed by it.
Thanks for believing in me and being in my corner man.
I have been reading your journal as well as others but don't really like posting on them till I am up to date on them.

Yeah we have spoke of the chaser effect I had in the past that I hid from her but so far so good on the chaser front.

UPDATE

After posting my angry post I did a lot of the "training" on Fortify. Has anyone else tried that site? I found it to be help

Saturday evening was really nice. We went out for coffee first and played a question game.
One of the questions was along the lines of "How would you like to be famous?" I answered I thought I would like to be famous a bit like van goth and appreciated after my time. Also I feared the thought of being famous as terrified of my secrets coming out.
My partner enjoyed the question game and says she really feels like she is getting to know me.
We had a lovely meal at the Mezze although I started feeling really anxious being surrounded by drunk people and it being late (old before my time). I wasn't sure where to look and my partner noticed I was anxiously playing with my shirt.
Before this my partner thought I was genuinely one of the happiest/confident people she ever met as my mood rarely dipped. She knows I am not truly that person but she wants to learn my sadness and my fears. She wants to love all of me. I know I am a truly lucky man.
I slept back in our bed that night :).

Sunday we woke up and cuddled. I told her I had weird nightmares that kept waking me up at times. I rarely dream but I have been having lots of weird dreams lately since starting this.
We went out for coffee and round a shop as we had to have the tires done on the car.
I felt exhausted for most the day. My brain almost felt like it was starved of oxygen. Was not a good head day and my head felt like it was in a bubble being squeezed tight. Very anxious.

On the way home we drove past a flat where in the past I visited working girls. This brought up a lot of shame for me. I nearly didn't say anything but i decided to tell my fiancee what we just went past and that I was feeling bad. When we got home she said I should lay down for a while. She comforted me and we spoke for a while. I am really opening up to her and she can see I am working hard.

On that evening we had a roast dinner (well slow cooked beef rib cut) which i cooked far too many potatoes but at least what was left can be used for lunches.

Today I was able to sleep in a bit as working very close to home currently. I was nice to have longer morning cuddles. I feel I have been more focused today. Still got a bit of brain fog but no where as bad as has been.  Think working out in the sun helped but no dark thoughts today and even thought of doing some exercise after I did the housework when I got home.

Well now as I type this await for my fiancee to return home so I can cook us a dinner and have a chill evening.

DAY 26 NO P
feeling 4/5 today :).

Also think I will start saying things that I am grateful for at the end of each update.
I am grateful for having communities such as this to know that I am not alone and we can help each other.

Peace.


 

Chris1986

Active Member
So I returned to sleeping on the sofa last night. I wasn't forced too but I suggested it myself after my behaviour yesterday.
So back on Tuesday my frustrated  partner put it to me that I she felt it would be best if I cut contact with a couple of the people who I kept how much contact I had with them a secret. She was frustrated that she had to be the one to put in that boundary in place. I like to think after taking both these relationships to counselling I would of come to this conclusion.
She asked what I thought about this. I stupidly asked "what if they tried to get back into contact with me years down the line?"

A bit of details on these people. One is an ex Gf who I was in a long distance relationship with for nearly 3 years. I got found out with messages just after her 21st birthday. I felt like I destroyed her and I think I still carry shame from it to this day. I was also her first sexual partner. She was christian and originally was saving herself till marriage. Around this time I could of confessed to people that I had a problem and that I needed help. But I downplayed it and let my addiction live on.
The other is a girl I went to school with though we did not really speak till after I left school. We ended up being part of the same party crowd but after that crowd disbanded with people going off to Uni and what not did not speak for years. We ended up reconnecting through facebook years later. Ended up becoming depressed drinking buddies and were intimate admittingly not great as the PIED was strong during this. She was single mother by this point and  it didn't take too long to realise that her relationship with alcohol was unhealthy.She did not want a relationship but we would continue to hang out and stuff happen. Her son became close to me and I believe at one point I heard him say he wished I was his dad. This made her distance herself from me.
We continued being friends and did music together on occasions. For years though I was obsessed with her though.  My behaviour around her is not healthy still though so I need to cut ties.

