I need to do this. (Relapse. Starting again)


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Tuesday night my fiancee asked me more questions. Some she asked early on before I started actually being honest so she got more truthful answers and more details. I got frustrated. I feel like when I am going through the details that I am back there it makes me feel sick and I hate it!
We got a bit heated which confused me at the time as I was being open and honest but obviously I couldn't think straight. I couldn't see that the conversation ripped off the scab of her wounds and dug deeper. She became distant and was distant for most of wednesday.
I messaged her while I was at work but only got short answers and she didn't want to speak on the phone.

Having her so distant from me really made me feel starved of emotional oxygen. I was suffocating. I spoke to her when I got home. We spoke about how we felt. She was still distant but at least she was talking to me.

I had counselling. It was hard session. Afterwards I spoke to my fiancee again. I started weeping uncontrollably. I felt dizzy and sick. She consoled me and held me tight and brought me back round.
The shame and self loathing is something that goes further back than I originally thought I think. Also think remember the suicidal thoughts from my youth haven't helped me feel stable lately. I think I have started to come to terms with the fact that part of me hates me and wants me to fail.
The negative thoughts though I have to remember are just thoughts. They do not define me and I can listen to the thoughts but I don't have to act on them.
My partner has been working hard on building me back up. She wants me to look in the mirror and say something positive about myself once a day. I have been struggling with this and try to joke it off but i need to make more of an effort with this act.

That even she cooked and we ate and chilled and spoke. She said her taste has been weird so decided to not take any risks and book a corona virus test for the next day. This meant having to self isolate (other than doing test) till we get results. We had to drive to Weston (we are in Bristol) for the test and have to do it ourselves. 100% rather not do that again. I nearly through up! Was horrid.
Basically since then She has been working from home and I been making lots of music. Spent most of today on two tracks and lost track of time but been good way to spend the time.
We have been intimate and without going into too much details we have been having a good time!

She really isn't feeling that well today so my turn to look after her so I shall be making her favourite dinner (paprika pork with chorizo thing with pasta.)

I might have a beer as well.


feeling 4/5. Not feeling 100% but happy that we are feeling closer. Tuesday night was a blip on the radar. As we have both said it is actually good more than it's bad it's just the bad times stand out more.
We are both committed to our relationship and I am 100% committed to getting better.

Feeling very positive right now.

Sending the positive vibes to you all.


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Even though you both have those conversations i can see you manage to get up again, out of that to a positive mood. For the future, it might be helpful to slowly cut the conversations about details down, since they don't help in a way? You know that better than me.

Bristol, what a nice and colorful city.


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I still need to be open and honest when she asks about details. I ask her if answering them will be helpful and she says yes. It helps her to process things and resolve thoughts.
Yeah Bristol can be a fun place to live but had many different sides to it. Luckily don't live centrally.


(pre note) *Our Covid tests came back negative!*

As I type this out my energy levels are low and my arm is causing my a lot of pain. It has made work a lot harder than it needs to be but it is nearly the weekend.

I have been feeling more focused and positive this week and really the only thing slowing me down currently is this pain.
My partner messaged early to say she is managing it but feeling really triggered today. We are both working hard on being open and honest and letting each other know where our heads are at.
We have both been feeling low energy wise this week but we get weeks like that.

I had counselling again last night. Still finding it very useful. It wasn't as hard as a session as the one before but still good. Had a bit though where I started talking about the sissy hypnos and I got myself really angry, then anxious and we stuck with that feeling and focused it on it. Had like a stress ball in my chest, headache and started feeling sick then a wall went up and I couldn't focus on it anymore. Will be something i will work on again.
I realised I haven't been posting as regularly as I could be so going to try and make more of an effort in that. I been catching up on my fortify training earlier this week. I got put off some of it as it was focusing on bounceback plans which I am not entertaining the thought of relapsing. I felt it was trying to almost be a get out of jail free card but alas I have gone through it and have learnt things.

That is all I can get my brain to do right now. I hope everyone is well.

day 57 no p
feeling 2.5/5 (positive but very very low energy and pain.


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Hope everyone is doing well and started their week strong in their battle.

I am still struggling with pain in my arm but luckily work is a bit lighter at the moment so I am able to cope better. Had to finish work early on Friday due to it.
I have noticed when I was at work and the pain was strong I was getting more desire for a "release". I believe this is the addiction trying to lure me back. Mindfulness proved itself to be a great tool to use in these times. I am feeling like I am living more actually being present more.s

My partner is struggling with her thoughts again at the moment. She says she feels she has two brains. One that trusts me and knows I am working hard to get better and another that doesn't trust me and trying to do things to catch me out. It sucks to hear that second part but as long as I keep to the path that I have now chosen hopefully that 2nd brain will quiet down.

