Chris1986
Active Member
Tuesday night my fiancee asked me more questions. Some she asked early on before I started actually being honest so she got more truthful answers and more details. I got frustrated. I feel like when I am going through the details that I am back there it makes me feel sick and I hate it!
We got a bit heated which confused me at the time as I was being open and honest but obviously I couldn't think straight. I couldn't see that the conversation ripped off the scab of her wounds and dug deeper. She became distant and was distant for most of wednesday.
I messaged her while I was at work but only got short answers and she didn't want to speak on the phone.
Having her so distant from me really made me feel starved of emotional oxygen. I was suffocating. I spoke to her when I got home. We spoke about how we felt. She was still distant but at least she was talking to me.
I had counselling. It was hard session. Afterwards I spoke to my fiancee again. I started weeping uncontrollably. I felt dizzy and sick. She consoled me and held me tight and brought me back round.
The shame and self loathing is something that goes further back than I originally thought I think. Also think remember the suicidal thoughts from my youth haven't helped me feel stable lately. I think I have started to come to terms with the fact that part of me hates me and wants me to fail.
The negative thoughts though I have to remember are just thoughts. They do not define me and I can listen to the thoughts but I don't have to act on them.
My partner has been working hard on building me back up. She wants me to look in the mirror and say something positive about myself once a day. I have been struggling with this and try to joke it off but i need to make more of an effort with this act.
That even she cooked and we ate and chilled and spoke. She said her taste has been weird so decided to not take any risks and book a corona virus test for the next day. This meant having to self isolate (other than doing test) till we get results. We had to drive to Weston (we are in Bristol) for the test and have to do it ourselves. 100% rather not do that again. I nearly through up! Was horrid.
Basically since then She has been working from home and I been making lots of music. Spent most of today on two tracks and lost track of time but been good way to spend the time.
We have been intimate and without going into too much details we have been having a good time!
She really isn't feeling that well today so my turn to look after her so I shall be making her favourite dinner (paprika pork with chorizo thing with pasta.)
I might have a beer as well.
DAY 52 NO P
feeling 4/5. Not feeling 100% but happy that we are feeling closer. Tuesday night was a blip on the radar. As we have both said it is actually good more than it's bad it's just the bad times stand out more.
We are both committed to our relationship and I am 100% committed to getting better.
Feeling very positive right now.
Sending the positive vibes to you all.
We got a bit heated which confused me at the time as I was being open and honest but obviously I couldn't think straight. I couldn't see that the conversation ripped off the scab of her wounds and dug deeper. She became distant and was distant for most of wednesday.
I messaged her while I was at work but only got short answers and she didn't want to speak on the phone.
Having her so distant from me really made me feel starved of emotional oxygen. I was suffocating. I spoke to her when I got home. We spoke about how we felt. She was still distant but at least she was talking to me.
I had counselling. It was hard session. Afterwards I spoke to my fiancee again. I started weeping uncontrollably. I felt dizzy and sick. She consoled me and held me tight and brought me back round.
The shame and self loathing is something that goes further back than I originally thought I think. Also think remember the suicidal thoughts from my youth haven't helped me feel stable lately. I think I have started to come to terms with the fact that part of me hates me and wants me to fail.
The negative thoughts though I have to remember are just thoughts. They do not define me and I can listen to the thoughts but I don't have to act on them.
My partner has been working hard on building me back up. She wants me to look in the mirror and say something positive about myself once a day. I have been struggling with this and try to joke it off but i need to make more of an effort with this act.
That even she cooked and we ate and chilled and spoke. She said her taste has been weird so decided to not take any risks and book a corona virus test for the next day. This meant having to self isolate (other than doing test) till we get results. We had to drive to Weston (we are in Bristol) for the test and have to do it ourselves. 100% rather not do that again. I nearly through up! Was horrid.
Basically since then She has been working from home and I been making lots of music. Spent most of today on two tracks and lost track of time but been good way to spend the time.
We have been intimate and without going into too much details we have been having a good time!
She really isn't feeling that well today so my turn to look after her so I shall be making her favourite dinner (paprika pork with chorizo thing with pasta.)
I might have a beer as well.
DAY 52 NO P
feeling 4/5. Not feeling 100% but happy that we are feeling closer. Tuesday night was a blip on the radar. As we have both said it is actually good more than it's bad it's just the bad times stand out more.
We are both committed to our relationship and I am 100% committed to getting better.
Feeling very positive right now.
Sending the positive vibes to you all.