Relentless Observer
Active Member
Hello everyone.
I want to thank everyone again for being a pillar of support.
I am now essentially two years without porn. However, I feel as though virtually no progress has been made. There are moments where it seems I am going to recover...but, then it seems I am right back to as bad as it has ever been.
I wrote about my journey in more detail before, but for now I am just going to focus on where I am at and notable events.
One, I did do a penile doppler, which at least from a flow standpoint showed that my penile vasculature appears to be normal. Also, my testosterone levels are within normal limits.
Two, about a year ago I had a girlfriend and she performed oral on me a few times and each time I able to have some erection, but definitely not a full response (maybe around 60% generally). The next sexual experience I had was about three months ago. I met up with a girl one night and did not have any response whatsoever (my penis felt shriveled and cold). However, the next night I managed to get up with this girl with a decent erection (usually aboout 75% maybe) and keep it up with constant stimulation. That was a good sexual experience and she and I communicated throughout and it was enjoyable and I really didn't worry that much. So, definitely a win. However, since then I have not really felt anything... Since, I have made out with some girls, but generally only feel a slight swelling.
Three, I sometimes have a relatively strong morning wood, but I have only had something approaching "normal" twice in two years. Even now I only infrequently have morning wood. My morning wood generally only lasts a few moments as I wake and is about 60% what I remember my erections being before the decline presumably due to my extensive porn habits.
Four, I have an infrequent feeling that I can have a decent response to masturbation and I suppose I just feel so desperate to feel anything that I do continue to masturbate with generally weak erections... so I tend to masturbate once a month. I have abstained from porn for 2 years, but giving up masturbation in addition is proving extremely difficult.
Five, I simply feel wrong. It is never easy to focus (perhaps the brain fog that others describe, but chronic). I feel alien. I still find girls attractive and sexy...but, generally have no response whatsoever by sight alone, and usually only small swellings in response to making out.
All this has been extraordinarily trying on me. I am fit, I am social, but my sexual confidence has been crushed and I don't feel human. I realize I didn't really feel sexual the last two to three years before abstaining (the time where I very noticeably developed PIED), but rather was just addicted to porn. Every once in a while I have a faint buzz/craving feeling to watch porn, but I am able to shake it off... its effects still linger--in the form of PIED, but I am proud at least I overcame such a major addiction in my life.
I am extremely busy as well and have become exceedingly lonely. I really desire a romantic relationship, but most girls seem to just want to have sex in which case I refuse for two reasons: I want an emotional connection before sex, but also am afraid I will be unable to perform) or I am unable to form emotional connections. My extremely busy schedule helps me get distracted from this ordeal, but it also makes it difficult to ever try to meet with women, which may or may not help me if I were to form a romantic connection.
This has been a horrific trial for me. The two and a half years before abstaining from porn I had a steady decline in arousal during my pornography viewing sessions. Atop that have been two years of abstinence. I have been dealing with PIED for about 5 years. I never had sex when I was younger because I wanted emotional connections before sex and never really achieved that. Now, I feel lost, alone, and alien. I basically feel unlovable and like I just will not recover.
People have suggested for the past year to forego masturbation, and I will keep trying. I don't know what else to do besides trust that continued abstinence from porn can undo all the damage porn has wrought my sexual system.
I want to thank everyone again for being a pillar of support.
I am now essentially two years without porn. However, I feel as though virtually no progress has been made. There are moments where it seems I am going to recover...but, then it seems I am right back to as bad as it has ever been.
I wrote about my journey in more detail before, but for now I am just going to focus on where I am at and notable events.
One, I did do a penile doppler, which at least from a flow standpoint showed that my penile vasculature appears to be normal. Also, my testosterone levels are within normal limits.
Two, about a year ago I had a girlfriend and she performed oral on me a few times and each time I able to have some erection, but definitely not a full response (maybe around 60% generally). The next sexual experience I had was about three months ago. I met up with a girl one night and did not have any response whatsoever (my penis felt shriveled and cold). However, the next night I managed to get up with this girl with a decent erection (usually aboout 75% maybe) and keep it up with constant stimulation. That was a good sexual experience and she and I communicated throughout and it was enjoyable and I really didn't worry that much. So, definitely a win. However, since then I have not really felt anything... Since, I have made out with some girls, but generally only feel a slight swelling.
Three, I sometimes have a relatively strong morning wood, but I have only had something approaching "normal" twice in two years. Even now I only infrequently have morning wood. My morning wood generally only lasts a few moments as I wake and is about 60% what I remember my erections being before the decline presumably due to my extensive porn habits.
Four, I have an infrequent feeling that I can have a decent response to masturbation and I suppose I just feel so desperate to feel anything that I do continue to masturbate with generally weak erections... so I tend to masturbate once a month. I have abstained from porn for 2 years, but giving up masturbation in addition is proving extremely difficult.
Five, I simply feel wrong. It is never easy to focus (perhaps the brain fog that others describe, but chronic). I feel alien. I still find girls attractive and sexy...but, generally have no response whatsoever by sight alone, and usually only small swellings in response to making out.
All this has been extraordinarily trying on me. I am fit, I am social, but my sexual confidence has been crushed and I don't feel human. I realize I didn't really feel sexual the last two to three years before abstaining (the time where I very noticeably developed PIED), but rather was just addicted to porn. Every once in a while I have a faint buzz/craving feeling to watch porn, but I am able to shake it off... its effects still linger--in the form of PIED, but I am proud at least I overcame such a major addiction in my life.
I am extremely busy as well and have become exceedingly lonely. I really desire a romantic relationship, but most girls seem to just want to have sex in which case I refuse for two reasons: I want an emotional connection before sex, but also am afraid I will be unable to perform) or I am unable to form emotional connections. My extremely busy schedule helps me get distracted from this ordeal, but it also makes it difficult to ever try to meet with women, which may or may not help me if I were to form a romantic connection.
This has been a horrific trial for me. The two and a half years before abstaining from porn I had a steady decline in arousal during my pornography viewing sessions. Atop that have been two years of abstinence. I have been dealing with PIED for about 5 years. I never had sex when I was younger because I wanted emotional connections before sex and never really achieved that. Now, I feel lost, alone, and alien. I basically feel unlovable and like I just will not recover.
People have suggested for the past year to forego masturbation, and I will keep trying. I don't know what else to do besides trust that continued abstinence from porn can undo all the damage porn has wrought my sexual system.