We had a row on Saturday night. She was struggling with her thoughts and was feeling anxious. It was the first day that she was going to my parents home to see them. It went well but when we came home she was really restless. Had to compulsively tidy and sort through stuff in the house. I felt like she was was gearing up for a row. I didn't realise she was trying to keep busy just to try and not burst out into tears most the day. She spent a lot of the evening upstairs. I went up to check on her and asked if she wanted space which she did. She did come down eventually and we cooked dinner together.
When we went to bed she started crying. I tried to console her. I am not sure how conversation fully went but she said saying about me "not caring". This triggered me and I got angry and we rowed. We both said things we regret but after an hour or 2 we were able to go back to bed. She has since said she can't remember everything she said. We could of avoided this if we both were open about how we were feeling. If I told her I felt she was brewing up for a row she could of told me how she was feeling. I ended up winding myself up and creating a row I thought she was making.

We are doing better now but she has said she is struggling with her thoughts today but we have messaged and spoke on the phone. This evening we are going to do some questions in "love you hate porn" and read another chapter.

DAY 61 no P

Feeling 2.5
Hi, Chris1986.

You have been through a lot. You and your wife are really strong. And there is true love between the two, I can see that.
Unfortunately, this world is not kind enough to let love alone triumph over all. That's why we need to fight every day to improve ourselves and everything around us.

Your fight is hard, but I truly believe you can make it. You deserve a happy life. And your wife deserve too.

Glad to hear you are more than 60 days. That is awesome achievement.

Please, don't let your guard down and keep up the good work.


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Thank you for your kind words and your support. It means a lot.
My partner and I are both working really hard to save this. I am lucky to have ever met her. She is my Love and best friend and I will keep walking this path of recovery.

Yeah it's crazy to of have beaten the 60 day mark. Not celebrating it though cause the immature side of me made the next bench mark 69 days.

My guard is up my friend. I hope you are good too.


Still going strong I am pleased to say.
Had counselling again yesterday and only a mild breakdown this week.SUCCESS!
But in all seriousness I am still finding it reall helpful and I wish i sought out help years ago. If you are reading this and having second thoughts I IMPLORE you to give it a go.

My arm is still bad at the moment. I am going to see if i can speak to a doctor about it soon.
Decided to take the day off work tomorrow to give myself sometime to heal.

day 64 no P
feeling 2.5 out of 5


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Hey all hope eveyone is well.

I started feeling quite anxious yesterday knowing that here in the uk we shall be back in lockdown on Thursday for at least one month. This has got me worried about my gran who is 94 and not being able to visit her. She gave up trying to use laptop as always got confused with it all so only communication i will really have with her is telephone conversations.
Also I think work will go into a quiet patch which means lots of time alone at home which seems quite daunting when i let "the fear" sink in. I spoke to my fiancee about this who reminded me of all the things that I have put in place to protect me during times like these.
Started learning harmonica and been recording more piano so my music making hobbies will be getting hit hard if I do indeed have too much alone time.
I think being in pain lately with my arm hasn't helped my mind but got medication and a splint/support and that seems to be doing the trick.

I finished early today and have urges. First time really noticed them in a while and I think it's due to my worries/anxiety right now. I did some mindfulness and did the dishes, practised harmonica and that has seemed to calm me. I let my fiancee know how I have been feeling.

Hope everyone is well.

Day 67 no P

Feeling 2.5/5
Hi, Chris1986.

Congratulations on the harmonica it's a lovely instrument and very beautiful tunes! Good thing you found this healthy hobby (and challenge).

Funny thing: My arm got "injured" too. kkkk Some mosquito bite me. And I got the most terrible allergies I ever had. Next day I was in hospital. Nothing serious, though.
Hope your arm is in better shape by know.

Good night from Brazil, my friend.



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@Warrior_01. Cheers man! I got 3 actaully. In the keys of C, G and A. It's definitely a lot of fun learning note bending on them. Recorded with the C harmonica on some of my instrumental stuff already :).
Ah sucks to hear you got arm issues as well man. So the injury was from the bite? Got you on tablets?
My arm is doing better turns out ontop of the existing issue I have a lovely dose of Tendinitis which sucked!! But yeah tablets and a splint has really helped. Managed to have a easier week at work which helped it heal as well but back rendering next week so fingers crossed!
Keep well buddy.#

So the Tuesday after my update I still wasn't in the bed headspace and My Partner was really struggling. When we got home we talked. Well I mainly just listened. I knew she was hurting and she needed to be heard so I listened to her as she let out her pain. Still finding it hard not to just jump in and try and FIX it with my words straight away but doing better. We both felt a lot better afterwards and were laughing by the end of the conversation. We have both been in a better headspace for the rest of the week.
We have been finding more time for fun in life. Still working on healing but I think we are finding a better balance of living now. We are having another couples counselling session this evening which I think will be good for us both.

