I need to do this. (Relapse. Starting again)

[TheHeartacheKid]

Hi Chris,

Read through your journal, there was so much in there that resonated with me, particularly the self-hating.  I am struggling very hard with it right now.  Your journal was inspiring in that it clearly does get better with time and work.  And man, 140 days!  That is truly amazing.  Stay strong!

 

[Chris1986]

Thanks for the replies and also making me cry some happy tears.  Sorry if this is riddled with errors as I am doing this on my phone rather than laptop.

Thank you for your congratulations it means a lot though I will be honest that got a bit of an insecure head on. Was worse yesterday but goes to show that even after this amount of time your brain plays tricks on you. Thats why I think it's important to build a recovery capital/have tools and techniques you can use during times like these.

@Pdub I do not know your story as of writing this but I assure you if you have a partner that wants to stay with you during going through this she is worth the struggle as long as she understands this isn't a quick fix.
Communication is key from both sides. Is it going to suck at times. Yes but as your practice better truer Communication it becomes easier.
Early on I couldn't talk about this with her properly. I would get the "Shame headache" go within myself and generally ending up losing my temper and shouting.
Now its easier. Granted their is still still part of my mam brain that wants to run away or shut the conversation down but I can stick with it. This really helps your partner build her closeness and get the emotional oxygen that she needs fro. You.

@theheartachekid The self hatred/loathing is a big thing to try and overcome. We have an enemy inside our head trying to inject poison into our brains and our thoughts. I found thought bouncing helps with this though I haven't mastered this yet.
To be slightly egotistical I shall quote a song I am writing.
"Your thoughts aren't who you are.  Your past is just a scar."

 

[Chris1986]

Hey all its been a little while so thought I would do a little update. Still going strong at the mo. Had a little mishap communication wise last weekend but we have spoke about it and still learning. I think I ended up getting my self caught in a cycle of wanting to be their emotionally for her but not listening to my own bodies reaction of suffocating and not giving myself time to breath properly so I regretfully lost my temper. Frustrating but will use this as a lesson and a reminder.

Feeling pretty run down at the moment. Not been able to run for nearly two weeks as I did my knee in (one I had surgery on years ago) and work has been pretty full on this week. We discussed how this could be a trying time for me as a mixture of triggers going on.
1. constant ache
2. working out in the cold and rain.
3. very early get ups causing me to be exhausted by the evening.
Before hand I would of heard "the whispers" of the sickness but seems pretty quiet on that front! I think when there has been times where I could of felt a bit overwhelmed I focused on bringing myself to the moment. Once again cannot not sing the praises of mindfulness enough. Also I think still keeping clear of social media really helps. It's surprising how much mental energy they take from you for very little reward.
Got today off so a long weekend for me. I am using today to sort out housework that needs doing so we don't have to lose any fun time over the weekend to do it.



156 DAYS NO P

 

[Chris1986]

6 months no P.

If you are struggling just remember you can do this. We can all do this. Our paths may differ in places but peace, happiness and true real honest human connection can be achieved.

I will go into more detail for what I think has been working for me but I just wanted to people to see a bit of success on here cause I remember being on here before and getting a bit down reading a fair amount of relapse after relapse after relapse tales. If you are feeling like you are being swallowed by the darkness of the sickness. There is light. There is hope and I am rooting for you all. I know I still got a lot of work to do and I am not naive enough to think that I am "over it" or that I have been "cured" but I know I am on the right path.

Cheer for you all.

182 days No P

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Hello Chris,

How is it going at your end? Just wanted to check in.

Imsor

 

[Chris1986]

Hey man sorry for the late reply. I haven't been coming on here as much as I was before in the early days.

On the addiction front I am still doing very well though Monday we had an incident and we lost our favourite most precious rat. She was so brave and social and lived her live to the fullest right to the end.
Our (me and my partners) Hearts are broken. She has been such a big part of our lives during all of the crazy.
This little rat helped me so much. She showed me so much love when I felt unlovable.
The night of the incident part of my brain really wanted to hit the booze hard (been sober for over two months now).
Also I heard whispers of the sickness trying to fill up my self loathing and find ways to make me believe it was all my fault and that maybe I deserved all this pain. I have called it out and not going to let it win.

