Chris1986
Active Member
Yesterday I was still not feeling amazing. Not in as much pain and I was calmer.
My fiancee had her counselling and she was very quiet afterwards. I held her and spoke to her and spoke more about the addiction. She asked me more questions I answered. One of the questions she asked was was I masturbating in secret while she was home. She has asked this a few times (not sure how many times) in the last few weeks. I admitted that I did.
We went to bed and before we went to sleep she reminded me that I have still been lying. This obviously played on her mind cause I woke up this morning and she was gone. She was on the sofa.
We spoke briefly before I went to work. Text's that were exchanged before I started work made it clear she wasn't happy. I phoned her when I had the chance. She was angry, she told me how lying is still leaving the door open to addiction. How I was still choosing it. She told me how it has set back a lot of the good work that I have done. She explained how me saying sorry means nothing. I said i know my words meant nothing and I had to show her I was sorry and I really wanted to work on getting my self better.
She told me I was going to have to tell her something that she doesn't have to pry out of me. She is fucked off with having to ask me things multiple times in multiple ways till she asks it just the right way to get the answers she is looking for.
I thought hard. It was triggering. I had flashes of many memories.
On the way home I was full on brain fog. Felt trapped in a bubble. My brain was in full on panic mode.
When i got home I gave the rats some grapes then went upstairs. She was working from home on this day. I asked if she could speak. I told her that I didn't stop seeing sex workers in my mid twenties but I went from Asian woman to Asian Transgender (then just transgender) sex workers (and 1 white guy) who I got to have sex with me. The last one I saw I think was about 4 months before I met my partner. I have no seen any since but I have browsed the listings on birchplace.
We spoke some more and I confessed to her that the friend she was worried about that I hid the scale of the friendship I had a stage of being obsessed with her years ago after being pushed away.
My urges and cravings have been strong today. I have had many flashes of porn and past experiences. I still have not used though.
I had my 3rd counselling session. I was hard but good. My counsellor felt like it was our best session so far. I cried a few times. I feel like as we get deeper this is really going to help.
I don't feel good right now. My fiancee is out and I don't know if I will be sleeping here the next few nights. We will discuss that when she gets back.
We are renewing our tenancy on the house tomorrow. I know things are rocky but we still need this house as home base if we are going to survive. I told her if I end up having to move out for good I would still make sure rent is paid.
I need to get better. I need to be honest.
Going to start ranking how I am feeling at the end of these as well.
Day 21 no P.
Feeling right now 2/5. Not full on despair right now but deep shame and brain fog. Right arm has shooting pains and numbness in hand.
I think this is the longest I have ever gone without P
My fiancee had her counselling and she was very quiet afterwards. I held her and spoke to her and spoke more about the addiction. She asked me more questions I answered. One of the questions she asked was was I masturbating in secret while she was home. She has asked this a few times (not sure how many times) in the last few weeks. I admitted that I did.
We went to bed and before we went to sleep she reminded me that I have still been lying. This obviously played on her mind cause I woke up this morning and she was gone. She was on the sofa.
We spoke briefly before I went to work. Text's that were exchanged before I started work made it clear she wasn't happy. I phoned her when I had the chance. She was angry, she told me how lying is still leaving the door open to addiction. How I was still choosing it. She told me how it has set back a lot of the good work that I have done. She explained how me saying sorry means nothing. I said i know my words meant nothing and I had to show her I was sorry and I really wanted to work on getting my self better.
She told me I was going to have to tell her something that she doesn't have to pry out of me. She is fucked off with having to ask me things multiple times in multiple ways till she asks it just the right way to get the answers she is looking for.
I thought hard. It was triggering. I had flashes of many memories.
On the way home I was full on brain fog. Felt trapped in a bubble. My brain was in full on panic mode.
When i got home I gave the rats some grapes then went upstairs. She was working from home on this day. I asked if she could speak. I told her that I didn't stop seeing sex workers in my mid twenties but I went from Asian woman to Asian Transgender (then just transgender) sex workers (and 1 white guy) who I got to have sex with me. The last one I saw I think was about 4 months before I met my partner. I have no seen any since but I have browsed the listings on birchplace.
We spoke some more and I confessed to her that the friend she was worried about that I hid the scale of the friendship I had a stage of being obsessed with her years ago after being pushed away.
My urges and cravings have been strong today. I have had many flashes of porn and past experiences. I still have not used though.
I had my 3rd counselling session. I was hard but good. My counsellor felt like it was our best session so far. I cried a few times. I feel like as we get deeper this is really going to help.
I don't feel good right now. My fiancee is out and I don't know if I will be sleeping here the next few nights. We will discuss that when she gets back.
We are renewing our tenancy on the house tomorrow. I know things are rocky but we still need this house as home base if we are going to survive. I told her if I end up having to move out for good I would still make sure rent is paid.
I need to get better. I need to be honest.
Going to start ranking how I am feeling at the end of these as well.
Day 21 no P.
Feeling right now 2/5. Not full on despair right now but deep shame and brain fog. Right arm has shooting pains and numbness in hand.
I think this is the longest I have ever gone without P