As I said before noticed urges have been trying to creep in more with the lockdown stress but I have really noticed it as I walk home from work. The final stretch of the journey reminds me of "the ritual" walking home glued to phone brain on fire desperately trying to get home quick to commit the act. When this kicks in I focus my mind on my surroundings. Normally I can see two huge chimneys near us. I focus on them as I walk and listen to the traffic. I tell myself I am here. I don't WANT to do that. I don't NEED to do that. So I WONT do that. This helps ground me.

Day 71 NO P

Feeling 4/5. Pretty good at the moment. Feeling clearer and my partner says I don't lose my shit as much over little things so I guess I am calmer as well. I feel we are in a good place currently. I want to keep this feeling and build on this.


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The counselling session on Friday went well. Our counsellor complimented us on our strength as a couple , our communication and the amount of work we are putting into our individual self healing. We had a nice evening afterwards of ordering too much food and chilling.
Saturday started off well. We slept in and cuddled. We went out to drop a present off to my gran (had to meet her at door as not both allowed in building at same time) which seemed to lift her spirits. We then went to do the food shop which would of been a relatively painless experience were not for one of the slowest cashiers that Morrison's have to offer.
We got home sorted out house stuff.

The other day I was chatting about an actress in a show we have been watching and my partner made a comment of thinking i was a little bit in love with her or something along those lines.
While sorting house stuff That came into my mind as I realised the actress has come to mind. I felt like it was a thought that didn't feel right and I should tell her about it so I tried but as a stumbled with my words I said it in a highly insensitive way which came across as "if I wasn't with you I would have sex with her" which wasn't what I meant. This miscommunication caused her a lot of hurt and anger and we went back and forth. I get getting muddled and not able to communicate and I started getting angry and frustrated. I felt really disappointed in myself. I chose to sleep on the sofa as a form of self punishment. It was a awful nights sleep. At around 7am ish  I went up stairs to use the loo and asked I it was ok to come into bed. She said yeah but after a while she went downstairs as didn't want to be near me. She ended up coming back up after a while. We went back to sleep and I had a nightmare that really shook me. In my dream I relapsed and I told her and the look of hurt and disappointment on her face was the last part I remember before waking. I told her in the land of the awake what I dreamt and she held and consoled me as I broke down.

We were able to speak things through later that day before a bit more up and down. I was in a really bad headspace all of Sunday and my communication skills were very low. She felt bad that she misunderstood my intention with what I said and I felt bad for hurting and upsetting her yet again.
We are back in a better place now. Trying to both make a bit more of an effort keeping the house up together. Also we realised we got into a very robotic routine with our evening meals lately so we are shaking things up and trying some different things.
My partner is going through some pains which we were not sure what it was but doctor seems to think that it's been brought on by stress. I hate that I have made her feel this way and I will continue on this path cause I never want to hurt her ever again.


Feeling 3.5/5 right now :).
Hi, Chris1986.

Let me star saying that lack of skills in communication is something I relate. In fact, I believe this is not the strongest skills in us man... That being said, of course we can improve and make better next.
Emotion, anger and frustration also decrease our ability to correctly express what we want.

I sympathize for you and your wife. All of us here fight a terrible war each day. And yours are a great one, my friend. But you have show great strength those past few days. I believe the counselling session is a "must have" and it will help you a lot in long term.

Keep in peace, brother. And keep the strength.


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@warrior_01 Thanks for your support man!


Well it's been a while and for that I am sorry. I have been doing sometime line stuff in my counselling that has proven to be surprisingly challenging and bringing up feelings.

At the moment the oldest memory I have is being in a waiting room being scared (I was having bloodtests to try and find out what/if anything was wrong with me) obviously being a child I did not have this information but I remember being scared and confused and everything felt grey. My mother was there but I could not communicate. I remember screaming so much.
Just thinking about it while writing my timeline brought me to tears. I spoke about it in my last counselling  session and I did break down a bit. The real surprise came Friday though. I finished work early so I was able to crack on with some house work. I was vacuuming the stairs listening to some music while my mind wondered. I was back there. I was scared I was confused and I felt traumatised. I cried my eyes out and ran to the bed and phoned my fiancee while on autopilot. We spoke on the phone and she guided me through some breathing while I calmed down. I felt really shaken by this. I did not realise how this one event has affected me so much. I dunno if this is the main root of my pain but it's definitely a big part of it. I am anxious of doing more timeline stuff but I know it is something that I must do to work through and process my feelings.

