I need to do this. (Relapse. Starting again)
- Thread starter Chris1986
- Start date
Chris1986
Active Member
So its been nearly a year. Its crazy to think how crazy my head use to be. I feel so much freer and connected. Still healing though and working things out.
Still getting use to acknowledging my anxiety.
Still coming to terms with resentments I hold towards my parents for stunting my growth. Learning to accept the places my addiction has and nearly taken me is hard but worth while. I feel a lot lighter and feel more human.
Still catch myself being too hard on myself about things outside of my control but I am still learning.
I am happy. Like actually happy. Sure I get down at times but feeling your feelings isn't a bad thing.
I talk about my problems. If I don't feel right I can use my recovery tools to work out where those feelings stem from and take some of their over whelming power away.
I haven't masturbated in nearly a year. I don't miss it but I know I am very lucky having my partner by my side. Sticking with me through all this. I share my life with her. Warts and all. Some may disagree with this approach but its working I hate thinking how much I hid from her and how much I hurt her.
We make sure to properly talk and stay truly connected most days
My sex drive isn't high. I know some may panic if this was a case but I think if you aim to have a 9 hour rock hard erection every time you look at a woman then thats just sex addiction.
I found reframing my title from porn addict to sex addict very helpful. Porn was always an issue but the sex chatting and obsessive sexual behaviours followed very soon after.
I will probably post again soon.
Hope you are all well.
Just a few days away from 1 year.
Still getting use to acknowledging my anxiety.
Still coming to terms with resentments I hold towards my parents for stunting my growth. Learning to accept the places my addiction has and nearly taken me is hard but worth while. I feel a lot lighter and feel more human.
Still catch myself being too hard on myself about things outside of my control but I am still learning.
I am happy. Like actually happy. Sure I get down at times but feeling your feelings isn't a bad thing.
I talk about my problems. If I don't feel right I can use my recovery tools to work out where those feelings stem from and take some of their over whelming power away.
I haven't masturbated in nearly a year. I don't miss it but I know I am very lucky having my partner by my side. Sticking with me through all this. I share my life with her. Warts and all. Some may disagree with this approach but its working I hate thinking how much I hid from her and how much I hurt her.
We make sure to properly talk and stay truly connected most days
My sex drive isn't high. I know some may panic if this was a case but I think if you aim to have a 9 hour rock hard erection every time you look at a woman then thats just sex addiction.
I found reframing my title from porn addict to sex addict very helpful. Porn was always an issue but the sex chatting and obsessive sexual behaviours followed very soon after.
I will probably post again soon.
Hope you are all well.
Just a few days away from 1 year.
Chris1986
Active Member
Still no pmo and feeling so much better in my head. Feel connected to myself, my partner, friends/family and the world.
Still have the odd nightmares and flashing images but that is generally a combination of stress and exhaustion. I know how to manage these moments.
Keep up the good fight.
Still have the odd nightmares and flashing images but that is generally a combination of stress and exhaustion. I know how to manage these moments.
Keep up the good fight.
EarthWalker
Respected Member
Hi Chris.
Awesome emotional clearing work you are doing brother. Thank you for sharing. This is what is making an immense change for me as well.
Your earlier post reminded me of this quote.
Let's keep on keeping on. Stay awesome.
EW
Awesome emotional clearing work you are doing brother. Thank you for sharing. This is what is making an immense change for me as well.
Your earlier post reminded me of this quote.
Let's keep on keeping on. Stay awesome.
EW
Chris1986
Active Member
Day 568 and still no PMO and still feeling connected and like a real human.
I have gotten more use to feeling my feelings and expressing them.
Still get times where my head is mean to me but I can navigate these times now pretty smoothly.
If you are struggling and feel like you can't do this remember that you can and you will.
Rooting for you all.
I have gotten more use to feeling my feelings and expressing them.
Still get times where my head is mean to me but I can navigate these times now pretty smoothly.
If you are struggling and feel like you can't do this remember that you can and you will.
Rooting for you all.
particularly_respecting
Active Member
Absolutely inspirational - thank you for continuing to post and letting us follow your journey!
Chris1986
Active Member
Thank you for your kind words.
Chris1986
Active Member
Still going strong. Things are currently quite stressful though filled with excitement as my partner and I are in the process of buying a house. Its not going to be a 100% done deal till we get those keys in our hands but other than some awkward bits of paperwork its look good right now.
Day 593 still no PMO.
Day 593 still no PMO.
