Hi, first post here. I found out 2 days ago that the man I am engaged to is addicted to porn. Now everything has changed. I am here to ask for some support. I know a lot of text, my head is very full - questions bullet pointed at the end.
I am still learning about porn addiction. I worked in addiction (drugs and alcohol) services for 10 years and so I feel that my brain is very torn at the moment - I am too emotionally involved to be able to be logical and professional (and sometimes sensible) about this. But I also do have some quite comprehensive understanding of addiction, which at times I have been able to use to support him but is also causing me to feel quite guilty about some of my reactions towards my partner so far. I have shamed him about things that on a logical level I do understand he probably has been powerless over. I don?t feel good about that and I would like to do work to become a good support for him.
My partner is incredibly good at lying. I had no idea about - frankly, what feels like a complete double life - for our whole relationship.
A couple of months ago he went to open an app to show me and opened a google drive by accident. There were images of another woman who he advised he used to sex chat with and he had bought those images.
He told me he used to have a problem with porn (he had told me this previously but I hadn't given it much thought as he seemed to be able to engage in a healthy relationship) he gave me various very poor excuses which I fell for, he said he would do anything to keep me, he was beside himself. We set some boundaries for the relationship (No cam girls, sex chatting, buying images etc).
It shook my confidence, but I believed him. I even came home one evening and he had a picture of a girl on the screen, when I questioned whether he was buying photo?s he swore to me in the most sincere way with even tears in his eyes he was being honest and would never do anything to make me feel the way he had previously. I didn?t check what he was looking at because he was sincere and you know, bunny boiler fear. He was sex chatting.
To cut what could be a very long story short, what comes out this week is that my partner is addicted to porn.
- Watching porn to the extent he was experiencing ED.
- Talking to people online, seeking them constantly messaging them. Asking for pics, offering video chats.
- Buying images and videos from people. He has spent ?500 in the last 6 months on this.
- Posting comments to peoples photos 'perfect' 'goddess' etc
- Posting adverts online seeking people in our local area to chat to and 'meet IRL'. He tells me he gets off on talking about meeting but doesn't go. At this point this seems too far fetched for me to believe.
- Sending sexual videos of himself to others on the internet.
- Talking about me, letting other people get off on the thought that he is hiding their chats from me, and telling them about the sex we have.
- Messaging an ex of his, he tells me he doesn't know why but cant say 100% that he wouldn't have asked her for pictures.
And I had absolutely no idea. It chills me how good at lying he is, and how easily he did it. I know he must deep down have a lot of shame but at the time I found out I kept questioning ?how do you even sleep at night?, ?how do you look me in the eye??. In the end I did demand to see his phone. I saw things I wish I hadn?t. I said to him, tell me before I have to see it. He kept promising there was nothing more then I would find more, this happened 4 or 5 times when there actually was more. Again this destroyed a lot of trust because he tried to hide anything I didn?t have proof of. Even now I worry - he tells me there is nothing more, but there is also nothing more I can *prove* so I don?t know whether I believe him.
Still, we are working forward. I?m making no promises about whether I will or won?t stay in the relationship. I will work with him to help us both heal and see whether there is a relationship at the end. Might sound harsh, but I know addiction well and have been in a previous relationship where addiction ruled and I need to see whether he is actually motivated to change. If he is, I will be there with him. If he isn?t, I will have to put myself first and go.
He has done lots, found a counsellor and booked a session, joined and started a journal here, deleted accounts he was using, installed a blocker on his phone, has told some people around him who are close. I am actually really proud of him. I know it is easier right now because he is seeing my devastation so that will be driving it. I hope he keeps it up as the initial panic wears off.
I have some questions:
- He has installed an app that blocks porn on his phone (his idea) and wanted me to have some sort of power over it so basically he can?t uninstall it. I don?t love the thought, feels too controlling on my end and I feel that if he is going to do it he just will, an app won?t stop him. But I want to take his lead and listen to what he needs?
- On the same lines he wants me to check his bank statements at the end of the month. Again, I understand he wants to be held accountable but it just feels so controlling to me. I don?t want him to come to resent me, or feel that I am parenting him. Could anyone offer insight?
- I do now feel worried about him having free time. I hate that I?m worried about that, and I want to check his phone and I hate that I feel that way. Any advice on beginning to build trust would be very appreciated.
- Initially I had questions about whether things like sex chatting with other people counts as porn addiction but through the research I have been doing I am beginning to understand that this is common for people?
- I am a rollercoaster of emotions. Sometimes uncontrollably crying, sometimes angry (and horrible), sometimes numb, sometimes a bit manic...I am going through and trying to read as much as I can on here. But any advice about getting through the processing-it part of this would be great
- Lastly - I want to be there for him. I want him to take responsibility but I also want to support the fact that this is an addiction. Any advice from people in recovery who could give insight as to what does or doesn?t help from a partner would be very helpful.
