I need to do this. (Relapse. Starting again)

Chris1986

Active Member
10 days 18 hours.

Yesterday I fell in the pit. Everything was so overwhelming and I felt so hopeless. Thankfully my partner took the day off so I wasn't alone.
I am feeling more alive and more like myself today.
Picking myself back up and onwards and upwards.

Got my first counselling session since last November later on. Will be good to get things back on track.

Much love to you all.
 

Chris1986

Active Member
11 Days and 22 hours.

Feeling pretty relaxed now. Just done a couple of guided mindfulness mediations. One on fortify about guiding the heart and the other from the daily calm on youtube about just being present.

I was feeling pretty tired and worn out beforehand. Been some jobs round the house. Sorting out sealing in boiler cupboard with help from my father and sorting out the bottom shelf myself and sealing it to make it cleaner, tidier and spider proof which is most important to my partner.
In between that I sorted out dinner for later. Sausage casserole which is cooking away in the slow cooker.

My partner phoned me while she was at work (as she still is while I type this out). We spoke about how are days were going. We hung up and she phoned me straight back. She said she didn't want to say it and it was hard to say but she was really struggling. I asked if she needed to take more time off. If she could talk to her manager or a colleague but her manager was out on bereavement and she didn't want to dump all the work load on her colleague. She said she didn't tell me cause she wanted me to fix it. I told her I know but I wanted to suggest things incase I could help in some way. Though obviously I wish i could fix it. I told her I know a lot of what she is feeling is my fault. She reminded me that saying that wasn't helpful as that made her feel like she couldn't talk to me about these things as would make her worry it would make me feel guilty/shame. I definitely see that. I need to be there for HER and not make it about myself.

I'm still worrying about the work situation. I got a weeks work booked in but that's not for a few weeks. It will be good money but we are going to have to sit down and work out our finances.

I think that is all I can think to type at this time.
I hope everyone is doing well out there.
 

Chris1986

Active Member
16 days 22 hours

Still staying strong though noticing the recovery process feels different than the last time. Definitely not as manic as last time but more times of feeling sad or a just a bit numb. The work situation isn't helping and we ended up making the decision to let one of our rats rest as they were not getting any better after many different medicines. She is missed greatly. I hate thinking how she will never grip my wrist like a tight hug as she would before climbing up my arm.

As no work on this week trying to treat it as a holiday in a hope I actually relax. The thought of work stuff really seems to stress me out still though so its like stressed that got no work but the thought of actually doing work is a stress as well.

I am staying connected and healthy though.

much love to all.
 

Chris1986

Active Member
17 days 16 hours.

Had a bit of a wet nightmare (not a dream as it wasn't my true hearts desire) last night. I know this is part of the healing process but I really hate the lack of control.
Followed a mindful mediation before getting out of bed today. Not been my favourite one I tried but live and learn.
Just about to go out for a run. Hope everyone else is well.
 
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