Chris1986
Active Member
I have relapsed. It sucks but it happened a while ago. Maybe 6 months ago. I been fooling myself that I could get a handle on it and stopped reaching out and connecting to my partner and my friends. I stopped being as mindful and I kept setting myself up to fail. Once again I didn't have the power to actually tell my partner but rather she found out by receiving an email from my fortify as I decided I really wanted to stop. I have been letting the shame and guilt of it build back up and my partner has been asking me for a while if I was ok but I ended up gaslighting her again.
I have contacted my counsellor so see if we can start up sessions as I clearly need it.
I don't like being on my own.
If i come home tired, agitated by work and my partner wont be home for hours I start feeling down.
I don't want to be like this. I worked so hard and gutted that I slipped.
I hate that I let that voice back inside my head again.
Day 0.
I have contacted my counsellor so see if we can start up sessions as I clearly need it.
I don't like being on my own.
If i come home tired, agitated by work and my partner wont be home for hours I start feeling down.
I don't want to be like this. I worked so hard and gutted that I slipped.
I hate that I let that voice back inside my head again.
Day 0.
EarthWalker
Respected Member
In terms of relapse, maybe just a speed bump. Just continue driving. I wouldn't make it a big deal.
As for the rest, you have identified what the problems are. Shame, guilt, being alone, etc. Focus on finding solutions to this. Maybe P is just some background noise at this point?
As for the rest, you have identified what the problems are. Shame, guilt, being alone, etc. Focus on finding solutions to this. Maybe P is just some background noise at this point?
Chris1986
Active Member
I think the worse part of it was I couldn't reach out for help. It's like I felt so much shame for failing cause I never really prepared for a relapse. I gave my self zero tolerance. I set myself up to fail in that way. So I just lived with that shame and just kept trying to push it away. My partner knew something was up with me but I could not accept that truth. I made her start doubting her self and basically started gas lighting her again which is not excusable.
Worse of all I been lying to myself again. Running away from myself again. I stopped being connected. I found it hard to express myself again. I have taken a lot of steps backwards and stumbled. Though I am picking myself back up and putting the work back in. Trying to write out my feelings more and stop having a youtube video on basically every chance I get. Trying to give myself some time to breath, think and truly process what has been going on for me. I feel out of practice but I have done this before and I am already back on my feet. I have not acted out so far today though I am home alone in what feels like a very empty house right now.
Chris1986
Active Member
Second day of waking up on the sofa. My partner and I have been sleeping separately during this time. I went up stairs after struggling to get back to sleep to see if she was awake. She was. She invited me into bed and we held each other as we spoke about the past, present and potential futures.
Rewind to last night. She was crying. I was trying to comfort her. She told me she doesn't want to live without me. She also knows that if she stays she knows that she may never know when i relapse unless I am caught out. This is my first time relapsing after the longest and purest period of recovery in my life. I had a zero tolerance policy about relapsing so I never planned for one. I didn't want to consider that I may fail.....That was a mistake cause obviously I did slip up but I was lost and filled with shame....I was an imposter and pathetic. I let the old voices back into my head again.....You can't tell anyone......you can fix this yourself.......
I have accepted that I may relapse again at some point. I have made plans and worked on a bounce back plan and have decided to be mindful of this fact so in the circumstance that I do indeed succumb to the demon again I am prepared to treat myself with the compassion I deserve. Reach out and not try and hide it. Pick myself back up and start again.
I hate that i cannot have a way to prove to her that she will know that I am truly in recovery again but sadly I cannot think of away.
I have been having headaches a lot over weekends. I have finally come to the conclusion that I must be going into some withdrawal as I do not use over the weekends.
I am expecting it to get worse from tomorrow as that is usually my first dose of acting out of the week after week.
I remember the pain in my head last time as it felt like my brain was tearing itself apart. Trying to undo all the damage that had been done from my early teenage years till my initial acceptance of my addiction. This part I am not looking forward to but I know I will feel better once I start living within prolonged recovery again. I want my inner dialogue to be led by my true core self. Not by my Demon.
1 day and 22 hours not acting.
Rewind to last night. She was crying. I was trying to comfort her. She told me she doesn't want to live without me. She also knows that if she stays she knows that she may never know when i relapse unless I am caught out. This is my first time relapsing after the longest and purest period of recovery in my life. I had a zero tolerance policy about relapsing so I never planned for one. I didn't want to consider that I may fail.....That was a mistake cause obviously I did slip up but I was lost and filled with shame....I was an imposter and pathetic. I let the old voices back into my head again.....You can't tell anyone......you can fix this yourself.......