I know this might seem silly to some to be so upset over a rat but she was more than just a "rat."
We have both cried a lot of tears over her and still shedding tears today but trying to focus on all the good times we had with her and the joy she brought to our lives and the joy we gave to her.
We still have her sister and adopted sisters who are sadly no where near as social as she was but we are making it our mission to bring them out of their shells more.

Her loss was a big test for me. I have never let in that much pain of loss in my life without anyway of numbing it or trying to run from it. I faced it and as much as it's awful that she is gone I feel better for not trying to hide from the pain.

207 days no P

 

[TheHeartacheKid]

Very sorry you lost one of your pets, but very good for you for allowing the pain to come and feel it and not run from of it.  Extremely impressive by itself, but even more so when fighting addiction.  Over 200 days too, you're a role model my friend.  Helps to see success like that.  Keep it up!

 

[Chris1986]

Thank you for your support TheHeartacheKid.

So I haven't relapsed but I have wobbled. I haven't dabbled with Porn or the unhealthy messaging stuff (hunting seeking ect.) I have wobbled on my honesty. Not just with my partner but with myself.
I have been having flashbacks. Too images, videos, acts with sex workers. Stuff from the brain on fire days.
I kept this from my partner and tried to deal with it myself. I did end up taking it too counselling but felt like I should of taken it to counselling sooner but also feel like I should of told my partner sooner.
This only got discussed with my partner after I lied to her over the weekend. She asked me about someone I use to message and my instant reaction was to lie. "I can't remember." When asked again "Oh I think i Remember someone called ...." "They were just a friend."
I should of just told her that yes I remember them and told her what I remembered (I do have legitimate blanks in my memory.)
Trust is what has kept us together and I have knocked that trust back.
The sickness part of my brain is trying to tell me that I ruined it and all this work was for nothing but after talking my partner assured me that I haven't relapsed and all the work wasn't for nothing but just a reminder of how powerful this stuff is.
I was feeling stressed and I went back within myself. I stopped using my recovery capital and tried to push down the feelings again. I can't live that way. I WON'T live that way.
I need to slow things down again and put more time into my recovery. I still have lots of work to do and a lot of things to process. Honesty. True honesty is something that I haven't had much practice with in my life. I really want to though. I will do this.

230 days NO P

 

[Chris1986]

Truth time.

So I haven't used P or any other P based unhealthy activities that have plagued my throughout my life but sadly I was still being dishonest.
I still did not disclose all my secrets even to my counsellor. So i have been lying to my partner, my counsellor and most importantly myself.

When I was asked certain questions like "did you give your number out?" "Did you have snapchat" "is there anything else you think I should know" I lied. It was a gut reaction but the voice inside taunted me about this. "its too late now. You can't tell her. she will leave you. it will destroy everything." and I listened. This left the backdoor open to my addiction. People had my number. The number that cursed me and filled me with so much shame. I received one message early during my recovery which I panicked and deleted by never told anyone about it. Yes I did change my number down the line but I should of done it STRAIGHT AWAY. I tricked my partner in thinking I was safer from it all than I was.

This  voice is the same one that when I was around 13/14 I would be sat in my room and it would tell me "you can't tell your parents how you feel. They would be disappointed in you after all your hard work? If they knew you had sex thoughts about men they would disown you? You should be better. They worked so hard on you. You should be normal. Pretend you are ok. you are ok." I was also having suicidal thoughts around this time as well.

Not being fully honest set me down the path of relapse. Luckily I didn't but if it wasn't caught by my partner down the line I would have done something. I dunno what but something would of happened.

Keeping these secrets was making my anxious, angry, stressed over smaller things. I was getting more flashbacks of things in the past. Like P acts (videos, messaging ect)  or experiences with Sex workers. These thoughts would arouse me and build up my same call me a Monster for like these acts.
Even walking down the street and doing a double take at a woman down the street I would here the voice You're slipping. You are a monster. A piece of shit.

My partner manage to catch this by asking a question about a name of a girl I use to message. She asked me a few times and my answer changed each time. "who?" "I think I remember a (name)" "oh yeah we were just friends."
We spoke a lot for a few days. I lied to her time and time again.
Luckily the earlier work about honesty that I have put in almost set up a trap. It made her question more. I got agitated and angry. My old crazy brain start flaring up. She cant know the truth. Lie. turn it around. Make it her fault
I remember thinking the relationship was over. I pushed her too far. She was going to leave. I broke down infront of someone from my work (who I have history with). I got home and just led down by the front door crying my eyes out, feeling like I couldn't breath. I thought about grabbing our large kitchen knife and sticking it inside my guts and twisting it about. I wanted to die.

