I need to do this. (Relapse. Starting again)

[Chris1986]

10 days 18 hours.

Yesterday I fell in the pit. Everything was so overwhelming and I felt so hopeless. Thankfully my partner took the day off so I wasn't alone.
I am feeling more alive and more like myself today.
Picking myself back up and onwards and upwards.

Got my first counselling session since last November later on. Will be good to get things back on track.

Much love to you all.

 

[Chris1986]

11 Days and 22 hours.

Feeling pretty relaxed now. Just done a couple of guided mindfulness mediations. One on fortify about guiding the heart and the other from the daily calm on youtube about just being present.

I was feeling pretty tired and worn out beforehand. Been some jobs round the house. Sorting out sealing in boiler cupboard with help from my father and sorting out the bottom shelf myself and sealing it to make it cleaner, tidier and spider proof which is most important to my partner.
In between that I sorted out dinner for later. Sausage casserole which is cooking away in the slow cooker.

My partner phoned me while she was at work (as she still is while I type this out). We spoke about how are days were going. We hung up and she phoned me straight back. She said she didn't want to say it and it was hard to say but she was really struggling. I asked if she needed to take more time off. If she could talk to her manager or a colleague but her manager was out on bereavement and she didn't want to dump all the work load on her colleague. She said she didn't tell me cause she wanted me to fix it. I told her I know but I wanted to suggest things incase I could help in some way. Though obviously I wish i could fix it. I told her I know a lot of what she is feeling is my fault. She reminded me that saying that wasn't helpful as that made her feel like she couldn't talk to me about these things as would make her worry it would make me feel guilty/shame. I definitely see that. I need to be there for HER and not make it about myself.

I'm still worrying about the work situation. I got a weeks work booked in but that's not for a few weeks. It will be good money but we are going to have to sit down and work out our finances.

I think that is all I can think to type at this time.
I hope everyone is doing well out there.

 

[Chris1986]

16 days 22 hours

Still staying strong though noticing the recovery process feels different than the last time. Definitely not as manic as last time but more times of feeling sad or a just a bit numb. The work situation isn't helping and we ended up making the decision to let one of our rats rest as they were not getting any better after many different medicines. She is missed greatly. I hate thinking how she will never grip my wrist like a tight hug as she would before climbing up my arm.

As no work on this week trying to treat it as a holiday in a hope I actually relax. The thought of work stuff really seems to stress me out still though so its like stressed that got no work but the thought of actually doing work is a stress as well.

I am staying connected and healthy though.

much love to all.

 

[Chris1986]

17 days 16 hours.

Had a bit of a wet nightmare (not a dream as it wasn't my true hearts desire) last night. I know this is part of the healing process but I really hate the lack of control.
Followed a mindful mediation before getting out of bed today. Not been my favourite one I tried but live and learn.
Just about to go out for a run. Hope everyone else is well.

 

[Chris1986]

24 days and 1 hour

Still going strong. I went to work today after having the last 3 weeks off. Helping an old work friend of mine fit a kitchen. He is aware of my struggle with addiction/mental health so he is very supportive.
I was strange getting up early again but the day went quite quick though was a longer working day than I have been use to for a while anyway.
Had a moment where I damaged part of the unit and really felt the feelings of being worthless and pathetic creep in. He said it wasn't a problem and it happens. I told him that part of my brain was calling me useless and he assured me I was far from useless so that helped.

Not working for the firm I normally subcontract definitely eases the stress I think. I still don't know if this line of work is what I want to do anymore long term though. But what do I do instead? I have been doing this sort of work since I was 17. Nearly 20 years. I just don't know.

I think something where I know I actually help people would suit me though I would love to find work using my creative side but the field is so oversaturated as it is.

Just rambling now but I think we all need a little ramble from time to time.

I hope everyone is well.

 

[EarthWalker]

Not working for the firm I normally subcontract definitely eases the stress I think. I still don't know if this line of work is what I want to do anymore long term though. But what do I do instead? I have been doing this sort of work since I was 17. Nearly 20 years. I just don't know.

I know what you mean. I've been at my current profession for around 16 years. I wouldn't mind just changing the field of work altogether.