I have accepted that I may relapse again at some point. I have made plans and worked on a bounce back plan and have decided to be mindful of this fact so in the circumstance that I do indeed succumb to the demon again I am prepared to treat myself with the compassion I deserve. Reach out and not try and hide it. Pick myself back up and start again.
I hate that i cannot have a way to prove to her that she will know that I am truly in recovery again but sadly I cannot think of away.
I have been having headaches a lot over weekends. I have finally come to the conclusion that I must be going into some withdrawal as I do not use over the weekends.
I am expecting it to get worse from tomorrow as that is usually my first dose of acting out of the week after week.
I remember the pain in my head last time as it felt like my brain was tearing itself apart. Trying to undo all the damage that had been done from my early teenage years till my initial acceptance of my addiction. This part I am not looking forward to but I know I will feel better once I start living within prolonged recovery again. I want my inner dialogue to be led by my true core self. Not by my Demon.
1 day and 22 hours not acting.
Chris1986
Active Member
Today has been hard as I knew it would be. Feels like everything is happening at once. As well as getting my recovery back on track one of our pet rats is unwell and possible may need to be put down soon. She is unresponsive to medication to sort out a suspected stone in here bladder :/.
Also the company I subcontract has "ran out of work" for us currently though I suspect this has something to do with a manager there who seems to have it in for us (My father and I work together). He doesn't like that our hours can change but as subcontracters we charge day rates and we have had no issues with any of the other managers.
I feel he has been trying to rile me up get me to come to the office or just say something I will regret to make the other managers choose not to use us anymore. I manage to resist but it was hard. Feeling my feelings again has been hard. Thankfully I have had some friends come over since I been home 1 after another and been able to talk things through.
Had a bit of a crying breakdown on my kitchen floor at one point but I was consoled.
I have not acted out and definitely feeling a bit crazy at the moment but I will fight on.
2 days and 22 hours not acting out.
Also the company I subcontract has "ran out of work" for us currently though I suspect this has something to do with a manager there who seems to have it in for us (My father and I work together). He doesn't like that our hours can change but as subcontracters we charge day rates and we have had no issues with any of the other managers.
I feel he has been trying to rile me up get me to come to the office or just say something I will regret to make the other managers choose not to use us anymore. I manage to resist but it was hard. Feeling my feelings again has been hard. Thankfully I have had some friends come over since I been home 1 after another and been able to talk things through.
Had a bit of a crying breakdown on my kitchen floor at one point but I was consoled.
I have not acted out and definitely feeling a bit crazy at the moment but I will fight on.
2 days and 22 hours not acting out.
Chris1986
Active Member
4 days and 3 hours of not acting out.
The work stress has not affected me as much today though the lack of work right now is a worry but been able to put more flooring down in the loft which is a job that needed doing. Will give us so much more storage.
Our Ill pet rat we are trying one last medication to see if that helps her. Oddly enough she seemed more herself today and she hasn't had any of this medicine yet!
Had another really good talk with my partner during rat time (time when we have the rats out to cause chaos). Think it done us a lot of good and feel very connected.
I realised I have not been myself and lost my motivation this past 6 months or so. It does make me feel guilty but its a reminder that I mustn't let the demon back into the driving the seat.
I only shed a few tears today so a great improvement on yesterday. I am wonder if the withdrawal is going to be AS vicious as last time seeing as the first time was my brain rewiring from my entire teenage years and adulthood of usage while this time is a much shorter period of time in comparison.
Hope every one is doing well in their recovery and if not remember to be kind to yourselves and pick yourself back up.
Peace.
The work stress has not affected me as much today though the lack of work right now is a worry but been able to put more flooring down in the loft which is a job that needed doing. Will give us so much more storage.
Our Ill pet rat we are trying one last medication to see if that helps her. Oddly enough she seemed more herself today and she hasn't had any of this medicine yet!
Had another really good talk with my partner during rat time (time when we have the rats out to cause chaos). Think it done us a lot of good and feel very connected.
I realised I have not been myself and lost my motivation this past 6 months or so. It does make me feel guilty but its a reminder that I mustn't let the demon back into the driving the seat.
I only shed a few tears today so a great improvement on yesterday. I am wonder if the withdrawal is going to be AS vicious as last time seeing as the first time was my brain rewiring from my entire teenage years and adulthood of usage while this time is a much shorter period of time in comparison.