We ended up talking more. We ended up messaging. It got to the point where I started confessing some of my secrets. A huge one being an on/off emotional affair with another woman. That secret has been lying deep within me like a sickness. She will never forgive you. That's a step too far
My partner was understandably very angry. she told at one point. "That's it. I'm gonna kill myself. I have nothing left." She has apologised for that since.
I had my counselling on this day. I broke down and confessed how I lied to them. How I felt my world was falling down. How much self loathing I was still feeling. How if my partner killed herself I wouldn't be able to live with myself.
My partner basically abandoned work and I heard her come home during my session. She confessed to standing still and listening in for a bit which she knows was wrong.
After my session I came down stairs to the living room where she was. I dunno who said hi first but we both said hi. I sat down on the floor and we spoke for hours. calmly. I spoke honestly. Telling her the truths behind the lies. Like telling her how some things I told her were combinations of other things and I combined the stories and had to keep them up.
I was hard but freeing. We were both sad and didn't know where the relationship was going. I was convinced we were over. I pushed her too far.
I ended up falling asleep on the sofa. (We were sat away from each other as she didn't want me to touch).
She woke me grabbed my hand and we went to put. I held her tight. She cried. I couldn't as I think I cried myself out. We eventually fell asleep wondering if this would be the last time we would share the same bed.
We both went off sick from work the next day. We spoke a lot.

*Context* I work with my father and he turns his phone in the evenings so If i want a message to get to him I message to him in the evening I message my mother. *context*

I received what we perceived to be not helpful messages from my mother. This angered us both.
I don't think my family really understand how serious this stuff has been. They don't know how out of control I have been throughout my life. How much hatred I have felt for myself. I need to speak with them more to let them know how dark things have been for me in my head.

Me and my partner are in a lot better place now. I am practising just saying my thoughts out loud. Practising honesty. I feel lighter and freer. I told her lots of things that I have repressed. She says i helps her to feel closer to me. It feels good to get it out for me as well.

I remember being around 14. Parents were out (it was rare for both of them to be out. Mother generally opted to stay home.) I was on on Aol chat and ended up chatting to an 18 year old guy. I told him that I was curious about my sexuality. Basically he wanted to come over to "test" if I was gay or not.
I hate how remember this arouses me. It's fucked. I have to remember though that this is a reaction that my body is conditioned too and I am still rewiring my brain. Over time this will ease as I condition my brain to only healthy sexual thoughts and acts.

On a note on physical aspects of recovery. My erections are a noticeably stronger. I haven't masturbated since the process of change started and it's really paying off. I find real sex so much more pleasurable. My sex drive is still low though. I rarely initiate sex. I think this still down to how much pain and shame I relate to sex.

Well I dunno how much sense this all makes but It felt good typing it all out. I probably missed out some details here and there but will see what comes out next update.

233 days no P

 

[Chris1986]

I am not a monster.
I am human and make mistakes.
I am not monster.
I am a Time traveller of the mind sometimes stuck back in time.
I am not monster.
I have broken promises to myself and others
I am not a monster.
I am haunted by thoughts I wish were not there
I am not a monster.
I have felt pain inside since I could remember
I am not a monster
I have felt like I never had real control over my life
I am not a monster
I am held while I cry and told its going to be ok
and told I am not a monster.

Well was going to do a normal update but that happened. I have been trying to write more. Even if its just notes on my phones. I find they help.

Still working hard on "expressing not repressing" and I think it's paying off. My inner monologue feels calmer. Yeah it's not always sunshine and rainbows but definitely calmer and feels easier to navigate. Maybe I am following the flow of the river of my mind rather than paddling against it? Yeah that's a nice visual .

Me and my partner have been talking a lot still. I want to keep that up. I don't want to hide within myself anymore. It's not fair on either of us. She is going through stuff separately to my issues as well so I want to be there for her to give her support as she has given me but not out of a sense of "I owe her" but because I want to always be there for her. I do get moments where I get frustrated at being as the voices say WEAK, PATHETIC, I express this to her and she tells me not to be silly. She tells me I am neither of those things. I really want to be her rock though. I wish I sorted these issues of mine out years ago. But reading a few articles today on my break I am reminded that these are things out of my control. I have given so much energy beating my self up over things I have or haven't done. Feeding the shame slug that lives within my chest. I have to accept that they can't be changed. I am powerless to do so but I can change now. I have already changed.