Had a moment where I damaged part of the unit and really felt the feelings of being worthless and pathetic creep in. He said it wasn't a problem and it happens. I told him that part of my brain was calling me useless and he assured me I was far from useless so that helped.

yeah, this is big. Awesome that you are mindful about this. Self-esteem is a big one. I've compensated for the lack of self-esteem with being exceptionally skilled at my job so nobody can come close at impacting the lack of my self-esteem. Also in some cases just being quite abrasive. Not the way to have a happy life. I made some progress. Wishing you much success in self-esteem inner work.

 

[Chris1986]

30 days 17 hours.

Well the tail end of last week was killer at work. Thursday we did a 10 hour Plus day where me and my buddy were feeling shattered.
Next morning I woke up drained and feeling pretty unwell. Noticed I had a miss call from my buddy. I phoned him back . He said he felt too ill and see if we could do Saturday. It wasn't Ideal but it was what it was. I went back to bed and my partner was still there. Extra cuddles were lush. I went back to sleep and when I woke me and my partner were cuddling and chatting and I was going to try and convince her to take the day sick (she been working from home as ill.) I check my phone 13 miss calls from my buddy. End result we ended up going to work but didn't start till half 9. ended up being another long day as things went wrong like him going to get materials like him forgetting to take his phone/cards so had to come back grab that then go out again. This lost us an hour. It was my mothers and Niece's birthday meal and this was stressing me as I realised I was going to be late. I thought I lost keys to the house we were working on but thankfully they ended up under the van.
I made it to the birthday meal only 30 minutes late but I was shattered, My partner was there and brought me clean clothes.

Not long ago we had one of our rats put to rest. Her sister will be joining her today. She has lumps. At least 4 and they are getting so big now. Best to do it before she starts suffering. Been trying to spoil her over the weekend and giving her lots of extra treats.

last few weeks been feeling pretty numb down below but yeah that's been coming back to life and been feeling pretty strong.
Been reframing sex in my mind. I for a long time have really viewed it as dirty I guess. Like when i had thoughts of trying to engage my partner I would start feeling guilty/shame. I suppose a lot of my life it has been a source of shame.
Me and my partner spoke about how sex is something that can be beautiful that we can be raw and venerable with each other. She been struggling with initiating sex as well but we both found this conversation helped us a lot and we embraced this way of viewing sex as well as each other.

Hope all are well.

 

[Chris1986]

38 days 17 hours

So in England right now it is MIGHTY COLD. I been doing outdoor work though I don't think it should be getting done as the temperature is too cold for the work to actually set. This has been a stress.
Still have not been paid for last week so this is another stress.
I am struggling with my legs. I am trying to wrap up and keep warm but I am starting to think I have a circulation issue in them as they felt cold all weekend though I was mainly inside. I had to take some pain killer to sleep last night as they were uncomfortable and throbbing. Pain is a trigger for me as well.

I know I have these things going on. I am talking about them and not letting them get the better of me.
I will keep strong and keep up the work.

I hope all is well.

 

[Chris1986]

44 days 16 hours

Still doing well and staying strong. Work situation is still a stress but it's not consuming me. If anything the last week or so has helped me decide that I really need to change my career path.
My legs are feeling better and hoping to go for a run today. I haven't got work and I already made dinner and put it in slow cooker so no excuse really!

Much love to all.

 

[EarthWalker]

Hope you find a career you will love. Good luck bro.

 

[Chris1986]

60 Days 21 hours

I haven't been very active lately on here.
I have been ill since before Xmas and pretty fed up of it now. Had a fever for most the week the week before xmas where I was sweating through my clothes then getting freezing cold. Haven't had any energy for a while. Been to a doctors but they just tell me to rest. I am coughing up loads of crap but wasn't given any medication for it. I am going back to doctors Friday as I need to get better. I cant really start trying to sort out anything work wise till I know I am well enough to actually work again.

On the plus side my partner has been off for the last two weeks and that has been great having this time together, Just wish I was able to do things!

Much love.