Positive news! Me and my partner have a adopted more rats to join our rat family! They are adorable and younger than our current ones and think they will be awesome additions to the family!

Day 88 NO P

Hi, Chris1986.

Please, let us know how you are doing (if posting here helps you, of course). And keep strong on your counselling, it does seem to clarify you about some things in your past and present.

Wish you good.


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Feeling a bit in a bit of a pit at the moment. I failed to improve on my communication since last week and she has brought up some good points that I can't disagree with though sadly that is after another argument.
I been escaping away from my feelings again (not relapsed) by going 100% in with my music and the rpg game I am creating and another I am playing with friends.
I have stopped putting in as much effort into my recovery as well so I need to focus and get my shit together.
She says that it's great I have stopped using but that's just the start. I still need to work and save this relationship. I have once again been selfish and focused on my needs more than hers.

I am not loving myself right now.


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This question may seem a little simple: do you know why you don't face your feelings? Is it because don't know how to adress them or are you ashamed for habing them?


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hey imsorrynotsorry thanks for replying.

I think maybe I never really learnt to address them? Like I have the communication issues when I was younger so I dunno if the focus was on getting my to be able to communicate basically rather than addressing and feeling my feelings. I think once I could communicate more everyone was just happy that I wasn't screaming the place down all the time!
I am working harder on my mindfulness and trying to not follow all my thoughts onto RPG stuff and music stuff. Not going to stop doing them but need to balance things out better in my mind.

106 days no P (i think i messed up my counting before but this is what my partner confirms it to be.


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Ok, that's pretty normal for a lot of guys.
Work with your counsellor on this part and maybe also on the traumapart. Maybe you already do that.

>100 is a great achievement, isn't it?
Remember that there will be no comfort. Our way to live on is a life without PMO and that's possible.


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Yeah I am working on things in counselling and practising thought watching along with pushing myself to do more mindfulness. I have kicked my efforts back up a gear.
Breaking over the 100 day mark is pretty awesome and I feel good for it but I don't like putting too much power into the numbers. I just want to continue getting healthier and growing as a person and quite happy to lose track of what day I am on from time to time.


I have not been feeling physically healthy lately. I get light headed and dizzy more often and generally feel like I have no energy. I seen a doctor who after a 2 minute (maybe longer) check up said nothing is wrong with me physically. When I tried to say about my recovery he basically showed me the door which felt pretty awful. It made me feel unheard which was a painful reminder for how my fiancee must of felt when my communication broke down again.
I am working harder on my recovery again and also just trying to be there for her more. Like when she has a bad head day/days rather than just trying to pacify her or make her snap out of it just try and lay in the mud with her. Let her know she is not alone.



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Wow it's been a while!

My partner and I have had the last 2 and a half weeks off and it was pretty glorious.

Obviously we couldn't really go anywhere other than Xmas day due to Covid Christmas but still a lush time was had.
Our first week was a very lazy week with some gaming and plenty of binge tv as well as reading.
Second week was a more constructive week. I made lots of music and made some good progress on my therapeutic musical project. It's pretty weird but been a lot of fun to work on. My partner got really into painting and done this lush one of our rat family. It is now framed in our living room.

We both had some bad head days nearing the end of our break. Think it was a mixture of knowing the time of was coming to an end and some things we watched have been quite triggering for feelings. One show ended up about a trafficked woman  who was raped by I guess you would call "Owner" and it brought up a lot of feelings.
My partner asked me lots of questions about my past of using  sex workers. It was hard but I stuck with the conversations. Part of me wanted to run or make it stop but we discussed it. It was weird actually saying out loud how it use to feel like a swelling building up inside of me over time that would go away after visiting a sex worker but so much shame before, during and after.

I haven't used sex workers physically in years but I think it made me go more into the buying of pictures online deeper and deeper.

On a more positive note I actually started running. I been for 4 so far and its starting to hurt a little less but definitely still feeling it! Using the couch to 4k App and its gonna get emotional I think!!

140 days no P

Hope everyone is well.


Hi Chris,

I'm struggling with a relationship right now and reading your journal helped me gain some perspective.  Congrats on your 140 days clean! That is a monumental achievement.