I haven't used for over 200 days!
I use to think I would never be able to stop. It feels so freeing. I know that I need to keep working though. Stop running away inside of myself. I was feeling a bit stressed at work earlier and it was on my and I think I was going to try and push it down but i opted to message my partner and EXPRESS this rather than REPRESS it. I felt calmer just by sharing that.

Bought a new fun "AFFIRMATORS!" journal from KnockKnock. I already got Affirmators cards which are lovely. They have cute illustrations and great little affirmations.
Today in my journal I got

​

Generosity

"I give generously to those around me, no matter how much (or how little) I have. I know there is more than enough to go around, and that the key is to allow it to keep going around without stopping. If I stop the flow, I'm like the one person at the stadium who doesn't do the wave."

I hope every one is doing well out there.
Will update again soon.

236 days no P

 

[Chris1986]

This is just a quick update.
My behaviour did not improve. I kept lying and hurting her. .I hit rock bottom. We are spending  time apart now.
I have been doing a lot of soul searching and started showering with no smart phone. Just my thoughts and practiced saying what I haven't been able to say.
Sadly I have to accept sadly like the boy that cried wolf she has heard that this is finally everything. Its going to take time to try and rebuild trust but I got to stop running from consequences and live in it. Feel it.
Wish I did it sooner but I guess I wasn't ready.  Been trying to sprint in this marathon. I need to slow down and find my pace so I can do my recovery fully and properly.

 

[Maglue]

Are you doing MO?

 

[Chris1986]

@maglue No the only time I had O is when I have been with my partner minus a wet dream I had the other week.

Update

So still taking some time for self reflection. Currently crashing at my parents but rented a place to stay nearby for next week. Still keep contact and seeing my partner as we can't bear to not see each other at all. We want this too work but I need to work on finding inner peace within myself.
I need to accept my part in all the things that I have done with this addiction. It led me but I chose to swallow. A bitter pill to swallow but it is one that must be taken.
I need to do this for myself and I will.

 

[imsorrynotsorry]

Hey Chris,

when i read through your posts i see you judging yourself really hard for who you are and i don't agree with it.
First of all, you are trying and making it real good to fight against that addiction of PMO. This is noble, this is honorable and it's making you a better person. It can be the ground for you blooming differently. Hold on to it, it's of great value.
The addiction to PMO is one thing, which you already recognised i guess. Your personality and the things you've done maybe not related to the addiction. They are anyway worth to look at and change them, if you feel like they are stones in your way.

Pathetic and weak are words one would describe another from top-down, which is not exactly a grown up way to do it. I think i understand where this is coming from, but feeling weak and pathetic isn't the point to start your change. I advice: accept what happened, it happened anyway. Be humble with your self, hold your head up high and go through this and try to be better. I'm sure, this can give you a positive self-feedback.

All the best

Imsor

 

[Chris1986]

Thank you for your reply sorryimnotsorry.
The voice calling me weak and pathetic I don't view as my own. I guess its what I refere to now as THE SHAME SLUG whose mission seems to be to tear me down.
I been holding a lot if things in still.

My work situation is....complicated?
So I work in construction with my father. We are both self employed but been working together many years.
My father is an old fashioned guy who would often say while I was developing "if I decided/cane out as gay when older you can pack your bags boy" he always said it in a serious but joking tone. I think his homophones sad that threat made the shocking novelty of gay porn even more exciting to my developing brain. More on that later.
So someone I went to school with who was in my tutor was coming out as bi/gay. We chatted online and with how my memory remembers it encouragement from the girl who was kind of my first gf but wasn't though she acted like it (not confusing) we hung out a few times and fooled around )
After a few times nothing like that happened with him for years. This was when we were 16.
Many years later in my early 30's my relationship was going bad and I was deep in the sissy hypno porn then. We started hanging out and yeah you can figure out the rest.
This guy is the director of the company me and my father sub contract for. We haven't done anything like that since before my previous relationship before the one I am in now which I hope to remain in.
Their are many rumours about his sexuality which his employees asked me about since I known him since school they ask me this in front of my father. I have to laugh it off but this causes me a lot of stress.