Hope every one is doing well in their recovery and if not remember to be kind to yourselves and pick yourself back up.
Peace.
Chris1986
Active Member
Day 5 of not acting out.
Woke up very stressed and very busy head. Been feeling a lot of brain fog and an underlying feeling of sadness. I have been reaching out and connecting though. A close friend came over for a few hours and worked from mine which was nice. Spoke to another friend on the phone and going round to see another in a bit.
I have put myself on a dopamine diet. The only youtube time I have had in these 5 days have been for guided mindfulness and not been browsing quora or been googling the global//national/local news. Just really trying to limit the time I have been staring at my phone.
The silence when I am on my own seems so loud though.
I ran a 5k today as well. First time ever doing one WITHOUT music. Was definitely hard.
Hope everyone is doing well. If not be kind to yourself.
Peace.
Woke up very stressed and very busy head. Been feeling a lot of brain fog and an underlying feeling of sadness. I have been reaching out and connecting though. A close friend came over for a few hours and worked from mine which was nice. Spoke to another friend on the phone and going round to see another in a bit.
I have put myself on a dopamine diet. The only youtube time I have had in these 5 days have been for guided mindfulness and not been browsing quora or been googling the global//national/local news. Just really trying to limit the time I have been staring at my phone.
The silence when I am on my own seems so loud though.
I ran a 5k today as well. First time ever doing one WITHOUT music. Was definitely hard.
Hope everyone is doing well. If not be kind to yourself.
Peace.
Chris1986
Active Member
6 days 18 hours
My legs!!
No work on today so I slept in which was nice. I decided to go for my 2nd run of the week but allowed myself to have my running playlist on to aide me. It was good though I ran too far AWAY from home so when I got to the point I couldn't run anymore (6k) I had a 30 minute walk back home.
When I got home I had some rice crispies for breakfast that really spoke to my inner child and a very strong coffee which spoke to my outer adult.
I have been scared lately. I think possibly more scared than the first time I truly entered the arena of recovery. I was convinced I could do this without relapsing....But I did. I have been feeling really sorry for myself and really trying to reduce my alone time. Me and my partner spoke about this fear. Going to look into if I have some separation anxiety. Something I will bring to my counselling.
I realise that I have to live my life and I AM STRONG. I stood tall against my demon for nearly 600 days. I can do this. I have the power and I have the choice. Alone time isn't a curse or something to be feared. I have no many interests and projects I can fill my time with. I choose to fill my time with them. Demon you can kindly piss off and leave me be. Go back into the corner of our room and sulk. I don't have time for your bullshit cause I am choosing life.
Life not driven by you.
F U demon.
Hope everyone else is well. Much love.
My legs!!
No work on today so I slept in which was nice. I decided to go for my 2nd run of the week but allowed myself to have my running playlist on to aide me. It was good though I ran too far AWAY from home so when I got to the point I couldn't run anymore (6k) I had a 30 minute walk back home.
When I got home I had some rice crispies for breakfast that really spoke to my inner child and a very strong coffee which spoke to my outer adult.
I have been scared lately. I think possibly more scared than the first time I truly entered the arena of recovery. I was convinced I could do this without relapsing....But I did. I have been feeling really sorry for myself and really trying to reduce my alone time. Me and my partner spoke about this fear. Going to look into if I have some separation anxiety. Something I will bring to my counselling.
I realise that I have to live my life and I AM STRONG. I stood tall against my demon for nearly 600 days. I can do this. I have the power and I have the choice. Alone time isn't a curse or something to be feared. I have no many interests and projects I can fill my time with. I choose to fill my time with them. Demon you can kindly piss off and leave me be. Go back into the corner of our room and sulk. I don't have time for your bullshit cause I am choosing life.
Life not driven by you.
F U demon.
Hope everyone else is well. Much love.
Chris1986
Active Member
During the times i been minimising my dopamine intake I really did notice how LOUD quiet was. It was quite stressful but I been learning to have my inner dialogue with my true core self again. I found really working on bringing in regular mindfulness practice and self compassion is helping. Even the simple had of looking at myself in the mirror and reminding myself that I am good. I do good things and I am loved and I love.
Chris1986
Active Member
8 days 17 hours
Still going strong thought it has been up and down.
Friday
Things were hard between me and my partner. She has a HIGH stress job and her week was one of her hardest in recent memory so trying to balance that as well as our situation really took it out of her. I currently don't have work on (more on that later) so i tried to get the house together like cleaning out the rats cage/tidying and a nice roast dinner ready for her so when she got home she didn't need to do anything. She came home and we spoke for a while I think she still had the adrenaline from work flowing through her veins. She showered as I got dinner finished up.