So yesterday the stupid question I asked was running around my partners head. She sent me a strongly worded message. I called her and we had strong words. We were both triggered and I lost myself to anger again. As my partner had pointed out when we eventually got to a point where we could both speak calmly  I was acting the same way as I did when being confronted about the Porn stuff. Lying followed by rage.
Before that thought I came home to speak to her in person as she was working from home. It didn't go amazingly.
I went back to work and when we got home we were able to speak calmly. I admitted I have been out of line. We both said that we were both "triggered" and need to learn when we get like that we should give each other space. We have booked some couples counselling and hoping this will help us navigate times when it gets difficult like that again.

I woke up on the sofa today. my Partner came down in the morning and I went back up with her for a cuddle before going to work.
I have felt more focused today and been drafting my message to send to one I was cut off from. The 2nd one i mentioned. Leaving my ex for a little longer as it has just been her birthday and rather not give another negative memory to her so close to her birthday again.

I feel that is all I can pull out of my brain right now.
hope everyone else is well.

Day 29 NO P



 

EarthWalker

Active Member
Hi, Chris.

You might find this helpful https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication.

I think it is smart from you to be taking it a day at a time. Rome wasn't built in a day.

Wish you all the best
EW
 

Chris1986

Active Member
@Earthwalker.

Thank you for your reply. Thanks to you I have a TEDx TALK on Nonviolent Communication. Will be watching more. Thank you again.

UPDATE.

Slept on the sofa again but I know that I don't deserve the bed again yet.

Today has been a weird day. Been having lots of memories of negative aspects of earlier relationships in my life. A lot of my relationships I have basically been "the other guy" or there has been an ex or someone else. I guess this is made me feel that I am undeserving of love that tore down my self worth and made me dig deeper into all the PMO stuff.
For example my very first "relationship" was I was 16 with a girl (15) who apparently had an much older bf in their 20's. I say apparently as non of us ever saw him so did not know if he was real or not.
She would always say that she wasn't my gf was we would fool around and she would treat me like her bf. In hindsight everything was a power game with her. Like even a simple act such as holding hands walking down the road she would have to have the position of power although I was a lot taller so it would bend my wrist and be uncomfortable.
So yeah I been remember lots of things like that.

My partner has just come home from work and she has bought me an indoor plant as a gift for making it to 30 days. I know I am so lucky to have her. I need her and I want to make it WELL past 3000 days and still be with her.

I have been feeling more focused and postive the last few days and I feel urges have become less but I am still aware of when they try and creep in. I recognise "it's" voice now as being separate to my own.

It is my birthday soon. the 7th of October actually and that would make it 42 days of no P. 42 being the meaning of life according to the Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy so that shall be my next target.

so yeah.

DAY 30 NO P
Feeling 3/5.
Pleased to of making it to 30 days. The longest I have gone ever since the P abuse started I believe. Feeling more focused but I know I got a long road ahead of me to get truly long term well. I also know I must be stronger and more understanding of the process my fiancee is going through.
 

Gigili

Member
Hi Chris,

I can totally relate to your experience in your first relationship. I had quite the same experience. The relationship was very destructive. Now when I think about it I think why on earth I even stayed in that relationship for over a year.

I am happy for you because now you have such a great supportive partner. Being in a bad relationship makes us grateful when we find the right person. I think this is the reason why you are fighting like crazy to save your relationship now. This is great that you hit the 30 days target. Keep up the good work man!
 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
My partner has just come home from work and she has bought me an indoor plant as a gift for making it to 30 days.
what i nice thing that is - enjoy it, you deserved it.

I have been feeling more focused and postive the last few days and I feel urges have become less but I am still aware of when they try and creep in. I recognise "it's" voice now as being separate to my own.
I must say, you've reached a landmark. That landmark is, that the cravings from my experience are extreme in the forst 3-4 weeks. After that, it's different. There is a lot to do, processing emotions, finding triggers, finding a new balance with your partner and, also, change things for good. I think you do good and you take every chance to overcome this. It will be worth it.