If you made it through all of that THANK YOU
I am still learning about porn addiction. I worked in addiction (drugs and alcohol) services for 10 years and so I feel that my brain is very torn at the moment - I am too emotionally involved to be able to be logical and professional (and sometimes sensible) about this. But I also do have some quite comprehensive understanding of addiction, which at times I have been able to use to support him but is also causing me to feel quite guilty about some of my reactions towards my partner so far. I have shamed him about things that on a logical level I do understand he probably has been powerless over. I don?t feel good about that and I would like to do work to become a good support for him.
My partner is incredibly good at lying. I had no idea about - frankly, what feels like a complete double life - for our whole relationship.
A couple of months ago he went to open an app to show me and opened a google drive by accident. There were images of another woman who he advised he used to sex chat with and he had bought those images.
He told me he used to have a problem with porn (he had told me this previously but I hadn't given it much thought as he seemed to be able to engage in a healthy relationship) he gave me various very poor excuses which I fell for, he said he would do anything to keep me, he was beside himself. We set some boundaries for the relationship (No cam girls, sex chatting, buying images etc).
It shook my confidence, but I believed him. I even came home one evening and he had a picture of a girl on the screen, when I questioned whether he was buying photo?s he swore to me in the most sincere way with even tears in his eyes he was being honest and would never do anything to make me feel the way he had previously. I didn?t check what he was looking at because he was sincere and you know, bunny boiler fear. He was sex chatting.
To cut what could be a very long story short, what comes out this week is that my partner is addicted to porn.
- Watching porn to the extent he was experiencing ED.
- Talking to people online, seeking them constantly messaging them. Asking for pics, offering video chats.
- Buying images and videos from people. He has spent ?500 in the last 6 months on this.
- Posting comments to peoples photos 'perfect' 'goddess' etc
- Posting adverts online seeking people in our local area to chat to and 'meet IRL'. He tells me he gets off on talking about meeting but doesn't go. At this point this seems too far fetched for me to believe.
- Sending sexual videos of himself to others on the internet.
- Talking about me, letting other people get off on the thought that he is hiding their chats from me, and telling them about the sex we have.
- Messaging an ex of his, he tells me he doesn't know why but cant say 100% that he wouldn't have asked her for pictures.
And I had absolutely no idea. It chills me how good at lying he is, and how easily he did it. I know he must deep down have a lot of shame but at the time I found out I kept questioning ?how do you even sleep at night?, ?how do you look me in the eye??. In the end I did demand to see his phone. I saw things I wish I hadn?t. I said to him, tell me before I have to see it. He kept promising there was nothing more then I would find more, this happened 4 or 5 times when there actually was more. Again this destroyed a lot of trust because he tried to hide anything I didn?t have proof of. Even now I worry - he tells me there is nothing more, but there is also nothing more I can *prove* so I don?t know whether I believe him.
Still, we are working forward. I?m making no promises about whether I will or won?t stay in the relationship. I will work with him to help us both heal and see whether there is a relationship at the end. Might sound harsh, but I know addiction well and have been in a previous relationship where addiction ruled and I need to see whether he is actually motivated to change. If he is, I will be there with him. If he isn?t, I will have to put myself first and go.
He has done lots, found a counsellor and booked a session, joined and started a journal here, deleted accounts he was using, installed a blocker on his phone, has told some people around him who are close. I am actually really proud of him. I know it is easier right now because he is seeing my devastation so that will be driving it. I hope he keeps it up as the initial panic wears off.
I have some questions:
- He has installed an app that blocks porn on his phone (his idea) and wanted me to have some sort of power over it so basically he can?t uninstall it. I don?t love the thought, feels too controlling on my end and I feel that if he is going to do it he just will, an app won?t stop him. But I want to take his lead and listen to what he needs?
- On the same lines he wants me to check his bank statements at the end of the month. Again, I understand he wants to be held accountable but it just feels so controlling to me. I don?t want him to come to resent me, or feel that I am parenting him. Could anyone offer insight?
- I do now feel worried about him having free time. I hate that I?m worried about that, and I want to check his phone and I hate that I feel that way. Any advice on beginning to build trust would be very appreciated.
- Initially I had questions about whether things like sex chatting with other people counts as porn addiction but through the research I have been doing I am beginning to understand that this is common for people?
- I am a rollercoaster of emotions. Sometimes uncontrollably crying, sometimes angry (and horrible), sometimes numb, sometimes a bit manic...I am going through and trying to read as much as I can on here. But any advice about getting through the processing-it part of this would be great
- Lastly - I want to be there for him. I want him to take responsibility but I also want to support the fact that this is an addiction. Any advice from people in recovery who could give insight as to what does or doesn?t help from a partner would be very helpful.
If you made it through all of that THANK YOU