 

[Chris1986]

66 days 19 hours

I am still not fully well and still not working currently. My partner went back to work yesterday so I am back to being home alone.
Yesterday I spent most of my day drawing/colouring with these alcohol pens. Very mindful thing to do and was nice getting the creative parts of my brains going again.
Struggled to get to sleep last night. Hard to get comfortable. I was trying to sit up as when I was led down fully I would start coughing. I coughed myself awake a few times in the night.
After my partner set off for work this working I went back to sleep. I had a nightmare in which I was back in the loft room at my parents home (a place of a lot of acting out) and I was fixated on my phone. I was on a google image search which I cannot recall of what at first but it was innocent. I noticed one image turned to P...then the rest started to change...In the dream I started to M. I woke up as I O'd while not touching myself. It made me panic though as I came round I realised it was a nightmare and I didn't actually act out. I hate these dreams cause while I am in them they feel so real. I feel so powerless.

I have spent sometime reading so far today. The writers map edited together by Huw Lewis-Jones but each chapter is written by a different author. Definitely worth your time if you are into that sort of thing.

I am aware that during the Xmas time off me and my partner have had I have no focused on my recovery so much. Granted it was filled with nice things, granted not been able to do as much as we hoped due to my health which has left me feeling some guilt though I know that it's ok and these things happen. Either way though I need to be more proactive in my recovery rather than reactive. I think my nightmare confirms this.

Much love to you all.

 

[Chris1986]

81 days 21 hours

I am doing better in my health now. Still not 100% but been working again with a matelast week and some of this week.
I found my self having moments of being very drained and hurting after work which were "prime" acting out time when I got home.
I have stayed strong though.
Still looking at getting out of construction but I am struggling with guilt of feeling like I am abandoning my father who I have worked with since I was 17. He is retiring this year but still wants to do a few days a week, I would like to find someone who he can do that work with so I can pursue other avenues and get out of construction which is a source of great physical pain and mental stress.

I hope all are well.

 

[EarthWalker]

Good luck man.

 

[Chris1986]

Good luck man.

Thank you. Hope you are ok.

I have been away for a while. Things have been going ok though the work situation still isn't perfect but I have been working again.
Me and my counsellor agreed that I was no longer in need of our session at this time. They said their door was always open to me though which is nice.

I am feeling pretty stressed at the mo. I found my gran collapsed saturdays ago. I was able to help her up and get her into her chair.
I phoned my old man (her son) and he came over and we spent some time with her. He went round next day and she was collapsed again. Face first. He phoned me and I went straight down their with my partner. We were able to get her up but she looked battered. My sister came round who is a nurse to check her over as well as my uncle (her other son who has a death sentence of less than 8 years due to asbestosi .) we decided to get an ambulance. They came within 15 minutes which shocked us all. They decided she need to be fully check over in hospital. I went in the ambulance with her. She was very confused and kept asking what was going on. She couldn't remember falling either time. I spent the day in hospital with her going with her on scans. It was hard.
My other uncle was also in hospital at the same time due to being too unwell for his 5th round of chemo. His blood pressure was shot AND he had covid....He went home just 2 days ago.
My gran is still in and we have been going on regular visits though she can't remember them. She is so confused. She has a urine infection and a fracture pelvis. She keeps saying she just wants to lay down go to sleep and die. It breaks my heart.

 

[Androg]

Sorry for what you're going through. It's hard to see a loved one decline.

 

[Chris1986]

Rough day yesterday. Visit with my gran was tough and we had one of our rats put down.
I am doing ok though.

In the last few months I worked through some of my sexual shame with self touch as my counsellor had advised. I ignored this advise and never M'd in my first long period of recovery.

I feel alot more in touch with myself and found it has helped me a lot.

 

[Chris1986]

Still been quite stressful. Gran still in hospital and thought uncle was gonna pass a few times.

In positive news its still early days but all going well I am going to be a dad.
I am full of love and hope. The news has filled me with joy. I remember wanting g this life but never believing it possible as I felt so disgusting. Felt like a monster.
This is the best news I have had in my life.

 

[Chris1986]

And on streak notes I am on 191 days

 

[Chris1986]

My gran has been moved from hospital into a care home. She cant look after herself anymore and her confusion is now dementia. Had a really tough visit with her today. Lots of tears from us both. Had an acting out urge but opted to come on here. I cannot recall where I saw it but the phrase "I noticed a pattern so I made a choice" has been very helpful in trying times.

Also huge news.

I am going to be a Father. Had 12 week scan the other day and watching them kick their little legs really blew my mind!