Can you imagine to cut off the ropes to your old contacts? Have you thought about why you're still texting them and what for? Are you ready to leave them behind?
 

Chris1986

Active Member
@Gigili. @

"I can totally relate to your experience in your first relationship. I had quite the same experience. The relationship was very destructive. Now when I think about it I think why on earth I even stayed in that relationship for over a year."

Yeah the past relationships from that long ago are things that I haven't consciously thought about for years but I feel they pushed me further into the P issue and damaged my developing emotional maturity.

"I am happy for you because now you have such a great supportive partner. Being in a bad relationship makes us grateful when we find the right person. I think this is the reason why you are fighting like crazy to save your relationship now. This is great that you hit the 30 days target. Keep up the good work man!"

I know I am so lucky to have her. I am not a religious man at all but I do feel blessed. Definitely a good reason to keep fighting but I know I can't be doing it just for her. I am doing this cause I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. A better me will mean a better us :).
Thank you man. Next up day 42 on my birthday!

@imsorrynotsorry.

"what i nice thing that is - enjoy it, you deserved it."

Thank you. As partner says it has the potential to grown but also has the potential to die. It's a reminder that I have to keep on working. Keep on fighting.

"I must say, you've reached a landmark. That landmark is, that the cravings from my experience are extreme in the forst 3-4 weeks. After that, it's different. There is a lot to do, processing emotions, finding triggers, finding a new balance with your partner and, also, change things for good. I think you do good and you take every chance to overcome this. It will be worth it.

Yeah like I say the urges are there but I can recognise them. Like it's a different voice that I can feel hovering over me. When I talk about it/sickness/them/addiction I always just just left by the side of my head. That's where I imagine them hovering.
I think big triggers use to be a lot  at work when things were shit/boring/fucking awful. I changed my work situation is a lot better now so that is helping but since then the biggest issue was time on my own. I am learning to manage my alone time in healthier ways now. Doing house work, playing with rats, journaling on here and as well working on Fortify.
I also started a free course on pathformen.com which i recommend!

Can you imagine to cut off the ropes to your old contacts? Have you thought about why you're still texting them and what for? Are you ready to leave them behind?"


Yeah I know it is something that I have to do.
Something me and my Fiancee have discussed is I don't handle rejection well and it seems if i have been rejected I still try and keep them in my life somehow. Like say one in particular has created a tonne of unhealthy behaviour. I have already sent a message to her and my partner read the reply for me. It was postive. Since then though my mind has been remember more of the negative times. I don't feel bad like I thought I could have.


EarthWalker

"+1.

Keep it up.
EW"


Thank you man!
 

Chris1986

Active Member
Hey all hope everyone had a great weekend and succeeded in their battle.

Saturday we had date night again. When to a newish place near us which was nice but certainly did not abide by social distancing with how close all the tables were.
We went for a coffee afterwards but the coffee machine was turned off and cleaned which seemed like an odd thing to do in a premises that specialise selling coffee while they are still open but maybe that's me being old fashioned! I had a traditional breakfast tea while my fiancee had an Earl Grey cause she is a fancy bitch (said with love.)
When we got home we got the rats out for a while as we chilled to some tv.

Sunday morning we had a long lie in. We were close and I 0ed. (still not sure if this the correct way to write that!)
I made us fancy coffee with cream and grated chocolate and I watched the 2nd part of a course she is doing on Betrayal Trauma recovery. It was very informative and it was well worth watching. Its the same guy who is doing the course I am doing on Pathformen.com and I rate him highly. So empathetic.
We had a chilled rest of day but as the day went on My partner started to feel more anxious. She was not in a good way as we went to bed and this morning was hard.
I HATE that I have done this to her. I know I got a long way to go but I am going to keep working so we can both heal and have the life we deserve!