I deleted some messages from him. Non sexual but I dunno if pretending we weren't that close made the stress easier for me. Just delete it and it will go away is what I guess I hoped.
I told my partner about these messages but only once again after being confronted about if I deleted any messages. ,(I also deleted a message if breasts a relation sent me and my message telling him not to send stuff like that to me.)
She thought we were setting again. I couldn't put into words all the stress that surrounds the situation.
Even days after if she attempted to bring up the matter I would get angry. I didn't understand why. It took a huge row for me to be able to just sit with it and put it into words.

I haven't really thought about how much stress questioning my sexuality brought me when I was younger. I guess I just buried it down.

Hiding and deleting messages is a big boundary for us and I broke that.
I am staying In an air bnb to try and learn to live in peace within myself. I want to go home. Shebwabts me to go home but we think it will be good for me. She already commented that she thinks its helping with how I speak about my recovery. But it still hurts not being home.

I dunno how much of this makes sense to any of you.

 

[Chris1986]

So I am home. I returned home properly Friday and I am glad to be back.
Rewinding to the day earlier though we did a couples counselling session that was pretty brutal. He suggested we spent between 2 and 3 months to sort through our issues separately. Still exclusive to each other and could still support each other/see each other but not be together as a couple....but still be a couple.
It was a head fuck and really confused things. We were prepared for me coming back on the Friday.
My partner had her counselling on Friday and her counsellor didn't agree with the couples one. I also spoke to a couple of friends about it where one really thought it sounded "bonkers".
Alas we decided for me to come home fully.

While my partner was doing her counselling I did a on the phone SAA (sex addicts anonymous.) It was a strange experience but did find it helpful. Reading some of their literature has been handy. For example the 3 circles will be a useful too.
Basically the inner circle is all your acting out behaviour. Pmo for example.
The outer circle is good healthy things in life like healthy sex, creative hobbies, walks, chats with friends and all the rest of the good stuff.
The middle circle is the stuff that isnt acting out but if you don't watch it could/will lead to acting out if it isn't addressed. Not talking about things stressing you out and browsing triggering images on social media are good examples.
Drawing this out is really helpful.
Also spending time thinking about HALT.
HUNGRY
Angry
Lonely
Tired.
Feel like these feelings can lead to "auto pilot" and higher risk or relapse.
I am also adding Hurt or Pain to it as pain is a big trigger for me.

I am working on forgiving myself and learning to love myself.
I got ways to go but I am stepping closer.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can .and the wisdom to know the difference.

 

[Chris1986]

Thought I would do a post to acknowledge 253 days without acting out in P behaviour. I am pleased with this but know I still have work to do.
Feeling quite peaceful right now after some mindfulness. It's a nice feeling.
Will do a fuller update soon.

peace.

 

[Wolfman]

Great work Chris! 253 days is no small feat! Whatever else, that milestone can be a source of strength for you whenever you're feeling down. Keep going man and discover nice feelings elsewhere than P. I understand forgiveness can be a huge thing and it sort of needs its own time and space--can't push it, it sort of has to emerge on its own. But I think you've given it the best conditions so far.

 

[Chris1986]

Thank you wolfman. Yeah forgiveness and learning true self love isn't an over night process but life keeps feeling nicer the more I practice it. Its really nice not having the chaotic crazy brain rambling on all the time. Nice learning how to manage self care. Like rather than just "dealing" with feeling overwhelmed. Taking sometime to be mindfull and be quiet

UPDATE.

I am still doing good and still on the right path. Going away for a week from Saturday and my body can really do with the break. Feeling pretty worn down but feeling positive mentally.
Having my first appointment at local Osteopaths this Friday so will be interesting to see if they can help with my physical pains.
I am actually off work now till the 9th. Its my fiancées birthday not long after coming home so we are gonna have a spa day. Gonna have over a week of relaxing, exploring and bring peaceful.

Hope everyone is well out there.

 

[Chris1986]

Its been awhile. Still no relapses which I am pleased with and generally been feeling a lot calmer. I label my self a recovering sex addict rather than porn addict now. It makes more sense to me and my situation.
Been doing on the phone SAA meetings everywhere and though I am not sponsored or come to it during my rock bottom I find it helps.

Still doing my counselling and it has brought up more stuff I have repressed and has knocked my self love back.
Mindfulness is helping ease the swelling of shame

Hope you are all well.