We ate and afterwards she looked exhausted, tired and distant. This made me sad. I told her the selfish part of me hoped the evening was going to look different. I wanted her to be happy but as I noticed I know this was the selfish part of my brain.
She took offence to this and felt like she was telling me off. This confused me as I already called out that this was a selfish thought but I was just expressing this. I guess learning to manage your feelings again doesn't mean letting every thought out and sometimes having more consideration.
She ended up falling asleep on the sofa. I did our ill rats medicine and as I went back down stairs I slipped and landed horribly on my leg and slid down the stairs hyper extending my ankle on said leg. It really hurt as it does now. I tried to wake my partner and let her know what happened she just seemed to get frustrated with me. She was in sleep mode and not her right mind but this made me feel rejected and uncared for.
I went back upstairs and had the rats out in their room for a while as I tried to read my book "a boy his dog and the end of the world" which is probably going to end up being my favourite book I ever read. After this I went back down stairs and just led on the living room floor hoping she was wake at some point. She did not so I went upstairs to our empty bed. I struggled to get to sleep as I normally do when on my own. The chaotic neighbours came back drunk as I just managed to drift off so that woke me. My leg was throbbing and was really taking my focus.
Not sure what time it was but my partner came upstairs and got into our bed.
Saturday
I awoke and felt like there was a distance between us. It was a thought I could not shake. I realise how much my feelings are regulated by how "accepted" I feel I am. This is something I need to look at again in my counselling which starts again on tuesday.
When my partner woke I spoke how we felt. It was not a great conversation. She found it hard to trust anything I said. She doesn't know if I am me or my addiction/demon led version of me trying to manipulate to her. This frustrated me though its a boy that cried wolf. I told her I was fine and nothing was wrong for 6 months so HOW can she know that I am telling the truth now. This is something I have to accept. I can't just tell her things are good now and expect her to accept it.
As I said the conversation wasn't great and I ended up leaving the house. The walk was hard as my leg was throbbing. I felt a pins and needles in my foot and toes and cold sensation on my hamstring. I do wonder if their are times where a lot of the extreme physical pain I have felt in my life is my brain exaggerating what's there?
I saw my gran pretended everything was fine. She is 96 and if her time comes soon I don't want her to leave this realm knowing things were not great or wondering if things were going to work out. She has often said she loved seeing me and my partner together. It makes her happy seeing how we are together.
After my grans I walked around a few shops and considered my day's plan. I reached out to a friend via messaging. I opted to come home and conversation again did not start great.....We got to a point where we were calmer and felt like we were connecting again. I have to be mindful of the fact I am not the only one going through something. My partner was again gaslight and her relationship with her gut feeling has once again been rocked hard.
She offered to trim my beard and told me I should shower (nicely saying that I stunk to high hell). I did and we ended up going out for lunch/brunch/early dinner and then a coffee afterwards. When we were having coffee we spoke a lot about my career. For those who have tuned only recently I work in construction. I have done since I was 17 and been in a working partnership with my father for all that time. We are both self employed and subcontact to other companies. My father is planning on retiring next year and I have been seriously considering changing to something else for the last 5 years.
The issue is the money is pretty good for the hours I do but I feel so stressed by it. We always worked to the belief of getting paid for the amount of work we do rather than the amount of hours being on a job. If 2 people spend all day doing the same amount of work as we can do in 5 hours why should we lose out cause they are either shit or lazy? I also think the wear and tear is has had on my body does not help my mental health either. I need to do something less physically demanding. But changing now I know will mean a huge change of pay. We will be ok and we will be able to keep mortgage payments up but will not be as comfortable. This is all jumping ahead though as jobs are hard to come by right now and also WHAT do I do? I started working with my father while I figured this out. That was nearly 20 years ago!?
After coffee we went home and had the rats out for a while. I tried looking for local jobs online and got myself quite sad about the situation. My partner encouraged me to stop for now and spend the rest of the evening doing nice things. I started playing guardians of the galaxy as she did some adult colouring and then a big jigsaw. We ordered Belgium waffles and Ice cream as a treat and did our stuff till about 1.30am.
Now it is Sunday and I am at the laptop listening to an album I made the other year typing this out deciding what to do with the rest of my day. Make some music? Work on the game I am making? I know what I WONT be doing and that is acting out.
peace.