I must say I haven't felt much in the way of urges last few days and can't say I heard it's voice trying to seduce me but I know I must stay strong and prepared for when it tries to strike!

I been doing more thinking of the past lately. Remembering more of the old AOL chat rooms and sex chatting with people. I think I started sex chatting with guys as I wanted the rush and it was easier to get with guys. Remember chatting to older guys. Like i was 13 and these guys were in their 30's/40's. Pretty fucked. Looking back I know these guys didn't touch me physically but I feel my mind was raped. I feel they stripped away some of my innocence. I was a child. I couldn't consent. If I am ever lucky enough to be a father I am fucking being super strict about their internet use!
I don't blame my parents though as it was a different time. I know if it was nower days my mother would have blockers all over the place and quite rightly so.

Sorry went on a bit of tangent.

Waiting for my beloved to come home so I am hold her, Kiss her and let her know how much I love her.

DAY 33 NO P

Feeling 2/5 I feel ok within myself but I want to take away my partners pain.
 

imsorrynotsorry

Active Member
Nice to hear from your end.

As long as you both are working on that in positive ways the bad feelings around the problems you're experiencing will fade. Sure, it's still fresh and it will be fresh the next weeks, maybe months, but after that somewhere it will be all worth it.

Please don't blame yourself for what happened. Blame the addiction, blame these ill turned patterns. There are periods of sadness and they are ok. It's important that they exist and that there's a place for it. Acceptance is the key.
 

Chris1986

Active Member
thank you for your post Earthwalker and Sorryimnotsorry.

This week has been a strange week. Monday evening my partner went out for a meal with a friend and I hung out with a mate for a while. We spoke about old school music we use to make. Why we never really fitted in with certain scenes and things I learnt recently.
Tuesday my partner was going away to visit some friends and wasn't going to be back till Wednesday night. Before she went we had words before both calming down . This hasn't been a great week for her headwise.
She was worried that she ruined it. I told her that she hasn't. After she left I went for a walk in the forest part of a park not far from me. This is part of my fortify training. I didn't take my phone and I focused on being present. In the moment. I focused on a large old tree for a while. Resting my hands on its aged bark. I listened to the sound of the stream flowing and the birds singing. There were moments in my mind where I went back to being a child walking through this park with my mother walking the dogs.
I went home afterwards and ate. I got the rats out and gamed for the rest of the night. I felt urges come and go but I fought them off.

Wednesday morning I woke up  alone and the  urges were strong! I used mindfulness to cope though and I got through it.
Work was a bust as got rained off but used the time to make some music. Very weird computer game music. Working on nonfunctional harmonies.
I had counselling and I got very very angry chatting about an old relationship. My counsellor told me to right down my feelings towards them in a letter just for me. It was vile but helped me.
My partner came back about 10 o clock and we chilled for a bit before bed.

I feel she has been distant today. A few weeks ago I would of maybe tried and give her a little space but I am staying close and going to keep trying to connect.

I hope everyone is well.

DAY 36 NO P
 

Chris1986

Active Member
Well it's been a few days.
We have been mainly good. There has been moments but we did a couples counselling consultation Friday evening which went well and they said we seemed a strong unit.
Saturday was a hard morning. My partner was not doing well but we managed to get up and she came with me to see my gran for the first time since all of this came out. It was nice. We also went round my sisters and her fiancee's place on the evening for food. I could see times where she was withdrawn and distant. There are lots of memories around lots of places of lies and mistruths that I have told her.
I wish I could take it all back. I hate it but I know I cannot change the past but I can keep working on having a better brighter future.

Sunday we chilled mainly. We went out for a bit to get some treats for the ratties. There was a rat for adoption in the store but sadly they were a boy rat and we can only have girls at the moment.for
I cooked a roast us in the evening and we chilled some more.

