@imsorrynotsorry.
It got pretty bad again but we have spoke and had a nice evening yesterday. We are learning how to communicate and navigate through this.
So it's been a few days since my last update.
I have had some weird feelings at times the last few days which I know understand to be cravings. Monday evening they got stronger and stronger and made me feel really uncomfortable and my chest heavy. Luckily playing with the rats helped distract me long enough till my partner came home from being out with her colleagues.
We spoke that evening and I answered some questions although I did lie first of all. Still got to work on this honesty.
We went to bed that night calmly and slept well.
Next day was bad twice. I kept a friendship basically compartmentalised away from her with and old school friend who I have slept with in the past. She herself is an addict and has been in and out of AA the last year or so.
I have mentioned this friend before but my partner did not know how often we were messaging and had phone calls on occasion.
I honestly feel like this is a friendship and I do not know why i kept it so compartmentalised.
My Fiancee seems to be suffering from betrayal Trauma and Tuesday night it got really bad. She kept wanting to speak about it although I felt i answered her question to the best of my ability. I said I don't think this friendship is unhealthy behaviour but give me a month to think it through. I am off instagram which i used to communicate with my friend. The conversation got heated. Very heated and for a little while it seemed like my fiancee wasn't really there.
She has since said in her mind she was listening but it wasn't going in. Her mind basically convinced her i was one of her ex's.
She can't remember a lot of what she said that night.
We eventually went to sleep but the next morning she was really panicky. I wasn't sure what to do. I had to go to work.
As I was on my way she called me crying. I could not make out what was being said. She hung up. I kept trying to call her that morning. Called her work mobile to see if it was on and ended up speaking to someone at her office just to check she has signed in. I was worried that something bad had happened with the radio silence. She ended up messaging me and we ended up having a good chat on the phone.
We have since decided no serious conversations over text as it easily can get confused with what tone things are meant in.
When I was walking home I felt the sickness talking to me it seemed. It seemed to romanticise porn use. It was really trying to sell the idea to me by saying how its harmless and its a great stress reliever. I did not give in to these thoughts.
When I got home we ended up chatting some more, We spoke about our feelings and our behaviour lately. I also told her about my brain trying to play tricks on me. We spoke till my phone started making a strange noise. It was my counsellor. I got my days mixed up but yeah had my 2nd counselling session. It was good. Glad I am doing them.
We ended up having a lovely evening. My Partner cooked a lovely spag bog and we chilled with the rats out. I gamed for a bit as well. We were close and had lovely cuddles as well. We both really needed that evening. We went to bed early and both slept really well.
Today nothing really of note. We messaged and spoke on the phone which went well.
Had some cravings while I was walking home again but resisted again. I shook it off and checked my phone for messages from my partner. I ended up sending her a suggestive message. It went down well. When I got home I ended up cleaning out the rat cage, doing some vacuuming cleaning and preparing dinner. I started typing this out and had some tedtalks about pornography on youtube playing.
When she came home we spoke and we were intimate. I won't go into too much detail as don't want to trigger anyone!
I finished dinner and we ate. She checked my phone and was happy with results
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Now I am finishing this we are having a nice evening and going to get the rats out in a bit
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Hope everyone is well.
DAY 15 NO P