Yesterday was a hard day. I woke up agitated and grumpy but didn't really acknowledge it.
I was working and My partner sent me a angry text. She says these thoughts are in her head a lot but she normally catches herself.
It hit me for 6. After work and walking home I was nearly in tears before I got back to the house.
I tried frantically to call her. We eventually spoke on the phone. A lot of the conversation is a blur. I know I wept a lot and felt very spaced out. When she came home we spoke more and I think I had a bit of a panic attack and wept more. I can't really remember all of it. After we spoke and things got calmer we had dinner and watched black mirror while the ratties climbed all over us. I was feeling pretty spaced out.

Urges wise I can't say I felt much. I have generally felt my mind is calmer and my fiancee has commented that I generally seem more present and more empathetic towards her.
I think yesterday was a bad head day and I imagine more will follow.

Tomorrow is my Birthday it's not being on my mind a lot really. I haven't felt like celebrating but I am hoping for a good head day. I know I am loved and that I am lucky to be as loved as I am by my fiancee, family and friends. I need to learn to love myself a little more. The self loathing is trying to rise to the surface I think.
I am just rambling now.

DAY 41 NO P
 
Hello Chris1986,

It is awesome that you and your fiancee are talking things out regularly. It will certainly help with the PMO addiction.

I hope that both of you are able to flourish, and that your relationship heals you.
 

Chris1986

Active Member
@beautywaytraveler Thank you for your kind words :).

Update

It's been a while. (sang in best attempt at a staind impression.

Anyways Yeah so I had a birthday since my last update which was nice. I worked during the day but yeah popped to my folks before work and I got some new books and a harmonica starter set (3 different keys) which was nice. My present from my partner I didn't receive till after work as she thought it would be unfair for my to open it before work. She was right! It was a full scale stage keyboard that is a midi keyboard as well so I can use it to access all my midi sounds for my recordings. It is amazing and I feel so lucky that she still wants to treat me even after everything I have done.
So yeah that got played a lot but then we went away for a long weekend to Bluestones in Wales (Welsh one) which we made a mega long playlist for the drive and stopped off in a little village we been to before and bought more books from a store there. One I bought is Good Omens which I know has a tv show now but not seen it. Really enjoying the book though!
But yeah back to the holiday. It was a nice resort. Lots of log cabins but we stayed in "the village" which was cottages. Was nice but the lighting could of been better.  a
Was a weird experience being on COVID holiday but soon got use to it. We both drank alcohol for the first time since before all "this" came out. It was a nice and our tolerance to it has certainly weakened. 3 pints and half a bottle of wine and I was done!!
On the Sunday we found a small seaside town about 20 minutes away from resort and did the traditional British act of having fish and chips by the seaside and found a place that did possibly the best ice cream I have ever had. Wish could have a tub of it.
We came back home yesterday. Stopped off in a village for a pub lunch on the way which was lovely.
Was nice to go away but it was great to be home. Our home. We had to go back out to picked up the ratties who were being looked after and spoilt rotten by my Fiancees parents.
Today we have been out shopping but plan to chill rest of the day. Back at work tomorrow.

Urges wise can't say I noticed much but I haven't been on my own for days. I have felt more bouts of anxiousness though and moments of depression.
When we were driving back to the resort one day my mind went back to times when I was a teenager around 14/15 years old and the thoughts of slitting my throat then. I would hate the thoughts. I didn't understand them. I knew my life wasn't bad I was lucky compared to many But the thoughts would be there and they would be strong. When I was in these thought patterns I always ended up focusing on how damaging it would be to my family. It's scary to think what may of happened it I didn't have such a tight family unit back then.
While these thoughts were flowing in my mind as my and my fiancee were driving back (she was driving) I tried to speak but I felt paralysed, trapped within my body. My mind started to freak out. After a while I was able to say it and I started to cry. She pulled over and consoled me. I felt pretty spaced out for a while afterwards.

Anyways I am back to work tomorrow and have counselling again so back to the grind of reality tomorrow!

DAY 48 NO P
feeling 3/5. Had a really good break but I still having these anxious feelings and my right ear is sore. We think it's infected.
 
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